bravesgirl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Please I know this is long but please read it and help! What do I do? I am in college and I went out one night with a couple of my girlfriends. I met this guy who was out with a bunch of guys he works with. One thing led to another and we were walking to my house to give him a ride back to his hotel (he tests for oil and works in Kansas and Pennsylvania). I do not pick up guys at the bar but for some reason that night I did. Right out of the bar he asked for my phone number so I gave it to him. He just had to call me right away to make sure i didn't give him a wrong number. While we were walking to my house he was holding my hand and would stop and start kissing me. So we get to his hotel I end up going up with him and well u probably know what happened. An hour or so later I decide I want to leave. He kind of holds me between his legs and is begging me to stay. I don't know if he was worried because I was drinking or I'm not sure why else. When I am driving home he calls me twice and then once when I get home. Then he texts me and calls me several times that week wanting to get together again. About six days later we go to the bar together and with his roomate and then we go back to the hotel and he and I spend the night together again. The next day he texts me...Wanna meet up again? but I knew he was leaving...so he leaves for Pennsylvania that day. We kept in touch and talked a few times every couple of weeks. Once he texted me and told me he was back in my town in Kansas and he wanted to see me. I was at work and he told me to get off early so we could hang out. I say that I can't because I wouldn't be able to find anyone to cover for me. When I am about to get off work I asked him where we were going to meet and he said a town in pennsylvania and that he was sorry. I was a little hurt and kinda pissed. I texted back...F off! He tried calling me like 3 times in 5 minutes. When I got off work I finally answered the phone and he asked if I was pissed, I said no and I forgave him. Later in the convo he said and I quote..."I love you," it gets even better later in the story. He was calling me baby in the convo also. He would also text me out of no where and ask...why me? and asked why I chose him and he also asked if I was having sex with other people. He would also text me...call me...when he wanted to talk to me. He would also say he would call me back in a couple minutes. I didn't hold my breath because he wouldn't call me back. I was also texting him back and forth one day and he gets irritated if I don't text back right away. I had told him earlier that I was going to my male classmates house to borrow a book and I happened to go and leave my phone in the car while we were texting back and forth. I was there for about 15 minutes to half and hour just chatting about school and homework. Well when I didn't text back right away he called and when I didn't answer the phone he left a message saying..."What are u too good to answer your phone" in a really irritated voice. When I left I called him back and he asked where I was at. I told him I just left my buddy's house and he accused me of screwing him and I defended myself even though i know i didn't have to because we never talked about "being together" and being in an exclusive relationship. And I never would do anything with my classmate. Once we were texting each other and I asked him if he got lonely traveling and being gone all the time. (he is from Michigan by the way) He said...why would I? I'm married...I was so pissed and angry and I cried and stopped texting him. the next morning he said he was just joking. I remember checking his ring finger when we got to his hotel room the first night. Then a couple weeks later he said he was on his way to kansas and will be working in my town...I didn't believe him and I told him I would believe it when I saw it. And I was right he was just messing with me again. Between classes one day he texted me one day and said he was coming to kansas to a nearby town. I wasn't near my phone and then when I didn't text him right back he said...like you care! I told him that I do care and that I was excited for him to come back if he was really coming back. So he did come to the town nearby. He was going to come to my town to see me on his last day of working so I got off of work and I reserved a room. The morning that he was supposed to come see me he texted me and told me he had to work another day there so he wouldn't be able to come see me. I was upset and I told him that I knew he wouldn't follow through. Later that day he said he might still come to see me if I wanted him to and I told him to make up his mind and let him know. That night he called me and talked me into driving to the nearby town where he was. So I get there at 1am, get a hotel room where he was staying and then he came to my room and well u know what happened. Then at 3am he said I would probably be mad but he needed to go to his room because he couldn't let his boss see him coming out of another room. I gave him a hug and kiss goodbye and he went to his room. I couldn't sleep so I drove home at 5am. He went home to Michigan for his week off that day. When he was on his way back to pennsylvania he stopped and stayed in ohio i think. he texted me and we were talking and I asked where he was. He said ohio, i said oh that must be fun, then he said...no ur not here it would be then. (Awwe how sweet right?) He calls me once a week or more depending. The last time I talked to him was thursday and we were talking and he asked me if I missed him. I kinda hesitated and then told him of course I do. Then he asked me if I was in love with him. WTF is what I thought...I really hesitated and was really flustered and told him that I didn't think it was possible. Then he asked if I thought about him all the time. I somehow changed the subject and we talked some more then he stopped talking and I think he fell asleep because I could hear him snoring. I haven't talked to him since and I don't know what to do. I live in kansas, he lives in michigan. He travels between Pennsylvania and Kansas. He comes to kansas maybe for a week once a month or so. I don't know what this is. I wanted it to be casual but he brings in the whole love thing and I don't know what he wants or what I should do. I could use some unbiased advice.
