fetish Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I'm sorry to sound like a jerk, but I kind of have a problem. Maybe the problem is with me but my fiance's been gaining weight and its starting to bother me. I kind of am embarassed to take her around friends. She was never really a small girl, but she's not watching her weight the way I feel she should. I'm not asking her to become a size 5 or change her but she can still look "healthy" at the weight she is. I've been eating healthy and eating vegetables to try to get the flat abs and small wasteline. I hit the gym at least 4x a week and I'm looking pretty good i must say. But at the same time, my fiance's tummy and wasteline is expanding. I know she's been eating fastfood everyday because she's too lazy to cook and pack a lunch. I thought by my setting a good example, she'd follow suit but she still believes in fast food. I really need help. I love her. We've been together for 6 years and are set to get married at the end of 2010. I try to focus on my health and fitness and i feel she should too. She's only 24 and she kind of looks pregnant. Of course i would never tell her that but any suggestions on how i could tell her without actually telling her? I mean, we're not married yet and i feel this could develop to be a problem if she drops the ball and stops caring. I'm open to all suggestions.
lkjh Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I have no idea, its like a sin to tell girls they are gaining weight. You can try getting her involved in some sport with yourself under the guise of wanting to spend time with her. Like asking her if she will train with you to run a 5K or something.
Habibti Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 What's the most concerning here, is you're not at all worried about her health. You're more concerned that she looks like a hot babe your friends would want to pork, excuse my bluntness but let's not bull****, yeah? Let me make myself clear, I don't even think it's bad that you want her to look good for you. But, in reality when you really love someone at some point it doesn't matter because you get so used to the looks aspect it's the other things that keep your interest. That said, I see some major incompatibilities and I don't think you're really ready to marry this girl. You can go to the gym 9 times a week, she still may love fast food and she may always be too lazy to cook. She may enjoy being "fat and happy" while you like to be lean and toned and munch on your cracklin oat bran. Could you marry her still if that's how it was? I think the answer is no, and if it is..these small things will grate on your relationship and overtime cause some very harmful erosion. You seem to have an idea of the potential this girl could hold and you're okay with marrying her if she lives up to that- but in reality she may love big macs and sitting on the couch. If she's that way, she just is and you're not going to change it.
manugeorge Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 If it's a matter of you not being attracted to someone who is overweight and doesn't take care of themselves physically, then I think that is a legitimate issue and you shouldn't have to force that attraction in the name of love. We love what we like, and while love should be understanding of human frailty, it should never be a blanket that automatically covers bad behavior. If on the other hand, you just want a skinny arm candy that you can show off to your friends, then I'll say you are seriously misguided. This is a delicate matter that you do have to talk about with her, if you want to marry someone, you have to be able to discuss uncomfortable and sensitive topics like this.
Geishawhelk Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Well, as a woman, I can see fetish's point. You fall in love with someone - the whole deal, the complete package. You decide, that you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, and you have hopes, dreams and plans.... And then, whilst you're busy taking care of you, watching your health, weight and appearance - your SO is quietly going the opposite way, vegging out and looking a little lardy - and doesn't care. It's a bit disrespectful, it's taking the other person's affection and staying power, for granted. I'm 52, heading for the menopause, and i have a partner who's 5 years younger. Inspite of what nature seems to have in store for my frame, I'm determined to take care of myself, take good exercise, look after myself, stay well-groomed and make the effort. As much for my partner as for myself. I deserve the best of me, and so does he..... fetish, is there a problem with depression of any kind? What shape, genetically, is her mother, or her parents? Is there an illness or condition that runs in her family she might be guarded about, or should consider? I think you may need to gently approach her about this, from a caring and concerned point of view. Somehow, the fact that you are troubled by this, needs to come out, but you need to be sensitive, and take any of the factors I've mentioned, into account. I do see your point, it's not going to be an easy one to tackle, but I think your PoV is a valid one......
sb129 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hmmm. I can understand both sides here. I am surprised she isn't making more of an effort as she is going to be a bride, and when I got married I was concerned about fitting into my wedding dress so I lost a few kg. I managed to keep them off until I got pregnant (and that is a whole nother kettle of fish!) Maybe the wedding is still too far away? You could definitely use that as a focus point, like say you are getting in shape for the wedding etc, and encourage her to do the same.
