Ry01 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I started as a way to get things off my chest, vent about my divorce, and get advise from users who may have been in a situation similar to mine. This is going to be long, please bear with me. My husband (soon to be ex) and I were together for a total of 2 years; dating 2 and married 2. We have a rocky relationship towards the beginning but I thought things were working out, and improving. In September of '08 (one week before our 2 year anniversary) he comes to me and tells me he wants a divorce. I was devastated! (And still am...) We went through one month of marriage counseling and the last meeting he said "He did not want things to work out" Now, come to found out, through many searches, playing events out in my head, and an old friend who gave me conversations that my ex had online I find out that my ex had been having an emotional affair with his old HR manager for 6 months. In the conversations I was given my ex admitted to him and the other women falling in love, and wanting to "do things right and plan their life together." (she was also married, and they ALL worked in the same office...) So their plan was for her to leave her husband, and for my ex to leave me so they could be together. He did terrible, horrible, un-forgivable things with this women. He had SEX with her in my home, while I was living there and at work, he fell in love with her, he called me fat, making references to this other women saying "He could toss her around and she could do any position with her crushing him" (I'm not fat..) She is now living in MY house, I am still on the mortgage, she is on MY family plan (cell phone) it's crazy!! Fast forward to now...I am a mess. An emotional, truthfully suicidal mess. I hate this. It's not that I want to be back with him, I don't. I just have to much pain that I am unable to cope with. I also don't want him to be happy. He doesn't deserve to be happy. I feel so hurt, so abandoned, so humiliated, so used....its the worst thing I have ever been through. I cry each day, I try not to cry, but I do to the point of throwing up. It got so bad the other night I was *this* close to going to the hospital simply because I had been crying and I had no idea what to do, who to call, nothing. I was having an emotional breakdown and didn't have anyone to turn to. I'm not really sure where to go from here. Him and I speak, and as crazy as this sounds, my family has not been supportive through all of this, so he is really all I have. I know speaking to him is doing me no good, but I fear that if I stop then I will truly be alone. I keep waiting for the day when I won't care anymore, where I won't cry, but it's been 5 months and this hasn't happened yet. Does it ever get any better?
confused71 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hi there, Sorry to hear what you are going through.Your story is very similar to mine.All I can tell you is things will eventually get better but you will never fully get over what your husband has done. My wife cheated and lied to me,I too would never take her back now but I am still in a lot of emotional turmoil.I had a bad week this week due to her calling me and begging us to still be friends ( despite the fact she is planning on having a baby with OM who she has known only a few months) You are in for a bumpy ride but you have come to the right place for support.The guys on here helped me tremendously ( even though I ignored most of the advice lol) Try getting out and talking to friends and family and take up new hobbies to take your mind off things . Take care.
confused71 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hi everyone, I'm not really sure where to go from here. Him and I speak, and as crazy as this sounds, my family has not been supportive through all of this, so he is really all I have. I know speaking to him is doing me no good, but I fear that if I stop then I will truly be alone. I keep waiting for the day when I won't care anymore, where I won't cry, but it's been 5 months and this hasn't happened yet. Does it ever get any better? I know how you feel.I moved with my wife to canada so I have few people to talk to out here and my family are thousands of miles away. But I promise you,staying in contact with your husband will only lead to more misery. Most people on here will tell you No contact is the best way to heal.Whenever I break and speak to stbxw it puts me back to square one and back into an emotional wreck.
