smile_through_tears Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 What do I do?? Im desperate for some advice because i am doing WORSE now and i feel like im losing it..but it has been TOO LONG i should be good by now, but im not...what gives!!! i dont want my ex boyfriend away from me because it has been almost 7 months and it has driven me crazy...i was doing better when we kept in touch then now that i "ignored" him and am going NC...For some reason the past week I have been crying SOO MUCH how I did at the begining... anyway I miss him and Im hurting real bad. At times I feel like my life doesnt even feel worthwhile without him...I miss the friend in him as well as the lover but it shouldnt be all or nothing... Now the thing is that I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...I know most people say go NC but I'm not trying to become "strangers" with him..he was my best friend...but what if im still tlaking to him and he gets a new girl?? I'm not sure if I can handle being "just a friend" but I dont think I can handle NOT talking to him...it has been 7 months like I stated and Im sure most of you will agreee that I should be over him by now and I kind of feel like an idiot STILL being SOOO IN LOVE with him after so long...However please dont judge me and respond negatively...I have tried and tried to move on..kissed two other guys...dated...etc....but my ex is sooo deep in my heart i cant shake him... worst thing is that im soo confused and i made mistakes that i wish i didnt...i dont know if he likes anyone else or anything because of the NC i have been doing but it isnt working..I have 2 amazing best friends, a FEW TRUE friends and a good family...but mostly i have acquantances and a world without him in it just feels sooo empty...I cant describe this feeling..but sometimes I cannot even sleep at night or I could pass A WHOLE DAY crying....but it has been 7 months..i should be better but I cant forget him...its almost like i dont want to forget him...its as if i dont want to let go...because what we had was so beautiful and I dont feel complete without having that... But he told me his feelings had changed so I walked away...maybe i should have begged him and pleaded more? maybe it would ahve changed his mind...instead of pretending im fine and NOW COME FROM 7 MONTHS telling him i miss him?? I dont have the guts to do that but i cant stay like this either and i know that...this has got to change..BUT HOW!!!! I dont have money for a psychologist, they need like $100 per visit... I do NOT know what to do.........if i had to choose between losing him completely and having him in my life, I would chose to have him around even as a friend...judging from past experiences (with guys i liked wayyyy less than him) it took me a long time to FULLY get over them...but the weird thing about that is that i DIDNT really suffer like this...it was one of those things where i always liked them...eh yeah but i was fine without them...but with him it is SOOO DIFFERENT!!! i feel like i cant win no matter what i do..I LOSE!!! Cuz NC doesnt get me the result I want...I swear when Im around other guys my heart just rejects them and I was seeing this guy for this whole time i have been broken up with my ex and there's nothing there....I know I need to be strong but EVEN WHEN im strong and feel better, Im still hurting..its like the pain of losing him is a part of my life...if heartbreak was physical and my heart was "literally broken", I would seriously be walking around with a shattered heart...Im not trying to get sympathy as in "aww poor me"..I am describing how I feel hoping that maybe somebody will understand and tell me what the hell do i do..and i want something that will work because NOTHING HAS WORKED SO FAR!!! And if I decide to talk to him what the hell do I say? "Hey sorry for ignoring your attempts to contact me, I was trying to heal"?? I have pride, thats why I dont contact him but if I knew or even thought that there was a chance of us getting back, i wouldnt care about my pride..but since my heart is already crushed it would be even worse to hear an ignorant response...but then, hey thats on him right?? however my heart would not be able to handle it...what would u do in my situation???? i feel sooo hopeless!!!
Author smile_through_tears Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 oh and I must add we have been in contact up till recently...and because I was so used to him writing to me whenever I see a new message on facebook or text i pray that its him but it never is anymor eand then i feel terrible...im losing it....WHAT DO I DO!!! Pleaseeee someone help me
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hugs, smile. It sure is a tough road, ain't it? Perhaps this link to 'How To Survive The Loss Of A Love' will offer you ways to find some relief: http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm In terms of affordable therapy, you could contact the psychology department at local colleges/universities and ask if their graduating students offer low-cost or free sessions as part of their internships. You can also Google "psychotherapy training" for your area, and find out about their grads. Best of luck.
