Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Okay...so I've been dating this guy for about two months and things are going pretty well. Here's the issue. He likes to go out to clubs. One in particular. That's actually where we met. That's not the issue because I like to go out dancing too. The wierd thing is that he won't go out with me...or if he's going out...he doesn't like it if I'm there. He says it's just because he's had bad experiences going clubbing with exes. No matter what I say about how things might be different, with a different person..he just keeps saying "I don't like it" and won't give in. Do I have reason to be upset and/or worried? or should I just take it as a blessing and just go out with my girls when I want to go dancing??
cybersister Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 sounds weird to me. personally I do not get people who are too dogmatic and do not like to see the other person's point of view. I would be tempted to check up on him and go there with your girlfriends
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Yah I am tempted but at the same time, I know that showing up there would seem like I'm in fact "checking up on him" when I'm really not like that at all. It's not that I don't trust him...I don't think he's doing anything wrong when he's out. I think that maybe he just flirts and his ex was the jealous type and it ended up in a big fight one night or something like that. That's not how I am...I just like going out dancing and dressing up with my significant other! That's why I'm not even sure if this is worth stressing over. But I even asked him the other day, what about when I go out for my birthday? Are you not going to come? And he said he'd "think about it'. That one really got me...
cybersister Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 so it sounds like trhis is not about mistrust but about coupledom. You want to go out and be seen as a couple- maybe he is not ready for that yet ? Do you go other places as a couple- like for meals etc ?
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Yah we do all the time...to dinner and movies and that...he says that he wants to do the things with me that he can't do with his friends. And he's totally affectionate in public too...It's just driving me absolutely crazy that he won't go to a club with me.
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 well he should be alloud to go to the club byhimself if he wants but even so it does seem fishy. Clubs are sexualy charged atmospheres but then again clubs are also places you can just sit back and share drinks with your friends and people watch at its greatest. I personaly do enjoy going out with out my gf. She is very clingy and I'm sure she would admit some of this but not all of this. Like last time i went out to a club with my gf she got cold and I had to give her my jacket and I was freezing and she kept wanting drinks and got so drunk we couldnt even have sex... then another time we went out to a club it was hot in the club but she refused to put her coat down because she thought some one might steal it and she was complaining about how crowded it was and then some one said something really rude to her and I ended up in a fight and OMG so I can see how ur bf could of had who knows what bad experience at club with gfs. I mean if this is something you can't get past break up with him but if he's cheating it will become obvious and he should relise that he needs to be sensative with this no gf's at the club issue
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Thanks for the advice! I definately don't think he's cheating on me and I do see where he's coming from. It doesn't bother me that he wants to go out with his boys once in a while but the fact that he NEVER wants me to come is what bugs me. Or at least that he won't try and see what happens. I'm pretty sure we'd have a great time because no matter what we're doing...we usually do. We've drank together with friends and that too and there's never been any problems, so he has no reason to think there will be if we're out.
norajane Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 He says it's just because he's had bad experiences going clubbing with exes Like what? If he doesn't go out with you on your birthday, then he's an ass. I don't care what "bad experiences" he had with his exes, if you want to go dancing for your birthday, he ought to be able to suck it up for a night to go out and have fun with you. I'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he really won't go out on your birthday, there's something messed up about that.
avacakes Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Like what? If he doesn't go out with you on your birthday, then he's an ass. I don't care what "bad experiences" he had with his exes, if you want to go dancing for your birthday, he ought to be able to suck it up for a night to go out and have fun with you. I'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he really won't go out on your birthday, there's something messed up about that. I totally agree. He sounds pretty selfish (sorry) . I think there is a bigger issue here than him just not "wanting to go clubbing" with you. It sounds as if he doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship at all...and why bring up baggage from previous relationships to justify how he's treating you in the present? It's a sign of immaturity and selfishness. If he's making such a big deal out of such a small thing now, imagine how the relationship will be in a year? Something to think about, I wish you luck girl..however things go.
chrislovestosurf Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 let me save you some time in figuring this out... he goes to clubs and doesnt want you there because he wants to dance with hot girls and hook up. He wants to keep his options open. Like someone else said, a club is a sexually charged atmosphere. Guy isnt ready to settle down just yet, sorry.
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Agreed completely. Problem is, my birthday's not until August! Lol...so that means I have to wait that long to find out.
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Thank you all soo much btw...this has been driving me crazy for some time...good to hear other people's opinions! I'm thinking maybe 2 months is too soon to judge something like this? Maybe wait a while and see how it plays out
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 seriously its up to you, my gf had a bunch of guy friends and maybe it really was just platonic but i gave her an ultimatum and really would have left her if she hadn't cut off her relationships with her guy friends that she had before we started dating. So maybe he goes clubing and its his rule no gfs but if it bothers you that much have a talk explain yourself and tell him how its going to be and you may have to break up with him or he may decide to break up with you or maybe you guys will evolve... remember pick your battles. If hes cheating at the night club it wouldn't be that hard to find out all you'd have to do is suggest your friends that he may or may not notice hang out at the club and report back to you. Seriously you just have to trust people, my gf was at a club just last night with out me and i trust her even though she did something called a bj shot off a female friend of hers lol
zaphodb2002 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Maybe that's just his guy thing. I know I have a few things I like to do with just the guys (primarily heavy drinking, smoking cigars and bull****ting, lol) and I feel a little self conscious when she's around. Maybe you guys could go to a different club together?
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 He just doesn't want to go to any in general
zaphodb2002 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Well, a relationship's based on mutual trust, and if you really don't trust him at the club, you've gotta tell him that. If he's unwilling to change, you gotta decide if that's a deal breaker for you. I, personally, have a pretty jealous side... makes me a little sad to admit it... your situation would bother me if I were in it.
Author Islandgirl221 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Yah...the whole relationship is new too though. I just think I might be getting ahead of myself here. Even though it does bother me, I don't know if I have the right to bring it up over and over at this point. It's only been a couple of months and I've had bad experiences with things moving too quickly in the past.
socialight Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 if you make him choose between going out with his friends and spending time with you, you will probably lose. You need to be very careful in this situation. Based on these limited statements, I think it is possible you are in a relationship with a guy who is "emotionally unavailable". If you are getting enough time, and everything else you want, you should not force the issue, and in fact, you should actively seek out / develop a comparable experience for yourself where he is not welcome. If you are not getting enough time, etc, you should consider moving on.
norajane Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Yah...the whole relationship is new too though. I just think I might be getting ahead of myself here. Even though it does bother me, I don't know if I have the right to bring it up over and over at this point. It's only been a couple of months and I've had bad experiences with things moving too quickly in the past. It's fine to take it slower and learn more about him as you go along. That also gives him a chance to know you better. If you love to go dancing, go with your friends. I know you'd like him to go with you and think that would be fun, but it probably wouldn't be fun if you have to drag him there. Maybe as he relaxes into the relationship, he'll change his mind. Maybe he won't. You'll have to see how you feel about it later.
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