SunderedHeart Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Hey everyone. I'm new here, as well as to some other forums and I might as well give this one my go... I'm 17, and I just got out of a six-month relationship. Yeah, six months. Ages, right? Well, I've been close friends with the said person for about 6 years. I've confided and invested, emotionally, into them more than in anyone I've ever known. They, in turn, know me better than anyone else on God's green earth... Now its all over and we part ways, and I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Coupled with in-satiated boredom, its quite a rough existence (as some of you may attest to). I tried to be perfect with her. As perfect as I could. Everything a "good boyfriend" would do, I tried to. I can't say it didn't work, however, because the reason she decided to end it once and for all was her own problems, which she "didn't want to drag into my life". To name a few, she had a disabled mother who, due to diabetes, was mentally unstable - leaving her to care for her drugged up sister's ... three, now I think, fatherless children, and a family history filled with incessant drama and such problems, to boot. After growing up into this and two years short from leaving for college, she couldn't handle it anymore. She became increasingly prone to verbal fights (all that existed in her household), somewhat suicidal, and going into eating disorder relapses, which led her to start purging again. Some of you may consider me lucky after reading all that, or can at least justify her reason for leaving me. Keep in mind, though, I've only told you things about her 'bad side', which, when compared to the 'good', barely seem to matter (at least to me). She had a brilliant mind, effervescent personality, knack at being cuter than you can imagine and, last but not least, looked absolutely gorgeous overall - something that, for whatever reason, she didn't want to realize. I also thought, that if she could hold out until we were both on our own, the cause of all those issues would be left behind, and so would they. Our last month together she decided to end the relationship twice, and both times I lost it, and pleaded for her not to. She replied, "Alright, but if I decide to go (...suicide) it can only hurt me that much, and you'd carry it forever." I dismissed this as just drama on her end, and a sum-up of the fact that she did indeed have problems. And, really, wouldn't anyone else in her shoes? The second time around it didn't end, but I certainly felt a chill from the matter resurrecting itself after a fight courtesy of her paranoia that I was secretly talking to a friend of her's over the smallest coincidence imaginable, because she was absolutely opposed of me talking to him - which once again, my dear reader, I wasn't, and tried desperately to get across to her with final but bitter success. 'Little' things like this seemed common in our final days, and (personally), after being dragged through so much psychological barbwire, I steeled myself against the third and final time she decided to reconsider our relationship. Having anticipated it, I agreed to ending it, and felt not bad, not good, but rather nothing at all... only an emptiness, or confusion. We talked everyday. She was practically the only and most important person in my life - and with that gone, its getting harder and harder. When I think about her, or see or hear something having to do with her - which, honestly, is just about everything I hold dear/am interested in - I get a sick feeling in my heart and some not-so-happy feelings follow. During the day in particular, however, I'm fairly resilient. I see the sun shining, and how nice it is outside and something tells me everything'll be alright (if that's not too corny). This bipolar pattern repeats itself rather forcefully, with no signs on improvement. I really thought she was, if I may, "the one". We already planned our college plans and, by extension, life together (I know, I'm just 17 - her 18, but nevertheless). So having broken up, a thing quite unthinkable to me before, all of that was gone. It was as if I had a definite road to follow in life, and, just before preparing to embark on it, it was suddenly swept away. I had everything I wanted, someone that loved me deeply and whom I was prepared to share my life with. Now I have nothing. I have no friends, despite some loose acquaintances I talk to regularly, at this school. After being transferred twice now, and having made good friends at my two prior schools my social resolve was gone for the third... plus, I thought 'Hey, I just got to make it through these 2 years and I'll be off to college with her!' I've spent thousands on her and things for her sister's abandoned children over the course of time we were together, and've tried to support and care for her the best I could - and what I get in return is her "sparing" me from her problems and life in general. Her, with a cadre of friends to take care of her, and I with, literally, no one for any type of back up. I am, truly, alone (hence my being here). Finding another girl isn't easy, especially not to replace her and our history together. I also don't fall for any type of girl, putting a higher standard on intelligence rather than appearance. Horrible to remember I once had both. It still, makes me sound vain though, right? Its not out of egotism, nor out of considering myself on some high pedestal of brains; I simply want someone I can deeply connect with... School's not exactly the perfect environment for searching, either, for a myriad of reasons. But, all that aside, I already commend anyone who actually read this much of my moping. *Laughs.* If anyone did, whoever you are, thank you. I'm not looking for some miraculous solution here anymore than anyone could ever offer one. Broken and defeated, all I can hope for is that someone may give their mind about it or, even, feel less alone in their own loveless plight. Once again, thank you.
