A question of trust

[judo]

I will make this as short as possible. I have been married almost 20 years, and now looking back over most of it, it is rare I need or choose to "lean" on my husband for support or to take control of things. I grew up basically taking care of myself and knowing if I wanted it done I did it.

So now the drama....Over the past two years my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer terminal...he became angry and bitter. He pushed away everyone who cared about him and turned to everyone who had not had anything to do with him for years, his brother and my two estranged sisters....so I am dealing with this total rejection and his illness basically alone while raising my family. I was already feeling slightly upset that I had been going through this by myself, my husband never asking nor just DOING anything without me asking him to help...one Saturday morning, my Uncle comes over and accusses me of stealing my Father's money (he had none, all he had was in his house), my husband just stands there and says NOTHING! It takes me a minute to really digest what he has just said. this is a man who hasnt spoken to his brother (my father) in over 5 years! Seeing my husband isn't going to come to my defense, I promptly tell my Uncle to get the &^%$ out of my house before I have him arrested and to never grace my property again. He leaves! My problem now is I can't seem to get past the event. I feel like my husband left me to fend for myself in the fire. How could he just stand there while I was being accussed of stealing? How could he stand there and say nothing while someone was verbally abusing his wife?? The person he supposedly loves more than life itself?

This has totally effected the way I feel about him, our relationship, and the way I now go about my day. I finally told him it really hurt me and he didn't seem that remorseful about it basically asking what I expected him to do now about it....what kind of apology is this?

Now our marriage has seriously declined in the last 2 years, I feel like I have lost respect for him, I also am angry, and I feel like if I am out here by myself I should just be by myself! It just blows my mind that he just stood there! he said he handled it "his way" when they went out side after I threw my uncle out of the house! How do I know this? Why wouldn't you defend your wife in front of her so you would be her hero?

 

Now it is to the point that we are close to divorce, he simply says I need to "get over it", but how can I? I don't think he is there to protect me or my kids. I can't afford to trust that he will take care of us in a situation if one arises again! So if I am going to be the man in my relationship why do I need him? Espically if he doesn't even get the fact that he failed in my opinion in his duties as a husband/protector?

 

He keeps saying if I don't let my wall down there is no chance, but how can I let the wall down if there is no one there to protect me? This is going to tear things apart but I just don't see how I can afford to give him a chance to stand there while I am attacked again....I thought I married someone who was ready to defend his loved ones, not watch while we defended ourselves!

 

Any ideas?

[judo]

I don't think counseling is the answer only because I know I am not open to the suggestions. I am one who will give you one chance if you blow it I may forgive you but I never truely let you back in again. I don't know why that is but it is how I am.

I just feel that if you care about someone you don't let these things happen. They always seem like they can be prevented if you just consider the person first. Then you make your choice, so you live with it!

I seriously don't think I will EVER let my guard truely down again. I will always in the back of my mind know I have to be my own watch dog.

 

Maybe that is expecting to much of others I don't know but if I can ALWAYS make sure no one hurts you I don't think it's to much for you to do the same for me. Why should I even have to ask?

 

So now I am in this p3attern of just ignoring the elephant in the room, but always taking care of my business myself. This doesnt lead to much respect for my husband...Eventually the others who have landed in this situation, I have just let them go from my life. A former boyfriend who swore to be there when I needed him only to tell me he was busy when my beloved 18 yr old pet passed, so I had to take her myself by myself to bury....he was given his walking papers that week. My siblings who only call when they need something mostly of monetary status, when they were told no more, they started telling others I thought I was better than them etc., so I had to just let them go from my life. If they don't love me for being family do I truely want to keep just putting out to keep their "affection"? Now my husband has managed to join the group.... I just dont think I get past these things...I always give to people and in return I usually get screwed....I just want to find the person who puts me first in everything including defending me when necessary! Is that so much to ask?

 

I don't think therapy will fix this...you are either born with the loyalty or your not...

[carhill]

I grew up basically taking care of myself and knowing if I wanted it done I did it.

 

You taught your H over a long period of time how to treat you and, when the time came and you really needed him, he continued to act in the usual way, based upon years of conditioning.

