PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 My Story My WS and I have been together for 16 years. We have been married for 7 of those years. We have laughed together cried together, brought new life into the world together. And He Cheated. I found out over a year ago because he accidently left his email open and I saw emails and text messages that completely devestated me. Not just some one night stand, this was a 3 year relationship. Yes, we'd had some trouble in the marriage. But if there is anything I have learned from this it is that there is no trouble that can happen in a marriage that justifies cheating. If you are unhappy or if the trouble is THAT bad, then leave or take steps to fix the problem. After I confronted him, he cried, said he loved me, said she didn't mean anything to him, begged me not to leave him. And then continued to see the OW For many months I tried to stay, tried to fix it, hoped it would get better. When it didn't get better, I packed up my stuff and our child and I left. Moved 2 states away. He followed me. Begged me to take him back. Expressed his remorse. Promised to be a better man. Now, I believe he IS trying, has ended the affair and we are working together to reconcile and to fix the problems in our marriage. But the trust is very slow in returning. I wonder if I will ever truly trust him again. So the question is.... can it be done? Is it even possible to truly restore trust after you have been betrayed this way?
Artu Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Now, I believe he IS trying, has ended the affair and we are working together to reconcile and to fix the problems in our marriage. But the trust is very slow in returning. I wonder if I will ever truly trust him again. So the question is.... can it be done? Is it even possible to truly restore trust after you have been betrayed this way? When an Affair with the OM/OW happens , it RARELY means there are some problems in the marriage . Though we Do Try to believe this . When an Affair happens - it mostly means that your spouse found something in the OM/OW what was not available in you yourself .. So , no reconciling and fixing any problems would help . (Before you start criticizing me,I want to mark that the Affair in OP`s thread was taking place for 3 years(!).It is not just a one night stand . It is a serious feeling there.I am sorry for truth,but truth is truth.)
Artu Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 The Marriage may be very fine,even Happy,before meeting someone so special to make an Affair of 3 and more years with him/her.... Perhaps the Matching with the OM/OW is More Special. Thats why it lasts for several years.
wuggle Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Yes, it is possible. It sounds like he does love you (otherwise he wouldn't have followed), and you him (otherwise you wouldn't have given him another chance). So yes, if you both love each other it can be fixed. When you say you are working to restore your marriage are you going to counselling ?. This really can help. A trained counsellor can help you discuss difficult issues in relative safety and help you get to the bottom of why affairs happen. Often something is missing in the relationship which a person seeks elsewhere (sex, attention , affection etc different for each person). Because your H had an affair does not mean he ever stopped loving you, something may just have been missing, overlooked after a few years of marriage. You need to find out what that was and try to get it back. Most people here will advise that you must have complete openness and honesty in your relationship now to give the trust a chance to return, you need to know exactly what he is doing and emailing etc Good luck, get both of you to a counsellor and keep posting so we can help (or at least lend an ear).
desertmoon Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 First of all your husband lied...the OW meant something to him--it WAS a 3 year relationship--the question would be just how much she meant to him. Second, of course your marriage can be salvaged--it's a lot of work, to say the least. What are you willing to do? What is he willing to do? What are you willing to give up for the relationship? What is he willing to give up for your marriage?
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 BNB: That's my concern, that no matter what he does now I will never be able to fully trust him again. I guess the answer for me is to committ myself to the path I have chosen and let the chips fall where they may. Easier said than done I know. Artu: I completely disagree with you. There might have been some issues in our marriage but there was no deficency in me that caused him to cheat. He is completely and totally responsible for his actions and the damage they caused. desertmoon: of course he lied. when I discovered the affair he said the other woman ment nothing and that was not completely true. She lived in another state and he saw her when he travelled for business. She was an ego stroke and she made him feel good and manly. But did he love her? Want to honestly build a true relationship with her? Ever intend to introduce her to his mother and friends? No. When I left he could have run into her waiting arms but he didn't because whatever she ment to him his wife and family ment more. wuggle: Yes, we are in MC now and he is in IC.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Perhaps the Matching with the OM/OW is More Special. Thats why it lasts for several years. Then if it is, why not just divorce? Why stay married and cheat? That's the biggest crap I've heard in a long time.. A person who cheats is selfish and has a big ego to feed. To me, it sounds like PR's husband wanted to have his cake and eat it too. This has nothing to do with OW, or PR, it has to do with this man missing something within himself. How can ONE person think the marriage is good and has no real issues? (And I'm sure he told the OW his marriage was horrible and exaggerated various problems to suit himself and to make himself look like the good guy, smelling like a rose)
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Phoenix The fact that he followed you when you left shows that his loyalty lies with you and your child. You can rebuild the trust especially now that he knows you will not tolerate the disrespect. Your leaving proved to him that you respect yourself enough to demand better for yourself. In fact, you are here wondering if you can ever trust him again. He's probably wondering where you would go and what he would have to do if you left him again. He might not want to be in that position ever again. I think he wants to do all that he can to show you that you can trust him. That three years is the sticking point for me though. I imagine it will take as long as the affair lasted before you trust him again. But you've been with him for 16 years already, three more years is really just a drop in the bucket in long-term relationships. Good luck with everything. Its great to see you guys are in counseling. That will be a great help as long as you both are vulnerable with each other and honest.
