Is there a way to restore a marriage without ever rocking the boat?

[pelicanpreacher]

After reading several threads I wonder if there is a way to restore a marriage after the discovery of a WS's infidelity without ever confronting the cheater in any meaningful way? I understand the perspective of certain BSs in that they truly love their spouses and wish to reconcile the relationship without alienating or causing further damage to the marriage. I also realize that the BS recognizes that the relationship is so deeply and seriously flawed that it may be too fragile to attempt forceful action or consequences to the WS but is there a strategy they must employ under this approach to garner success? What can one do under these circumstances?

[NoIDidn't]

Sounds pointless. What is the point of staying married and walking around on egg shells all the time?

 

I don't think its possible to not rock the boat and stay married after discovering infidelity unless one is just biding their time until they plan to make a dramatic exit.

[Athena]

(...) without ever confronting the cheater in any meaningful way?

 

I also realize that the BS recognizes that the relationship is so deeply and seriously flawed (...)

 

I don't think that the 'relationship is so deeply and seriously flawed' in every case of cheating. What about where the WS is just a cake-eater? Mine was.

 

Also, I do think -- in my case-- that it would have been possible to resume (not restore, since there wasn't our marriage to blame, but rather H's actions) our marriage after the first D-day. EXCEPT in our case, he chose to go on and have several more affairs (such as he did in his previous marriage to another wife) -- SO -- I think my husband couldn't be faithful because of HIM being deeply and seriously flawed -- as opposed to OUR marriage!

 

If only he hadn't continued to cheat, then I could have pointed to our example and said, "See -- I didn't confront him, and we are doing fine"... except H took this lack of consequences as an implicit form of permission to go ahead and take risks in his marriage, since his wife wasn't going to get rid of him.

 

I think people cheat for different reasons. The people who cheat because of unhappy marriages and hateful spouses, or indifferent spouses or spouses who don't meet their needs might be able to answer your question. But in MY case, our marriage was not at fault (ie our relationship was fine) rather, it was HIM. So -- what good is my confrontation, or lack of it, going to do when the problem resides in him?

Heck, I would have to be a trained professional to have made a dent with him. Even then I doubt anyone can be changed if they don't want to change.

[Spark1111]

I think it depends on how you define "Marriage." If it is truly an intimate, passionate partnership, then boat-rocking is a neccessary ingredient in effective communications and to dispose of what is stagnating and growing complacent in a relationship.

 

If you define marriage as a partnership, where two people reside together, pay bills, rear children, host holidays or adhere to whatever the rules of the partnership is, well then no.

 

It depends on how each person defines the relationship. Boat-rocking may be disallowed by both partners who want to maintain the status quo and are content with what is, as being good enough.

 

Haven't seen to many of them posting at LS, though.

[NewSunrise]

Marriage is a marriage no matter how you slice it. Sure, no marriage or relationship is perfect. But when infidelity is injected into it, rocking the boat is a given. "Rocking the marriage" is the aftermath. You can't restore a marriage by going around it. Both BS and WS must go through it.

 

Too often as it was in my case, the BS who wants to hang on end up having to walk on egg shells all the while trying to figure out and fulfill the WS needs.

I also realize that the BS recognizes that the relationship is so deeply and seriously flawed that it may be too fragile to attempt forceful action or consequences to the WS but is there a strategy they must employ under this approach to garner success?

I have to disagree on this one PB. The BS is usually the last one to know that the M is "flawed".

 

In my case, I've communicated and pleaded to my xWS that if there was ever a time that he was not happy with me or our M that he let me know so that we can work on it and to not cheat on me. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I love you. I would never do that to you." Well...so much for that promise...

 

It begs to reason that those who CHOOSE to cheat are perhaps "flawed" in the first place.

 

It's easy to quickly assume that when one spouse chooses to cheat, the affair is a "symptom" of what is wrong with the M. Yet, the BS who chose not to cheat no matter how "flawed" the M end up holding what is left by the WS and now must do what s/he can do to preserve the M while the WS continue the cake eating.

 

Let's face it, it's one thing if all efforts to help a spouse recover from alcohol addiction, but to wean him/her from an affair is another. A BS must figure out at what point will s/he be willing to endure until enough is enough.

