Need clarification...

[Deegee]

I've been invovlved with a mm for 3.5 years, we've had a ldr for the past 2 years and I have moved back to the same state in the past month and a half.

Well, about 6 mos ago, he tells me that he's confused, and that he's been going to church (with his wife) and has been trying to live his life right, and that he needed to let me go to live my life, because he really couldn't give me what I wanted (which was ultimately marriage, with him ), and he really didn't know WHEN he could give me that. so,I was utterly devastated, but I understood what he was trying to do, and I wanted to support his decision, so, I tried to do the right thing. But I missed him terribly, and just wanted to keep our lines of communication open.

So when I moved back to town, we started talking again, there was no sexual relations, just hugs and kisses. Beause he still wanted to maintain that he was trying to "live right". (I tried to explain to him that God knew his heart, and what he had in his mind, but to my mm, he figured that as long as we didn't ACT on what we truly wanted to do, then it was fine....I knew better).

So we were continuing to talk to eachother daily,and text eachother daily. And in the meantime, I had met someone who I was interested in, and wanted to get to know better, and was spending some time with. So my mm got a hold of my phone, and saw that there was a number there, with a man's name that he didn't know, so he asked me who he was, and if I had slept with him, so I told him that it was someone that I had met, and yes, we were intimate with eachother, and my mm got angry with me, and left.

And when we spoke to eachother again, he called me a liar, and a slut. The liar part because I had failed to tell him that I met someone, that I was intimate with this person (that' s where the slut part comes in....ouch, and that really hurt...)and that I had changed because I wasn't really the person who he knew. And I told him that I was just doing what he told me to do, moving on with my life, then his response to me was that he didn't expect me to sleep with every Tom, Dick or Harry. (Mind you, this was the only man that I was intimate with in over 3.5 years) and that I should think better of myself than to go out and screw just anybody.

Now he calls me a cheater, and has told me that we WOULD NEVER, EVER be together again, he says that I am not the same person that he fell in love with, and that he doesn't even "like" me anymore.

Now, is it just me, or am I retarded to think that I was a single women who had no ties to this mm and could make my own decisions about who, when,where I want to be intimate with?

I know that I am not a cheater, and when I reminded him that he was married, cheating with me, his response was "that doesn't count, you knew I was married,,," how lame and really stupid is THAT?!

And to add insult to injury, he tells me, "If my wife was to drop dead tomorrow, I would NEVER be with you, you've changed things here that has changed us".

I feel really bad because I wanted him for so long, and a part of me feels like I have screwed this up for us, but another part of me feels like I should just let this go, and move on with my life. (He's still married, living in their house, sharing their bed, and everything else, I'm sure)

But, I am sad that I hurt him (I truly did see it in his eyes), and also sad that he seems like a little child that didn't get things his way, so, now he's taking his toys and running away...back to his wife.....

Can someone please help me to understand his behavior?

[Reggie]

Guy is an idiot. He's projecting a lot of his guilt on you. You are both dishonest. He wants out and you'd be best served to walk away and get counseling.

[sadintexas]

The way I see it, he gets to make himself sound like the good guy by saying you should move on and he's trying to do the right thing, etc. But his actions dictate otherwise. He's staying in contact with you (and hugging and kissing) to keep you pining over him. He's giving you just enough to keep you there. Why? Because it's a great boost to his ego.

 

He fully expected you to wait for him and miss him and want him even more since you couldn't have him anymore. By you taking his advice and moving on, you threw a huge wrench into his plans. He can't believe that he's not all that. I know you didn't say that to him, but since you have actually slept with someone else, you've shown him that you are capable of moving on.

 

By him saying that you are not the person he fell for and that you've changed simply means that he isn't getting what he wants from you anymore. He wants the adoration and attention from you. Now that is threatened and the only way you've changed is by taking steps to improve your situation. You're not catering to him emotionally (exclusively) anymore.

 

I thought about the possibility that maybe he just didn't know what he wanted when he told you that, BUT the way he's acting now, resorting to calling you names and attacking your character shows he's selfish and it didn't work out the way he wanted it to so he is lashing out at you. Pure selfishness on his part.

 

Do yourself a favor and keep moving forward. You have options. MM options are limited which is why he is so pissed his little power play didn't work.

