clintsgirl Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I'm 29 and he's 31, we've been together for over 3 yrs, and have lived together for 2. For the first yr or so it was pretty much everyday. I'm not stupid i knew it wasn't going to be like that for ever, but i never imagined it would be this bad. I've known he is a porn watcher, which it never bothered me before, till now. I know he's not cheating. He's been laid off for months now, and his days consist of getting up at noon, internet, xbox, porn, etc. For over a yr now, on bedroom life has been some oral once a month, and maybe a couple of "normal" sessions which end in oral. And everytime i ask (yes so sad i have to ask for sex), he's all gun hoe for later in the evening, but of course, that's when he's to tired, or drank to much. He knows how strongly i feel about this, it has gotten to the point where it consumes my mind pretty much all day, i'm not nice about it anymore, i get angry, i say sarcastic things (never about his man hood, cause i love him and am still extremely attractive to him), just things about me taking care of myself and its sad i dont get any. Things aren't changing, and i dont know what to do, cause i cannot live my life like this. He still tells me he loves me and how beautiful i am, which is sweet, it just doesnt make up for the no intimacy. It's killing me. I've never cheated on him, i love him, i dont know what else to do w/out losing a man i love.
gopher Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 He sounds like he is suffering from depression, most like stemming from the job situation. Have you suggested he see a Dr. or counselor?
voldigicam Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Depressed porn addict. Needs help bad. If my SO wants sex and I don't feel like it, then she gets sex and it's good and she doesn't know I wasn't in the mood. Comes (so to speak) with the territory. Get him help, intervention, or whatever. Might take something violent. Probably can't lick the porn completely. Agree on access times. And get him looking for and finding a job or a business to run.
MotherGooze Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 He is depressed as others have mentioned. Have you asked him how he has been feeling lately, and not only towards sex of course. There must be more. My ex also watched porn but that didn't make his sex drive lower or anything. I would surely ask him how he has been feeling lately. You can tell him that you're worried but choose your words carefully. A depressed person isn't gonna tell you easely they have problems. You might want to try something like: " I have a feeling that you have been a bit down lately." If you use the 'I have a feeling' trick, you only make a suggestion, without actually putting too much pressure on him.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 He's been laid off for months now, and his days consist of getting up at noon, internet, xbox, porn, etc. I suspect that he sees sex as another obligation that sends him further down the spiral. The ability to work, provide and have a title so to speak are more important to men that you may think. If he has lost all three, then he is floundering badly, I suspect. He needs some serious help. Sex is the least of his problems. The lack of sex is not the problem - it is a symptom of it. If you focus on a symptom, and not the cause - nothing will change. He needs to get to a point where he admits that he needs some help for his depression and then you can go from there.
Author clintsgirl Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 I suspect that he sees sex as another obligation that sends him further down the spiral. The ability to work, provide and have a title so to speak are more important to men that you may think. If he has lost all three, then he is floundering badly, I suspect. He needs some serious help. Sex is the least of his problems. The lack of sex is not the problem - it is a symptom of it. If you focus on a symptom, and not the cause - nothing will change. He needs to get to a point where he admits that he needs some help for his depression and then you can go from there. i totally agree with you, and i should of mentioned in my post he is on zoloft and he has been for almost 3 yrs when his father past away suddenly. every body is right about the job thing, when i mention something to him about it he just gets upset. we had a talk last night about the "no sex", and he says he knows he is the problem for it and he will work on it. that when i make sacrastic remarks to him about it, ex: i take care of myself, or comments about not getting any, he said that hurts his manhood and he doesnt pick on my personal faults. i understand what he is saying about manhood, but its like that for a women as well, when he is watching porn, and we have no intimacy, how is that suppose to make me feel? I'm really worried its going to get to the point where i just dont even want it anymore, and someone might give me the attention im craving for. i say i would never cheat on him, cause he is my love, i'm just scared i wont beable to stop my needs/wants. thank u for your advice
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 There is nothing wrong with you having wants and needs, and speaking up about them. However... that when i make sacrastic remarks to him about it, ex: i take care of myself, or comments about not getting any this isn't the way to go about it. All that does is simply send him further down, and want sex with you even less than he does now. You are both suffering from the problems he is having. He needs to get some help before you can begin to get through to him on your wants and needs. He may want to consider switching off of Zoloft and seeing if he can get prescribed something that will break this funk - Zoloft is notorious for causing a loss of libido. If he has already lost it, the Zoloft won't help it at all.
gopher Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Also, Zoloft will decrease the sex drive in some people.
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