theROICoach Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 No one expects to be where we have been or where we are. No one expects to hear the person they've devoted their lives to look them dead in the eye and say "I don't love you anymore. I'm leaving." It's a blow in so many ways but what I've found, throughout this entire experience, is that there's a lesson in everything. Before I told my ex I wanted a divorce, I was miserable and unhappy in the marriage but I stayed because I didn't think I could do it on my own. I didn't think I could handle it. I was also afraid for my kids. I grew up in a divorced household and my #1 goal in life had not been to put my children through that. But, along the way, I've learned so much about love, forgiveness, compassion, and non-judgment. Your STBX is hurting you but he's also hurting himself and I'm not telling you that so you have sympathy for him. I'm telling you that because you need to protect your own feelings. The only thing hurting people can do is hurt people and, since he's hurting (he's cheating, lying, left you, he's hurting himself in many, many ways), the only thing maintaining contact with him can do is hurt you. Make a different choice. You are not alone. Part of my journey through divorce came in learning that even when it's just me, I'm not lonely. I forgot how great my own company was while I was married. Now, I crack me up! Even if you don't have your family's support, even if you don't have him, you have the only person you ever truly need and that's you. Part of this journey called divorce is learning that alone doesn't have to be lonely. The other key issue here is feeling suicidal. There are moments, on this journey, when you feel like your heart's been ripped out of your chest, like you're going to fall down and never get back up again. Remember that you are not alone in feeling like that. You're not the first to feel it and, unfortunately, you won't be the last. Know that you never get more than you can bear, that you will get through this and look for the opportunities in every single obstacle. Bottom line: love yourself enough, forgive yourself enough, and have compassion enough to release the resentment, anger, bitterness and hate because it hurts you more than it will ever hurt him. Let go and start making choices that are all about what you deserve and the love you have for yourself, not the love he's choosing not to give you. Be well...
Searching49 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Ry01, I'm sorry to see that you are hurting so much. I think only those of us that have gone through it can really understand the pain. Then only those who actually really loved the other person can really understand the utter despair... Our stories are very similar only I found out about her emotional and physical affair about one week before our 1 year anniversary. We are currently separated for about a month and a half and by the time we signed the papers, I wanted to sign them. We were together for 5 years prior to getting married. Tell me more about you and your life and your situation. I'd be glad to help out with any advice I can give. There IS life after this. I can say don't even think of suicide, because we both know that's a thought that is impossible to completely push out. But honestly, my thoughts quickly drifted back about how stupid that would be and how much I had to live for. Let the people on this site help you out. It's all anonymous so just let it all out. Everyone on here is great, and it was my daily lifeline for about three months.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Get a lawyer and focus on your future why are you paying for a mortgage when your not even living there. I'd say know your rights and sue him for everthing he gets. I dont care if he's hurting he's doing things obviously because he thinks he can, but i bet if a judge hands his ass back to him financially he'll think twice about doing what he did. But in the end you have to care for yourself. He's not the man you married, the man you married would have never did this. I implore you go NC if you dont have any kids. Expose the affair to our friends and family and let the truth be known. Good luck to you.
Dirkus Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hang in there. It does get better but it might take a while. Go to counciling. It's a shame about your family. You have to reach out. People will help. You'll get help from strange sources and some people you thought you could rely on will disappear. Don't beat yourself up and think about what ifs. He can't be your confidante. It only makes you more vulnerable. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to mourn. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to feel humiliated. It will all go away and one day you'll think "I gave my heart to that bag of scum." Go to a doctor. You could slip into clinical depression. You have to sort out the financial elements. The less you have to do with him the faster you'll move on. You need a lawyer preferably a pittbull. If he's in the house he has to buy you out. Define your boundaries and don't compromise them. Don't let him take advantage of you all over again. Expand your social network. Take Yoga, join a gym, take martial arts, run marathons; do something that requires long term mental and physical discipline. Don't fret about whether he's happy, the faster you move forward the quicker the agony will go away.