[jj33]

Exactly what Miss Texas said.

 

And EXCUSE ME? but he is going to church cheating on his wife and he calls you a liar and a slut? No matter how hurt he is he has no right to speak to you that way.

 

And another thing, its the old children's rhyme. Im rubber you are glue anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you....

 

move forward. He isnt going anywhere and he wants to keep you stuck with him. The answer to that is no thank you.

[OpenBook]

Now, is it just me, or am I retarded to think that I was a single women who had no ties to this mm and could make my own decisions about who, when,where I want to be intimate with?

I know that I am not a cheater, and when I reminded him that he was married, cheating with me, his response was "that doesn't count, you knew I was married,,," how lame and really stupid is THAT?!

And to add insult to injury, he tells me, "If my wife was to drop dead tomorrow, I would NEVER be with you, you've changed things here that has changed us".

 

No, this isn't about you - as much as he would like you to think so (he's totally trying to turn everything back around on you).

 

This is about the truth finally being revealed about HIM. He wanted everything his way, it was all about him, and he thinks everything and everyone should revolve around him. You - and what you want - are insignificant to him. You are just a pawn in his big chess game.

 

And when you stopped playing the game, and proved that he doesn't control everything like he thought, he got angry.

 

Although he is right about one thing - you knew going in what the situation was, and you took the risk anyway.

 

I think you're definitely right about letting this go and moving on. He has proven to you IN ABUNDANCE that he is not worth one more second of your precious time and attention.

 

(I feel REALLY sorry for his W!! She can't get away from him like you can.)

 

And I really believe it would be good to sit down with yourself and figure out how you got into such a messy situation in the first place. What was it about him that sucked you into it? Did he play upon your weaknesses? And from a standpoint of personal morals, do you regret getting involved with a MM? These are questions only you can answer. But I think you owe it to yourself to answer them... so that you will be able to see it coming and avoid these painful situations in the future.

[65tr6]

Now he calls me a cheater, and has told me that we WOULD NEVER, EVER be together again, ?

 

There is a term to describe this kind of behavior........ HYPROCRITE !

 

I know that I am not a cheater, ?

I dont know about that. Abetting a cheater...dont know if that makes you a cheater or not.....you make that call...

 

Or better...do you have the guts ? You really think you can do someone a huge favor ? Call his wife and expose this pos. Or better, expose him in the church if you can.

 

Move on with your life. Dont look back. Dont ever contact him again. For rest of your life.

[Athena]

Can someone please help me to understand his behavior?

Yes, I can help you -- his ego's been wounded. Ouch! He wasn't yet ready to fully dump you (he intended on this in the future) but you were not following his timetable. Anyway, realize that he never had much self esteem to begin with, which is why he got involved with having an extramarital affair in the first place. So of course he is going to react emotionally, painfully, and immaturely. Seems like he wants you kept on the back burner at his beck and call, all to himself, while giving you nothing? You have to set him in his place -- which is No Where (with you) .... he doesn't hold much of an important place with you anymore, and he knows it, and it hurts him.

 

Also, another reason he is kicking up such an ugly name-calling fuss, is that is his way of emotionally separating from you -- he's managed to physically stop sleeping with you, so now he is Blowing up the Incident to allow him to build up enough "hatred" to "hate" you and step back from you. Self-serving. Not fair to you, but useful to him.

 

When he called you a Liar, he was actually talking about himself. That is how he has been for over three years to his beloved wife, with whom he took vows before God.

The liar that he calls you is the liar he knows himself to be, and the way he treats his wife everyday.

 

then his response to me was that he didn't expect me to sleep with every Tom, Dick or Harry.(...) and that I should think better of myself than to go out and screw just anybody.

Tell him you are not screwing 'just anybody' but that THIS guy is Special! (this will hurt OM yes, but its two-pronged, it will also show you are not a slut sleeping around and have found an available man you deem worthy of being with, and want to be with).

 

Point out that he's a worse Cheater and Liar than you, since he has marital vows with his wife whom he cheats on, you do not with him. And he continues to lie to his wife by not having confessed to her still!

Add that you learned first-hand from him how to leave out relevant information.