Author fetish Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Thanks for all your replies. Like i said manugeorge, i do not want a skinny arm girl who's a size 5 just to show off to my friends. I think its important to maintain good health and a healthy wait. Forgive me for being brutally honest, but no one wants a slob representing them because she is a representation on me. It's not about what my friends think, it's what i think. Contrary to what many believe, just because you're a size 10 or 12 does not mean you still cannot look good. For example, we all know Jennifer Hudson will never be like Beyonce, but that doesn't mean she's not as beautiful at a healthy weight that works for her size. Also, get clothes that compliment your figure big or small. If you have huge arms, don't buy clothes that show that part off. I didn't want to come off on here like its just weight i'm interested in. Although I think that if you're going to love someone, yes love them for who they are but at the same time, that doesn't excuse them being lazy and trifling. She is always saying how much she wants to lose weight, but she's inconsistent when she starts a diet and a workout program. She'll start, then stop which never gets her anywhere. She doesn't like for me to give her suggestions on how to keep her momentum so i just stopped mentioning it. I'm much more patient with someone who's overweight and at least "trying" to do something about it. But when you're overweight, complain about being overweight, don't change your habits, and doing nothing about it, it frustrates me to no end.
Author fetish Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 This one bolded statement spoke volumes for me. She only represents herself. You didn't give birth to her, raise her or give her permission to breathe. She and her lifestyle choices are all she represents. You called lazy and trifling. This doesn't speak well for success in marriage. You may need to rethink being married to this person. You have some issues that are only going to get worse and make her life hell. And for the record. Jennifer and Beyonce aren't that far from the same size, they just have different body shapes. One is a pear, one is an apple. If you are tired of her complaining and not doing anything, then tell her not to speak with you about until she takes some action. I would also like to ask, why you would assume a 10/ 12 is a big size. It isn't . The average size for women in the US is a 14. Live with it or move. The problem is, you're only focusing on one little point. I also said that you can still be attractive at a size 10, 12, or 14 as long as you're healthy. I'm not a jerk and i treat this girl like royalty. I respectfully disagree with your saying your SO doesn't represent you. We all represent eachother. Just like she doesn't like me to walk out of the house with wrinkled, dirty clothes on. If i ever do that, she'll say, "Its not good to do that because you're a representation on me". And your right, i admit i probably do have some issues. But at least my issue can decrease the chances of diabetes, stroke, heart attack, and high blood pressure. Her best friend's mom just died a month or 2 ago from obesity. 44 YEARS OLD!!! So i guess you can call one of my issues a healthy issue. jk
allina Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I'm not sure where you're from but most areas have charity races on a pretty regular basis. They're benefits for a variety of causes, breast cancer research, heart disease etc. They range from 5k walks to competitive marathons, there is something there for everyone, they're for a great cause and they're so much fun. Since you have already been working out I suggest signing up for one. You can find a race that helps with research for heart disease or something related to your mother's illness. Tell your fiance that you love her and that you would be thrilled if she did the race with you. Tell her that your mother's death made you realize how important health and fitness are. Start small, something like a 5k. Training for it together can be a great experience for a couple, plus it will get her moving and motivated. Once she sees the importance of health and fitness she'll be eager to make some lifestyle changes.
fral945 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I didn't want to come off on here like its just weight i'm interested in. Although I think that if you're going to love someone, yes love them for who they are but at the same time, that doesn't excuse them being lazy and trifling. She is always saying how much she wants to lose weight, but she's inconsistent when she starts a diet and a workout program. She'll start, then stop which never gets her anywhere. She doesn't like for me to give her suggestions on how to keep her momentum so i just stopped mentioning it. I'm much more patient with someone who's overweight and at least "trying" to do something about it. But when you're overweight, complain about being overweight, don't change your habits, and doing nothing about it, it frustrates me to no end. I feel your frustration. This is a major point of contention in almost every relationship I have had recently. I have never had any luck changing the attitudes of the woman I was dating, as they just have a completely different outlook on life. That is now one of the first areas of compatibility that I look for. Healthy living is a major part of lifestyle and if you're both not on board it's likely only going to escalate as a point of contention. I think every man's nightmare is to be the skinny guy married to a 300 lb. behemoth. My only advice is to find a third party she might listen to (friends, family, etc). I also think it needs to be something that she does for herself, because people are way more likely to make a change and stick to it if they have selfish motivations. If she does it for you it is likely to be a short lived change. I agree with the others in avoiding the direct approach, but I will say if nothing else works and you know this will be a dealbreaker and decide to walk away, don't lie if she asks you why you are leaving. Tell her the truth and don't sugarcoat it for fear you will be chastised as being shallow, only concerned about looks, etc. Being in love is no excuse to gain weight and get content, especially when you are doing your part.
