People's physical appearence - how it grows on you and how your perception changes

[a_f_w]

Hi everyone. I'd like to hear to what extent other people experience this (I'm sure at least some people do).

 

I'll explain by way of my own example:

 

I've had one girlfriend and I met her a few years ago. At first I thought she kind of looked a bit weird. Not unattractive as such, but not someone that would have stood out from a crowd to me.

 

Over time, though, my perception of her face completely changed, until I literally never, ever, ever saw anyone who I thought was prettier. Never, ever, not once.

 

Now it's been a couple of months since she broke up with me. Two effects have occured. Firstly, and of only passing relevance to this thread, I can only associate her face with what happened (it wasn't a nice breakup... if there is such a thing!), and so in that sense I find it repulsive to look upon - but also, and this is the main point - as I have returned to being distant from here, I don't even see her as that pretty any more. It's not fully established yet, but definately it's coming. The other day I saw some pictures of her and really it was like a different face coming through the face I saw. Like some kind of optical illusion that I couldn't quite grab hold of with my mind... it kept changing back and forth.

 

So basically, she became the most beautiful person in the world, while I was with her. And now that's quickly melting away again until I guess I'll see what I saw before I knew her.

 

What do you guys think about this? It's weird, isn't it. Surely it's a well-documented effect, though. Do you ever wonder about it? Perhaps in the context of "what do other people think my partner looks like?".

 

Can anyone else remember not really thinking their partner was all that hot at first, but then completely changing that view?

 

Maybe we can best say it's a result of how familiar that face becomes? When it's all you see so often, I guess it becomes a lovely thing to look at?

 

any thoughts? I find this to be an interesting effect.

 

Thanks

[Isolde]

Hmm, I think it does happen a lot, maybe not as extreme as in your case.

 

I think in stable, very long relationships/marriages, what generally happens is the initial attraction fades and the partners realize they are not the best looking people in the world... but they still love each other anyway. They may fall in and out of lust with each other repeatedly, but the love remains constant and for that reason they never find one another unattractive.

 

I think in more volatile relationships, it often happens that togetherness makes the person OVERWHELMINGLY attractive, and once that togetherness isn't there, that's instantly gone.

 

I have been guilty in the past of dealing with rejection by a crush by thinking, "He wasn't all that hot anyway" and in some cases rejection instantly made me see the person more objectively.

 

But I know plenty of people who have been through tough breakups, who still find their exes attractive.

It is interesting, though, that you were with your GF for quite a while and seem to have changed your opinion of her looks so radically.

[clv0116]

Sure, it happens to everyone probably. Not sure what the mechanism is.

[Isolde]

Most likely a combination of associating that person with hurt or pain; no longer being sexually intimate with the person; and simply getting bored.

 

I generally think it bodes best when couples find each other objectively fairly attractive from the start.

[Dawn26]

Awwwhh...you saw her through love goggles. You weren physically attracted to her immediately, BUT as time went by and you got to know her you liked her personality and therefore she became beautiful in your eyes. Depending on why you guys broke up..that is what she morphed into.

[socialight]

if you put any guy in a room with 10 girls and they have to interact and talk for several hours straight it is scientifically proven that by the end of those hours the girl the guy thinks is hottest will not be the one he chose when he walked in the room. Same thing with girls.

 

Looks get your attention but given sufficient time attitude takes over.

[monkey00]

As they say, love is blind...

[BobSacamento]

I have personally lost attraction to people before. I actually think it came from what they have said. I'm assuming the opposite can happen. Like a not super good looking chick but if she is intelligent and doesn't say inappropriate things she can grow on you.

 

I'm starting to lean towards giving a lot more people a shot and not just let lust make my selection.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'll have to say that the 3 guys I have been "serious" with did not immediately catch my eye at first. But they all grew more attractive in my eyes as I got to know each one. And when I broke it off with the first two, their attraction completely faded in my eyes. Probably because I was no longer wearing those damn goggles.