 

Done the counseling. XWS continued to lie and cheat even to MC. Divorce was the only BEST left thing to do. After $16K of lawyer's fees, D was finalized in 2007.

 

Since then, xWS has emailed me to wish me happy birthday, asked former neighbors about me. All ignored. Go figure....

 

I think "rocking the boat" should be redefined as "conflicts". Resolving conflicts varies from one R/M and individual to another. Those who do not have the skills to resolve conflicts run away resulting in affairs. Sooner or later, those conflicts are eventually resolved one way or another.

[65tr6]

After reading several threads I wonder if there is a way to restore a marriage after the discovery of a WS's infidelity without ever confronting the cheater in any meaningful way?

Are you saying both spouses know about the cheating and they dont want to talk about it or BS knows and WS does not know that BS knows ?

 

Depends on the individuals but in my case I had to the rock the boat real hard...infact tip it over to make sure there is nothing else underneath. There is no way I could even attempt to reconcile without rocking. If a good marriage is based on truth, honesty, communication why would you not rock the boat ? for fear of damage it could cause to WS/BS ? or to their relationship ?

 

I truely want to reconcile BUT there are rules...one of them being complete truth and honesty. Otherwise it is meaningless. Might as well say good-bye.

[Athena]

there are rules...one of them being complete truth and honesty.

 

Yes, truth and honesty is needed but in itself, not enough. The WS has to do more than just provide all the relevant facts about the affair -- the WS has to want to stop committing infidelity and have it in them to actually do this. Its not always possible for a cheating spouse to stop forever, even when he/she has told the truth about the last affair. Testament to this is my h -- eventually he tells the truthful facts, but so far that hasn't guaranteed his stopping his affairs. The only time things Looked different, was the last time when I told him I was done and was going to divorce him -- Suddenly that pending loss was enough to make him stop (?! but who really knows?)

[Trialbyfire]

That's an interesting question and as an ex-BW, something I can't imagine a betrayed being capable of doing. It would require an inhuman will and a lack of caring for the WS. With this in mind, why bother if you don't care?

 

Having said all that, you can play the fear of loss aspect. A long-term partner knows, should know, or can find out what their spouse's triggers are, within limits. So...the question is, what does the WS value the most within the marriage and yourself? If you can nail down what that/those are, you can start to destabilize the WSs comfort level, to draw back focus onto you and the marriage. Also, if you can figure out what the OW/OM is providing, you can feed that aspect.

[NewSunrise]

stop (?! but who really knows?)

Your gut instinct usually always knows...

[NewSunrise]

Yes, truth and honesty is needed but in itself, not enough.

Yep. Additionally, WS perfected the art of lying, cheating and manipulation.

 

Deciphering and separating the difference what is truth of a WS's story of the A depends largely on how much the BS wants to fight for the BS and the M while the WS endulges him/herself in cake eating.

 

To not rock the boat is as good as giving your WS the permission to continue his/her wayward ways.

[LakesideDream]

Tough question, and the short answer is I doubt it. If the WS is allowed to continue in the relationship without having to take responsibility for their cheating behavior, what is their motivation to correct that behavior? Sadly, being human they are much more likely to continue that behavior in the future. No consequence, no reluctance to "give it another go".

 

Then their is the resentment the Betrayed Spouse is bound to experiance. Lack of trust, smugness.

 

No, I don't know that a marriage can be "rebuilt" without disclosure. Of course if it's just continuing in the marriage, hoping that it won't happen again is the goal, then your answer is as old as relationships. Just pretend it didn't happen and continue with your life.

 

We've been around and round BirdClergy... and I believe I have a bit of experiance to bring to your question. This is exactly the situation a "certain" MW I know has been in for many years. I also know that the marriage she has stayed in is a sham, and is being continued for reasons other than "love" or loyalty. In some cases honesty isn't as important stability, happiness less important than maintaining the status quo that we know. I can't imagine you are one of those people.... say it ain't so!

[Athena]

Sadly, being human they are much more likely to continue that behavior in the future. No consequence, no reluctance to "give it another go".

 

What's really sad is that the wandering spouse lacks the inbuilt ability to stop that behavior in the future, without having his/her own personal policeman/spouse!

