johan Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You and I agree then, he should leave her so she can find someone who loves her for who she is, no matter what size that is. Could you really practice what you preach? Regardless of what it does to how a person looks, unhealthy habits can be a major turnoff. Particularly for a partner who has healthy habits. So what could a guy change about himself that would turn you off? Start smoking? Drinking? Go permanently unemployed? Get fat and out of shape? You have lines in the sand, too. Everyone does. This guy isn't threatening to leave his girl. He just wants her to share these values that he considers very important. If she can't, then maybe they really aren't a good match. He's not as willing as you to leap to that conclusion.
johan Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Actaully physical appearance has never been that big a deal for me. Mr. Messy put on about 70lbs. while were married. Looked like his delivery date was any minute, so what the man I thought I married was what I saw. His gray balding hair didn't turn me off. When I left the gym every night where the buff guys hung out, I looked forward to coming home to him. It wasn't his looks, it was what I thought was in his heart. Guess I was wrong. My line was adultery. Well, you should be applauded for your depth and commitment. But I'm sure you have some "superficial" lines drawn somewhere. And even if you don't, then you have to realize that it's not reasonable to expect sainthood out of others, even if you've achieved it yourself.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Sounds to me like #1 has issues with what others think 1st and foremost but to be PC hes tying to hide it behind the "health" issues mask that people use when they don't want to look like vain jerks especially when it comes to weight issues! Look people change even more so as they get older dose her current look affect YOU that much? if the answer is yes then I suggest you break it off and find some one more into there looks like you and your friends that way the probs solved. Cause you cant change people to suit yourself it almost never works all you will achieve is making her miserable and the fact you called her lazy tells me you have fleeting respect for her in IMO this relationship is going no wheres fast..
desertmoon Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 No, the OP was not threatening to leave his fiancee, he said he loves her. Men are not really that complicated I was told(?) so when they say, "your gaining weight bothers me"...that is most likely what they mean... BNB, your exH(?) gaining weight and balding came with age-i take it? so they are semi expected. Plus your relationship has taken deeper roots already--there were other things that validated your feelings for him. The OP and his finacee are young people....already they are not communicating well...she is eating and gaining weight like she doesn;t care how she looks (maybe she does, but who knows?)and he is worried as heck but do not know how to tell her precisely because he loves her and does not want to hurt her.
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 OP, I'm confused. So, your fiancée hasn't ever been a small woman. Now that you've gotten healthy, you want her to do the same. What aspect of this isn't about control? It's like two smokers getting married. One decides to quit and then starts harrassing their spouse to do so. Get out of this relationship and find someone who has the same superficial requirements as you do. Just be careful if you for some reason, start to gain weight or lose your hair, potentially from medication, depression, stress, whatever. You might find she'll also look elsewhere for someone who will meets her needs, in the future.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 OP, Get out of this relationship and find someone who has the same superficial requirements as you do. Just be careful if you for some reason, start to gain weight or lose your hair, potentially from medication, depression, stress, whatever. You might find she'll also look elsewhere for someone who will meets her needs, in the future. Excellent point TBF!
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Excellent point TBF! Thanks. The following comments are blatantly superficial and conflicting. If he wanted someone who was "healthy", he should have chose someone like that in the first place. This has nothing to do with health and everything to do with looks. I have zero sympathy for someone who's been together with someone for six years and due to his own lifestyle change, decides that she's not good enough for him. That's not love. She deserves someone who will love her for her, starting from the inside...out. Forgive me for being brutally honest, but no one wants a slob representing them because she is a representation on me. It's not about what my friends think, it's what i think.
Els Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Forgive me for being brutally honest, but no one wants a slob representing them because she is a representation on me. It's not about what my friends think, it's what i think. Contrary to what many believe, just because you're a size 10 or 12 does not mean you still cannot look good. For example, we all know Jennifer Hudson will never be like Beyonce, but that doesn't mean she's not as beautiful at a healthy weight that works for her size. Also, get clothes that compliment your figure big or small. If you have huge arms, don't buy clothes that show that part off. It's obvious here that the OP's major concern is not his gf's health, but rather her looks and the image that they project upon him. I'm not saying that's a cardinal sin. If looks is important to him, then well, that's his call. Why try to dance around it and sweep it under the guise of other things?
greystone08 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 LOL at some of you who say Beyonce is a big woman!!! Do you guys even know who that woman is??? Everybody knows she is not a big girl but Jennifer Hudson is.
manugeorge Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 LOL at some of you who say Beyonce is a big woman!!! Do you guys even know who that woman is??? Everybody knows she is not a big girl but Jennifer Hudson is. let's just say she has some very healthy baby popping thighs:D
reddog63 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Oh dude, if she's porking up BEFORE the wedding at the age of 24, she's really gonna blossom by the time she hits 30 and has a few kids. Unless you can cultivate a fatty fetish I would jump ship now. She probably can't change or she would be thin for the wedding at least. Thanks for the laugh.....haha........ Of course, this is most likely the outcome........laughs aside....
