Mom vs Girlfriend

[Cal999]

Hello

Okay...here's my story/issue

 

I am 23 yrs old and I met a beautiful woman a while back, she is so cool and fun to be with and basically the girl of my dreams!

We are basically inseparable and whenever I'm not with her I feel...well...pretty ****ty

She's also the first non-white girl I've 'been with', so it was pretty special.

 

Anyway the real problem here is my mom, you see I'm white and my girl is bi-racial (half black-half white) and my mom is scared that the feelings I have for my gf might lead to more serious feelings and eventually marriage and god forbid children.

 

I would love to do that stuff eventually with her, but my mom is being - well a mom/dictator & it's really bumming me out big time.

 

I told her to accept us but it's out of the question and my family (mostly the women) have their strong opinions about us too.

 

I know that I can't make both my gf and my mom happy - sooooooooo what do I do???

 

Thanks

[Island Girl]

I have had this issue with my mom my entire life.

 

Everyone I like she doesn't. The guys that have liked me that I didn't like - she did.

 

My husband is hated by her.

She has already said she doesn't want me to have children with him (too bad it isn't up to her!).

 

Basically she hates him because he is Pacific Islander and I am Caucasian.

 

I am completely against racism and bigotry in any form.

 

We will never see eye to eye - she is a bigot although she'll tell you she is not (she just doesn't believe in "mixing").

 

People just don't find true love that often or someone who is completely committed to making a relationship work through thick and thin.

I have.

And that is the most important thing in the world to me.

 

That is not to say it isn't painful to have a parent disapprove of your relationship. It is really difficult for me because my mother and I have always been so close.

 

But she is making the decision not to respect and accept my decisions for my own life as an adult.

 

I would never give up the most wonderful man I have ever met.

 

I had to make up my mind that I was going to live my life for me and no one else.

 

You have to do what makes you happy.

If you live your life according to everyone else's wishes I can guarantee you will not be happy. And we never know how much time we actually will get.

So live it wisely.

[Kamille]

We all have to grow up sometimes, and yes, usually that means doing things our parents won't agree with.

 

In this case, if you obey your mom, you are basically reinforcing your family's view that inter-racial couples are somehow problematic. Is that what you believe? If not, then it's time you stand up for what you believe in - or else, the world is never going to change.

[carhill]

OP, give mom's perspective appropriate weight. Examine it. Older adults do have insight regarding behaviors and motivations. They also can harbor prejudices. It's up to you to process all this.

 

Part of becoming an independent adult is respecting the opinions of your parents and acting in your own interest, even if that means adopting and adversarial position. You are your own man. You can love your mother and not follow her advice nor respect her wishes. Her role is to understand that you are now a man, not a child, and to respect your decisions. You teach people how to treat you, even parents.

 

Is this your first serious LTR?

[Cal999]

Thank you so much for replying

All of your points are very helpful - the crazy thing is the more my mom disapproves, the more I want to be with my gf - not out of spite for my mom but it just keeps my gf more and more on my mind.

 

I love this girl and what Kamille said "it's time you stand up for what you believe in - or else, the world is never going to change"

that is exactly what I needed to hear! THANKS!!!

 

I have had 1 lady that I loved and gave my all to her and my mom loved her - she was white - but I guess after a year and a half she got bored & we decided to move on, so I want my new gf to be a long term relationship. I learnt a lot from the first one.

My mom will just have to accept this I guess even if she is against it - why waste my time being miserable for her??? Even though I love both my mom & my gf - I have to live for myself too!

 

Again thanks for replying

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hello

Okay...here's my story/issue

 

I am 23 yrs old and I met a beautiful woman a while back, she is so cool and fun to be with and basically the girl of my dreams!

We are basically inseparable and whenever I'm not with her I feel...well...pretty ****ty

She's also the first non-white girl I've 'been with', so it was pretty special.

 

Anyway the real problem here is my mom, you see I'm white and my girl is bi-racial (half black-half white) and my mom is scared that the feelings I have for my gf might lead to more serious feelings and eventually marriage and god forbid children.

 

I would love to do that stuff eventually with her, but my mom is being - well a mom/dictator & it's really bumming me out big time.

 

I told her to accept us but it's out of the question and my family (mostly the women) have their strong opinions about us too.

 

I know that I can't make both my gf and my mom happy - sooooooooo what do I do???

 

Thanks

 

LOL i feel you man. my mother is the same way im black and I'm starting to find white women attractive and she's praying I bring home a black baby. but if the girl is hot then she's hot. race notwithstanding.

 

So your mom should learn to accept it. Your just dating right now, she should chill out on what she thinks is gonna evolve into marriage.

 

Is your moms rascist or just biased? has she dated any black men in her lifetime?

