VaKoss Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Yes, I suppose I am a bit confused, perplexed even…(sorry is going to be a bit long, so get some coffee…) This is about the current relationship that I am in. But first let me preface what I am going to write by providing the following… 1) The woman that I am involved with has been through the ringer. Failed marriage from infidelity and just about anything else you can think of. Failed relationships since then due to the same as the first - none longer than a couple of months. 2) I have not dated in close to 10 years. I met the woman in question 8 months ago online… Her profile was quite honest, and direct about what the set expectations should be i.e chaotic life, her children etc.; all things that I can, do and have respected and will continue to so do. We started as most with emails, then to IM after a few weeks. This eventually gave way to phone conversations. The conversations lasted nearly 2 months. Nightly calls lasting 45min to several hours. During that time we provided what I would consider normal “20 question” sessions. Eventually the she brought up the subject of a face to face. She left the details and planning to me. Taking what I had learned through our conversations I chose the local botanical gardens for the points that it was 1) a half way point. 2) She is a country girl and likes the outdoors 3) It was public and not crowded. 4) there was a horse ride, as she is very much into horses. We were to meet when the garden opened and expected to be there only a couple of hours. When we arrived the meet and greet lead off with hugs, some what unexpected to me. By the time we had been in the garden 15 min, the walk from point to point was being done hand in hand, then arm in arm…all extremely welcome I might add. The 2 hours that we had planned turned into almost six by the time it was over. ***As stated above her life is chaotic, our dates are generally a couple of weeks apart. (phone every night) We plan them around her children being at their fathers*** Since then we have been on apx 14 dates in the six months since the first face to face. All have been extraordinarily grand. Each escalating in the amount of what I consider intimacy and affection…Thus we get to my confusion and the reason that I have come for theories, hypothesis and general thoughts. I may be wrong on what is intimate these days so I will list situations that I think may qualify. When we are in the car, she will take my hand and hold it during the trip no matter how long. While holding my hand there is a very gentle but deliberate stroking of my hand with hers, same of my arms. She will sit as close as possible next to me with her arms around me and her face nuzzled in my neck. When I walk-up behind her and slip my hands around her waist, she will fall back into me and rest there in a gentle swaying action coupled with what I can only describe as deep contented sighs. She will walk up to me and just hold on for the longest time, hands moving up-down on back etc. There have been times where there have been “careful” hand placements on legs and thighs. There are several other instances that I can list but I think that you get the idea. Further, our conversations have turned to very “future speak” plans that can only be considered in the long term. Vacations, how to celebrate her children’s birthdays, graduations etc (no I have not met them, I am more or less leaving the time table here to her) With all this, she has told me early on that she was/is not wanting anything serious…today it is not sure if she wants something serious. (oh I might mention that we have not kissed to this point as she considers that to be VERY intimate…there have been kisses on the cheek, hands etc) Again, something I am not pushing since she has said that she does not want to…although in an embrace on our last date I posed the following questions: If I were to kiss you right now would you be mad? “No” Would you hit me (small laugh) “No” Would you turn tail and run and I never see you again..? “No” Would you be disappointed because I did not wait for you? “No” And as the gentleman that I have been, I didn’t kiss her even though I think I should have. So, in the above examples, are her actions speaking more than what she says about something serious? Is she simply guarding herself due to the past by saying “nothing serious”? Could it be that, by her own admission, I am a full 180 from what she has ever known and doesn't know exactly how to handle it? I mean, from what I know from other conversations, at this stage (6 months) we have moved into an LTR. I consider this to be serious. She has not asked me for anything and from all indications has not tried to play me. From what I know of her, I don’t think that she has it in her to be like that. Our next date is this coming weekend. I would like to be “armed’ with a better sense of what at lest might be what. Thanks (gezz did any of that make sense?!?!?)
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Are you a virgin? I only ask because you seem some what unconfident. The relationship you have developed with this women sounds pretty great. My only criticism is it all happened so slow and I do blame you. She is the one who pushed for the face to face that took guts and she had to face rejection when she brought that up. you should have tried for a face to face first and you should have done it after the first phone call, and u should have pushed for phone calls. Of course she wouldn't be mad or hold it against you if you tried to kiss her the worst that would happen is she would move her head and you'd hit her cheek. On all honesty a woman even one who is not ready to kiss is far more likely to hold it against you for not trying to kiss her. So go ahead and be romantic and don't even ask just get close like your going to hug her and kiss her on the cheek and then kiss her on the lips then tell her as I'm sure you will how much you enjoyed it and how you need another and the hopefuly you two can make out
Dawn26 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Yeah... I have to agree with Green on this one, you need to man up and take charge of the situation! She sounds super shy, BUT she also sounds like she's waiting on you to make your move. We woman say many things, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty we sometimes don't mean what we say.
Author VaKoss Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Thank you for the input... Confidence has never been an issue before, however I am extremely old fashion, as we both are, with much defined rules and progressive steps. I know I make it sound as if I am 90 and living in the Stone Age but I am 40 and she is 37. I will admit that I have been quite reserved in my actions not wanting to “force” her to something that she does not want; or me to be pigeonholed as another a** that just wants to get into her pants… As I said next date is this coming weekend. I suppose that I should make my stand, see what happens and hope for the best. No am not a virgin, widower, I lost my wife 11 years ago in a convenience store robbery.
zaphodb2002 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 If I were to kiss you right now would you be mad? “No” Would you hit me (small laugh) “No” Would you turn tail and run and I never see you again..? “No” Would you be disappointed because I did not wait for you? “No” And as the gentleman that I have been, I didn’t kiss her even though I think I should have. Why in the world didn't you kiss her?! That was the signal, dude! They say there's no signal, but yeah, that was the signal! Green wins this thread. He's absolutely right. You gotta rock that moment. If you don't kiss her, and she leaves, you'll never know. But if you kiss her, and she leaves, at least you know you did your best and that things wouldn't have worked out. Or maybe, you'll kiss her, and she'll kiss you back. You gotta put it all out there and make yourself vulnerable. Go for it, man. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Well if its been 10 years since you've had a romantic relationship it makes you a virgin of sorts. I've also lost important people in my life to tragedy and it closed me off for many years so if that was your situation I can relate. If I may be so bold are you falling in love with this woman with the troubled past? It sounds like you are weather you've thought about it or not you sound like a man who is falling in love heck you may already be there... Point is your not some guy just trying to get in her pants so just go ahead and take that kiss like I said the worst that will happen is nothing unless she is a liar because she already admitted she wouldn't be mad or anything and that would have been a great time to have just kissed her very romantic in my opinion. That first date where you spent 6 hours really sounds great. The same way shes injured so are you, trust yourself enough to take a chance and kiss the woman because i think that is old fashioned. Good Luck and after the kissing if she still seems distant in the folowing weeks just call her out on it
Author VaKoss Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Green, I am quite sure that I have crossed the line and fallen already... She has not seamed distant on most any of this, just that she says a kiss is "too intimate", “too serious” … that first 6 hour date was great, and they have done nothing but get better as we go along.... thanks... will see what happens and will update then...
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 good luck I hope some more people post to give you their Point of view. Congratulations on being in love I'm sure she feels the same way about you. go for that kiss
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Yes - Green definitely has it on this one. Major bingo. It sounds to me like she's just being careful, but wouldn't mind you taking the lead on this one. I can understand being old-fashioned, but GEES, this is SLOW. LOL I'm blown away that you didn't kiss her after all her answers to your kiss questions! I would think by now that it's pretty obvious to her that you are not around to play games. You've put in your time and shown your worthiness. Kiss the girl!
Recommended Posts