Sirenz Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 7 months since the breakup and full NC that entire time and I get a phone call. He apologized for the way he ended the relationship and suggested we get together sometime. It's been 4 weeks since that first phone call. We've spoken on the phone about once a week since then and have gotten together twice. If he knows me at all, and I believe he does, he knows FWB is not an option, and he's given me no reason to feel that's what he's after (no swooning or anything of that sort). I'm told that men won't usually pick up the phone after that long of a period of time looking for friendship. I know the best thing to do at this point is to just ask him what his intentions are, but I guess I'm looking for some feedback from others out there about why he would be calling after all this time? It's so confusing because while he's been pretty consistent with the calls, they also don't come more than every 7 days or so. Our time together in person and on the phone is light, fun, and engaging, but I'm just not sure what to make of it. I thought perhaps he just wanted redemption; or affirmation that he's not a bad guy, but one phone call or meet for a drink could have given him that but he continues to call. I hate this. At first I thought, its been long enough that we could potentially be friends, but who am I kidding? The mere fact that its confusing me should be an indication that I need to get some answers from him regarding what his intentions are. Anyone offer any input here?
confused11 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Hi Sirenz...in my opinion, I think what he wants is to feel you out and see where you are and if you still feel something. In my experience, they like to do this because it makes them feel better knowing that if they wanted to get back with you, you were available for them. If it was to make amends for the break up, one convo either on the phone or for coffee could have done that. He is being careful to confuse you and make you question. He may want to keep you around in case he changed his mind and that is selfish. I know you may want to be friends, trust me I was very recently in a similar situation....but the problem is that when someone still has felings, wounds that have started to heal reopen and pain comes flooding back. It seems like you were doing well so I would nip it as soon as you can because it sounds like you stil have feelings. Why did you break up? Before you ask him what his intentions are, as yourself, what are yours? WHat do you want from him? Could you be his friend and hear about his new SO? Because friends talk about that stuff too. I just had to end my "friendship" because I realized that I couldn't be friends with him, he kept crossing the line with his behavior and words. What finaly was the lst straw was when he told me that he couldn't be my friend if I were to start dating someone else. WTF? The person who only saw a friendship between us is telling me that it would be too difficult to be my friend once I started dating someone else. So he can't give me more because he doesn't "feel it" but can't be my friend because it would bother him. How does that make sense? Wait that is cuz he doesn't! I realized he just wanted me around to have feelings for him in case he wanted to try again, his security girl. He was ok with me being there for him but him not having to give me anything in return, I am not! Ask yourself what are you going to be ok with and truly be honest with yourself. I finally have been as much as it hurt me to tell him to leave me alone. I want him in my life but it doesn't benefit me to have him there.
openbook08 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 hiya sirenz, do you know if he has had another girlfriend since you?
Author Sirenz Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Confused, thank you. That was very constructive and definitely something to consider. I'm not completely sure why it ended to be honest. I know my needs weren't being met, we talked about it, and he disappeared shortly thereafter. I hadn't talked to him in nearly 7 months when he started calling again. He's gone out on dates since we dated, but from what he's told me he's not been in a relationship with anyone since. Unless for some reason he's hiding it from me, and I don't get that vibe. I get that its best to deal with it now rather than later, but at the same time, I don't want to push him away by being too aggressive with my questioning. If we had just met, I would have written him off by now, but since we dated before, I think the circumstances are a bit more confusing and harder to navigate.
confused11 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 yeah...they are always confusing especially when theres a history...lol. When was the last time you spoke? No i deifinitely wouldnt go questioning him especially if you havent figured out what YOU want the situation to be. Once you know that, then you can take it from there. Is it him always contacting you? Or do you occasionally do it first? I doubt he was in anything serious in the time you were apart but he coud be downplaying his dating so that you don't feel as if you were replaced. Did you two have a close friendship, strictly friendship only, before you started dating? Maybe he is longing for that again???
HappyAgain Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Why accept his calls anymore? My ex never wanted to admit there was someone new shortly after our break. I'd seriously be wondering if your guy was looking to hook up again because his relationship ended. So I wouldn't even bother answering his calls. Let yourself heal and get to the point where it doesn't matter to you anymore before trying to be friends or rekindle your relationship.
gavinus Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I am a guy and in my opinion something must of happened that caused him to think of you and contact you. Do you think if he was dating the women of his dreams he would of contacted you?? My advice is tell him what YOU want and then start NC. Guys don't contact EX's for friendship,
Author Sirenz Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 It's been about 5 days since the last time we spoke, and no, I don't call him. He does the calling and pretty much always did while we were dating too. That's not to say that I never called him, but I'm a bit old fashioned that way. AND...I can tell you for certain he's not calling to "hook" up. FWB is not an option and he knows me too well to expect anything even close to that. Why bother answering his calls? I miss him. Plain and simple. But I think Confused is right...no point in pushing the issue if I'm not even sure what I want at this point. I'm open to a relationship with him, but not until or unless I see that some things have changed. He works way too much. What's the point in getting involved again if that's still an issue? And only time will tell where he is in life. THIS is why I'm confused about what I really want...We didn't know each other at all prior to our first date...it was a very fast moving relationship that died almost as quickly as it started...almost 6 months to the day. I'm wondering...having all that initial attraction/chemistry under our belts...is it possible, that even though we only talk about once a week, that this is the way its supposed to be? Slow, relaxed, fun, no pressure?
lonetiger Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 girl...you are handed an oppertunity here to "maybe" have another shot with the guy you truly care about. 95% of us would love to be in your shoes right now. i think it is great that he is making the attempt to call you, even if it is once a week...he's taking it slow, maybe because he does not want to push you away. go ahead and answer his calls if it is what makes you happy inside. when you see him or speak with him, how do you feel? do you feel as if he is being sincere with you? what is your gut telling you? after 7 months of NC, you have had time to think...is he the one tht you want to be with? Does he make you happy? is he willing to work a few less hours a week in order to make time for you both? i think you should give him a chance....fursurly take things slow, enjoy tht time tht you spend together. make him miss you when you dont see one another, and make yourself miss him also. be as relaxed as you totally can be, because without pressure on both ends, it will make things go more smoothly. totally have fun with each other, tht is wht keeps the flame a burning on the candle... the main thing you need for him to answer though, what are his intentions. once you know tht answer, go from there. take tht chance if tht is wht you truly want...
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think for now just try not to think of it as much. I mean people really do say that "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus", and I tend to believe that it is in fact true. I was never able to understand a guy and I will never waste my time to so with that said, don't think too much of it, go on with your life whether you remain as friends, lovers, or nothing at all. Just continue on with your life...go out with your girlfriends, dates, whatever and it's nothing wrong going out with him a time or two for some coffee or just to chat, but don't let it go any further until the truth is set. Because if you devote all your time to him (which I'm glad that you don't, but if you do...) he will try to assume that you will always come back to him and that he can leave you at anytime for another or for no particular reason and it will be a cycle that will be hurting you and not him in the end.
miss-jem-bishop Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 well this is rather strange but if he feels he needs contact with you mayb deep down he is missing you .. and dosent want to admit it or... he is playing games with you! maybe you need to ask him what does he want from this... why the sudden random calls and why the contact at all after all this time... see what he has to say and well if u get suck again write on here and guess we will just have to help from there. x
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