Chessy02 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Hi Guys, I know there are 2 sides to any story, but I'm going to put the facts as I know it and hope for an objective assessment. I met my girlfriend (GF) in 2001, in early 2002 we consumated the relationship and shortly after I moved to Canada. Though I really cared for her at the time it was still early days, so I was unsure if the relationship would survive the distance. He communicated by phone and emails which was a relief, as I went through some difficulties being in a new country, looking for jobs - just lonely - expected! I then met another woman (AW), which was clearly for sex. I observed that she was taking it a little further, verging to a relationship, albeit my 'affair' with her just started. I had to pull back a bit not to encourage her as my relationship with my GF was getting stronger. I noticed my GF wanted to come over to be with me - she was feeling depressed. I had to quit the 'relationship' with the other woman as - (a) I felt there was no future btw us; (b) she was still searching for her Mr Right as at a time she had a internet male friend came over from overseas who spent a week with her, but states that nothing happened as she did not fancy him; © I was falling in love with my GF; (d) I felt and still know she is a good person. My GF came to meet me at my new abode, I proposed, and she returned. 2 months later I returned to my country to be with her - only spent 6 months away. The affair with the OW lasted for roughly 2 months - she wanted me to stay but I had to be with my fiance. On my return our relationship got even stronger, that is my GF and I. We got married a year and half later in 2004. Shortly afterwards, I discovered that my wife was online flirting with some guy she claimed she doesn't know - I forgave her and thought nothing of it to this day, especially as the guy was somewhere in one of teh Asia countries. I asked her to get a job to utilise her time, as being at home wasn't helping, which she did. I believe as a safety net I started communicating with the OW - not sure who sent the first email. Anyhow, she profess her love for me. We flirted, she wanted to come and see me, I refused. We have been trying to have a child to no avail. Initially thought it was her, which scared her. Asked if I'd stay with her if she can't have a child for me, to which I stated yes - my honest answer, even though I love children. We went to investigate further and it was discovered that I was the major problem, though she has some problems which can be resolved with appropriate treatments. I was destructed. In 2005 wife discovered past emails with the OW which were still in my account. She got mad, and crazier that I was communicating with the OW whilst we were going through our difficulties - fertility issues. I apologised and we decided to give another go. We had the usual problems, I believe like other couples, and the issue of the OW comes up and I tried my hardest to assure her as it wasn't a good feeling. Never looked at another woman again! She returned to University in 2005 after much encouragement that I will pick the tab - this was with the view of boosting our income albeit short-term financial hardship. Another car was bought to ease travelling during placements due to poor transport system. August 2008, she travelled to see her brother during her school holidays. I dropped her off at the coach station for the journey. She called that the coach relaxing in the coach, I wished her well and for her to call when she is at her brother's. She did and we talked like normal couples. The following day she said she was depressed, I asked why, and she said our relationship. That she wasn't happy. I tried to find out what the problem was, as she left home ok. She talked of things that I felt were reason for reasons - i.e, my family; ignoring her; not enough kisses; that I'm helping my sister who she doesn't get along with too much. She asked that we go to MC, to which I flatly refused as at the time I felt it was waste of money and time. She said she wanted a separation and was looking for a place on return. She returned, I picked her up and we discussed. She stated that she has made her mind and she wanted to move out. She did a cursory move with some stuff and went to her friends place. Late in the night she called but I refused to answer the dozens of calls. She dashed back in the middle of the night stating that she thought about it and she wanted to give our marraige another chance. She asked me if I felt the same. That her friend spoke to her. We did, and I felt everything was going well. More efforts were put from my side on things complained about. In October, I discovered emails she was sending to a male friend who was at our wedding. I thought they were mere friends, as I sometimes speak to him. I checked phone records and discovered that immediately she callled me from the coach she contacted him several times and all through her stay at her brothers - even until the early hours of the morning. Before I met her they knew each other and according to her they went out as friends but there was no chemistry. He dated others. The emails were poems they crafted and professing the love and making the mistake of letting go again, etc. I confronted her. She seems devarstated at the time. She said he capitalised on her vulnerability when she was down in August 2008 and telling him about her problems in the marriage. She asked that I allow her another chance and she was prepared to give 100%, and asked if I would do same. I agreed and to me everything was fine. She seems happy. December 2008, she wanted upgrade to our desktop computer - sound card, memory, which I bought and very expensive at that. She was pleased. She wanted to play some computer games. After the Xmas, she got introduced by her brother to Second Life and from that day she comes to bed at 4, 5 or 6 am. I complained and complained. It was affecting my work as I get waken up in the middle of the night cos of the tapping of keyboard, and her coming to bed late, thereby unable to return to sleep. She ended up sleeping in the lounge in order not to wake me. I complained and on the eve of valentine, she asked if she could use the computer, I said no you can't as it looks like you have not considered what I talked you about the previous day about this game. She got angry that this is 'control' and she got the right - I said 'I'm not sure you are thinking clearly and we need to consider the relationship'. I told her that she was addicted to the game and she needs help. I left her and she returned to bed at 6am on valentines day! Wake up at 11am, she say her gift by the computer, she thanked me. It was a hard thing to give her the gift which I bought sometime ago, save the card which I could not bring myself to write any sweet words like you do. 4 days after our conversation, I went to the library and everything was fine, except that I wasn't happy about her new found love - the computer game (probably not game). My frined called to asked after me, and they spoke. She told him she wasn't happy. My friend called me and I told him that I was shocked that she wasn't happy as she has never said that to me even though I have approached her many times and even though I have been complaining about the game. I confronted her about this and she said she was sorry that she did not tell me. That she was addicted to the game cos she was unhappy. 