birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Well, I'm back (albeit in a different forum) to discuss my current situation (follow the link for background). Can someone help me understand why a guy who was angling for something solely physical in nature would continue to spend ANY time in conversation with someone who has stated, unequivocally, that they're not interested in that? After I told him I didn't want to be his f*ck buddy, he apologized. I felt that was a nice thing to do, as he seemed really sincere. But I truly expected that to be the end of our interaction. Instead, I've received an average of 20 emails per day and have spent a total of about ten hours on chat (around two to three hours daily). This may not be a huge deal, but he works a very odd schedule, and I am both employed full-time and a full-time student. This is a massive amount of time for both of us, and in light of what he does for a living and the fact that his schedule is constantly in flux (not at liberty to say how, but it's very simple for me to see that he's actually working when he says he is), certainly worth consideration. On one hand, my inner optimist wants desperately to believe that he's fundamentally a good guy. He got caught up in the flirtation and innuendo and ran with it. For that matter, I probably threw some mixed signals out there and accept part of the blame. Perhaps he realized his mistake and is backing things up so that we can continue talking and see what happens honestly. My inner pragmatist acknowledges how utterly damaging to his career allegations of sleaze would be, and thinks that the continued emails (which are still flirtatious!) are just damage control. And, finally, my inner pessimist thinks he's pursuing a new angle to keep himself a sticking point in my mind (and, eventually, my pants). I would be lying through my teeth if I said it wasn't working. I wake up in the mornings to new emails and find that, as each day passes, I'm growing increasingly attached to them. The attention is nice, being asked how my day is is thrilling beyond compare (amazing how something so simple can elicit such a powerful reaction), but I'm just not sure what to think. If you can forgive me for yet another painfully long entry, I'd appreciate any advice thrown my way. Merci!
Dawn26 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 This predicament is extremely interesting and entertaining, or maybe it's just the way you describe it. It's almost like a cat & mouse hunt..I love it! If I were you I would continue this game and just maybe something good will come out of it the possibilities are endless...plus you sound entertained by it.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Hahaha! Entertained? I suppose I am, on some level. It is very exciting, I'll admit. What is interesting about this exchange is that expressing interest of my own does not seem to have an adverse effect on his interest. In every relationship I've had and with every guy I've ever simply dated, the moment I return the interest is the moment they seem to lose it. But if I find myself thinking about this guy after we haven't exchanged emails for a few hours and initiate a brand-new email thread, he'll even write me back from his Blackberry in the car if he's not near a computer, and he'll do it immediately in most cases. What I want to do here is strike the right kind of balance... you know, let him know I'm definitely interested in continuing this while not making myself look TOO interested. I am attracted to him sexually and have been for years, but most of his appeal for me is intellectual in nature. I absolutely, positively will not enter into a friends with benefits situation. If I am not good enough for a proper date, I am not good enough for a hook-up. I am certain that he has plenty of opportunities for this, and he is free to seek them if this is what he wants.
norajane Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Have you ever met this guy in person? It sounds like both of you are addicted to electronic communication. If you don't actually meet in person, it's just not based on "reality". People are not the same "live" as they are when typing. Don't get too attached to it because 1) it's easy to be misled/fantasize about who a person is without face to face communication, and 2) it's easy to drop an electronic flirtation when he meets someone he likes in person.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 We met in person in 1996 and quasi-dated for a while then. So, we already know each other, but our schedules up to now have truly not been conducive to meeting up for conversation or anything else. I'm not sweating that part of it too much simply because I know beyond all shadow of doubt that the opportunity has not existed since we've begun talking again.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 If it helps at all with understanding the difficulty we have in pursuing conversation that is not solely electronic in nature, our schedules are directly opposite the other. I'm just trying to feel the situation out to understand why he'd continue even talking to me if he's not interested in something beyond screwing each others' brains out. To be honest, our limited availability actually lends itself to that; however, I have established the fact that I'm not down with that (or not JUST that), and yet he continues contacting me (and perhaps even more frequently than before).
zaphodb2002 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Maybe he's not interested in a committed relationship, but he still enjoys talking to you. Maybe he's thinking more platonically, now. I'm sure there's still the innuendo, because it adds spice to a conversation, and I'm sure he enjoys the attention just as much as you do. It's nice to talk to someone, you said it yourself. He might be a good friend in the long run... just don't let him get the best of your morals.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 You're probably right, zaphodb2002. I haven't heard from him yet today, so perhaps this is the beginning of the shift away from... whatever this has been. This would make the first day in nearly two weeks I've not had something from him waiting in my inbox. I'll let him email me if he wants to continue talking.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 ...and just as I posted this, he wrote. It was very dry, though. There was not a trace of his usual silliness. I did respond, but kept it light. So disappointing, but I'm following his lead.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 His plan is working. I am inclined to believe you, Bob. Time to drop this one like a hot potato. There are plenty of women out there who'd be willing to lift up their skirts for him simply because he's well-known, and perhaps he assumed I'd be among their ranks. I'm not. He seemed nice enough, but I knew him when he was just a goofy but lovable nobody, and I fancied him then. Local celebrity status seems to have just made him a creep. Next.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 I think I thought there was at first, or at least I wanted to believe that. My memory of this guy was brought back in a major way when I saw that he was just as silly and adorable as I remembered him being years and years ago. When the hotel room conversation took place, it skeeved me out to an extreme degree, and although he has been very apologetic and sweet since (with the exception of today; I've heard from him once, and it was very short), my instinct tells me he's just doing damage control. Maybe he wants to be friends, maybe he really IS sincere. I may never know that for certain, but I think a sufficient number of red flags have been raised for me to let this one go. It does make me sad, though, because it seemed to me that we've always connected on an intellectual level. That's by far the most important thing to me. It's an instant turn-on in itself.
Author birdmadgirl Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 He began emailing me again a few hours ago with more flirtation and innuendo. I asked him again point-blank if he's just looking for a one-off sexual encounter, or if he would like something a little more substantial. He told me that it was definitely the latter. So, just to see how he'd respond, I made the suggestion that we get together for an in-person chat in a neutral setting after I leave work tonight (we're both actually off this evening; first time this has happened). I told him that although it's been fun emailing, I really thought we'd have a blast chatting in person just as we did years ago. My money was on receiving an excuse for why he couldn't. Instead, he has simply disappeared. Man, I'm good.
Recommended Posts