hope123 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I am sorry to hear of your pain and I wish you well. There you were, a few months ago, cruising along in an airplane, at high altitude, thinking all was pretty well in your life and now you have been thrown out of the airplane, hurtled to the ground and are now lying injured in hostile territory. Your husband was the one at the plane door giving you a boot on your backside with his OW looking out of the plane window. Now you are lying on the ground, injured, feeling helpless and alone. As you say, you are in a real mess. Take hope, you survived the accident, badly injured, but alive. Just. How long are you going to lie there Ry01? Yep, I'm afraid there's only one way out of this and it doesn't include doing anything you feel like at this moment. You and I both know that no-one is going to rescue you except you. You have to lift your head up and explore your immediate surroundings. Crawl away from the scene of the accident. In pain, but taking the right actions. You posted on this forum. That was the first exploratory step! Now you need to get moving. Do not underestimate your ability to survive and, much much later, to thrive. I am going to give you some survival suggestions now, so listen up! TWO STRATEGIES. First, do what your mind and body NEEDS right now. Not what you want, what you need. For an hour a day, go into a disciplined survival mode. Make an effort to do sport - dance round your living room to some favourite music for 15 minutes or do some stretching. Your body needs some help to make some feelgood hormones! No need to use a gym, just do it a home. But do it every day. If you are overdoing coffee, alcohol etc, then stop right now. Make some tiny changes in other areas of your life. I don't know your personal circumstances (children, friends, work), but create a little joy for others. Surprise people: take cookies to work, give someone flowers from your garden...you know best what you can offer. Doing these actions will seem stupid and not fun at first (you will even cry at how pointless it all seems), but it is this series of small, repetitive steps (that seem silly and a waste of time) that will make you feel physically and emotionally empowered; because you need to make yourself strong enough to tackle the harder stuff. Give it a couple of weeks, and you will see that this works. Second strategy. You need to deal with the tough stuff...to take bold action for your relationship/divorce. Make goals, then a plan of action. This is for the long-term. See a lawyer. Follow other Loveshack posters advice in this area. My main message: Get strong in the short term to be effective in the long term! Small repetitive steps will empower you to carry out the big actions on the divorce/relationship side. You desperately want to feel happier now but your circumstances need you to feel stronger. Ry01, please don't mix up the two strategies! don't do little ineffective or counter-productive steps on the divorce side and then waste your valuable energy making big moves trying to feel emotionally better. Forget the 'feeling better' for the moment. Survival is serious stuff! So when your ex comes circling his airplane back over you, to see if you have really gone, you are well-protected, hidden under a bush and planning your next clever move. NC is really best. let him go as far away as possible cruising in his plane...until he becomes a tiny dot on your horizon. Don't worry, he'll run out of fuel at some point, and hopefully far, far away from you.
pelicanpreacher Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hi there, Sorry to hear what you are going through.Your story is very similar to mine.All I can tell you is things will eventually get better but you will never fully get over what your husband has done. My wife cheated and lied to me,I too would never take her back now but I am still in a lot of emotional turmoil.I had a bad week this week due to her calling me and begging us to still be friends ( despite the fact she is planning on having a baby with OM who she has known only a few months) You are in for a bumpy ride but you have come to the right place for support.The guys on here helped me tremendously ( even though I ignored most of the advice lol) Try getting out and talking to friends and family and take up new hobbies to take your mind off things . Take care. Hey Confused it's good to hear from you again! You should resume your thread and update us on what's been going on and how you've been doing!
pelicanpreacher Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hope, you need to seek counselling. Depression is often rage turned inward and this feeling has gotten so bad that its affecting your life and ability to cope. LS is a great place to vent those feelings but to truly work them out of your system you will need professional guidance, hence the advice for counselling. Though its true that time heals all wounds its also true that the ravages of time can often abuse left unto itself leaving restoration unused!
Summerbrewster Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 At least he had the decency to get out. My husband did this stuff and is now crying and begging me to not leave him. Now I am living a 'bipolar' nightmare trying to rebuild a dead marriage. It's very hard and I wish he would just leave, but he refuses demanding that he really loves me. He's doing this for HIM which is so selfish. I don't really have much valuable input in your case other than if your name is still on the mortgage.... maybe you should take out an equity loan against it and see how he reacts!