Why the hell am I -- betrayed spouse, supposed to be the one to Give Him Severe Consequences that make him become faithful in a supposedly monogamous relationship -- a marriage. Who made me the bad cop? I have my own $hit to take care of!

[Athena]

Furthermore, if the WS is incapable of making the necessary changes for him/her-self to stop any future infidelities, then the answer, Pelican, is that the BS NEEDS to rock the boat!

[pelicanpreacher]

Though I'm in agreement with everyone here (for I'm known for circling the wagons and putting a swift boot to all serpents from my Garden of Eden, LOL) I still recognize that others may not share the same viewpoint and wanted to be sure that I've left no rocks unturned in examining the issue!

[Athena]

So.... here's an additional angle: On the Infidelity board, another thread entitled "I'm a married woman that loves my family but has a crush on my professor" Post 11 shows a CH who quit his affair and vowed never to have another one. To date, he has kept this vow -- from late 2005 up to and including now 2009. He did not tell his BW about the affair, in case she divorced him then, or later.

 

This got me thinking -- a lot of us on these boards advocate severe "consequences" for the WS so as to make sure they have a reason to not go down that path again.

And yet, here is a man that didn't need external factors to discipline him, he did it himself.

 

If a BS were faced with the option of 1) Your WS tells you about the affair, but may in the future stray again

2) Your WS does not tell you about the affair, but never cheats again.

 

Which is better? Truth (which most of us BS seem to want) or Action (become monogamous/ faithful).

[Owl]

Which is MORE LIKELY?

 

1. Someone does something bad, gets away with it, but decides to never do it again anyway.

 

2. Someone does something bad, gets caught, suffers a consequence for the action that causes them to truly see how their actions hurt others and themselves, and then decides to never do it again.

 

 

If your answer is #1, then I'd ask if you ever punished your children for bad behavior (i.e...grounded for breaking curfew/lying/whatever)?

 

There's a REASON why we do things. There's a reason why you "punish" someone for actions that are destructive.

 

I'd suggest that the H you're referring to also remained faithful for a COUPLE of years...he may simply have not been tempted to cheat again in that timeframe.

[Athena]

Yes, I have punished my children for bad behaviour, and given them consequences for their choices. They are now 18 and 21 years old and are lovely young adults, well turned out.

However -- my husband is not my child... it is horrible to have to think I failed to get him to change his wandering ways! Am I not responsible for MY morality, and he for his?

 

I have blamed myself in the past, for not giving him consequences, but at other times I get angry that he places me in this policeman/jury/judge position as he is a grown man and should be able to do the right thing himself.

Yes, he has seen how his actions have caused me hurt and pain -- but sadly, the ONLY way he is going to 'get it' is if/when HE FEELS THE HURT AND PAIN HIMSELF... that is how he operates/works/understands.

 

Meh, I guess I am personalizing this...

 

 

There's a REASON why we do things. There's a reason why you "punish" someone for actions that are destructive.

 

 

So I am going to have to punish H severely enough to make him feel pain and learn his lesson to not take the same destructive actions? No wonder some BS just walk away... what a horrible position to find yourself in -- responsible for the WS turnaround, so if they never change, BS fails in that quest.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Going through the motions without the hard work means absolutely nothing!

 

If you dont go through the fire to make it work and rebuild it. it will probably fail, sooner or later. WS's need to put the work in and work for their BS's if they dont next time it might be the BS's that might be doing some creeping.

[Athena]

WS's need to put the work in and work for their BS's if they dont next time it might be the BS's that might be doing some creeping.

 

LOL -- that would be something of a wake-up call for serial cheaters because, you know, they are most likely narcissistic and would go crazy thinking their belonging (W) was with another man!

[Chrome Barracuda]

LOL -- that would be something of a wake-up call for serial cheaters because, you know, they are most likely narcissistic and would go crazy thinking their belonging (W) was with another man!

 

I've seen many things. lol. it is what it is.

[michelangelo]

The set of answers possible is far more than 1 or 2.

 

For example,

 

3. Someone does something bad, gets caught, decides the consequences are worth figuring out how to continue doing the bad thing by being far more deceptive--knowing that the "punisher" cannot fathom such treachery.

