My "philosophy abt insecurities in an LDR"

[JaydaLeah]

Well, or in any relationships for that matter... I've been reading alot about the agony of insecurities, the comunication-antagonism eg, who msg who first, the silence/lack of communication that sparks insecurities, uncertainties abt the future and such.

 

I go through all of these too. And its like slow torture peeling the rightful joy that i should have as a person away from my life.

 

I am experiencing the pain of a rollercoaster ride in my LDR. Everyday, i feel down when i dont hear from him, and when i do, i get elated immediately... until i stop hearing from him again... so it goes up and down like that and its dentrimental to my mental and emotional states. It makes me feel blue, feel horrid and robs me of who i usually am - who is cheerful, optimistic, confident...I became, gloomy, pessimistic and.. insecure.

 

So, i gave it some thought. IF he is going to cheat on me with another girl, or to start losing feelings for me despite my constant efforts to make it work... its a work of fate/nature isnt it? What can i possibly do on my part to stop him from all those? I can only do my best as a gf to convey my feelings to him, to make things work and all. But if a person meant to leave u, or cheat on u, it will happen. We cant control the feelings of others.

 

So why am i wasting time fretting, worrying and getting all paraniod abt him leaving me? I came to the conclusion that, i must be prepared that even if things doesn't work out, i can still survive. I will be ok in time.

 

Of course, easier said than done. Im still struggling with it. Im still dreading the pain of losing him and i am still experiencing the green monster's attack when ever i though of him hanging out so damn often with this pretty girl (oh and they speak the same common language, hang out with each other's family ever so often too. She's more of a gf than i am!) But like what Jewel sang in Hands, "And not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these". Indeed.

 

Sigh! All i hope, is that if he ever wants to leave, he better make it quick and not drag things. Another song that convey is Vonda Shepherd's "I rather u be mean, than to love than lie. I rather hear the truth and have to say gdbye". I wonder how useful is this method of conquering the insecure Sh*ts of LDR?

[Island Girl]

I wonder how useful is this method of conquering the insecure Sh*ts of LDR?

 

The method of just thinking differently?

 

I don't know that it will work all that well in the long term.

Short term it works sometimes. It just really depends on th events that are causing your insecurities to flare.

 

I have never had to deal with him hanging out with any girl he is not related to - let alone a "pretty" one.

I don't think that would have been good for our relationship at all. I am prone to jealousy - but so is he and that is why we have never put each other in that position.

 

Is your SO jealous?

 

Do you talk to him about these feelings that you have?

Why are they happening daily?

[LikeCharlotte]

This is what I tell myself when I feel a little jealous or worried.

 

"Charlotte, there is nothing you can do about it anyway so focus on yourself. You will know the truth or answer in time."

 

It doesn't always work the first time but it works. I've never been the worried or jealous type but the LDR has really challenged that. I just refocus my thinking. I don't want to make it sound simple because sometimes I am wrapped up in my destructive thoughts and its hard to cut it out.

 

I think of it in a similar way: You don't get into any relationship to spotlight your insecurities and fears and slowly let them tear you into misery. In fact you should hope that the opposite happens and both of you can experience some joy and get over some of your b*s - become a better person. So why would you let it in to destroy your happiness, knowingly? It can be hard to put yourself in check like this but it really helps me.

 

good post JL

[JaydaLeah]

 

Is your SO jealous?

 

Do you talk to him about these feelings that you have?

Why are they happening daily?

 

So far, no, he hasnt exactly been jealous over me and any guy coz the guys i hang out with, he knows them too. Although at the beginning of our LDR, he has constantly felt insecure and that i might fall for another guy.

 

But he has never made a "fuss" abt it. He has always been very nice and understanding. Which, i often wonder, is he just keeping it all just to maintain the peace between us? I have told him many times that whenever he is not happy abt anything, he must tell me, like how i would tell him too. Thus far, i have been the one tellin him about my insecurities. We had a talk last wk and i told him abt the communication part. When i dont hear from him for sometime, it makes me insecure and he told me he will take note.

 

The thing about me is that, when ever i "vent" it off by tellin him, i will feel better. And he does make an effort abt it. Then time goes by, and this week, for some weird reason, i felt uncomfortable abt him and this girl his been hanging out with. She even asked him to join her for a coldplay concert. I joked abt it to him and he said it isnt really a date request or anything and his not going coz the ticks are too expensive. Then there's this time they went on a volunteer work programme with his sis n bf. And everyone thought they were a couple coz the 4 of them came together in a car...gawd.