mendsley Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Ry01, I am very sorry to hear what you have to deal with, I cannot imagine. My wife had an EA on me but it was not to this extreme. I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain, but the reality is the thousands of us who have been crushed by our loved one realizes that time is the only thing that can heal your wounds. While time is taking it's course you need to do things for YOU, he does not give a $hit about YOU. YOU are the only person that has the ability to control your mind. You should go to the gym, eat healthier, do things with friends (but DO NOT drink), and spend time with family. I know about the pain and these are the things that mak me feel better, you have to understand that you are addicted to him right now and being in contact with him will only temp. feed the fix but in the long run what he has done is extremely wrong and if he does not do what ever it takes to win your love and trust back than it would be time for you to move on. Good luck I just want to add, I really like hope123's outlook on this. Just don't sit there and do nothing force yourself to be in a emotionally safe enviroment. MIKE
Author Ry01 Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Thanks for the great advice everyone, and just listening. Even though this site is anonymous it still helps to talk. Let me tell you a little bit about my situation, it might give you a better understand (or make me seems a little more nuts...lol) We currently have made our own financial agreement in lue of spousal support through court. Truth be told, I could get more from the court (even though AZ is a no fault divorce state) but really I just want a few things taken care of and that is it. I did consult with an attorney before everything was signed (ex doesn't know this) I wanted to make sure I had someone "squared away" if anything did go wrong. As far as the house goes, I am still on the mortgage, but am not paying anything towards the house. I am agreeing to remove my name when he refinances our house. I am pushing him to do it sooner - but he doesn't want to pay the money right now. To that I say, you want your OW living in the house - take my name off it. I don't want to be contacted in 5 years when you're selling the house to upgrade because your OW is pregnant and you need a nursery... He now calls me his best friend. We talk, all day - everyday. Literally, we text / email all day long. I have taken up hiking as a new hobby and go every weekend. He texts / calls, to make sure I made it off the mountain ok...It's so strange!! He also continues to buy me gifts, which I find strange too. Although I appreciate his gifts, I'm not sure why he would spend $300 on a gift for his ex wife, then tell me to not tell anyone...and I know the OW doesn't know about this.... Has anyone else experienced this? I'm so confused. I feel like picking up and moving to a state where I dont know anyone.
mendsley Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 He now calls me his best friend. We talk, all day - everyday. Literally, we text / email all day long. I have taken up hiking as a new hobby and go every weekend. He texts / calls, to make sure I made it off the mountain ok...It's so strange!! He also continues to buy me gifts, which I find strange too. Although I appreciate his gifts, I'm not sure why he would spend $300 on a gift for his ex wife, then tell me to not tell anyone...and I know the OW doesn't know about this.... Has anyone else experienced this? I'm so confused. I feel like picking up and moving to a state where I dont know anyone. I can tell you what he is doing!!! He is keeping YOU in his back pocket!! What I mean by that is he is going thru the "FUN" stage of a relationship, as you and him did at one time. He know you are still around and he has nothing to worry about if things with this OW go south, cause you are right there to catch his fall then tend to his wounds. He knows you are a good woman and he wants the best of both worlds, he wants you cause he knows you and knows you will work if the other does'nt. With the other woman he likes the excitement, new and different sex, and the overall high you get knowing and loving another person. If you really step back and look at this from the outside in you will see, YOU are enabling him to have the both of you. Maybe not in the same house, or the way it used to be but, he could be back with you at any time. Maybe be a little aloof with him and make him start to think you are going on with your life without him and see how reacts??
Author Ry01 Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Maybe be a little aloof with him and make him start to think you are going on with your life without him and see how reacts?? I agree that I am enabling to have us both - but we would never become a couple again. I dated someone we both new for a couple months (and fully admit it was WAY too soon after splitting with my ex but we are no longer together) but, my ex did not care. He is very upset with the person I dated after our split name calling, etc. But he never seemed to truly care that I was with someone else, now he is encouraging me to sign up to match.com. I just don't get it. Why say you want a divorce then talk to me everyday all day? It's almost as if he and I "date" during work hours, then I go home to my place, and he goes home to her...it's so strange.
mendsley Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I agree that is strange, I bet is really hard for you to understand what to do. The bottom line is what do you want to do?? Do you want this confusion in your life?? I would suggest give yourself some time without him, it would be hard and very tempting to call him, but I feel you need some time to gather your thoughts and decypher the reality of this friendship/relationship you have with him. For me, my wife and I still talk very nice, we don't bad mouth each other but since she left me I can see a huge difference from my thought process during the last 5.5 months of this ordeal. At first I would do what ever it took to be with her again, even after she was in love with another man. After a few months I changed a little and told myself well if we get back together we need to do alot of work for the both of us in order to make it work. Now I am really thinking maybe she is not the one for me, I reflect back on our relationship and what she has done to me, and I ask myself "am I this pathetic, where I feel she is the only one in the world that can make me happy?" So take about a month, more would be better, with No Contact with him and see what happens. Who knows it may be the time you need to get your head on straight. MIKE
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