Author fetish Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Again, thank you all for your replies, especially to those who half way understand what i'm trying to say. I do admit that my concern for her weight is a little bit of both. I want her to be healthy but seriously, what's wrong with wanting your S/O to look healthy? Like i said, she's always going to be the size she is, but she can be healthy at her size. She did it during our 1st year during our l/d relationship. I know some of you have your opinions but that doesn't change how i feel. During our first year of our relaitionship, she had been going to the gym, eating healthy, and had been looking very foxy. Although she was never a small skinny size 2-5, she was looking pretty hot. But that was during the time we had the long distance relaitionship going on. It seems like 4-5 months after we quit the l/d, she let it go and quit caring. I've seen her do it before so its not like she's not capable. I know i said i'm open to all suggestions but some people on here are being a little too sensitive. Some are acting as if weight is all i care about to where i should just dump her and move on. There are other things I love about her that count too. Even if i got a skinny girl, i'm sure they'd have their set of problems as well. I didn't ask for advice on how to give up on my fiance, i asked for advice on helping me improve these issues. And for the record, i didn't just decide to get in shape, i've always been a gym rat and always maintained my health. For a while though i fell off the wagon and quit going. I developed high blood pressure and cholesterol but that all ceased when i got my but back off the couch and back into action. BTW: To anyone who thinks Beyonce is big better take off the blinders. She's capable but she works very hard jogging 4 miles a day. Anyways thanks everyone and keep em' coming.
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 And for the record, i didn't just decide to get in shape, i've always been a gym rat and always maintained my health. For a while though i fell off the wagon and quit going. I developed high blood pressure and cholesterol but that all ceased when i got my but back off the couch and back into action. So, did your g/f give you hell about getting out of shape at the time?
Author fetish Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 So, did your g/f give you hell about getting out of shape at the time? No because i had joined her camp. She's not big on working out but when she gains weight, she'll start complaining about her size. She always says she wants a tummy tuck. I don't believe in surgery. It's dangerous and expensive. Just being healthier will go a long way.
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 No because i had joined her camp. She's not big on working out but when she gains weight, she'll start complaining about her size. She always says she wants a tummy tuck. I don't believe in surgery. It's dangerous and expensive. Just being healthier will go a long way. It appears she accepts you for what you are, fit or not. Funny that...huh? Leave her. Let her find someone who deserves her.
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 It appears she accepts you for what you are, fit or not. Funny that...huh? Leave her. Let her find someone who deserves her. or mabye its a case of people who live in houses made of glass don't throw rocks, who knows.. TO THE OP you can't change her this is who she is you either lover her and her fat ways or you should leave those are really the only two viable options. If she does change and become healthy again it will only happen because she decided it, its a way of life not something u can just make her or ask her to do
Author fetish Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 or mabye its a case of people who live in houses made of glass don't throw rocks, who knows.. TO THE OP you can't change her this is who she is you either lover her and her fat ways or you should leave those are really the only two viable options. If she does change and become healthy again it will only happen because she decided it, its a way of life not something u can just make her or ask her to do i didn't mean to offend anyone. I shouldve been more sensitive because some people do struggle with their weight and they probably on this board. I didn't mean to imply that fat or overweight people are lazy and trifling. I just know my girlfriend.
Lizzie60 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Humm.. methink this relationship won't work.. sorry but it just won't. You have a preference for a fit, average woman.. you don't like fat women.. and that's OK.. we all have our preference.. but in this case.. if she gave up on her appearance BEFORE the wedding.. methink she will become 'huge' once she's comfortable in the marriage.. after giving birth... etc.. You think she's lazy.. and you're not even married, with children yet.. ouch... you might have more than you wish for.. If I were you.. I would move on right now.. unless, of course, you end up, like most MM, having an affair on the side.. because you're no longer sexually attracted to your W.. I doubt you will ever change her.. it will only get worst.. if she can't lose weight and look after herself... BEFORE.. she most probably won't do it AFTER... sorry dude..
in_absentia Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I don't know about her, but I'm female and if my weight ever got to a point where I just didn't look good anymore, or my bf wasn't as attracted to me because i'd gained that much, I'd expect and hope that he would say something to me, as I would to him. I'd probably say something like I love you and nothing physical will affect that fact, but I'm sure you've noticed too that you've gained a bit of weight lately. Are you happy with that? If he genuinely was, and I was still attracted to him (and it wasn't unhealthy/overweight) then I'd probably say well okay, cool. But chances are he'd be unhappy with it and want to do something about it. Maybe your fiancee does? That's when you can be a supportive bf, helping her with healthy eating and the gym etc. I don't get the impression you want her to be a size 0, just that you don't want her to keep expanding or be overweight. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to retain your attraction to your partner! Just be sensitive.