[collegekid491]

Grow a pair and cut the umbilical cord?

 

I mean, I love my parents, but they were against me dating my gf cause she has a tiny tattoo (the irony was I have a big a** one myself), but its a different time now then it was for them, they will get over it, if not then do you want to be part of their close minded little world?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Grow a pair and cut the umbilical cord?

 

I mean, I love my parents, but they were against me dating my gf cause she has a tiny tattoo (the irony was I have a big a** one myself), but its a different time now then it was for them, they will get over it, if not then do you want to be part of their close minded little world?

 

Ohh come on a tattoo??? That's it??? lmao!

[sb129]

Well, I am going to congratulate you because obviously your mothers prejudices aren't yours, which is great.

 

I think your mom has a right to her opinion, however its not the same as yours, and its your life.

Tell her you respect her opinion, but you don't share it, and you would appreciate it if she respected your difference of opinion.

 

At the end of the day, your happiness should be paramount to her, if you treat her with respect and politeness, then she is the one that looks petty and small-minded.

[Ronni_W]

Your mom's concerns for the life experiences and opportunities of non-white children/adults were definitely appropriate in the past...and may well still be, especially depending on where you live.

 

But, God, let's hope and pray that by the time your children reach age of making their own life decisions, colour of skin will no longer play any part in anything at all.

I know that I can't make both my gf and my mom happy - sooooooooo what do I do???

Make YOURSELF happy! (because) It is ALL you really have any power, control and authority over. Seek your own counsel and trust that your 'gut' is your strongest ally when it comes to making important decisions.

 

Best of luck with helping your mom become more hopeful about our shared future .

[Cal999]

Posted by Chrome Barracuda

 

"Is your moms racist or just biased? has she dated any black men in her lifetime?"

Oh no, no my mom is not a racist at all, she just believes that different colors should not mix.

And no my mom never dated a black guy I think she would rather become a lesbian (no offense to anyone)

She just grew up in that time where women stay in the kitchen and that is the way of the world...no changing it (in her opinion) - my generation is so different its quite scary.

 

Younger people are a little more open minded & my gf's parents are both biracial & they like me even though I'm a white boy

 

Posted by Ronni_W

 

"But, God, let's hope and pray that by the time your children reach age of making their own life decisions, color of skin will no longer play any part in anything at all."

 

I hope so - but I doubt it Ronni, I really do...thanks for all the advice

[sb129]

Oh no, no my mom is not a racist at all, she just believes that different colors should not mix.

 

Ummm Cal999, this statement says your mom IS racist. Can you see the contradiction in your statement?

If she believes that different colours shouldn't mix, then she must believe there are negative differences between them. She most likely feels superior because she is white, which leads to the very definition of racism:

 

 

racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each racial group possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another racial group or racial groups.

 

racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

[Trialbyfire]

Cal, believing that races shouldn't mix is the current form of racism being preached by racists. It's insidious because it allows racists from every race, to stand by their bigotted beliefs. It's also a joke, if you think about it, since racists from every race are standing together for the right to not want to dilute the purity of their blood with each other's tainted blood.

[Island Girl]

Oh no, no my mom is not a racist at all, she just believes that different colors should not mix.

 

Uh yeah.

 

My mom believes the same thing -- she's a racist.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Posted by Chrome Barracuda

 

"Is your moms racist or just biased? has she dated any black men in her lifetime?"

Oh no, no my mom is not a racist at all, she just believes that different colors should not mix.

And no my mom never dated a black guy I think she would rather become a lesbian (no offense to anyone)

She just grew up in that time where women stay in the kitchen and that is the way of the world...no changing it (in her opinion) - my generation is so different its quite scary.

 

[/Quote]

 

Hmm so she wouldnt date a man of a different race or ethnicity but she'll be gay??? Kinda hypocritical dont you think? From one end of the spectrum to the other. lol. but that's what you think, anyway's like i said I think your mom is hiding something if she believes so strongly about what she's saying. Your girl is not even full blown black. It's not like her name is shequita or some crazyness. lol.

 

Live your life man. Forget what she thinks, in my world coochie is coochie no matter what race she is. We all black when the light goes out.

[Geishawhelk]

It's not like her name is shequita or some crazyness. lol.

 

Isn't this weird though?

Really, only a black guy can get away with saying this,... if a white person were to say it, it would be classified as demeaning....

 

But I agree with you.,..I sometimes watch Ricky Lake or Judge Judy just to hear some of the names the black female community has come up with.... Really, where do they get them from ...?

 

Live your life man. Forget what she thinks, in my world coochie is coochie no matter what race she is. We all black when the light goes out.

 

Yup.

I agree with that!!