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Phoenix The fact that he followed you when you left shows that his loyalty lies with you and your child. You can rebuild the trust especially now that he knows you will not tolerate the disrespect. Your leaving proved to him that you respect yourself enough to demand better for yourself. In fact, you are here wondering if you can ever trust him again. He's probably wondering where you would go and what he would have to do if you left him again. He might not want to be in that position ever again. I think he wants to do all that he can to show you that you can trust him. That three years is the sticking point for me though. I imagine it will take as long as the affair lasted before you trust him again. But you've been with him for 16 years already, three more years is really just a drop in the bucket in long-term relationships. Good luck with everything. Its great to see you guys are in counseling. That will be a great help as long as you both are vulnerable with each other and honest. Thanks NID Posting here has been helpful. It has really helped me to "see" what I am thinking and put things into perspective. The truth is that my WS has done everything that anyone could do to show his effort to change. He ended the relationship with the OW on the phone with me on 3 way so I could hear it and KNOW it was over. He followed me across 2 states. He changed his line of work so there is no overnight travel. He found us a MC He found himself IC He apologized to my Mom for hurting me and messing up our family. He has been an open book. You are right NID 16 years is a long time and 3 years is a drop in the bucket compared to that. I guess it will just take time for the trust to return. And truly, since my OP I have been thinking, and I have decided that while it may be uncomfortable for me to NOT trust him, it is the best thing in the world for him and for us. It is a good thing for him to have to work his a$$ off to regain my trust.
jasminetea Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Wow! Its really good to read of a relationship where the WS is doing the work they should to put a marriage back together. I wanted to say I like your last thoughts - no bad thing at all to not trust him for the time being and for him to reap the consequences of his actions. How are you handing the balance between making him realise the damage he's caused and continuing to give him the reasons to want to be married to you?
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Thanks NID Posting here has been helpful. It has really helped me to "see" what I am thinking and put things into perspective. The truth is that my WS has done everything that anyone could do to show his effort to change. He ended the relationship with the OW on the phone with me on 3 way so I could hear it and KNOW it was over. He followed me across 2 states. He changed his line of work so there is no overnight travel. He found us a MC He found himself IC He apologized to my Mom for hurting me and messing up our family. He has been an open book. You are right NID 16 years is a long time and 3 years is a drop in the bucket compared to that. I guess it will just take time for the trust to return. And truly, since my OP I have been thinking, and I have decided that while it may be uncomfortable for me to NOT trust him, it is the best thing in the world for him and for us. It is a good thing for him to have to work his a$$ off to regain my trust. You are welcome. I am glad I offered something that was able to help. But I also want to say that posting here is a two-edged sword. There will be many that will discourage you from your stated goal - reconciliation and rebuilt trust. Be forewarned. It will take time for trust to return, and you are such a brave and smart lady knowing that the discomfort of not trusting him is a teaching tool. We all can learn much from things that force us out of our comfort zone. When you find yourself getting discouraged or more distrustful of him than may be warranted, do what my MC told me to at least keep the anxiety about it at bay: play "what's good" today. Remind yourself of the list of things that he's done that you posted above. And then go through the things that he has done on that day. BTW, I love that he apologized to your mom. That took guts. Again, good luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 So the question is.... can it be done? Is it even possible to truly restore trust after you have been betrayed this way? No. Not "truly" anyway, or 100%. You may come to a point where you don't let his cheating consume your every thought, and you may, in general, not lack trust to a point where you have to monitor his every move. But there will ALWAYS be part of you that won't trust him completely. If you can live with that, then I guess you can work with it. i couldn't, wouldn't, and didn't.