 

Now, I know that my current is not "hot" for current trends, but he's absolutely dashing in my eyes because of how he treats me.

[a_f_w]

Interestingly, the girl I mentioned above went quite the opposite way to me. At first she found me incredibly attractive, and it was that which lead to us coming together - but as time passed she found me less and less attractive until I was quite unpleasant for her to behold. This was presumably a result of her coming to dislike my personality/behaviour/emotions etc.

I, as I explained, went through the opposite process (but starting from a reasonable level of base attraction, I guess)

[lovestory5]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I think it happens in many cases. But also it happens because of another partner. Look at yourself first. Have you become better since the beginning of your relations? Have you always given new emotions to the relations? Maybe your behavior caused such things. She saw that it was common relations, like the relations of an old pair and she had no stimulus to become better and became even worse. And if you were the example for her she would be afraid to lose you and became better and better from day to do. Believe me. : ) [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sand26]

This is an interesting thread.

I find that as the weeks pass with a girl I am dating I start to notice flaws I had not perceived before. Eventually after enough dates I find it hard to look at her face and I generally try to look away. If I happen to see her after our dating cycle is concluded she will look as charming and pretty as the day I met her. I think mine may be a different situation due to the fact that "love" is not involved. Also, if I meet a girl I find very attractive I have a hard time remembering how she looks when I am away from her.

[Taramere]

Interestingly, the girl I mentioned above went quite the opposite way to me. At first she found me incredibly attractive, and it was that which lead to us coming together - but as time passed she found me less and less attractive until I was quite unpleasant for her to behold.

 

That's typical of Jane Austen. She's a tricky character to please, which is a cheek as she was never exactly a ten.

 

This was presumably a result of her coming to dislike my personality/behaviour/emotions etc.

I, as I explained, went through the opposite process (but starting from a reasonable level of base attraction, I guess)

 

It sounds as though the wench was of average physical attractiveness, but had a temperament that was sufficiently appealing for you to develop a not inconsiderable attachment to her.

 

From the wench's perspective, you were a startlingly handsome man who inspired instant lust in her - a sensation that she might perhaps more usually associate with love.

 

As the sands tricked through the hour glass she retains on her marriage chest, she came to believe that your face and your personality were not impressive in equal measures. Meantime, perhaps you had grown accustomed to enjoying her superficial admiration of your physical assets.

 

It may have given you a sense of great wellbeing to admire your reflection in her eyes - to a degree, perhaps, where the face in which those eyes were implanted became second only to the mirror in terms of your ideal of human beauty.

 

One day you gazed into the oracle of her eyes. It mentioned that the disparity between her perception of your physical attractiveness and her perception of your temperament was, for her, so great that your physical appeal was no longer enough to sustain her interest. From that moment, what you had come to perceive as a great beauty began to dissipate quite rapidly.

 

The connection between you shattered. Treacherously, her eyes began to reflect an obscene caricature of who you know yourself to be. This inspired within you feelings of revulsion and hostility which could only be countered by a speedy separation between you.

 

It would not do to discount your former beloved as a dog, for this would make a mockery of the feelings you once had for her - and, therefore, of you. Your ego defence mechanisms do, however, permit you to categorise her as "not that pretty." You therefore reverted to your original assessment of her aesthetic value.

[a_f_w]

Thanks for the reply, Taramere. Your account of how our relationship progressed is somewhat off the mark, though - for example I knew for a long time (over a year) that she didn't find me attractive, but my feelings towards her only continued to grow. It's not unprecedented, since I know I become strongly attached to just about anyone or anything that stays close to me for long enough.

It was only after a final and fatal act of betrayal on her part that we separated; from my perspective it was a sudden and firey death of the relationship. But in her eyes I expect it was the inevitable conclusion of a long and drawn-out illness. Neither of us had the strength to end it any sooner, though.