 

(we're also all the same height, more or less....)

[Chrome Barracuda]

lol the reason why white people cant say it is because y'all get it all wrong and say it with emphasis on it. Some white people get the ghetto pass, some dont. It's just the way of the world. I mean if I as a black guy can go around saying common asian female names I'm gonna get blasted for it, not because i made it sound demeaning, it's because i didnt say it right and with respect. but i digress. oh and ricki lake was canceled a long time ago... lol.

[Cal999]

Okay - let me put it this way...my love for my gf, whether she is blue or green or whatever the case may be, will not change because of my mom.

But my gf knows the situation & she just gives me a sad smile about it

(breaks my friggin heart) & I end up arguing with mom about it.

 

When I said :

"no my mom never dated a black guy I think she would rather become a lesbian"

 

I was just implying that my mom is NOT attracted to black men - lots of woman aren't - sorry if my attempt at humor offended anyone.

And a lesbian she won't be either.

 

Is she racist? Hell yes! Most people are too.

Her best friend is a bi-racial lady and she laughs at the whole situation - and I still love my mom regardless...

[Geishawhelk]

......oh and ricki lake was canceled a long time ago... lol.

 

We're still getting old re-runs here in the UK....You'd think we'd get the hint and follow suit....!

 

Why was it cnacelled....?

 

Just interested....

Must say, most guests seemed to be black. Very few white people, though that's just an obs, not a criticism......

[boldjack]

Honestly, this whole oedipal thing is getting way out of hand. I used to do what my mom said, then after I was about 12, I grew hair between my legs and did what I thought best. Mom became a valued counselor, nothing more. She certainly didn't have veto rights about my women. Foe God's sake , grow a pair, and do what you want.

[Geishawhelk]

.....after I was about 12, I grew hair between my legs ......

 

You can get treatment for that, you know....

it's all that horseriding.... the chafing can be unbearable.....

[Ronni_W]

But my gf knows the situation & she just gives me a sad smile about it (breaks my friggin heart) & I end up arguing with mom about it.

Cal, that's the part where you're "doing it to yourself" -- arguing with your mom is futile because it will NOT help her change her core beliefs about this.

 

Your peace lies someplace in recognizing that it is "unhealthy boundaries" to try to influence/manipulate/force your mom to change something about her Self, just so that you don't have deal with how her attitude or behaviour impacts your heart.

 

That is, accept who and what she is, including her misguided beliefs and perceived flaws and shortcomings. I guess, yes, that means ultimately you'll end up wearing the same "sad smile" that your g/f is wearing -- kind of the trademark of understanding, forgiveness and acceptance, that sad smile.

[Island Girl]

Cal, that's the part where you're "doing it to yourself" -- arguing with your mom is futile because it will NOT help her change her core beliefs about this.

 

How well I know this.

 

I have had the exact same argument with my mother for 20 years.

 

I have come to accept the fact that she believes as she does and there is no changing that.

 

The difficulty lies in what has been a conditional extension of love. The acceptance of that is extraordinarily painful.

 

The constant remarks and therefore complete understanding that our relationship (which is amazingly close)"will cease to be the same" when my husband gets here and we live together. And it is always presented that I am making that choice - not her.

 

My mother has been my only parent growing up. And it hurts in an excruciating way that her beliefs are more important to her than my happiness.

 

Right now I suffer from severe medical conditions due to the stress of my situation with my husband. He is overseas.

 

It has been acknowledged by my treating physicians that when my husband is finally with me I will improve greatly immediately. She has even openly admitted that this is valid.

However, even knowing this, she wishes him to stay where he is and therefore she would rather watch my health to deteriorate as she has the last three years than see us together.

 

That is hard to reconcile.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Island Girl. I've been following your recent post -- naturally, am wishing you both everything good and positive, and that your husband will soon be with you . And that your health will GREATLY improve.

 

I have a similar dynamic with my mom -- she sees (and accepts) only those things about me and my life that support her feeling comfortable, safe and secure . It is tough, indeed.

In her favour though, God bless her soul, she has undertaken therapy...and she's past 70!

 

So...there is ALWAYS hope. Cal, as IG has also experienced, arguing doesn't work except to frustrate and disappoint our own selves further. We just have to carry on doing what WE need to do, as best we can.

[LoveLace]

Island girl has some good advice. But you know that already. If it were me, I would probably end up telling my mother that I am done arguing with her, I'm keeping my bf, and call me if she ever decides to give him a chance.

 

I think it's so wrong for a parent to sacrifice their relationship with their own off spring all because of color. But sadly, it happens often. You would think that parents would just want their kids to be happy, weather they prefer gay, straight, black, white, whatever. Unfortunately it isn't that easy for many.