 

"If my wife was to drop dead tomorrow, I would NEVER be with you,

Point out to him that HE might be more likely to drop dead tomorrow than his wife (since woman outlive men on average) and his wife would surely find another man to be with (do give him that image).

 

when I reminded him that he was married, cheating with me, his response was "that doesn't count, you knew I was married,,,"

Yes, but his wife didn't.

 

Well, about 6 mos ago, he tells me that he's confused, (...) and that he needed to let me go to live my life,

Remind him of this, and that basically whomever you choose to have sex with is NONE of HIS business anymore, since he has demoted himself to a non-sexual partner....

 

Don't forget he is sore because it looks like he has no control over your heart and body anymore, and this is his vulnerable reaction.

If I were you, I would help his poor wife to know her real marital history by informing her of everything. You owe her that much don't you? I am a BS and I would have preferred to have known sooner than later. Just make sure you also apologize to her for playing your part. Then sit back with a free conscience while he has to explain being a Liar and a Cheater to HER. Don't sit around helping to wean MM off you. Move on with your life.

[smarterthanbefore]

He just showed you who he really is, a selfish prick. He want you and his wife to be faithful to him, while he give both of your pieces of himself. I don't understand how a woman would want a man that is married and willing to cheat on his wife. That would make me lose so much respect for him and myself. Married man= no flirting, no sex and off limits. How hard is that. Move on with your life and respect yourself more next time.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been consistently amused by the concept of "fidelity" within an affair. From reading here, it seems that many WS have no problem expecting their affair partners to be monogamous with them while they go home and sleep with their spouse every night. As usual, hypocrisy abounds...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Athena]

As usual, hypocrisy abounds...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It sure looks that way (hypocritical) however, as I read somewhere else on the boards, an Affair is still a relationship between two people, and similar expectations are placed on one another (fidelity) if emotions are involved. They both accept the affair partner's spouse as a reality and/or limitation on the affair relationship, and yet they still have those expectations for they are dealing with each other as any romantic couple would. It doesn't make it right, and sure it is hypocritical as far as the definition of the word goes, and yet -- it is understandable that while there is 'no honor amongst thieves' that doesn't preclude them from demanding loyalty! Look at gangs / mafia etc that cheat lie steal kill, and yet the gang members demand loyalty/no theft/ 'get my back' , knowing full well that they are dealing with human beings who do all those things to others.

[Reggie]

It sure looks that way (hypocritical) however, as I read somewhere else on the boards, an Affair is still a relationship between two people, and similar expectations are placed on one another (fidelity) if emotions are involved. They both accept the affair partner's spouse as a reality and/or limitation on the affair relationship, and yet they still have those expectations for they are dealing with each other as any romantic couple would. It doesn't make it right, and sure it is hypocritical as far as the definition of the word goes, and yet -- it is understandable that while there is 'no honor amongst thieves' that doesn't preclude them from demanding loyalty! Look at gangs / mafia etc that cheat lie steal kill, and yet the gang members demand loyalty/no theft/ 'get my back' , knowing full well that they are dealing with human beings who do all those things to others.

 

Exactly. And, they have no moral authority or basis to expect fidelity between themselves. Yet, stupidly, they do. It is even more bizzare that cheaters do not have the insight to see their hypocrisy.

These folks need to take a step back and look at themselves. Two extremely dishonest people getting all upset about lack of fidelity or hypocrisy. Yet, that was the foundation of their relationship.

It is mind boggling that a person having a relationship with a married person does not consider him or herself a cheater. They cling to this concept so tightly as they cannot either understand or face who they are.

[bentnotbroken]

I've been invovlved with a mm for 3.5 years, we've had a ldr for the past 2 years and I have moved back to the same state in the past month and a half.

Well, about 6 mos ago, he tells me that he's confused, and that he's been going to church (with his wife) and has been trying to live his life right, and that he needed to let me go to live my life, because he really couldn't give me what I wanted (which was ultimately marriage, with him ), and he really didn't know WHEN he could give me that. so,I was utterly devastated, but I understood what he was trying to do, and I wanted to support his decision, so, I tried to do the right thing. But I missed him terribly, and just wanted to keep our lines of communication open.