Author fetish Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 I don't know about her, but I'm female and if my weight ever got to a point where I just didn't look good anymore, or my bf wasn't as attracted to me because i'd gained that much, I'd expect and hope that he would say something to me, as I would to him. I'd probably say something like I love you and nothing physical will affect that fact, but I'm sure you've noticed too that you've gained a bit of weight lately. Are you happy with that? If he genuinely was, and I was still attracted to him (and it wasn't unhealthy/overweight) then I'd probably say well okay, cool. But chances are he'd be unhappy with it and want to do something about it. Maybe your fiancee does? That's when you can be a supportive bf, helping her with healthy eating and the gym etc. I don't get the impression you want her to be a size 0, just that you don't want her to keep expanding or be overweight. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to retain your attraction to your partner! Just be sensitive. Thank you very much for your helpful information. I have or never had any intention of leaving her because of her weight gain. She's still a very attractive woman either way. It's just that we're both in our 20s and should try to be as active as we can as long as we can. I even suggested we take art classes together, so i am pretty supportive. She always tells me couldn't ask for a better man. So i say that to say, i'm not the monster some people on here think i am. I still am not going to hold judgement against anyone for their opinion of me though. She mentioned that it scarred her to death that her best friend's mom died at such a young age from weight and wants to do something about to prevent it.
in_absentia Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You're welcome. I honestly don't blame you for wanting your gf to be fit and healthy, you can't help what you're attracted to and if you love someone you want the best for them. It's fantastic that you're being so supportive, and seem to have a realistic idea of what size is healthy in a female, it bugs me how many people are acting like you're a pig when you've said that she's attractive, you love her and have made it clear that you'd support her, it's not like you're a fat guy sat on your ass saying baby, you're not good enough for me until you have blonde hair, fake boobs and are a size 2. That's all just my opinion though, I hear that loads of females get over sensitive about their weight, I can't really empathise because I've never been overweight (lucky genes ) When you've spoken to her before about being active and doing stuff together, what has her response been? Will she even try doing sports with you? I can kinda understand how hard it would be to have someone you love tell you that you're not as attractive due to weight gain. But I think that discomfort is preferable to a lifetime of living a lie!
lkjh Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Dude, what you are feeling is perfectly natural. Just tell her and be nice about it. Don't let a few people make you feel like you are doing something wrong and you should leave her. I bet they will be singing a different tune when there SO decides to leave them for a better looking person.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 My concern though is, your embarressment of her..Can you expand on that? You've said you feel embarressed being with her around your friends. Are you scared your friends will think less of you? Or judge you for having a girlfriend who's slighly overweight?
Author fetish Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 My concern though is, your embarressment of her..Can you expand on that? You've said you feel embarressed being with her around your friends. Are you scared your friends will think less of you? Or judge you for having a girlfriend who's slighly overweight? I guess what i should've said that if she continues to go down the road, i would feel uncomfortable but as of now, i take her around my friends all the time and introduce her as my fiance. Yes, i'm sorry but if i had a girlfriend that ended up looking like this woman in the pic in the link posted below, yes it would def make me uncomfortable to been seen in public to the point i would bail (if she didn't try to adjust her lifestyle). That is because of my own thoughts, not necessarily what my friends think. Now i realize people will get upset by this but i'm sorry, i'm just being honest on this board and myself. My fiance is nowhere near that big. http://ohiobbwexpo.com/photogallery/photo00027256/Ohio%20BBW%20Expo%20Saturday%20July%2016%202006%20053.jpg
lonelygurl Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Did you address the fact that you call her lazy and trifling along with your concern for health, because she is a representation of you. Even though weight increases those diseases(considerably)it isn't a forgone conclusion that she will develop any of these. Family history also plays a huge part in it. I am a size 6, 40+ years old, work out 5 days a week and eat very healthy. I have high blood pressure and show signs of diabetes, why? My family history is riddled with these issues as well as depression, heart attacks and cancer. You presentation now of your concern for her health never appeared in your original post. Only her appearance and what your friends would think. If health is indeed the issue, make a Dr's appointment for both of you and really get checked out instead of assuming that her weight gain is because she is lazy and trifling. She could have hormonal problems, thyroid issues or even depression. I like what you say.........and may I add..... or she could be like me with severe depression and anxiety and two of the drugs they put me on pack on the pounds. Doesn't matter how much or how little you eat or how much you exercise the weight goes on. Over 70 pounds to be exact. How do you think it makes women like me feel who have always been small to gain so much weight, and can't afford to be off these meds at this time. My X's cousin also gained over 100 pounds on meds she has to take the rest of her life in order to live from serious surgery. You can't always judge a book by it's cover when you see someone overweight and label them as fat, lazy slobs.
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