2 days after, I caught her dancing with a male avatar. She quickly change the screen. I kept quiet, observing. The following day I caught her again with a male avatar and I confronted her - she quickly changed the screen. She said she was chatting with a female friend. I stood there watching what she was writing, but noticed she wasn't making sense. a pop-up message came up later - a guys name calling her by her name, asking if she was still there, he was waiting, hun, babes, all sort. I asked who the guy was and she said a friend. I said I need to see what they were chatiing abt, she refused. She shut down the computer so fast. I left angry, bewildered. The following day, before heading for work I uninstalled Second Life from the computer. Disconnected the sound card. My friend called again to find out how she was doing and told me he was informed that things went bad over the weekend. That she was looking for a room to rent. I told him of the development. Later returned home from work, no apology or remorse. I said this can't continue. She turned it around that she find out she could not give 100% as thought previously. Apologised for the pains she put me through. Following day she vacated and aksed if I still want a divorce or separation, to which i said it is your call. My friend advised that having heard both side he felt that the emails with her friend and the internet contact vis a vis game were synptoms, that I should encourage MC and told me about the benefits. That has now been suggested by myseld, but looks like I am hitting a brick wall as she said she is not sure if she will be able to give 100% and it could be a waste of our time. In the last 2 days she has called me at after 1am to chat as she could not sleep and all the nonesense that she really love me and finding it difficult. Also, that I provide everything and I am always there, but the only thing lacking was the passion. She profess that since August she agree that I have made efforts, and believe that in her heart she is now purnishing me for the pains she went through when she discovered the emails with the OW. Not sure what her game plan is! Thoughts please
seibert253 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Cut your loss and move on if it comes to that. If she's that addicted to a computer game, plus with her indecisiveness, sounds like she's emotionally immature. Give her a week to move out, even help pack her things. Close your bank accounts, cancel credit cards, if she's not working tell her to get a job to support herself. Do not give her any money, period. It will be hard but you'll have your answer in less than a month whether to salvage this, or move on. Sometimes a dose of reality has a tendency to smack someone back into reality. If she values your relationship, reality will bring her to her senses, and she'll come running back within a month. If she doesn't, then maybe she's not for you. You deserve someone who WILL give you 100%
Author Chessy02 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Thanks for your response Seibert. To be honest the issue of emotional maturity came up in August when I told her that it looks like I'm dealing with more than one person, and that she need to deal with her emotional issues before we can really make sense of what the real issues were. After being caught on the computer game, she said she believes she need to work on her emotionals, as she doesn't see why she can't seems to get past our problems of 2005. She also stated that it could be that she was too sheltered, and that I was her first love - according to her she only had one one-night stand before I met her. Further and honestly, she commended me for the efforts I made since August, and I won'thave seen this problem coming if my friend hadn't called or probably if I hadn't 'threatened' her on the eve of Valentine that the computer game can't continue. For 2 months I used to clean the house around her whilst she was on the computer, cook - as my dad who is very ill lives with us, do the laundry and shopping. She gets bursary for studying - not much though, so it does supplement our income. I have now decided that I won't call her, as I did yesterday for the first time since she left. I'll give her a month before I start withdrawing direct debit obligations that partial to her. She hasn't work for 4 years now as she states that she is focus with her school work, but we met her colleague the other day who was just returning from work - then I told her that 'here we go!' My 2 close friend who knew about the situation reckon that she is just immature. That the talk of passion, which when I asked as this is a vague word, she said not enough kisses. I then said what about the flowers I buy all the time, and as luck would have it there was a bunch of flowers bought on a vase. And what about the kisses, etc. She stated that maybe she has been watching too much latin soaps! Anyway, interestingly, her best friend who she hangs out with is going through her marital problems as well. 24 hours b4 I caught her on the internet, she was pacifying her friend as she was having difficulties with her husband. She told me, but I didn't want to listen as to me we have our own problems which she doesn't seems to notice. I asked her yesterday if her friend was resolving her problems to which she said yes. That she would have left him by now if not for the children. Nutshell, she caught her husband cheating late 2005, and said she hasn't gotten over it. That the passion towards her husband disappeared. I'm watching now and not pursuing as it would only prolong my heartache. As you said if she is for me I will know within a month! Thanks
seibert253 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 No contact is a great idea. Didn't think of that one. Best of luck to you.
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