So when I moved back to town, we started talking again, there was no sexual relations, just hugs and kisses. Beause he still wanted to maintain that he was trying to "live right". (I tried to explain to him that God knew his heart, and what he had in his mind, but to my mm, he figured that as long as we didn't ACT on what we truly wanted to do, then it was fine....I knew better).

So we were continuing to talk to eachother daily,and text eachother daily. And in the meantime, I had met someone who I was interested in, and wanted to get to know better, and was spending some time with. So my mm got a hold of my phone, and saw that there was a number there, with a man's name that he didn't know, so he asked me who he was, and if I had slept with him, so I told him that it was someone that I had met, and yes, we were intimate with eachother, and my mm got angry with me, and left.

And when we spoke to eachother again, he called me a liar, and a slut. The liar part because I had failed to tell him that I met someone, that I was intimate with this person (that' s where the slut part comes in....ouch, and that really hurt...)and that I had changed because I wasn't really the person who he knew. And I told him that I was just doing what he told me to do, moving on with my life, then his response to me was that he didn't expect me to sleep with every Tom, Dick or Harry. (Mind you, this was the only man that I was intimate with in over 3.5 years) and that I should think better of myself than to go out and screw just anybody.

Now he calls me a cheater, and has told me that we WOULD NEVER, EVER be together again, he says that I am not the same person that he fell in love with, and that he doesn't even "like" me anymore.

Now, is it just me, or am I retarded to think that I was a single women who had no ties to this mm and could make my own decisions about who, when,where I want to be intimate with?

I know that I am not a cheater, and when I reminded him that he was married, cheating with me, his response was "that doesn't count, you knew I was married,,," how lame and really stupid is THAT?!

And to add insult to injury, he tells me, "If my wife was to drop dead tomorrow, I would NEVER be with you, you've changed things here that has changed us".

I feel really bad because I wanted him for so long, and a part of me feels like I have screwed this up for us, but another part of me feels like I should just let this go, and move on with my life. (He's still married, living in their house, sharing their bed, and everything else, I'm sure)

But, I am sad that I hurt him (I truly did see it in his eyes), and also sad that he seems like a little child that didn't get things his way, so, now he's taking his toys and running away...back to his wife.....

Can someone please help me to understand his behavior?

 

 

 

The bolded parts just crack me up:lmao:He is trying to live right by remaining in an emotional affair with you:lmao:, that's truly rich isn't it. And then you are trying to explain to him what God knows.

 

You know what you and he did was wrong but you are sad cause you wanted him for so long selfish little prick got his balls bruised. You knew he was selfish when he had an involvement with you. If he weren't he would have invited his wife to have her own A. This is the person you put 3 years into. Don't you wonder now what his W put up with?

[Deegee]

Thank you to all who replied to my post, your insight has helped me immeasurably.

 

I DO regret that I was involved in this sordid mess, and take full responsibility for my part in this affair, I knew better, but still was too selfish and apparently very arrogant to think that I could do this, and get away with it.

All i can do at this point is thank my lucky stars that this never came to light, and his wife never found out (although I suspect that she had to know something...), believe it or not, I have thought about her, and the pain that I would have inflicted on her, had she found out, not to mention the burden of knowing that I was hurting an innocent women with my selfish ways. And a lot of times, it actually made me cry... I know, I know, but not enough to stop the affair, huh? I truly believe that I cared more about her feelings than her H did. I remember asking him on a few occasions, what would he do if she ever found out? And his answer was that he would say,"oh, I guess that the jig is up...." and move on with his life. I also asked him if he ever felt guilty for doing this to her, and his answer was always, "no". I should have paid attention to the red flags everywhere....

I know that I am a cheater (this was my first time, and LAST) and that I need help to find out what would allow me to be involved with a mm, a mm that thought so little of everyone (except himself...) and what would allow me to STAY with someone that was so callous, and cold, and manipulative. And think that it was all okay....

REGRETS, I have many, but getting involved with a mm was and always should be a complete no-no.

I have learned that to be involved in an affair can and does have devastating effects, and the damage can also be generational.

 

I am truly sorry and have to seek forgiveness from my God. I know that it all sounds so very hypocritical, and a bit self-serving, but I truly believe that this is the start of my healing from this long, and exhausting turmoil.

