2nd-Best Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Okay so If any of you know anything about my previous posts, I have a bf who is addicted to porn, and I made a no porn rule because it was affecting our sex life.. just like any other addiction you can not feed it a little and then stop he needs large amounts of degrading stuff. So I had a meltdown last year and he promised not to watch it anymore, he even got rid of his laptop, well his laptop broke and he never paid to get it fixed. So its been since October since he has watched Internet Porn in this house anyways, until now.. I just got MY OWN computer a gift from my father and I set up a guest account so that him and my roomate can use the internet when they want. I spoke to my bf and flat out said DO NOT USE MY COMPUTER FOR PORN! this is MY computer.. to me using my computer for that when he knows im so dead against it and that he knows that i would get hurt is like if he were cheating on me but in my own bed or something like that, i know i know not the exact same thing... but its the principle of the matter. So, about 3 weeks ago we find out that we are pregnant and we decide to keep the baby, I had a threatened miscarriage last week and we had to go to the emergency room I was freaking out crying, while he was looking for his HAT and cutting a piece of HAM, So im yelling COME ON COME ON (meanwhile im having cramping and bleeding) he yells and me and swears and tells me to "HOLD THE **** ON" . So anyways I didnt miscarry thank god but I was told to try not to be in stressful situations.. so you think since my bf was MORE stoked on me being pregnant that I was he would be there, instead he has been drunk almost every night of the week, he doesnt have his rent money together because he decided he didnt feel like going into work anymore (PS this is a job that pays like $3000 NET every two weeks) so he loses his job.. AMAZING RIGHT?? and PERFECT TIMING TOO!! so anyways, Needless to say I am stressing out non stop.. I was also told by the doctor not to have sex for a few weeks just incase ... Now like I said if you have read any of my old threads yo uwould know that my bf rarely ever has sex with me.. which is why it took a year of condomless sex for me to finally get pregnant. So a couple weeks shouldnt be so hard right, I mean we could still do other things. So last night my roomate my bf and my neighbors all decide to drink and im pretty sure they did MDMA (extacy) and were up making MAJOR noise in the apartment next door until 6AM, I couldnt sleep I was irratable and pissed off and stressing out, I kept getting cramps in my uterus which is NOT a good sign, finally after i came out yelling at the top of my lungs and threatening them with eviction they shut it down. My bf comes home and passes out on the couch then trys to come into the bedroom at 8am... I've only been sleeping at this point for a couple of hours so im pissed and he smells like the floor of a dirty bar, and my nose is like 5 times extra sensitive to smell right now so im sure you can only guess how gross that was to me. I told him to get out of the bedroom and go back to the couch, then about one hour later i can hear him walking around .. and im thinking what is he doing, he went in the hallways then shut the door to my roomates room then I hear him turn the computer on, I find this strange so I open the bedroom door and say "Don't you ****ing dare use my computer to watch porn" so he goes and lays back on the couch i can hear that my computer is still on but not being used so I come out and turn it off then go back to the bedroom and go back to sleep... SO he waited again until I feel asleep then turned MY computer back on and went onto the guest account and downloaded or watched free porn or something. I always know when hes up to something so about an hour ago when i finally wake up I come out to the livingroom turn on my computer go onto the guest account and find in the address bar the website he goes to, he deleted the history but forgot to delete the address bar history.. like wtf.. HELLOOOO... not too bright!! So I bust him and he doesnt say anything and then I tell him hes a liar and he doesnt seem to care that much because he will ALWAYS feel defensive when he gets caught and he will always DEFEND his porn! So I'm pretty fricken pissed off right now, I am thinking about moving out not just because of the porn thing but the accumulation of his actions..like how long do I have to put up with this before I see change .. .REAL CHANGE?? I know I cant change him but I've been waiting for him to do it and see whats most important in his life, and now that we are going to have a child I think its almost better for me to raise it alone then subject it to his actions.