bean1 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Whoah girl! You are being used for sex and you are delivering yourself like a pizza to a married man. Before you even wrote that he was married, I could tell he was. I'm sorry, I don't know if it's the alcohol involved or the fact that you just want to be loved, but this person is clearly using you for sex and I would be suprised if he DIDN'T have a similar situation set up with other women in different towns. Get yourself tested for STD's and get some self respect! This is not a relationship! "You wanna meet up" is a casual bootycall.
Author bravesgirl Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Wow! tell me how u really feel! lol! Yeah I thought about the whole set up with another girl. I kinda want to ignore him and forget but I really dont want to. I don't understand why he gets jealous about my classmate or why he brings up the whole love jazz. I also don't understand why he calls me all the time when he isn't anywhere near where I am. I really don't think he is married cuz i did some pissed off cyber stalking to find out if he was married and I'm 98% sure he's not. This is definitely something that I don't usually do, but It was supposed to be casual, but I have a crazy feeling that anything could be possible with him even though It seems impossible. If that made any sense. I just wanna know wtf is going on in his head. I don't want anything serious because I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm ready to live my life for me. I'm really not a whore who goes home with a bunch of guys. I've only slept with four people my whole life before this guy and I had been dating them for a while before I slept with them. Oh another horrible detail is that he is 35 and I am 21. I'm such an fool but there is just something about him. All that I know now is that he has to make an effort because I'm done!
LikeCharlotte Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 My LDR was a 1 nighter (3 actually) - If you had told me that I would be doing this almost a year later I would have laughed until I couldn't breathe! The decision you have to make is what you want. Once you know what YOU want you can determine the rest. In my case we continued talking after he went home and I found myself more and more interested. I figured out that I wanted to see him again to determine if our talking actually had any RL value so I went to visit him. I am not going to tell you that it was all roses but I will tell you that I know I did the right thing. I met someone that had all the right qualities (for me) and I needed to see what became of it. We have seen each other only 2 times since we met but things are progressing nicely. Usually we talk every day and although other people don't always understand what I am doing ( I didn't for awhile) I wouldn't change it. I'm happy - even with all the distance and impossible circumstances. I am going to keep going and hopefully it will work out. As for the "love" thing.. well I love him and Im not sleeping with other people at all but there are no exclusive commitments. I made that choice because I have no desire to be with other people and if I do I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I think it would be destructive to what I am trying to accomplish to entertain anything sexual or intimately affectionate for anyone else. These are choices you have to make together but only after you know what you want. LDR's are not easy and I gave it lots of thought and have tried to be very careful. Some people here gave me great advice while I was thinking it through. You have to be able to deal with a very different expectation of what will happen between you. You also have to have a very open and honest communication - even when it is really hard. You need to know where you are headed and that you both are on the same page. If you don't think this guy is (possibly) right for you on a very serious and long term level then don't bother - or keep him for the occasional 'when in town' F*buddy. Actually - that sounds like a bad idea. You can find that locally and potentially more safely. So, are you in love? This is my 1,000th post! I think I am going to give my LDR boy a name or start using some sort of initials for LS. I have so much trouble not using a name to identify him. I feel like a scientist when I talk about him and I don't like that. *hugs* for LS!