 

I pray that his wife will find the courage and strength to face the difficulties that may lay ahead for them, and that she finds the energy to deal with her H. For my participation in the affair, I am sorry.

 

I am going to move on with my life, a little bit weary, and a whole lot wiser. I will no longer be a captive audience to someone that couldn't have cared less about me, his wife, and both our feelings. I am done.

 

Now comes the hard part....the beginning of healing.

 

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH

[bentnotbroken]

Thank you to all who replied to my post, your insight has helped me immeasurably.

 

I DO regret that I was involved in this sordid mess, and take full responsibility for my part in this affair, I knew better, but still was too selfish and apparently very arrogant to think that I could do this, and get away with it.

All i can do at this point is thank my lucky stars that this never came to light, and his wife never found out (although I suspect that she had to know something...), believe it or not, I have thought about her, and the pain that I would have inflicted on her, had she found out, not to mention the burden of knowing that I was hurting an innocent women with my selfish ways. And a lot of times, it actually made me cry... I know, I know, but not enough to stop the affair, huh? I truly believe that I cared more about her feelings than her H did. I remember asking him on a few occasions, what would he do if she ever found out? And his answer was that he would say,"oh, I guess that the jig is up...." and move on with his life. I also asked him if he ever felt guilty for doing this to her, and his answer was always, "no". I should have paid attention to the red flags everywhere....

I know that I am a cheater (this was my first time, and LAST) and that I need help to find out what would allow me to be involved with a mm, a mm that thought so little of everyone (except himself...) and what would allow me to STAY with someone that was so callous, and cold, and manipulative. And think that it was all okay....

REGRETS, I have many, but getting involved with a mm was and always should be a complete no-no.

I have learned that to be involved in an affair can and does have devastating effects, and the damage can also be generational.

 

I am truly sorry and have to seek forgiveness from my God. I know that it all sounds so very hypocritical, and a bit self-serving, but I truly believe that this is the start of my healing from this long, and exhausting turmoil.

 

I pray that his wife will find the courage and strength to face the difficulties that may lay ahead for them, and that she finds the energy to deal with her H. For my participation in the affair, I am sorry.

 

I am going to move on with my life, a little bit weary, and a whole lot wiser. I will no longer be a captive audience to someone that couldn't have cared less about me, his wife, and both our feelings. I am done.

 

Now comes the hard part....the beginning of healing.

 

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH

 

 

Ask God's forgiveness, accept his forgiveness, never repeat these actions, walk into the blessings he has for you. There is no need to carry mess when you receive his forgiveness. Now is the time to take your hard learned wisdom and make it work for you. God Bless.

[Deegee]

Benotbroken,

Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. I appreciate your support, and will go and do right from here on out.

Although I know that this will affect me somehow, and I will be held accountable for my part in all of this, I am humbled by your graciousness, and kindness.

Thank you! D

[bentnotbroken]

Benotbroken,

Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. I appreciate your support, and will go and do right from here on out.

Although I know that this will affect me somehow, and I will be held accountable for my part in all of this, I am humbled by your graciousness, and kindness.

Thank you! D

 

 

:eek:Who me? Didn't you know I am a bitter BS;). Be at peace.

[Dudley]

I'm sorry to hear this. Please don't take his words literally. He's just hurt that you've moved on. Although he tried to sound like the bigger person (going to church, letting you live your life), he's truly not ready inside. You do deserve better. I hope things work out between you and your new man. I will take your advice. It's been over a week on my end. It's been hard since I do see him at work. But you're right, the sooner the better!

[NoIDidn't]

DeeGee

 

I hope you've ceased all communications with this man. He deserves to be ignored.

 

He thought that he could have his cake and eat it too, and that you were too hooked on him to know you could get more and better from elsewhere.

 

He's not trying to actually live right. He just wants it to look that way.

[Deegee]

Dudley, NoIDidn't,

Thank you both for your support, and your advice.

As for the new guy, well, he decided that he didn't want to go through this with me (and I can understand that...), and has moved on. No loss.

And yeah, I'm going to take a time out and examine why things have happened, and go from there....wish me luck.

 

I wish the best for both of you.

 

Blessings...D