rosered Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I hate to even discuss this, but obviously even though Dday was about 6 years ago....things have only gotten more confusing. The "nutshell" version. About 6 years ago I just KNEW that my husband was cheating on me. He told me "I was crazy" ,treated me hateful, etc.. Until the day I did an email search and found his email ,about meeting some hooker while he was out of town . It was very ugly. I was devastated. It's not like I was/am some hideous dog or anything. I am 10 years younger than him.Other men still think I'm cute.I am barely over 40. My husband travels for work ,and always has. So, back then ....I try to forgive him .I stay. I also stayed half drunk for the next couple years just to live through it. Things get pretty much back to normal.Except my trust level.I had to face the fact that I would never have the loyal ,worry free marriage that I had envisioned. Fast forward a few years. We're still together, he still works far away. Only now, he has not had actual intercourse with me for nearly 5 years. He will "go down on me" but will only let me give him a "hand job". No blow jobs ,NO sex. That's right.For 5 years.He does not even kiss me, except for a peck. I have asked him: "are you having an affair?" "are you gay?" "did you catch some disease?" He emphatically denies ALL of the above. He blames his age 53, or having 2 drinks. I just can't buy either one of those excuses. Something is VERY wrong. I just don't know what to think.(Yes, he HAS had a physical) I also do not want to live the rest of my life without sex. I AM a loyal person. But how far am I supposed to carry that, when I get no emotional or physical response from my own husband? I just don't see how he could go from one such extreme to another. Please tell me your thoughts.
Green Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 my thoughts are you are unhappy with the situation and you deserve better for yourself. Do you still love him?
65tr6 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 It was very ugly. I was devastated. So what happened after you discovered his affair ? Did you confront him ? What changed in the last 6 years after you first discovered his affair ? I believe you have a bigger problem here. He still has affairs going on left and right. Can you put a keylogger on this machine ? Does he travel out of town ? I think he is hiding a LOT from you. Can you find ways to bust his ugly side ? (hiring PD or whatever)
Author rosered Posted March 1, 2009 Author Posted March 1, 2009 Oh, after Dday, he DID straighten up " our" life. Got joint bank accounts, married me. I had been living with him for 2 years when he did this. But I was going to leave. I know he "loves me" but as what, a sister? I love him too , as a human being. But I don't even feel like he is my husband.I would be mortified if anyone knew that he can't stand to touch me. I should say, I suppose that this is my 3rd damn marriage. One turned out to be a worthless child abusing bum, to his own kids.Two turned out to be an abusive alcoholic who shot himself. THREE was my charm, my LAST husband. He was the best man I had ever known .I worshiped him , and when he was being a cheating bastard , I ignorantly told him "he was the best man I had ever known " His hateful reply was "I don't WANT that responsibility" I should have known!
Spark1111 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You and he should talk honestly with a counselor. Maybe he has a fetish he is ashamed of that only hookers can satisfy? There are still secrets here and he is the one to unlock them if he wants a more satisfying sex life for the two of you. Good Luck!
mark982 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 5 yrs. no sex? somethings up, why are you staying? i understand being faithfull,but damn.as you say"you're still good looking, jesus, leave him and find someone who want you.
veryjaded Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 5 Years - That is just crazy. Heck 5 DAYS without is crazy enough:o. You either need to get him some help counseling or more my thinking is that you need to do some digging and investigating. Hire a PI or really start snooping yourself. Does he use a computer that you have access to?
White Flower Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 At 50 he should be fine and dandy in the sex department. You both need counseling. Maybe even sensual counseling if he cannot open up with you alone and do some exploring. good luck.
Heroic Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 5 years and no sex but he goes down on you...He has a disease.
signedin2008 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I have asked him: 1) "are you having an affair?" 2) "are you gay?" 3) "did you catch some disease?" . I think number 3 is the reason. I also believe that he is still having "affairs" with other women though. If he travels alot, you can't find out what he does "out there" unless you hire a private investigator.
sugarmomma Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It might be emotional or psychological. a sex therapist may help but if i were you i would leave him. u r young and deserve the affection any normal woman would desire. He has issues but this could rip your self esteem to pieces. I would kick his a@@ to the curb!!!
travelgirl Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I might have to agree with Heroic on this one. He only lets you give him handjobs and goes down on you. This tells me 2 things. 1. He is fine to get a hard-on so physically he is okay. 2. Even if he was gay, he would probably allow you to give him blowjobs and he wouldn't want to go down on you. So this leads me to believe he was and probably is still leading a very hidden lifestyle and could possibly have an STD he doesn't want to expose to you. I find it nearly impossible that a man could go 5 years with no sex, especially one that is away as much as he is and has had a history of raunchy sex with hookers. How do you know for absolute certain he isn't cheating or going to strip bars while he is away? It is so easy to get a hooker/escort and pay cash. Answer these questions honestly. Is he a good husband otherwise? Does he dread the trips and long to be home with you? Do you go to counceling. Has he shown remorse for his past? Does he want to improve the sex life or does he seem content? Do you know all his passwords to his emails? Does he leave his phone around so you can look at calls/numbers/texts? Do you have access to his cell phone bill? Can you see where all of his money is being spent while he is away? Are you sure he doesn't have his own credit card, bank account or email account you aren't aware of? When cheaters get caught and the marriage still isn't working, my guess is the cheater just got sneakier. I would install a keylogger on his laptop and would probably hire a PI to follow him on one of his business trips.
taylor Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I agree with Travelgirl. He's probably still seeing hookers on his business trips and doesn't want to expose you to a likely STD he may contract from his risky behavior. You forgave him when he cheated with hookers before. He has no reason to stop since he suffered no real consequences by cheating. Go the PI route if you really want to know why he has no interest in having sex with you. Age is a poor excuse for anyone to not have sex with their spouse..because there are plenty of married couples having regular sex at all ages. And I don't know about anyone else, but 2 drinks gets me going...it doesn't turn me off. I can't believe you went 5 years without sex...and we have men on here complaining about not having sex for 5 days.
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