giveuporfight Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 The one most important thing you should ask yourself and to ask it honestly is....does he miss you? For the last 7 months has he thought of you? Do you think he is missing you and wanting to be with you? Is he crying buckets of tears like you are? worst thing is that im soo confused and i made mistakes that i wish i didnt There ya go...you acknowledge the mistakes you have made and then it's time to move on. He has moved on right? It's time you did too, don't you think? Not judging you, your heart is breaking, I fully understand...but what you have to ask yourself is....Do you want to pine for him when he has moved on, the relationship has ended, and you are basically torturing yourself over someone who just doesn't care anymore? Hard facts, you must deal with them and go live your life without him.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Im soo sorry you are going through this, I have felt pain very similar to yours. Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing by walking away when he said his feelings had changed. I know how hurtful it is for someone to tell you that, my xhusband did it to me after 5 years of marriage. I just want to tell you there is hope and you don't need him in your life nor want someone that can walk away from you that easily. You are holding a lot inside, and in time trust me that will go away. Im sure this guy will always fill a special place in your heart, but you needed more from him, right? Something he wasn't willing to give to you. I would not try to be friends with him, you want more than a friend from him, right?? And yes it would be devastating to you if he mentioned another girl or you knew he was dating someone,do NOT put yourself through that misery, you will only be kicking yourself in the end. Have you tried to call some friends or family, and tell them how much you are struggling? I know we always like to hold things in and pretend our lives are perfect, but thats what our friends and family are for, to be there. I know you guys were bestfriends, but you are no longer and it hurts. All of your feelings are very normal, so don't be soo hard on yourself.You still love him and that is ok. I wish you the best of luck...you are going to be ok:)
Author smile_through_tears Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 thank u for your responses and i will make sure to ask at my school.. and giveuporfight...(i like ur name by the way) i dont know if he misses me....i dont know what is going on with him...that's the thing...he has been trying to contact me but i have been ignoring him... my friends say for as much as i suffer, for God's sake, I should call him or why do I ignore him? They say since nothing else has worked I SHOULD CALL HIM AND TALK TO HIM!! or something.....yet i dont dare to cause i think my heart would break 10 times worse.....i honestly am desperate for some help cause it's almost as if i dont want to move on....i know as much as i love him, i should try more but my pride wont let me...esp. if HE HAS SOMEONE ELSE or moved on...who knows??? is it worth the risk of getting my heart crushed even more??? i dont think so....but if there was any chance, it would be to talk to him and find out but yet i think i already know the answer. sigh
messed-mind Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 The longer you keep him around and you're in touch with him, the harder and longer this is going to take. Ask yourself this, how long are you going to stay like this? 1 year? 5 years? 20 years? Until you're old and grey? The sooner you take control and tell him to leave you the-hell alone, the sooner this pain will all stop. I was with someone 5 years and wanted to kill myself when it was over, I was so upset. I know how you feel, the pain is terrible but trust me it does get better, and it does go away. But you must be strong on this, noone can do it for you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. All this talk of "should i phone" or "should i not" is only making you feel much worse. You said you did better when you were in touch? It's because you secretly want him to change his mind and say "wow, what a mistake, lets get back together!" - that isn't going to happen. You keep allowing him back in and to give you that addictive hit that you're addicted to; that's why it seems easier that way. However that way will NEVER let you heal. Give it up, and let yourself heal. The road is a long and painful one, but I promise you'll get there. Start by cutting him out completely.
Author smile_through_tears Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 But he did try to CONTACT ME alot of times...and i ignored it..even if he wanted me back he wouldnt just come out and tell me...and one side i feel like i know its over and hes not even thinking of me but that doesnt make me stop thinking of him. this sucks!
messed-mind Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Yes, he tried to contact you; and for that he's being insensitive in not allowing you to move on with your life when he clearly doesn't want to get back together. It's simple. If you let him in regardless of who contacts who, you'll end up at square one. Maybe you might need to put a stake in the ground and say "please never contact me again"? Apologies if you've done that already, i've not re-read the thread since yesterday.
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I'm sorry that you are feeling the way that you are feeling especially after all this time. As hard as it is, you need to try to move on from him. I think for awhile if not permanently you should delete your facebook page, myspace page, etc. that you know you will come across him. Would you feel better if you change your phone number? or can you handle to delete his texts or ignore his phone calls? What did you do before you were with him (like hobby wise, going out, etc), because maybe you should get back to that. I know sitting in your room all day doesn't help but makes the heart-ache worse. I wish after 7 months you could have moved on, but everyone deals with heartache differently. I just think that if you could get back to the stuff you use to love doing, reading, dancing, exercising, what ever it may be, to go back to that to keep your mind at ease. See if your school has some sort of extra curricular activity to keep you busy or even volunteer your time if you aren't working. Hun, things will get better, but you have to be strong!!! There will be someone in life that you will meet that will have you forget about this guy...TRUST ME. For now, focus only on you and you only.
Zapbasket Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hi Smile, I've been where you are and I feel for you. My former partner of 5 years broke up with me in February 2007, and I was just devastated, and blindsided: I truly didn't think he would break up with me without letting me know of his discontent and working together to ameliorate it. I felt I'd lost the best friend I'd ever had, and I wondered how on earth I could go on without him in my life, not even as a friend. Like you, 7 months later, I was still hurting terribly. Unlike you, we'd had no contact in that time as he'd severed every possible tie to me in a harsh email and told me not to contact him. After much wavering, 7 months later I decided to contact him because I just could bear it no longer. He was nice, but was noncommittal about our ever talking or seeing each other again, even as friends. So I felt I had the answers I needed, and the only thing left to do was to move on as best I could. It was hard, incredibly hard. My intent in sharing this all with you is first to assure you you're not alone; it's just fine to miss him after all this time, and still love him. And second, I want to assure you that if you make an effort, it WILL get better. You can't force it; you just have to gently nudge it along by getting out there and making new friends, connecting with old friends in new ways, taking risks with new hobbies, and inventing something to look forward to each day. Even now, 2 years later, my ex holds a special place in my heart. You could say I still love him. But, that love has been moved, gram by painful gram, to the realm of the past. To move forward, to love myself, I had to open my heart to the possibility of new love. I have been with my current partner now for a year. I'm not sure he's The One, but it's not because I'm holding out for my ex. I have had to let that go. My ex called me a few months ago, and I chose to ignore it. It was hard, but for me to risk ripping open everything I'd worked so hard to build in the last 2 years, he was going to have to contact me with much more than "just called to say hi." So I let it go. It's still painful, sometimes. I was pretty traumatized by how abruptly and coldly he broke up with me. The words in his email were very, very harsh. But that's something I am constantly working on in myself. I use this as a guide: no one person's actions should ever determine how you live out the rest of your life. No one, in reality, truly has that power. And those that seize it (talking here of despots), shouldn't be allowed to keep it. As for finding a psychologist. Make sure you get a referral from someone whose opinion you respect. Then ask the person if he or she has any low-fee slots. Many shrinks in private practice set aside a certain number of billable hours for lower-income patients. I once had psychotherapy for $50/session with a very well-regarded therapist whose usual fee was $150/session. It's important to avail yourself of an opportunity to talk out your feelings in a safe place. Hang in there. (((((((hugs))))))))
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