 

 

Which is MORE LIKELY?

 

1. Someone does something bad, gets away with it, but decides to never do it again anyway.

 

2. Someone does something bad, gets caught, suffers a consequence for the action that causes them to truly see how their actions hurt others and themselves, and then decides to never do it again.

 

 

If your answer is #1, then I'd ask if you ever punished your children for bad behavior (i.e...grounded for breaking curfew/lying/whatever)?

 

There's a REASON why we do things. There's a reason why you "punish" someone for actions that are destructive.

 

I'd suggest that the H you're referring to also remained faithful for a COUPLE of years...he may simply have not been tempted to cheat again in that timeframe.

[Athena]

The set of answers possible is far more than 1 or 2.

 

For example,

 

3. Someone does something bad, gets caught, decides the consequences are worth figuring out how to continue doing the bad thing by being far more deceptive--knowing that the "punisher" cannot fathom such treachery.

 

Damn straight! Seen THIS one, first hand.

 

Okay, so then what do you do?

[angie2443]

Damn straight! Seen THIS one, first hand.

 

Okay, so then what do you do?

 

Then you leave and never look back!

 

It is one thing to stay with someone who learns from their mistakes and takes measures to make sure that the mistakes won't happen again. To stay with someone who chooses to continue to do something abusive to you makes no sense.

[NewSunrise]

Damn straight! Seen THIS one, first hand.

Okay, so then what do you do?

 

angie2443

Then you leave and never look back!

Did it! And I couldn't be happier. Your kids are now adults. You've raised them well. You're not responsible for your WH inability to be a responsible and respectful adult nor is it your responsibility to "punish" him for his stupidity.

 

ATHENA -You've got two options:

 

1. You can continue the status quo

 

OR

 

2. Live your life for yourself not for someone else.

 

Too often, most BS find themselves in stage 2. Be careful. Don't stay in this stage too long. Do some soul searching and reasess your life and self worth. Figure out how much more are you willing to sacrifice/compromise your self-worth for your WS. Picture yourself without your WS. What is your next stage in life without him? Or would your life be meaningless and worthless without him?

 

Think about it.

[Athena]

 

ATHENA -You've got two options:

 

1. You can continue the status quo

 

OR

 

2. Live your life for yourself not for someone else.

 

Too often, most BS find themselves in stage 2. Be careful. Don't stay in this stage too long. Do some soul searching and reasess your life and self worth. Figure out how much more are you willing to sacrifice/compromise your self-worth for your WS. Picture yourself without your WS. What is your next stage in life without him? Or would your life be meaningless and worthless without him?

 

Think about it.

 

-He swears he's a changed man now ().

-He is only going to be home for several weeks this year, so it does give me time to do the soul searching you speak of.

-I am scared to make a mistake, of leaving him, just in case this time he really has turned over a new leaf. I have always loved him. Still do, except this time I believe I can walk away from him if I decide to. Sure would if he would only admit he's a lying cheat and will never change his ways ... but he's not going to say that is he?

-I admire a lot of things about him, but not his cheating lying ways. He has a lot of good traits. He's not a clear cut case of 'get rid of him' despite his sister, brother, mother, sister in laws, my brother all telling me to do so... my mom says not to. His dad hopes for his son to change his ways. These are all people who know him. My children have told me to leave him, even though they love him.

-I don't know if I will find a man that I will love like this one, I don't think I will. Then what? My dad died when I was young, and my mother at age 39 never remarried and is still on her own at 74... I don't want that... I don't want to trade my H in for another man or Nobody. I cannot see how its possible another man would love me, and I him... His sister keeps on telling me to leave and I would find someone else, but all around me I see people in marriages that appear to have 'settled' and I am afraid of having to settle with someone.

-I know I could date, but I don't know about the finding real love again part. I thought this was the man I would be with always.

- Time will tell, I will give it this year. I will get a career going, finish up post graduate studies, and do that soul-searching... If I could have one wish, funny -- I have had this wish for the last 23 years -- it would be to be with my H, happy and in love, and married. But I have not been happy when he was having all his affairs. I have come to the conclusion that I have been too nice. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You mess with me, I am going to mess with you.

-Bottom line is I am stuck.