XanderQ Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 This may make me sound like a jerk. I accept that. But I need some help. I’ve been married four years, with my wife six. When we got married, she agreed not to have any kids. That was my precondition to us trying the knot. A couple of years in, she got pregnant. I’ll admit that I did not take the news well. I accused her of getting pregnant deliberately. At the time, I believed that was what happened, and I think I still do. Things ended when she miscarried at two months, and she said she was sad but also relieved. I was only relieved. Then, my wife did something that surprised me greatly. She went and “proved” herself genuine about not having kids by getting some metal rods inserted in her plumbing to sterilize herself. When she made the suggestion that she get sterilized, I was shocked, but also secretly pleased. I thought it was a sign of how much she loved me, and would do anything for me. Had I thought about it I probably would have realized it was also a desperate attempt to patch up our relationship by removing the most obvious source of tension – her fertility. But I didn’t think. We have since had another two years of marriage. Thing is, I’ve now fallen out of love with my wife. Not only do I not find her attractive anymore, but I’m finding her increasingly boring and bitchy. We seem to argue all the time about everything, from dealing with money to who should be president – and the fights are getting personal and nasty. She always gives in and retreats in the end, but I find that annoying as well, as it just makes her more unhappy and I pay for that again by having to live with her passive aggressive crap. We’ve tried to work things out and talk things through, but it’s just not happening. I think we’ve both just changed too much to be viable as a couple anymore. And now, I want to move on. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact my wife did what she did to keep our relationship together. What will she do? She'll be fine financially, as she's got a great job (she says the sterilization got her ahead as her boss no longer has to worry about her getting pregnant) and she’s still young (35). But doesn't being young make her situation worse? I keep thinking, what will I do to her if I find another woman I love and I end up having children for some reason? What kind of a person does that make me? What would it do to her? She's not the most emotionally stable person. But on the other hand, staying together is making us both miserable. That can’t be healthy either. I don't know how to get myself out of this!
Dexter Morgan Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Yes, set her free and get a divorce. You don't want her, don't find her attractive, and want to have sex without ever wanting kids. So again, yes, get a divorce and move on. Set her free. And do some poor woman a HUGE favor in the future. Don't even entertain the idea of getting married ever again. Beauty is fleeting for you and you won't be satisfied with the same woman for long.
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 If you felt THAT strongly about not wanting children, why on earth didn't you go get a snipped???? Leaving that to your wife was crappy of YOU! If you feel you don't ever want children, then do yourself a favour and go fix yourself so you won't have children with another woman in the future. NO offense here, but it really irks me when men decide they don't want children yet they won't take care of it at their end..
anne1707 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Leave her so that she can be happy. She is the one who is being trampled on by this marriage. Set her free.
65tr6 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 This may make me sound like a jerk. I accept that. But I need some help. ! for starters, print your OP and share that with your wife. Tell her how you feel about your relationship.
Author XanderQ Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 If you felt THAT strongly about not wanting children, why on earth didn't you go get a snipped???? In my defence, I didn't suggest sterilization. That was the wife's idea - she volunteered. She never suggested I have a vasectomy and, frankly, had she I would have refused. Not only do I not want my parts hacked at with a knife, but vasectomies contribute to the risk of prostate cancer. As for taking responsibility for contraception, when there is a male pill I'll happily swallow it. Until then, I have to trust the wife. Only wish I could. As for beauty being fleeting, that's not the case either. I accepted that my wife would grow older and fade a bit. Most of the women I know have, and they remain attractive, if in a different way. It's only my wife who has put on weight and no longer seems to care. She says it is because she's busy with work and doesn't have the time. But none of the other women I know have that problem. I'm don't want to leave to find a hot teenage skank to hang off my arm and advertise my mid-life crisis. But I do want to find a woman who I can feel attracted to, and who I can talk to without a yelling match and see a long term happy future with.
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I've never heard of vasecomy's causing cancer. I suggest you get counselling with your wife and alone. Seems you both are throwing in the towel without really trying and/or going to marriage counselling. Would be a shame if you woke up divorced one day and the midlife crisis was over, and you were full of regret over not trying to fix your marriage.
GorillaTheater Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 And frankly, getting a vasectomy was nothing compared to getting a reversal. Ouch. But I see your refusal to take the lead in birth control (since you're the one who absolutely refuses to have kids) as symptomatic of your refusal to man-up in your marriage in general. Hell yes, cut her loose and give her a shot at happiness.
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 We’ve tried to work things out and talk things through, but it’s just not happening. I think we’ve both just changed too much to be viable as a couple anymore. Then tell her this. Tell her you can't see it working and that you want a divorce. What's the point if you've given up and already preparing for the future with the possibility that you may have children with another woman later in life?