TMichaels Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I am in college and I went out one night with a couple of my girlfriends. I met this guy who was out with a bunch of guys he works with. One thing led to another and we were walking to my house to give him a ride back to his hotel (he tests for oil and works in Kansas and Pennsylvania). I do not pick up guys at the bar but for some reason that night I did. Let me get this straight... You're a college student, you get picked up in a bar by some guy probably half again your age who works an oil rig, take him to your house, and offer to drive him back to his hotel? Where were your "girlfriends?" You mean to tell me they thought what you were doing was perfectly okay? Right out of the bar he asked for my phone number so I gave it to him. What on earth for? He just had to call me right away to make sure i didn't give him a wrong number. And you didn't find that the least bit odd or off-putting? While we were walking to my house he was holding my hand and would stop and start kissing me. And, what did you do? Slap him? Somehow I don't think so... So we get to his hotel I end up going up with him and well u probably know what happened. How drunk were you? An hour or so later I decide I want to leave. He kind of holds me between his legs and is begging me to stay. I don't know if he was worried because I was drinking or I'm not sure why else. You just had sex with a total stranger, you want to leave, he puts you in a leg-lock so you can't, and the only plausible explanation you can think of is that he was concerned about your welfare? HELLO???? When I am driving home he calls me twice and then once when I get home. He just had pick-up sex with a drunken coed, and lets her DRIVE home all alone DRUNK, but repeatedly calls her enroute because he's so concerned whether she'll arrive safely... Yep! Sounds like one stand-up guy! Then he texts me and calls me several times that week wanting to get together again. Well, gee... He got lucky once. Nothing ventured/nothing gained... About six days later we go to the bar together and with his roomate and then we go back to the hotel and he and I spend the night together again. For god's sake why?! The next day he texts me...Wanna meet up again? but I knew he was leaving...so he leaves for Pennsylvania that day. Huh? You're more than willing to hop into bed with this guy at the drop of a hat, but since he was leaving the next day you suddenly get all self-righteous and sanctimonious? We kept in touch and talked a few times every couple of weeks. Once he texted me and told me he was back in my town in Kansas and he wanted to see me. I was at work and he told me to get off early so we could hang out. I say that I can't because I wouldn't be able to find anyone to cover for me. When I am about to get off work I asked him where we were going to meet and he said a town in pennsylvania and that he was sorry. I was a little hurt and kinda pissed. You were a little hurt and kinda pissed? This guy is treating you like a five dollar hooker, and you think you deserve more respect? I texted back...F off! He tried calling me like 3 times in 5 minutes. When I got off work I finally answered the phone and he asked if I was pissed, I said no and I forgave him. You what? What on earth for? Are you that desperate for attention? Later in the convo he said and I quote..."I love you," Uh... In another thread you stated that one of the "trickiest" ploys girls use to keep guys in line is crying at will... Ever thought of the fact that "saying I Love You" can be the male counterpart "trick" to that? it gets even better later in the story. He was calling me baby in the convo also. Guys call girls all sorts of names -- doll, hun, sweetie, etc -- it means nothing. They're just as likely to use the same "affectionate term" for their pick-up truck. He would also text me out of no where and ask...why me? and asked why I chose him... Well, that makes two of us wondering what's the answer to THAT question... ...and he also asked if I was having sex with other people. Oh, what a relief! I am so happy to hear one of you is concerned about the risk of STDs. You know, maybe this guy is a keeper, afterall! He would also text me...call me...when he wanted to talk to me. He would also say he would call me back in a couple minutes. I didn't hold my breath because he wouldn't call me back. You didn't hold your breath... FOR WHAT??? Another booty call invitation? I was also texting him back and forth one day and he gets irritated if I don't text back right away. I had told him earlier that I was going to my male classmates house to borrow a book and I happened to go and leave my phone in the car while we were texting back and forth. I was there for about 15 minutes to half and hour just chatting about school and homework. Well when I didn't text back right away he called and when I didn't answer the phone he left a message saying..."What are u too good to answer your phone" in a really irritated voice. And, you thought that kind of attitude was, what? Endearing? When I left I called him back and he asked where I was at. I told him I just left my buddy's house and he accused me of screwing him and I defended myself even though i know i didn't have to because we never talked about "being together" and being in an exclusive relationship. LOL... Every time he sets foot in town you're ready to jump into bed with the guy. Sorry, but he thinks he has "exclusive rights." He's marked his territory as far as he's concerned, and you affirm that every time you respond like a panting dog. And I never would do