Owl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I agree with Dex...but... You will never trust anyone else that 100% either. You now know that there is nothing "special" that protects ANY relationship from this kind of thing happening. In truth, it won't matter if you stay in this relationship or start a new one, you're NEVER going to "blindly trust" anyone again. So...with that said, the real choice here is to decide whether or not you feel there's a good enough foundation on the relationship you're in now to rebuild your marrige from, or if it's time to end it.
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Wow! Its really good to read of a relationship where the WS is doing the work they should to put a marriage back together. I wanted to say I like your last thoughts - no bad thing at all to not trust him for the time being and for him to reap the consequences of his actions. How are you handing the balance between making him realise the damage he's caused and continuing to give him the reasons to want to be married to you? But other than that I am not doing anything extra to give him reasons to want to be married to me. I am a good person, a great wife, and a wonderful mother. I am being very honest with him about how I feel about him, about the affair, about everything. I also acknowledge what he has done to show me he is serious about our relationship. I am also doing things that make me happy. Hobbies, friends, travel. Not waiting on the marriage to get better before I make a happy life for myself. Don't know if any of this actually answers your question.
2sure Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 We are recovering from my H's infidelity. Its been 2 years. I have been changed by it. I have forgiven him. And yes, I trust him. This last leg of getting back to trusting is not complete though. I trust him...but I still dont fully trust my own judgement. Get it?
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 You are welcome. I am glad I offered something that was able to help. But I also want to say that posting here is a two-edged sword. There will be many that will discourage you from your stated goal - reconciliation and rebuilt trust. Be forewarned. Again, good luck. I have been reading some of the threads here and I see it can be brutal. I am learning a lot about people's attitudes regarding marriage and infidelity. This whole expreience has been an eye opener.
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 I will never blindly trust him, or if I leave him, any other man again. No. Not "truly" anyway, or 100%. You may come to a point where you don't let his cheating consume your every thought, and you may, in general, not lack trust to a point where you have to monitor his every move. But there will ALWAYS be part of you that won't trust him completely. If you can live with that, then I guess you can work with it. i couldn't, wouldn't, and didn't.
jasminetea Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Don't know if any of this actually answers your question. I was wondering if the only interaction you have with him is punishment. No worries, not important:)
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Is the fact that I truly thought that cheating could NEVER happen in our relationship. I thought we WERE special. I was wrong. And now, I will always know that there is nothing special that protects any relationship from infidelity. You are right about that. I agree with Dex...but... You will never trust anyone else that 100% either. You now know that there is nothing "special" that protects ANY relationship from this kind of thing happening. In truth, it won't matter if you stay in this relationship or start a new one, you're NEVER going to "blindly trust" anyone again. So...with that said, the real choice here is to decide whether or not you feel there's a good enough foundation on the relationship you're in now to rebuild your marrige from, or if it's time to end it.
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 We are recovering from my H's infidelity. Its been 2 years. I have been changed by it. I have forgiven him. And yes, I trust him. This last leg of getting back to trusting is not complete though. I trust him...but I still dont fully trust my own judgement. Get it? In spite of everything my H has done to restore the relationship I don't trust my judgement where he is concerned. Before I found out about the cheating, my judgement told me he would never cheat. He has proven that my judgement where he is concerned can be VERY wrong. I get it.
Author PhoenixRise Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 I was wondering if the only interaction you have with him is punishment. No worries, not important:) We laugh, we talk about things not related to the affair, we go places, we have fun. But When I am feeling hurt, angry, resentful- I don't try to hide it.
Athena Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I trust him...but I still dont fully trust my own judgement. Get it? Trust in a relationship is based on Truth and Honesty.... I read an article last night at http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/psychspirit/emotionalavailability.htm that covered it pretty well. It is six pages, but I can summarize it here from what I remember: Trust comes from Truth (defined as truthful certifiable Facts) and Honesty -- (the Willingness to Be Open with One's Feelings), which forms a connection of the heart. You cannot have trust without your spouse giving you truthful information and being open about his feelings. However, more than that, once a person breaks your trust it damages your confidence in yourself -- in your ability to be able to know truth and honesty when you see it. This comes about because of all the lies told to you by the person you love. It takes time, and the WS has to behave consistently and predictably.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I will never blindly trust him, or if I leave him, any other man again. I think that is a wise conclusion. However, while I won't blindly trust any woman again...it would go WAY BEYOND simply not blindly trusting my x-wife. Therefore, I didn't want to hold myself prisoner to someone that I could not only distrust, but distrust in a major way. A big difference from simply not "blindly" trusting anyone.
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