Ronni_W Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Until then, I have to trust the wife. Only wish I could. Are you saying that her subsequently "getting some metal rods inserted in her plumbing" did absolutely nothing to convince you that the pregnancy was unplanned? (If so, "Wow!") But. To answer your question, "Yes, you can go." Her decision to seek medical assistance to "prove" to you that she is a woman of her word is one for which she must take full responsibility. It does not matter that her decision was misguided. When you do have kids in the future, your (ex) wife will deal with it as best she can -- there are excellent therapists and grief/loss counselors. Perhaps even, those "metal rods" can be surgically removed. No need for you to spend too much time acting all concerned that you will have "ruined her life" (or is that a hope more than a fear? -- it is so difficult to tell, given how you've expressed yourself in your post.) I agree with those who have suggested to set her free...so that she CAN have the happy and successful life that she deserves to have.
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Ummm... I think everybody forgot that this woman committed to NOT having children when she married this man, at age 31. Enough years to make up your mind as to whether you ever want to have kids. That was HER decision. If she wanted kids, then it was stupid of her to marry someone who didn't want them. It was his prerogative to decide to NOT have (anymore) kids. After she miscarried, she decided to sterilize herself. This confirms even more that she didn't want to have kids. She had the option of BC pills, condoms, abstinence during ovulation, spermicides, diaphragm or a combination of those things. She could also get tubal ligation, which is considered safe and it's also reversible. I know a woman who has done it. But she resorts to the most radical measure - and it's her decision again. You didn't blackmail her or force her to sterilize herself. Just because she might have done that to please you doesn't mean you owe her. We are responsible for our own decisions. I don't see that you betrayed her in any way. She will be financially fine, she has no kids with you. You have no ties. Close the chapter and end the misery if that's what you want.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I don't see that you betrayed her in any way I think what the real betrayal is, he never wanted to have children with her..Yet he seems kind of open to the idea of having a child with another woman sometime in the future..
manugeorge Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I think what the real betrayal is, he never wanted to have children with her..Yet he seems kind of open to the idea of having a child with another woman sometime in the future.. which also, let's be honest, is his perrogative. The real betrayal would be him hanging around hemming and hawwing about divorcing her, hence wasting her time. Rip the bandage already and let her go find happiness elsewhere. She made a decision ON HER OWN, she'll have to take responsibility and live with that. And OP, please, if you don't want children, the burden of birth control is not only in the hands of the woman. You can use condoms in addition to her taking pills, that way you know you have all your bases covered.
Geishawhelk Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 In my defence, I didn't suggest sterilization. That was the wife's idea - she volunteered. She never suggested I have a vasectomy and, frankly, had she I would have refused. Not only do I not want my parts hacked at with a knife, but vasectomies contribute to the risk of prostate cancer. The risk is so minimal as to be completely negligible. And a 'snip' takes ten minutes with a local anaesthetic. In compariosn to the invasive surgery she had, it's an absolute doddle. Vasectomy is an effective and permanent form of contraception. The operation is quicker, easier and more effective than female sterilisation. There is a very small failure rate. I have heard that there is an increase in the risk of prostate cancer after vasectomy. Is this true? No. A few years ago there was a 'scare' about a possible link. Since then several surveys have been done and have shown that there is no link between vasectomy and an increased risk of any cancer Both from here. And you might like to read here too... female sterilisation is less guaranteed than a vasectomy, by the way..... Obviously you were a little selective with your research. You're what's known as a selfish bar steward. You really are some piece, you know that? As for taking responsibility for contraception, when there is a male pill I'll happily swallow it. Until then, I have to trust the wife. There will never ber a male pill because preventing the continuous production of millions of sperm is more difficult than preventing the release of a single egg every month. Nice cop-out. And it's not "The wife". It's "My wife". She's a person, not a dog...... Like I said, you're a real piece. You actually sound quite odious, and I never usually say that about anyone. As for beauty being fleeting, that's not the case either. I accepted that my wife would grow older and fade a bit. Most of the women I know have, and they remain attractive, if in a different way. It's only my wife who has put on weight and no longer seems to care. She says it is because she's busy with work and doesn't have the time. But none of the other women I know have that problem. Well maybe if you actually made the effort to make her feel wonderful, paid more attention to her, and treated her with respect....On second thoughts, forget it. You're probably still looking up 'wonderful' in the dictionary. Just get out of her life and make her happy that way. I'm don't want to leave to find a hot teenage skank to hang off my arm and advertise my mid-life crisis. But I do want to find a woman who I can feel attracted to, and who I can talk to without a yelling match and see a long term happy future with. With your attitude, you won't have the latter on your arm for long, if she has any sense. I'd go for the former. You're far better suited to that.
RecordProducer Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Enough with the aggressive talk, enough with the judgment already! He is a victim as much as she is. I think what the real betrayal is, he never wanted to have children with her..Yet he seems kind of open to the idea of having a child with another woman sometime in the future.. Yes, he didn't want children with her. That's horrible, even thogh she didn't want any children with him or with anyone at all. I feel so sorry for the princess but she must hand out the crown and the title. Or otherwise, he must admit to be her legit slave and do as she says.
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