 

The thing is, they never went out one-on-one, but they always hang out either with his sis n bf (sounds freaking like a dbl date!!) or with some other friends. I still believe there is nothing going on, but i certainly dont have a gd feeling abt it. This, is eating my sanity away... Still tryin to apply my theory to myself!

[Nicodaemos]

or however its spelled, I know how you feel about that. I have spent most my life in solitude, so those that I spend my time with are few and not in little ways. With the woman I love, she is different, she has a large group of friends, very outgoing, and quite opposite me in the social scene. When we first met, eesh, she is just a wildfire, waay to much for me, but we ended up involved anyway.

 

I say that so you know where I can relate to. She sends me pics of her and other guys, hugging each other and smiling, laughing. I feel sad that im not him, and angry for the same reason as well as that she is giving her attention to another guy. But it is short, and happens less. I am a jealous type, but, when she tells me, he is just a friend I have, nothing between us, then that is what it is. That is what I choose to believe. The alternative, is being worried and paranoid.

 

It has been a hard time for me to let that go of myself. But, I mostly have, and am so much better for it. When I see the pictures of her and others, it does not really bother for me, cause I see it, and say, yes, even aloud if I havent seen her for a while, that she tells me he is just friend, nothing to worry about. If you cant believe what your other tells you, what can you? So I choose to believe what she says, not to say that I wont keep an eye out for things, I have been in a realationship where she was unfaithful, even saw things to indicate it, but didnt believe.

 

Im not saying it has been easy to let this insecurity go, quite hard, especially when other people say that they look so much like a couple and such, but, I also understand that your man is a lucky one to have that close friend, not to replace you, but maybe to help him in the inevitable times when people in LDR cant commune with each other. She may not be someone to be jealous of, but rather to be thankful for. She can offer that slight bit of female companionship that nature craves, but not so much that you have to worry about. Its not so much a double date, but rather just a way for him to keep calm, and finding a way to not just survive, but be able so smile between the times he spends with you.

 

Not everyone is the same, and in LDR, there is the added element of extremely different upbrining. Knowing that, and that you can see your frustration is good, you see the problem and know the nature of it, meaning you know how to defeat it. Hard it most likely will be. But it has given me peace out here, cause she said it is how it is, thats how it is. done. Hope you can find help in this, and hope things work with yall.

[UKtom]

hey, i can TOTALLY relate to what you are speaking about. the fact is that i have never met the woman who i am in an LDR with. although we have been in it for 2 years now... it has been a rolla-coaster also with many high ups and many low downs. i consider her to be my soulmate (if she is who i think she is) we talk every day ranging from 3 hours to 8 hours on skype etc. we go on cam so we know how we look and we consider to be physically attracted to each other. we are both uni students so we have little money and haven't had a great deal of time to make the trip. o yea maybe it is worth daying i am from england and she lives in italy. but she speaks very good english. i am sure she could give many people hee a run for their money with this language lol.

but going back to what you said, i am an over active thinker anyway, but this just makes it a whole lot worse. i was not paranoid exactly for mayb ethe first 6 months. then i started to suspect her, to become very jealous and distrusting. it is a torture, especially as she is the most meaningful girl i have ever had in my life. i have had long term relationships in this country with girls, but having her even though she is thousands of miles away, has been better than any one of them. i find it near enough impossible to stop thinking and stressing over it, i make up a million and one stories in my head to what she could be doing, or where she is. even though she is very good at keeping in contact and stuff, i still think she could be very sly and lying. i wish i could know for sure what she was doing. but as you said, fate is the true player in all of this, if it happens it happens. but i would rather know because i could not be in a relationship where i commit so much and feel so much for her when she is lying and the feelings are not mutual. if she was any other girl i would have left this relationship by now.

i was wondering randomly what star sign you are leah because it could say a lot about how you react in this situation...

[Island Girl]

I am just so different from those of you here.

 

Perhaps because of starting in person, because of my nature, or because we did come through a previous problem relating to trust in the beginning.

I don't know.

 

But in the beginning there was much I did to confirm my trust was not being placed in error.

He had his own fears of course but I think it was I who asked for "backup" the most.

 

For instance, on his side, if I was with a friend of mine and he called he'd ask to say "hi" to them. I had no problem with this because evryone who knows me knows about him. It is part of how I keep him "present" here. I talk about him or us the same as other people talk of their husband or family life.

Once - when I was driving to go meet an old friend to walk our dogs together (he knew her from being here) he called and when I told him what I was doing he asked that I call him back when I was with her so he could say "hi" to her - because he hadn't talked to her in a while.

Now I know his reasoning was to make sure that I really was with my friend and not someone else. But I had no problem doing that for him.

I knew it would help to put his mind at ease.