desertmoon Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I have no idea, its like a sin to tell girls they are gaining weight. You can try getting her involved in some sport with yourself under the guise of wanting to spend time with her. Like asking her if she will train with you to run a 5K or something. !!! too funny. Sorry. OP, I dont think there is any other way to tell her but the truth straight. You have to sit her down and tell her LOVINGLY that you are concerned she is gaining weight. Ask her these questions like these: Is the upcoming wedding making her nervous? what is bothering her? maybe she needs to see a doctor? run some tests? etc.etc. Assure her that you love her and that you will support/help her and mean it! BTW, Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson are both big women....one fatter than the other. They are both beautiful, though and certainly do not look gross. Size 12 and 14 are big....of course it depends on your height.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Join a gym and take her there with you. Start going on hikes and walks together. Be proactive and let her know that you're concerned about her eating too much fastfood. Take a cooking course together, that would be fun and you'll both learn how to cook good meals, so when it comes to meals she can pack a lunch instead of spending the $$ and her body will thank her for it later.. Talk to her, be honest and loving.
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 BTW, Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson are both big women....one fatter than the other. They are both beautiful, though and certainly do not look gross. Size 12 and 14 are big.... I so agree that both Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson are both big women one fatter then the other. First off your gf was never a small women and what I'm going to say may piss some people off but this is what big people usualy do... if a girl is big when she is twenty she is just going to be bigger and fatter by the time she is 24. If she continues this way the best you can hope for is that she remains relativly mobile. There is really nothing you can do, telling her she looks fat and really needs to change the way she lives her life won't work. If you leave her it may be the kick in the pants she needs to change. Why the far off wedding date seems like a really long engagement depending on when you got engaged?
Jennifer26 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I wouldn't go through with the wedding until you feel completely satisfied with this situation. And yes, I would tell your fiance this is bothering you and I wouldn't even try to sugarcoat it to spare her feelings. Not because I think she deserves to be hurt, but because I think it is far more compassionate and fair to her that she knows how you feel before entering into marriage with you. She can then decide if she wants to marry you, knowing that this is something important to you. Or break things off and find someone who doesn't find this to be an issue. And if she does get in better shape, and decides to marry you and 10 years down the road she has completely let herself go and is 250lbs with type 2 diabetes and you're ready to throw in the towel - I would feel a lot more sympathy for your situation over the men who never say anything, and secretly wish they hadn't married this woman and look for a way out without ever once expressing any of their feelings to their wives.
clv0116 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Oh dude, if she's porking up BEFORE the wedding at the age of 24, she's really gonna blossom by the time she hits 30 and has a few kids. Unless you can cultivate a fatty fetish I would jump ship now. She probably can't change or she would be thin for the wedding at least.
sb129 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Oh dude, if she's porking up BEFORE the wedding at the age of 24, she's really gonna blossom by the time she hits 30 and has a few kids. Unless you can cultivate a fatty fetish I would jump ship now. She probably can't change or she would be thin for the wedding at least. I totally disagree with this statement. I am 31 and am at least 5-6kg lighter than I was when I was 24, and I am pregnant! Before I got pregnant I was probably 7-8kg lighter. When I was 24 I was a student, and I partied hard, drank alot and ate alot more junk than I do now. I have always exercised, but it wasn't until I left university and learned alot more about food and stopped drinking so much in the weekends that I lost some weight. I appreciate good food much more than I did then.
lkjh Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Whats with all of the people making the poster out to be a bad person just because he wants his fiance to take care of herself. Is it really that wrong to ask your SO to be healthy and presentable. What would happen if he dumped her because she was fat? Women would crucify him. This goes for both men and women. Everyone has the right to ask there SO to take care of themselves.
johan Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Tell your fiance that you love her and that you would be thrilled if she did the race with you. Tell her that your mother's death made you realize how important health and fitness are. Start small, something like a 5k. Training for it together can be a great experience for a couple, plus it will get her moving and motivated. Once she sees the importance of health and fitness she'll be eager to make some lifestyle changes. Is that what got you to slim down, Allina? I think it's difficult to take when the appearance of your sweetheart takes a turn for the worse. For selfish shallow reasons, and for selfish not-so-shallow reasons, and for legitimate concerns for them. It's all mixed together. I wouldn't tolerate this well, personally. It depends on the reasons, of course. But I would be thinking, "great, now I can look forward to the next few decades forcing myself to be attracted to you, followed by a decade of watching your health fail, followed by another couple of decades rebuilding my life by myself. You can go commit a slow suicide somewhere else."