 

I am an only child and lived alone for many years before getting married. I understand the tendency to just do things yourself. When my mom developed dementia, I looked to my wife for emotional support and, whether due to her psychology or to my conditioning her, she was not there for me. So, weathering a life-altering event alone essentially killed my love for her. It was only with MC that I realized the totality of the dynamic and that my mother's illness was merely a polarization of that dynamic. My wife and I just have a fundamental incompatibility regarding emotional intimacy and support.

 

My female friend called me the other night and vented for over 3 hours on the subject of giving to people and getting screwed. I listened, empathized and suggested to her that, perhaps she should noticed those who do appreciate her and be more selective in her giving. Doubt it will help but the philosophy sure has helped me. I give what I wish, freely and without expectation, and value those who return that energy.

[65tr6]

I don't think therapy will fix this...you are either born with the loyalty or your not...

i agree with you there....but i think the problem is bigger than just that one incident...

 

Let me ask you this...If your husband truely apologizes in the language that convinces you that he is truely sorry for what he had done (or not done), will that magically fix everything between you two ? and your marriage ?

 

In general it seems to me that you are a giver but not getting anything in return. Did you tell your husband that ?

 

You did the right thing by letting him know that it bothered you....let him know it is eating you alive, continue talking to him...Tell him you want things changed. Check with him and set aside a complete day just to talk about this. You and him. No one else. Look him in the eye when you talk to him. Give him a chance. Let him know you are very serious about this.

[Heroic]

So for years you "man up" in the relationship and never need him to and all of a sudden you expect him to break character?

 

WTF?

 

Your perception, your problem.

[judo]

The first response hit me like a slap in the face so did the WTF....You are both very right....

 

I guess I can't "blame" him for doing what has worked for 20 years since I did "teach him how to treat me" and also I was always the "man" ...but by the same token he is a very "macho" man himself and always the knight in shining armor for anyone who needs it,,,the problem was I NEEDED it and he couldnt see it! Didn't even ask about it...the whole year of dealing with my dad and his being sick I kept pushing on with my life and kids to keep the machine running smooth and didn't think I had the right to complain about needing help or a break because I figured if people didn't offer I sure wasn't going to ask them...same with him...i can certainly do it myself we have proof of this...it just would have been nice to see him defend the one he professes to love...

 

Even if I had taught him to let me handle my own...don't you think if someone was in your loved one's face you would get involved?

If one of his family members was attackiing him verbally or physically I would be interupting them to show them the door even if he was too...the fact he just stood there with this stupid look of whatever on his face that got me and left me feeling totally alone...

 

Now if affects me when he says he wants to be there for me take care of me, provide for me etc all the things husbands and wives say to each other I just want to laugh or choke not sure which because I am not believing it,...this is the problem...I don't really think he has the right to say it... I know he isnt going to do it... he has proven this...

 

So I guess I made my own problem in a way but I just think he should have reacted and taken the chance of me rejecting him than to have just stood there...what if it was a violent attack? was I supposed to be attacked while he watched? it just sits bad and I can't shake it

so it affects everything!

 

I think once you lose respect for someone you dont get it back...I think thats my question...how do I get it back?

 

I have two kids who would love to grow up with their dad....4 all together who would be crushed if we split but I just find myself doing more and more without him because I have no desire to be with him as a partner...there is no one else...I just had him as someone who would always protect me and he didn't....simple problem...complex if any answer

 

we have talked about it,..he gets angry and says he did do something but did it "his way" outside AFTER I THREW my uncle out of the house...which makes him seem all the more wimpier to me.how do I know what he said?

hell they could have been on the porch drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette for all I know!

 

It's just sad that 20 years is ending like this but I dont think Ill ever feel like I did!

[Untouchable_Fire]

He keeps saying if I don't let my wall down there is no chance, but how can I let the wall down if there is no one there to protect me? This is going to tear things apart but I just don't see how I can afford to give him a chance to stand there while I am attacked again....I thought I married someone who was ready to defend his loved ones, not watch while we defended ourselves!

Any ideas?

 

What? You need to have your head checked!

 

This was YOUR FAMILY, not his! That is like expecting him to spank someone elses kid!

 

I'm calling Bull**** on this one! You are upset with him over way more than this!

 

Also, If your uncle had physically attacked you... do you honestly think he would have done nothing? That is a Totally different situation. If you can't see that... you are the one with a problem.