anything with my classmate. No, but you would jump in bed with a total stranger... Do you see anything a bit troubling about that? Once we were texting each other and I asked him if he got lonely traveling and being gone all the time. (he is from Michigan by the way) He said...why would I? I'm married...I was so pissed and angry and I cried and stopped texting him. the next morning he said he was just joking. Uh... Would you have expected him to say anything else? He'd have to be a fool to mess things up with a little bit of truth... I remember checking his ring finger when we got to his hotel room the first night. You sure? Vision is a bit blurry when you're inebriated -- so is one's judgement, IYKWIM. Then a couple weeks later he said he was on his way to kansas and will be working in my town...I didn't believe him and I told him I would believe it when I saw it. And I was right he was just messing with me again. Just another one of his irresistable qualities, I guess... Between classes one day he texted me one day and said he was coming to kansas to a nearby town. I wasn't near my phone and then when I didn't text him right back he said...like you care! I told him that I do care and that I was excited for him to come back if he was really coming back. So he did come to the town nearby. He was going to come to my town to see me on his last day of working so I got off of work and I reserved a room. You did what??? Seriously. Are you nuts? A nyphomaniac? What is wrong with you? The morning that he was supposed to come see me he texted me and told me he had to work another day there so he wouldn't be able to come see me. I was upset and I told him that I knew he wouldn't follow through. If that is indeed true, then why did you take time off of work and book a room? And, how does a college student have money to be throwing away on renting hotel rooms for a tryst, anyway? Later that day he said he might still come to see me if I wanted him to and I told him to make up his mind and let him know. That night he called me and talked me into driving to the nearby town where he was. So I get there at 1am, get a hotel room where he was staying and then he came to my room and well u know what happened. I take that back. You ARE nuts. Then at 3am he said I would probably be mad but he needed to go to his room because he couldn't let his boss see him coming out of another room. Gee... let me guess... You didn't think there was anything the least bit odd about his "problem?" I gave him a hug and kiss goodbye and he went to his room. I couldn't sleep so I drove home at 5am. I hope he left a Franklin on the nightstand so at least you could pay for the room... He went home to Michigan for his week off that day. When he was on his way back to pennsylvania he stopped and stayed in ohio i think. he texted me and we were talking and I asked where he was. He said ohio, i said oh that must be fun, then he said...no ur not here it would be then. (Awwe how sweet right?) You're joking, I hope... He calls me once a week or more depending. The last time I talked to him was thursday and we were talking and he asked me if I missed him. I kinda hesitated and then told him of course I do. Yes, of course you miss him. No one else is treating you this good... Then he asked me if I was in love with him. WTF is what I thought...I really hesitated and was really flustered and told him that I didn't think it was possible. Then he asked if I thought about him all the time. That's probably the only bit of truth or wisdom you've uttered so far... I somehow changed the subject and we talked some more then he stopped talking and I think he fell asleep because I could hear him snoring. Man, what a guy! I haven't talked to him since and I don't know what to do. I live in kansas, he lives in michigan. He travels between Pennsylvania and Kansas. He comes to kansas maybe for a week once a month or so. I don't know what this is. I wanted it to be casual but he brings in the whole love thing and I don't know what he wants or what I should do. I could use some unbiased advice. You don't know "what this is" nor what to do? Please tell me you are joking... You're a 21-year-old college student who thinks so little of herself that you get hammered and let a 35 year-old guy pick you up at the bar for a one-night stand. You let him crawl all over you, give him your phone number, take him back to your place, jump into bed with him, hook up with him every time he's in town, take time off from work and rent a hotel room in order to go at it some more, continue to play footsie with him by phone and by text, but and then you get all weirded out *not* because the guy (probably in yet another drunken stupor) tells you he loves you, then nods off and starts snoring on the phone... But, that he have the audacity to mention the word "love" when this whole thing is supposed to be, you know, just "casual." Honey, you have more problems than Carter has liver pills, and thinking you're going to sort them through on an internet discussion board is as unrealistic as your perception of reality is right now. You really need to examine what you're doing with your life and why you're doing it. I'm certain there are counselors at your college who can help you get a perspective on what's going on. Call the Campus or Student Life office and make an appointment before you life gets even more out of hand. Best, TMichaels
