Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 A simple post that should be relevant to everyone on this board. Do you think it is healthier to have low/no expectations about dating ("I will be single forever, but I'll try anyway") or to think 'positively' ("I will have great relationship(s) in my life before I know it")? It's the age old philosophical debate. Do you expect the worst and hope for the best, or expect the best in hope that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy?
spookie Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 A simple post that should be relevant to everyone on this board. Do you think it is healthier to have low/no expectations about dating ("I will be single forever, but I'll try anyway") or to think 'positively' ("I will have great relationship(s) in my life before I know it")? It's the age old philosophical debate. Do you expect the worst and hope for the best, or expect the best in hope that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy? Wow, good question. Of course there are dangerous territories one can get stuck in both ways: if you have low expectations, you might be ok with people mistreating you; if your expectations are too high, no one will be good enough.... I think it's healthiest to be ok with ending up alone, but to have high, but not unreasonable, expectations for how you want to be treated if you are in a relationship...
kdark Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Whatever works for you. It's either going to hit you when you least expect it or be the dream you always knew it would be.
spookie Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Whatever works for you. It's either going to hit you when you least expect it or be the dream you always knew it would be. That's an unreasonably optimistic perspective when the fact is that MANY, if not most, people end up effectively romantically alone.
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 I'm not talking about how people treat you when I say expectations. I mean: do you expect to find healthy, happy relationships/marriage/whatever in the next couple years/your lifetime?
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 That's an unreasonably optimistic perspective when the fact is that MANY, if not most, people end up effectively romantically alone. I have to agree w/ you, Spookie. I wouldn't say most, but there's a decent number of people who never enter a LTR.
kdark Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 True, not everyone finds it. But the ones that do will always know it as one or the other. And what's wrong with being optimistic?
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 True, not everyone finds it. But the ones that do will always know it as one or the other. And what's wrong with being optimistic? What's wrong is it's like making a promise to yourself that you may not be able to keep.
spookie Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I'm not talking about how people treat you when I say expectations. I mean: do you expect to find healthy, happy relationships/marriage/whatever in the next couple years/your lifetime? Nevertheless. If you don't have that expectation (to find something healthy), you might settle for something that's not if you get too lonely; while if your expecation is of something that's too good to be real, nothing will be good enough. Actually... I think I've just confused myself. I think I'd like to change my answer to: I think it's better to expect to end up alone cause then you're not in danger of trying to force love to happen (like I am constantly doing).
spookie Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I have to agree w/ you, Spookie. I wouldn't say most, but there's a decent number of people who never enter a LTR. And many of the LTR's out there don't seem to be anything to write home about, either. Not to mention that most of them end, and most of the rest are unhappy.
spookie Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I'm not talking about how people treat you when I say expectations. I mean: do you expect to find healthy, happy relationships/marriage/whatever in the next couple years/your lifetime? To more explicitly answer your question: honestly, I think that I personally do, even though I'd rather I didn't.
kdark Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I know it can get diaheartening not finding someone after months, or years of searching. But going back to your original post, you are either the type of person who will just shrug it off and get on with your life, or be someone is always actively looking, trying different approaches, going on many dates, etc. Neither way is unhealthy, they are just both conducive to different personalities.
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Spookie, I do see what you mean about expectations informing how you let yourself be treated. I can see that if someone has zero expectations they may throw themselves away and have tons of casual sex because they feel they've got nothing else to do.
D-Lish Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Here's how I try and look at it. I don't EXPECT anything, I don't anticipate anything when it comes to future romantic relationships. I'm not pining for it- nor am I seeking it. Probably somewhere in between- if it happens, great, if it doesn't.... I'm going to be okay. I think there is a danger somewhere in there of becoming bitter. If you have expectations and they aren't met... one might end up bitter, and let's face it- people can spot a bitter person from miles away (and those people don't get dates, let alone relationships!) You can't realistically set Love goals when you're single. If you do- you will be in danger of settling with the wrong person, or wallowing in disappointment when your wish doesn't come to fruition.