 

Your issues are fairly simple. You have unrealistic, even foolish expectations of your husband. You have never shown him that you need him, and he has grown accustomed to not interfering with the way you do things.

 

I would also guess that you tend to be a control freak at times.

 

You need counseling. Very badly. If not for your husband and marriage then for your children.

[jwi71]

it is rare I need or choose to "lean" on my husband for support or to take control of things. I grew up basically taking care of myself and knowing if I wanted it done I did it.

 

I feel like my husband left me to fend for myself in the fire.

and I feel like if I am out here by myself I should just be by myself!

I don't think he is there to protect me or my kids

 

 

You spend twenty years "standing on your own", not leaning on him and then, in one moment, you expect him to suddenly realize you DO need him and act accordingly. I'm also sure that if your uncle had made a threaten physical gesture, your H would react.

 

Don't blame your H for the twenty years of training. Blame yourself.

 

And no, therapy will do you NO good since you don't recognize the problem. Its almost laughable, its HIS problem for the twenty years of YOU not leaning on him.

 

Really...what did you expect?

[Island Girl]

What? You need to have your head checked!

 

This was YOUR FAMILY, not his! That is like expecting him to spank someone elses kid!

 

I'm calling Bull**** on this one! You are upset with him over way more than this!

 

Also, If your uncle had physically attacked you... do you honestly think he would have done nothing? That is a Totally different situation. If you can't see that... you are the one with a problem.

 

Your issues are fairly simple. You have unrealistic, even foolish expectations of your husband. You have never shown him that you need him, and he has grown accustomed to not interfering with the way you do things.

 

I would also guess that you tend to be a control freak at times.

 

You need counseling. Very badly. If not for your husband and marriage then for your children.

 

I completely agree with the above.

 

As far as the situation with Uncle - do you know how many people would come here posting if their husband HAD gotten involved "this was NOT his battle it was MY family and he should have stayed out of it!!"

 

Plenty.

 

This particular situation can be a "damned if I do and damned if I don't".

 

You are angry about a hell of a lot more than this - and you have let things simmer for a VERY long time.

 

I really hope you take a look at some honest therapy. You have issues - and your marriage has issues.

 

You are either going to continue to be part of the problem or you can be the forerunner on getting to the solution.

It's your choice.

[judo]

WOW! As much as I would love to tell all you guys to F off...I posted this to get honest opinions! Because I guess deep down I seriously wondered if the way I was thinking was unfair!

 

I am reading all the opinions and I can see why he would be thinking the way he does...I have always taken care of myself! I am too Independent...if there is such a thing! but I chose this way of being so I should be able to see why it played out that way!

 

Thanks for the honesty, therapy has been on the back of my mind for many reasons....so I guess Im headed that way!

 

I do appreciate all the honest replys! As brutal as they were thats why I asked the question!

 

Thanks guys! Im sure my hubby loves you all! :0)

[Island Girl]

Thanks for the honesty, therapy has been on the back of my mind for many reasons....so I guess Im headed that way!

 

I do appreciate all the honest replys! As brutal as they were thats why I asked the question!

 

Thanks guys! Im sure my hubby loves you all! :0)

 

I'm glad you were able to take the opinions constructively (as they were intended) and move forward with a course of action.

 

Kudos to you for reaching out!

[judo]

I'm a big believer in the honest truth no matter how brutal! if I dish it out I should be able to take it! So swallow it I did!

 

Not pretty but necessary!

[rlindzie]

i feel for you judo, i will pray for you and your husband. I think that if you went to see a counslor to talk about yourgeneral trust issues then worked with your husband in counsleing it would really help. I am from a family where you are to be strong at all times and rely on no one but yourself. And like you i have trust issues with just about everyone, but i do know that we all make mistakes and i have learned to give poeple a second chance because when i mess up thats what i would want from them. but for yourself you need to forgive, to hold on to this will only hurt you, and your family in the long run. i always remind myself to forgive 7x70 and then again and again and again. we cannot let the past posion our future. If he doesnt understand where you are commng from it is most likely because you can only really get it when yougo through it, im not saying what he did was ok but we all make mistakes and i think you shold give him what you would want him to give you if the situation was reversed.

God belss