LikeCharlotte Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I am not going to tell you that you are stupid or being used because no one knows that but you. Lots of people have casual relationships that are only about sex. I re-read your post after the responses and it does sound like this is what YOU were choosing to do. As long as you are safe and responsible you have every right to make that choice. Is it realistic to take it more seriously? Only you can say, in time. You said several times that you didn't think you wanted to. I think you should make that clear to him. Unless you absolutely know that there is something that works for you about him then look for something that is local and you can be more confident about. As for other posters -(all due respect) I realize that you see a young girl and it sounds to you as if she is being used by an older man but this was HER choice. She decided to take an interest and have sex with this guy - more than once. Lots of young girls make mistakes and get hurt but it sounds to me as if she had no illusions to begin with and that HE is the one making it complicated by introducing emotions. That may in fact be a ploy to keep he interested so he can get his **** wet, but obviously he didnt need to do that if she's been willing anyway. I think that is what is confusing the OP. Let me be absoutley clear here. Yes, I think what she did is dangerous. Yes, I think this guy is really happy that a younger girl is willing to have sex with him and likes him - and probably wants to keep it going. Yes, I think his behavior seems a bit silly and immature for his age. Doesn't that make it a good match? Yet, I do not think that its fair to say that she is being used or stupid. The idea that they "love" each other at this stage is unreasonable and I think she gets that. (im not sure if sarchasm was obvious in my previous post) Not everyone is of the opinion that a person willing to have casual sex lacks self-respect or that someone is being "used" everytime it happens. It may or may not be the case here but I'd like to be helpful to the OP - regardless.
Nicodaemos Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 First off, im from Michigan myself, and i dont behave like that. That said. Agreed LikeCharlotte. There is nothing wrong with casual encounters with someone. Being a truck driver, i am a travelling man myself, and see alot of guys that do dedicated runs, or are in the same areas at times, try to find themselves a local woman they can get relief from. With him putting in emotions so quickly, how me messes with you, and reacts so negatively to you not answereing right away, makes it seem like he is just messing around, but then he adds saying he loves you? Yea, dont get involved with him. Not cause of age, bah, that dont matter too much really, but cause of his actions. you say you really only want just casual relationship, thats fine, but he cant know what you are thinkin, so tell him. with pet names, baby, honey, dear, all them things, I hear it all the time from almost every truck stop attendant, and waitress. Its just a word with no meaning in a situation like yours, coming from him. What I think you should ask him though, if you want to continue, especially as a casual thing, is ask him to put forth some effort, ask him to pay for gas, and the hotel room. ask him to front the costs of these encounters. Yer in school, and dont need a currently calm, but potentially stormy situation messing with you studies. So, call him, tell him to slow down. If you only wanted a casual thing, and didnt TELL him, how could he possibly know. tell him many times, just chil. If you dont want to end it, but want to explore where things go, then you need to demand more of him, stop with the jokes, stop with saying things he is not going to do. If it just stays casual, then you also need to tell him he has no exclusive right to you, and has no business in your business outside of the time you and him spend together in a room. If it does go somewhere though, even though i think you need to get him to chill, and relax before that, then he has no right reacting the way he did about you spending time with your friend. But, look at it from his view. Step back, and try to see how he thinks about you. The only way his opinion can be formed are by your actions, and words. If your confused, get your answeres from what causes it. him. and state your thoughts, nobody can read minds. dont just react to what he says, but act, and tell him what you want from this. Even if its just casual, with a possibillity of a slow growing of feelings. He really needs to straighten out before that happens.
Author bravesgirl Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I've decided I don't need this. It was a dangerous and out of control decision or lack thereof that has created this dilemma for me. What I did is so out of my character and I guess it was just a way for me to learn what not to do. I do care for him but he needs to sort out his own life and live it without messing with mine. I'm not gonna put up with it anymore because I do have self respect for myself and I deserve someone who will give me that respect that I deserve. I also don't need to put up with someone who tries to mess with my emotions. Thanks for the advice and Good Luck with love and especially your LDR LS and Charlotte!!
Nicodaemos Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Mark it up to college wildness, something to look back on later in life with a crooked grin. Being free and having fun, even though it got a bit funky with him, its nothing to be ashamed of. Stand tall with your choice, and give him a firm choice, not a firm... you know. there is nothing wrong with caring for him, but keep it as one might care for a little cute overzealous puppy.
Recommended Posts