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear that. It's true that sometimes the flaws in a persons character make them all the more beautiful to us. The conflict and the trauma a person comes with can be just as precious to us as the calm and the peace. I agree about the difficulty in replacing a history and connection so rich and deep. It's like the perfect movie or romance novel - just completely trashed. And you have to start over. You can only see it as love enriches you as a person, it strengthens your capacity to love and feel compassion, you know how far and deep your heart can go...but it also brings a lot of pain and hurt and dark times. Love is a weird little mystery. It's like a light that shines on your life and makes it meaningfull and purposeful and significant and then that light dies and everything in life seems to become dull and grey. Love is something I think i'll never understand...
Author SunderedHeart Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear that. It's true that sometimes the flaws in a persons character make them all the more beautiful to us. The conflict and the trauma a person comes with can be just as precious to us as the calm and the peace. I agree about the difficulty in replacing a history and connection so rich and deep. It's like the perfect movie or romance novel - just completely trashed. And you have to start over. You can only see it as love enriches you as a person, it strengthens your capacity to love and feel compassion, you know how far and deep your heart can go...but it also brings a lot of pain and hurt and dark times. Love is a weird little mystery. It's like a light that shines on your life and makes it meaningfull and purposeful and significant and then that light dies and everything in life seems to become dull and grey. Love is something I think i'll never understand... I've never heard it described more eloquently, Nikki. I know that you, indeed, are right. Something like this seems like the end of one's world, when its only the beginning of a newer, and better one - despite how and when it will present itself. Still; Amidst the pain, that barely seems to matter sometimes. Thankfully, that pain has, for the moment, subsided. Your writing has lifted my spirits tremendously, and I couldn't help but smile as I read it. Its always better getting it from a real person rather than some recovery guide, or something. My heart and deepest thanks go out to you. ^ ^
messed-mind Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Hi there, this sounded like quite a tragic situation and I was quite touched by it and felt compelled to reply. I'm currently in a healthy relationship and live with my girlfriend whom i've been with for 18 months. Before that, I was in 5 year relationship with a girl that I met at age 21 and she was (!) only 16. I know how you feel about the closeness you felt and the irreplaceable pedestal you have the other person on. Since I can draw accurate parallels between what I went through with my ex and what you've been through, I might be able to provide you with someone insight to help you to get through this because I literally wanted to die when the relationship ended. First and foremost, as much as it doesn't feel like it, you absolutely will meet someone else and forget about all this pain. But you must heal, there is no way to speed up the process, the only way to heal is to cut them out your life and let time to pass and move on. Stick with no contact. I promise you (just like everyone promised me when I was inconsoleable) that you will meet someone just as amazing one day. My ex was so beautiful, so amazing, we had so much fun together; we were best friends and lovers. Her family was my family, and when she broke up with me It felt like the most important people in my life had died overnight. I was utterly devastated. What I learned, and what you must learn, is that you simply can't pin so much of your life and happiness on one person. You need to focus on you, being happy by yourself and work on your clear lack of self-esteem. That was the mistake I made that I haven't made again. Although I love my current girlfriend a lot, I need to have a life for myself where It's only me involved (getting time with the guys, doing my photography for a weekend, seeing the other important people like family and relations) in addition to sharing my life with my current girlfriend. She also has time with her friends during the week and goes for long shopping trips with her sister - we have a good balance of life and interests outside the relationship. Previously, I would spend 24/7 with my ex and have no time with myself, no time with my friends - my happiness stemmed from her and her only, so she had this almighty control over me because I was so scared to lose her. It's a wrong and unhealthy way to live you relationship. You've got the same problem - I think you've lost your own identity in this girl, and I think you need to get that back. You also need to work on you, focus on making your life happy - someone should add to your already healthy life, not be the sole reason for your life and happiness. I don't mean to take away from your feelings, but don't you feel you're both so young to be making such a life plan? I'm 28 now, I'm a completely different person so who I was at 18 - so will both of you. I felt at age 21 that I had my life path all sorted out, but you can't plan for change or someone else's unexpected change of heart. My life isn't anywhere near where I planned it to be, but although it's different I'm in a much happier place. The other point I wanted to share with you that I have learned about women is that they use cryptic reasons to say "I don't want you / I don't fancy you / I don't want to be in this relationship anymore". I used to get hung up on what girls would say, but it's actually very simple to read between the lines and see what they're telling you. If you follow this guide (i've put this together from years of experience, from dating and from relationships) - so here goes: If she makes excuses of any kind, she just doesn't want to be with you. This may involve some of the following and variations of: - i have problems I need to fix on my own - i have to disappear from time to time - i'm not ready for a serious relationship - i'm not ready for a commitment - i'm planning to travel after school, so it's best we just don't get serious - i'm a flighty person - i get bored easily - i just see you more as a brother - i don't want to ruin our friendship - maybe something could happen between us if the timing was better - i don't want to hurt my ex's feelings - i don't want to hurt <insert her best friend who fancies you>, because they like you All of these mean, "i simply don't want to be with you, not now, not ever". If she wanted to be with you, regardless of what's going on, she would be with you. People who love each other don't make excuses or play games. People who love each other rely on each other for strength and support when times get hard. If anything, if she really loved you and had big problems going on, she would first and foremost come to you for support - not breakup with you?! Stop making excuses for her, she doesn't want you anymore so leave her to it and start the no contact. There is no way someone that maladjusted could sustain a constant, happy and stable relationship anyway. Believe me, you will look back and realise you were better out. I hope some of this may help in some way; having been dragged over the coals with lousy girls making lousy excuses, and having had my heart broken in the past and finally finding love in a happy and healthy relationship, I feel like I can now give my musings back to someone and hope to mitigate the pain that I went through and know all too well.