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 If it is truly about her health, which he only mentioned after he talked about how his friends would view him and after he called her lazy and trifling(troubling in itself). He should make an appointment with a Dr for both of them. He should get the facts about her health and his health from a professional. Of course its about her health in his eyes she looks fat and he thinks its sexy when people look healthy. He's just putting his thoughts down and in his eyes she is being lazy she just doesn't care shes eating fast food because its easy and not doing anything about the situation. Who cares what a health professional say he can clearly see she's let herself go its not one of those things you need a dr. to tell you this guy obviously isn't obsessed with skinny girls and I think you should lay off him if he doesn't find its sexy and attractive when some one is obviously unhealthy.
clv0116 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I totally disagree with this statement. I am 31 and am at least 5-6kg lighter than I was when I was 24, and I am pregnant! Before I got pregnant I was probably 7-8kg lighter. Did you gain weight for your wedding day?
Citizen Erased Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I doubt anything the OP says to her will have any other result but making their relationship miserable. She has to want this for herself, I doubt "I'd better lose this weight so he'll marry me" will be much of a motivator in the long run.
desertmoon Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Oh dude, if she's porking up BEFORE the wedding at the age of 24, she's really gonna blossom by the time she hits 30 and has a few kids. Unless you can cultivate a fatty fetish I would jump ship now. She probably can't change or she would be thin for the wedding at least. "BLOSSOM"???? like a beautiful flower blossoming in the spring?
Green Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You are entitled to your thoughts, as I am. Her health is the least of his concerns, what she looks like to his friends is more important. If she is as lazy and trifling as he says, they don't need to be married, because he will hold anything he doesn't like about her against her. If she isn't his type the way she is, then he won't be happy with her. He will always try to change something about her that he isn't happy about. Real change only comes from within and certainly doesn't last. A doctor can tell you if she really has a medical problem. Lots of larger people do not have health problems, so size is a contribution to health problems, but certainly not the only factor. How do you know he doesn't have a life threatening health problem even if he isn't overweight. I do. A doctor could give both the facts. If it is only about aesthetics, then he needs to find another person who suits his eye candy quota. Seriously this guy has come on here and been completly honest and all you do is bash him and try to shame him. Maybe his Fiance really is lazy and really is letting herself go completly? While you are perfectly entitled to your opinions my opinion is that you've been very judgemental and critical of this person. If I were in the OP's situation I would be embaresed for god sakes the guy is perfectly fine dating bigger women he said his gf look pregnant and if she's not then that is just not healthy or attractive in the least. I say dump her and find some one who cares about thier body and what they eat... You'll find some one else to connect with
lkjh Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 If it is truly about her health, which he only mentioned after he talked about how his friends would view him and after he called her lazy and trifling(troubling in itself). He should make an appointment with a Dr for both of them. He should get the facts about her health and his health from a professional. Maybe she is lazy! Is it really that bad to want your SO to take care of themselves? Listen he is not talking about you, you do not need to take this so personal. He asked a legitimate question and you focused on one sentence. You didn't even try to understand what he is saying, you just took offense to his post. You don't need a doctor to tell you that gaining weight and eating fast food everyday is bad for you. Why wouldn't he want her to take care of herself. He is the one that has to live with her, make love to her, and take care of her. If she can not take care of herself why should anyone else do it?
lkjh Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You are entitled to your thoughts, as I am. Her health is the least of his concerns, what she looks like to his friends is more important. If she is as lazy and trifling as he says, they don't need to be married, because he will hold anything he doesn't like about her against her. If she isn't his type the way she is, then he won't be happy with her. He will always try to change something about her that he isn't happy about. Real change only comes from within and certainly doesn't last. A doctor can tell you if she really has a medical problem. Lots of larger people do not have health problems, so size is a contribution to health problems, but certainly not the only factor. How do you know he doesn't have a life threatening health problem even if he isn't overweight. I do. A doctor could give both the facts. If it is only about aesthetics, then he needs to find another person who suits his eye candy quota. First off he already said he takes care of himself, second being overweight does contribute to health problems. I don't think I have ever heard a doctor say it is good to be overweight. That is why they call is overweight. It means you are literally over the recommended weight. Last, he has said that he loves her and is going to stay with her. He just wants her to return the favor. if he is going to stay with someone for the rest of his life then he is entitled to wanting her a certain way. This does not mean she has to be a super model........it just means she has to be healthy looking.
Recommended Posts