Artu Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I understand all ladies` stress about their guys` porn addiction, though it is not an addiction at all .. Look at this from another point of angle . For example, YOU ,ladies , Love to watch all possible Latinoamerican soap operas, do not you ? Are your boyfriends happy with that fact ? Do not your boyfriends call this your "sweet" hobby an ADDICTION ??? You say : "What the hell is bad in Latinoamerican soap operas?!" and you are so angry asking this .. Well , 1-watching it takes long time,which you had to use to do your flat,to cook,to watch over your kids` home works,to arrange your boyfriend`s (hubby`s) clothes ... the list may be long. 2-in the case when you are watching your soap opera in the hall room of your home,where the only wide flat LCD TV is placed,you make your bf (hubby)watch his soccer match in your bedroom little screen TV set,which he hates to watch ...and by the way he wants to invite his friends to watch together,but you took the space in the hall ... 3-watching these soap operas you start living in that dreamy melodramatic world,and your phone is just bursting from all calls and talks with your gfs also watching same discussing this "stupid" (by your bf`s opinion) content of the definite part .. In short you make a big discomfort .. Ok,now you will ask me what the connection this has with porn .. It has a Very Straight Connection . For your bfs you are addicted to soap operas what makes him same cross as you are cross with him because of his porn .. Why Ladies love soap operas ? - Because they are so romantic.They just Need it!! Why Guys love porn? - Because they are so sensual . They also Need it!! So why to make a Big thing out of this,ladies ? Just sit and think . The best thing you can do : Join your bf watching porn and discuss together if your hormones now let you do it !
Ronni_W Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 2nd, It could be that he is just not ready to become a parent (even though he said he is), and is acting out in ways that he hopes will make YOU dump him...so that HE doesn't have to find the strength and courage to be honest and open about his deeper thoughts, feelings, fears and wants. That is, possibly he is engaging in self-sabotaging and/or passive-aggressive behaviour. More importantly, though, YOU know what you need to keep yourself and your baby healthy and safe during your pregnancy. I would suggest that your physical, emotional and mental well-being are your first priorities, so there is nothing at all "wrong" with you doing what you have to do. Hugs and best of luck -- take care of YOU!
Author 2nd-Best Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 I understand all ladies` stress about their guys` porn addiction, though it is not an addiction at all .. Look at this from another point of angle . For example, YOU ,ladies , Love to watch all possible Latinoamerican soap operas, do not you ? Are your boyfriends happy with that fact ? Do not your boyfriends call this your "sweet" hobby an ADDICTION ??? The best thing you can do : Join your bf watching porn and discuss together if your hormones now let you do it ! What in the hell are you talking about?? I dont watch latin soaps or any soaps.. I watch CSI and Law And Order and a Baby Story.. hahahahhahaha hardly cause for anything wrong. He would watch HOURS of brutal degrading.. demeaning, sick porn and we would sometimes go MONTHS with no sex!! THAT is addiction my friend.
Jennifer26 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 First off - Porn addiction IS real. Some people can have a drink every now and then, or go out and gamble every now and then without it destroying their life/relationships/careers, etc. Some cannot. Porn is the same way. Some men can look at it occasionally, some men look at it all of the time. They get fired from jobs, not just once, but on numerous occasions for looking at porn. They wind up divorced because of porn. They spend ridiculous amounts of time, energy and resources all devoted to looking at porn I find Artu's post quite ignorant. And for the record, I hate soap operas. Second, you're right that you cannot stop him from looking. Nor can you lay down "rules" about when and where and how often he can look. You either have to act, meaning you leave him if you're unwilling to deal with this, or you leave it alone and you live with it That's it. You're not going to guilt, force, pressure, scare, etc. your fiance from looking at porn. He'll change if he wants to change, or he may never change. Not every addict recovers, even when they've lost everything and hit rock bottom It sucks, believe me I know. I'm married to a man who is addicted to porn (and needs constant validation through women) and for ten years I have read countless books, gone onto dozens of websites, spoke to counselors, you name it - I've done it. And I am still in square one. The sooner you realize this isn't your addiction, the easier your life will be.
Artu Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 The sooner you realize this isn't your addiction, the easier your life will be. Explain this,please . And telling me that my post was ignorant - is the easiest way to hide your complexes. All men watch porn.Even some women.So what ? What about "soaps" ,then I used it just to explain an addiction to TV programmes of any kinds.An addiction is a need to do ,a need to do and once again a need to do . And YOU have YOUR own something,you mention yourself . And regarding those who get "A bye bye letter" from the boss at work because of porn addiction , they do just not that much differ from some other addictions holders.There are many kinds of addictions ,like gambling on money or just so , chatting, netting .. So maybe we start to cure all of them now .. starting from porn addictions .. ? hahahaha
manugeorge Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 This is not so much about porn, it's about an immature man that you have chosen to procreate with. Who just stops going to work? until they get fired. Are you kidding me, in this hellish economy, someone is freely giving up their job because they don't feel like dealing with it? If that's not incredibly childish, I don't know what is. And then you are bringing a child into all these mess, when you are already dealing with one. I feel for you and if I were you, I will pack my bags and start planning how to raise this kid on my own.
headlesschicken Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 why in the world did you decide to procreate with this man?
bean1 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 If he has an addiction to porn like you say he does then he cannot just stop using it. If it were that simple, there would be no crack cocaine addicts, alcoholics, etc. Addiction is something that takes weeks, months, years of self-aware effort to overcome. Rarely does an addict overcome their vice without professional help. Telling him to stop will not work. Him saying he will "just stop" will not work. A sexual addiction is similar to a food addiction, it is still something that needs to be fed but controlled. If anything, that is worse than a crack addiction. You can live without cocaine. I do not think men can live without sex (or food!). You both need to speak with a professional in regards to this, since there will be a child coming into the home soon, you must both make an effort. If you aren't sure where to turn, phone your local AA and they will put you in the right direction.
