Is there a way to restore a marriage without ever rocking the boat?

[NewSunrise]

-He swears he's a changed man now ().

-He is only going to be home for several weeks this year, so it does give me time to do the soul searching you speak of.

-I am scared to make a mistake, of leaving him, just in case this time he really has turned over a new leaf. I have always loved him. Still do, except this time I believe I can walk away from him if I decide to. Sure would if he would only admit he's a lying cheat and will never change his ways ... but he's not going to say that is he?

-I admire a lot of things about him, but not his cheating lying ways. He has a lot of good traits. He's not a clear cut case of 'get rid of him' despite his sister, brother, mother, sister in laws, my brother all telling me to do so... my mom says not to. His dad hopes for his son to change his ways. These are all people who know him. My children have told me to leave him, even though they love him.

-I don't know if I will find a man that I will love like this one, I don't think I will. Then what? My dad died when I was young, and my mother at age 39 never remarried and is still on her own at 74... I don't want that... I don't want to trade my H in for another man or Nobody. I cannot see how its possible another man would love me, and I him... His sister keeps on telling me to leave and I would find someone else, but all around me I see people in marriages that appear to have 'settled' and I am afraid of having to settle with someone.

-I know I could date, but I don't know about the finding real love again part. I thought this was the man I would be with always.

- Time will tell, I will give it this year. I will get a career going, finish up post graduate studies, and do that soul-searching... If I could have one wish, funny -- I have had this wish for the last 23 years -- it would be to be with my H, happy and in love, and married. But I have not been happy when he was having all his affairs. I have come to the conclusion that I have been too nice. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You mess with me, I am going to mess with you.

-Bottom line is I am stuck.

Your post is really sad, Athena.

 

I also thought my xWS was my soulmate. He played the perfect husband, friend, son, brother to all who knew him. In the end, his true colors emerged. He swore on his mother's life (his mother was dying of cancer) he wasn't cheating and lying. But caught him. His mother died a month later.

 

You're not stuck. You choose to be where you are. FEAR is debilitating causes you to "settle". FEAR causes you to be handicapped. Fear is an excuse to not grow and explore.

 

Being married to your H represents security. That's why a lot of BS look the other way when their WS cheats or remain in abusive relationships/M. They're afraid to be alone. They are afraid they can't make it on their own. Your post speaks volume of the level of your self-confidence. Remember that what you extract from within is how people perceive you which also determines who you attract and how they treat you including your H. Especially your husband.

 

Yes, you do need to do some soul searching. There is no guarantee in life. But as long as you allow your fear to dictate and navigate your life, you will never see and experience the horizon beyond from where you stand.

 

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND. BUT I CAN CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF MY SAIL"

 

Redefine yourself. Rewire your thinking. Change your sails for you, not for your marriage or H. Your H will either be truthful or unfaithful. Your marriage will either last another 20 years or not.

[Athena]

Your post is really sad, Athena.

Thank you for your thoughts.

You are right, it is a sad post. And I guess my self-confidence has gone too. That obviously is ONE point against staying in any marriage with a CS. Yes I am procrastinating, but even worse I allow myself to be depressed, paralyzed to making that Decision, because its easier to ignore it 'for now' then have to rip off the proverbial Band-Aid.

 

Redefine yourself. Rewire your thinking. Change your sails for you, not for your marriage or H. Your H will either be truthful or unfaithful. Your marriage will either last another 20 years or not.

Did you manage to do this? How did you do it. Did you get remarried, how long has it been since you divorced? Do you experience that Fear you mentioned above?

 

And -- when you advise me to rewire my thinking (how true) and redefine myself (not as a BS, but as a woman) I think I get that, but what do you mean by the last two sentences? Do you mean I should do things for myself and ignore whether H is faithful or not. What do you mean M will either last or not? -- are you suggesting I divorce, or not, its not really clear.

[NewSunrise]

Did you manage to do this? How did you do it. Did you get remarried, how long has it been since you divorced? Do you experience that Fear you mentioned above?

Divorce was finalized in 07. Fear of being alone crossed my mind often through out. It was worse because I was recovering from a surgery that put me out of work for nearly two years. Injured on the job with fractured bone/cartilage on my ankle. Desperately wanted to go back to work, but couldn't. Doc wanted to do another surgery requiring cartialge implant from my good leg. Refused to do it. Only source of income was through workmans comp. During that time, I decided I would rather be alone than be taken for a fool and spend the rest of my life w/someone you can no longer trust or respect.

 

To redefine myself, I volunteered for an animal organization and became their corporate sponsor chairperson. Secured sponsors from major corporations. It was the most successful year this organization ever had. Six months later, I went back to work. The D cost me money I didn't have. But you make do with what you have.

 

I've dated since. Best friend of 13 years who have seen me go through my divorce asked if I'd consider dating him. Immediately declined, but reconsidered months later. But learned early on, we weren't met for each other. So I made the decision to reasess myself and where I want to be----alone.

 

For the first time in my life, I am very much comfortable and content being alone. While my friends work really hard prepping themselves to get dates, I don't. That alone is redefining in itself. I am doing things that gives me pleasure that I would not have otherwise done. I'm buying a house, going back to painting and writing. This year, I'm turning the big 5-0 (!!! but don't feel it!!) and taking my sister on a Mediterranean cruise.

 

Been asked on dates even by...ahem...younger men. Once I was talking to a handsome Irish soccer chap in his mid 20's for my niece on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. Instead he asked me to go to Ireland and watch him play soccer. I declined and told him I was old enough to be his mother! :D LOL!!! If HIS mother only knew!:D. I am having fun alone.

 

When I said:

Redefine yourself. Rewire your thinking. Change your sails for you, not for your marriage or H. Your H will either be truthful or unfaithful. Your marriage will either last another 20 years or not.

What I mean by this is that your marriage shouldn't define you. This is the trap most women especially BS unknowingly and unconsciously get themselves into. They lose themselves in the marriage, often compromising/sacrificing to accomodate the marriage and their H. They put themselves last.

 

Your kids are grown. You have no other excuse when it comes to redefining who you are, what you want and where you want to be. If anything else, do it out of necessity and for your own security.

[Athena]

 

When I said:

 

What I mean by this is that your marriage shouldn't define you. This is the trap most women especially BS unknowingly and unconsciously get themselves into. They lose themselves in the marriage, often compromising/sacrificing to accomodate the marriage and their H. They put themselves last.

 

Your kids are grown. You have no other excuse when it comes to redefining who you are, what you want and where you want to be. If anything else, do it out of necessity and for your own security.

 

NewSunrise,

Thank you for sharing your story here. I am glad to see how it can be done -- what you did -- and you survive, nay, flourish!

 

I have been thinking about what you wrote. Especially about the marriage not defining me (any longer), and having no other excuse Not to go ahead to redefining me. I thank you, and I am going to move ahead. This Monday I will be phoning to make an apt. with a Divorce Attorney to see what's what. It's a big first step for me, since I have never done this before, in all the dozen years of infidelity. You are right -- I have no other excuse -- I am going ahead to find out my options, and make my own plans. I am going to take charge of my life and stop 'reacting' to what H does in our M. I am not a victim. I have many options and I finally realize that I don't need to be in 'Stuck' mode, waiting for H's next move, while I wilt away.

 

Thanks again for sharing and opening up, and touching me. That's why I come to these boards.