 

There have been a lot of times like those back and forth over the years. Not really anymore - I guess because we've come through so much and proved so much to each other through circumstances and time.

 

But all of you here seem to be more trusting than I ever was. I kind of feel like a control freak now.

 

I suppose I shouldn't apologize or feel terrible because we have made it through a hell of a long time and we're still just as dedicated. So it was right for us probably is the right way to look at it.

[JaydaLeah]

i was wondering randomly what star sign you are leah because it could say a lot about how you react in this situation...

 

Im a capricorn. hehe.. well, i dont exactly believe in stars and signs... but from what i heard from my friends over the years, i do have some capri-traits. =)

 

One thing that kept me from making a fuss abt my insecurities, is that once the gal make known abt an issue, the guy will tend to keep harsh in regards to anything abt it in future. For eg, if i voice out my insecurities about this girl he's been hanging out with, even though they are just friends, he might tend to NOT mention abt her or tell me anything abt her. Eg if they go out in a grp, he might name everyone but her.

 

Im not saying men are liars, but i think its basic instinct to want to hide it away knowing your gf is not happy abt it? It takes courage to keep it open. Shrugs? Which is why, unless its an issue big enough for me to voice out and put my foot down, i'll probably keep low. Just not to make any unnecessary "alerts". hehe.

 

Ok, bottom line is that, if a person wants to cheat, or lie, or walk away, its all beyond our control! Sigh~

[Nicodaemos]

Voice the insecurities you have. One of the many things that go through my mind is that i didnt find out till after everything went to crap that she had thought there were other women. That she thought i really didnt care. at first, it didnt bother her, but it kept chipping away, and it got to a point that it was so stuck in her, she couldnt believe me when i said there was nobody else, and that i cared for her more than anyone i ever have. It festered, sat there and got rooted into her head. Dont let that happen. If it bothers you, say it. If he is the kind of guy that hides things, maybe you should rethink it. But, would you hide men from him, even though they werent anything, but a friend? Dont hide the concern, voice the insecurities, and get them taken care of before they get any worse.

[Rollercoasterr]

There's nothing in this world that's going to stop a person from lying or cheating if that's what they really wanted to do. And there's nothing in this world that's going to change a serial cheater to a non-cheater, either. Basically, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen. The trick about it is to make SURE you've found a good guy/girl, trust slowly, and learn to trust them as well.

 

Honestly, when I was with my ex he didn't trust me not one bit. Had I ever cheated or thought about it? Heck no. I'm not that person. I'd break up with him first. But because all he did was accuse me and not trust me, it made me WANT to cheat on him, just so I could see what all that hype was about. I didn't, of course, and the relationship ended because after about 2 years of this accusing and crap I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Now my fiance(I love saying that) and I have a very very trusting and loving relationship and no one understands why. You would just have to be here to see the way this man is with me. There could(and have been) be times where a straight out perfect-10 model type girl would come walking in the room, and all he's looking at is me with those adoring eyes. He doesn't even flinch or bat an eyelash when some girl in a skimpy outfit walks by him, either. And no matter what, if he's talking to a girl you best believe he's talking about me and things he wants to do for me. I've never asked him to do this, or ever pressured him into it either. I've given this man free-reign and look at what he's done. Some other men I know would have been out screwing anything that looked like a girl, especially if their girlfriend were 1000 miles away.

 

I think that insecurities should be heard by both parties, and I think that those insecurities should be followed. You don't need to make any more strain on a LDR by being a poohead and making your SO feel jealous and crazy all the time. And yes, I did say poohead.

[JaydaLeah]

i reckon when my insecurities get too overwhelming, i'll probably voice it out... sigh, this green eye monster is making life hell for me. Heart and head.. never a team are they? Sigh... hate this hate this!! This wkend the "whole grp" is going for a short getaway. I dont know if she's going too but my gut feeling tells me she is. And im not feeling gd abt it. Yet i know, there's nothing i can do abt it. Its antagonising... i'll probably tell him abt what im feeling when his back.. =(

[Island Girl]

I guess this shows a huge difference and probably why I've been able to do this for so long.

 

My husband lives on an island with a small population.

 

A lot of the people there are relatives - "cousins" - it seems everyone is a cousin! So knowing his family ad being able to hunt him down at times or know what is going on there has been our saving grace.

 

Of course we have our own ways of keeping each other's insecurities at bay but on my side I haven't had to deal with a "normal" or traditional situation.

 

He has. But I am older, I don't "hang out", etc. So that has made it easier for him.

 

Had I been in the same circumstances this whole time you are JaydaLeah, I'm not sure I wouldn't be crazy with jealousy either.

In fact I know I would be.