Jennifer26 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Explain this,please . And telling me that my post was ignorant - is the easiest way to hide your complexes. All men watch porn.Even some women.So what ? What about "soaps" ,then I used it just to explain an addiction to TV programmes of any kinds.An addiction is a need to do ,a need to do and once again a need to do . And YOU have YOUR own something,you mention yourself . And regarding those who get "A bye bye letter" from the boss at work because of porn addiction , they do just not that much differ from some other addictions holders.There are many kinds of addictions ,like gambling on money or just so , chatting, netting .. So maybe we start to cure all of them now .. starting from porn addictions .. ? hahahahaMy complexes? Honestly, I find this post very presumptuous and rude. First off, let me clear something up. I am one of these women who sometimes watches porn. Porn is not the issue here, so let's not turn this into is porn right or wrong thread. And yes, people can become psychologically addicted to many things, including gambling. The issue is not the gambling, or the porn, or the "soap operas" for that matter. People who ruin relationships, careers and so forth over compulsive behavior and cannot stop no matter how hard they try usually have much more deep seated issues. Faulting the OP, or myself for the behavior of our partners and telling us we have complexes, or need to lighten up because "men like porn" is beyond insulting. I hope you never love someone with an addiction or have to go through the pain involved.
trubella Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 i've read alot of your old posts and i am honestly baffled that you are still with this guy, on top of that you are now pregnant by him. now you are tied to him for 18 years. an incredibly selfish jerk who just gave up his job knowing he has a fiance and baby on the way.. nice. seriously what is it about him that keeps you coming back? and this a serious question.. do yourself a favor and take care of yourself and the baby, listen to your doctor, you do not need the added stress at this point in time.. which is what he is doing to you.. stressing you out to the max. porn is just one of the issues you have faced with him, its all minor in the grand scheme of things here. theres so many red flags with him its not even funny.
bean1 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 In another thread, you said you loved him because of the person he was capable of being. You know, EVERYBODY is capable of something. You and I are capable of being Mother Theresa - do we do it? No, maybe that's because it's not who we really are. This guy is lazy, does drugs, goes out drinking while you stress all night. This is who he is. I think it is natural for a lot of women to try and force a man to be something he isn't. It never works. I'm not sure what it is going to take for you to realize that you are trying to force a relationship that isn't going to work. He isn't ready for a wife and child. And Artu, we don't get Latino soap operas in Vancouver.
porter218 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 All I have to say is MDMA is the WRONG drug for someone with any form of sex addiction. I am normally anti porn but I have to say that I don't doubt that the drug overrides any common sense about such matters. You should be more pissed about him losing his job and becoming dysfunctional.
Author 2nd-Best Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 why in the world did you decide to procreate with this man? Well, I didnt choose to procreate, it was as much as i dont like calling this ... an ACCIDENT, i'm on or was on birth control, didnt work.. so now I'm pregnant, and its my responsibility to take responsibility.. lol Trust me when I found out I cried for a long time, I would have loved to have children with him one day had he finally grown up, but it just so happens that today is the day that im pregnant. I can't make him change for me I am well aware of that, it is his choice to change, HOWEVER.... if he wants to be a part of his childs life he HAS to change and there is no way around that.
Author 2nd-Best Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 All I have to say is MDMA is the WRONG drug for someone with any form of sex addiction. I am normally anti porn but I have to say that I don't doubt that the drug overrides any common sense about such matters. You should be more pissed about him losing his job and becoming dysfunctional. I'm pissed about the ENTIRE situation, this post was not about porn.. the porn was just the last thing to happen right before i posted this. I'm vexed that he did drugs again, he was doing really well without the drugs for MONTHS, which was his own choice to do, and then the other day he was like "I'm going to start eating healthier and stop drinking for awhile, can you help me with it?" again his own choice... I didnt even bring it up. Then the next day he was drinking again.. its just rediculous... I get promised things and I believe it because i love him and then I'm just constantly let down.. And the job thing, ya I was and am pissed I've been mentioning it daily .. TRUST ME! but thats him... oh geesh , reminds me of my father when he was young.. how freudian
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