Author SunderedHeart Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Well messed-mind, your experience does seem to mirror, if not certainly exceed mine... To that end, it means a lot to me that you had the heart to share it. Five years (!) is certainly more than six months (which is, honestly, my longest relationship yet , and only about my third or fourth). What you said about not pinning my life to one person is something that a long-distance friend of mine told me as well, but took it farther to label it as a stupid thing to do in the slightest! He had been heartbroken so many times that he decided (and, amazingly to me, is quite content with) only meeting girls for sex and never dabbling in real relationships anymore. He may have the honor of calling himself a "playa", but that sort of thing would be the last to matter to me. For that reason I inverted everything he said, and looked to him as an antithesis to what I wanted to be. His extreme might not be right, but neither was mine, it appears. Do you really think no contact is best? I really do agree to it, but it seems like such a difficult thing to process. I still see her on messenger, but never talk to her. She follows suit. She told me after the breakup that she didn't do it because she didn't love me, and that she still wanted us to talk (though I suppose that merits little complement to me, because she likes to maintain contact with all her previous exes, if not most). I gave her the answer that I didn't think it was a good idea, but that I couldn't bear to just delete her forever, bringing the matter nowhere. I haven't spoken to her at all since then. Do you think I should? Delete her that is - and toss her out of my life forever? I can't describe it, but it seems far more painful than just not speaking, though being little different. You need to focus on you, being happy by yourself and work on your clear lack of self-esteem. Lack thereof? Why, I hadn't really thought about that. It’s not that I put her far above myself (okay, maybe sometimes, so she wouldn't get too angry), but rather she was the only thing in my life going right. To elaborate a bit, a reason I focused on her so much also had to do with a certain, personal desperation. She, as I said, was quite intelligent, and had a good shot at degrees in astrophysics later in college - she had mounds of books on the stuff - mounds! (Most of which I purchased. Shh.) As for me, though, the story is a tad grimmer. I'm literally failing high school. An F in every class, if you can imagine. But, that's a whole 'nother can of worms. Please try, after reading that, to also subvert any idea of me as some opportunistic leech on her higher educational standing, if such a thing comes to mind. Understand, it was a considerable benefit to someone in my situation. She had quite little money, which I remedied with copious shares of mine SO she may do well. I considered us then, put together, a perfect union. Not just due to that, but for a million of other reasons... That gone, and with your advice taken in perspective, I suppose I have to build a life TO add someone to! That is, no one in their right mind would take someone seriously that barely has a GED (especially in this economy, if I'm following things right) without knowing them a great deal first, but the former is often a good bridge to the latter, if you know what I mean. Additionally, if you've met my family, I'm like an abominable mutt in a pack of pedigree poodles for my academic woes, to continually point that matter out to me. I am healing, though, and there are some simple things I can focus on that make me exceedingly happy, whatever the circumstance (as temporal as they are). At night or the afternoon I grow particularly more doleful. Yet during the day, looking at the ocean or a great day outside, for example, always soothes me. Such an idyllic, poetic surrounding somehow inspires me to forget all my troubles. I loathe being negative or sullen then, and in that moment forgive all my contacts, loves (or past loves I should say), and relations for their offenses, and bless them. At such times I wish to remain like that forever; To lead a blameless, beautiful life - and go on thinking those tender thoughts until reality somehow breaks my reverie. Ah, if that's not too over-sentimental, I don't know what is. Thank you for your words, friend. They truly alleviate my chaos in it all.
Recommended Posts