Star Gazer Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 That's an unreasonably optimistic perspective when the fact is that MANY, if not most, people end up effectively romantically alone. Most??? Now THAT is pessimism at its very worst. If that's what you believe, that's all you'll get.
RedRussian Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I am going to be alone than....more single women there by the numbers.....YaY!
D-Lish Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Most??? Now THAT is pessimism at its very worst. If that's what you believe, that's all you'll get. To be sure. Pessimism ends with bitter. I think you can actually smell bitterness on a person. It's like a hint of used hockey equipment mixed with lemon.
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 To be sure. Pessimism ends with bitter. I think you can actually smell bitterness on a person. It's like a hint of used hockey equipment mixed with lemon. But so can optimism lead to bitterness, unless you're a pretty strong person. Hmmm seems the best thing would be to almost not think about it at all.
kdark Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 But so can optimism lead to bitterness, unless you're a pretty strong person. Hmmm seems the best thing would be to almost not think about it at all. Much easier said than done.
D-Lish Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 But so can optimism lead to bitterness, unless you're a pretty strong person. Hmmm seems the best thing would be to almost not think about it at all. Optimism won't lead to bitterness- Unrealistic expectations might lead one down that path though. Being optomistic is a positive trait- someone with this view will even view failure as an opportunity for something else new and positive. It's the expectations people put on themselves (and others) that can be a problem and a burden. I mean, I am single- the last of my friend group to be married or close to it... if I set a goal/date for finding love... I'm destined to fail or at the very least experience disappointment. Being optomistic is different- optomistic people rarely dwell on failure or disappointment- they capitalize on it. So- you can be optomistic that love will find its way into your heart one day.... but that won't entail waiting or expecting.... If you're waiting or expecting, and what you're hoping for doesn't come your way.... you'll experience disappointment. If you're optomistic- you're not waiting or expecting... I think that's the difference.
Trialbyfire Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Hey, don't settle! Expect what you can bring to the table and know that if you're looking for a relationship, it's going to happen for you!
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Do you think it is healthier to have low/no expectations about dating ("I will be single forever, but I'll try anyway") or to think 'positively' ("I will have great relationship(s) in my life before I know it")? It's the age old philosophical debate. Do you expect the worst and hope for the best, or expect the best in hope that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy? I used to drive myself BARKING MAD asking questions like that. Now I just take it as it comes. Everything ends up working out anyway, no matter what you do.
Author Isolde Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Being optomistic is different- optomistic people rarely dwell on failure or disappointment- they capitalize on it. You're really smart, D-lish. Optimism as a route to making the most of not so great things, and also as a way of making uncertainty exciting. Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me!
Green Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Isolde you are really hot before I got my gf I really would have flown you out to see me or visited you. The fact is you need to believe in yourself, trust that your the kind of person who will be able to handle life and enjoy the journey. You are very beutiful and I even enjoy your pain and constant fear but the truth is you have nothing to fear and every reason to be optomistic. you seem smart and kind and you're very pretty heck even if you were some fat smelly old women which you are not you'd still be able to find some one because I see fat smelly old women with men all the time so please for the love of Mike realise that one day probably one day very soon your going to look back on these days and laugh so just enjoy yourself and believe in yourself because nothing beats having trust in yourself to do the right thing by you
fral945 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 I would say it's a better idea to have low/no expectations about life in general, including dating. You can be hopeful, just not optimistic. People who expect perfection and are idealistic are bound to be constantly disappointed and frustrated because anyone who doesn't live in a bubble or has been sheltered their whole life realizes nothing in life is perfect or goes exactly as planned. IOW, you can't have it all. Optimism enveloped in idealism (the "you can have it all" attitude) is the worst of all, and I avoid women with that attitude and mindset like the plague.
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