sveltskye Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 So, I met this guy at a club that I hang out at all the time, his roommate is a bartender there. He's probably the most compatible person I've been with so far, but I'm not sure what's really going on. We had a couple more going clubbing dates at that place, then went to hang out at his place and ended up sleeping with him. I realize that I put myself in the position I'm in by sleeping with him that soon. We still haven't had any kind of talk about where we're at relationship wise, and its kind of hard for me to gauge how he's feeling about it. On one hand, it makes me feel a little bit like a booty call because he's very casual and keeps texting me all the time but then we haven't done much besides sleeping together. I'm posative that he's not seeing someone else, and he makes himself available every few days but he's got a job fishing about an hour from where we live so he can go off for, as he described it "a few days, a week, two weeks, three weeks..." Not sure what to do with that. I understand that people have schedules and lives, but its kind of hard to know where you stand when someone is so easy come, easy go. Its my birthday this weekend and I hope that he does something to acknowledge it. On Valentine's Day he texted me a little text rose, which was really cute and totally appropriate to where we were at. I just don't know, how much can you expect from someone who you are sleeping with but haven't had the "talk" with? Should I just break it off or wait some more? Is there any way to subtly steer this into "dating" zone more or hint that I'd like that without putting too much pressure on it and killing any chance I have? Edit: BTW, what's appropriate to expect from him regarding my birthday in this kind of situation, within reason?
princessjasmine777 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 OH MY GOODNESS!!! Im in the same situation as you are in!!! Ive been seeing this guy for about 2 months now, and I met him at a karioke Bar. I like him so much,..and I think im actually starting to fall for him. He treats me like im his Girlfriend, He takes me out all the time,...we spend weekends together, and sometimes cant wait for the weekend and well see each other in the middle of the week! ...BUT we have Not had "The Talk". It feels like Im his girlfriend,...but nothing is declared! Im nervous to ask him. I know hes not seeing anyone else. ....WE SHOULD JUST GET DRUNK AND ASK! LOL ...please answer my post!
fishtaco Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 You are casually dating. The sex doesn't figure into the equation. If you're not exclusive, you're not exclusive, sex or no sex. Casual dating means it's legal for you to date (and sleep with if you want to) other men. And he's legal to date (and sleep with) other women as well. But it doesn't mean you have to, or he has too. You have the option to do so, and the other person can't demand that you don't. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Seem like he does. The trick is when to bring up the exclusive talk. Do it too soon, you may get a "I'm not ready". Do it waaay too soon, he just might run away. That's a judgment call, and yes, it's a risk. That's just how it is. Look on youtube and you'll find clips of these public proposals of marriage gone bad. There is no guarantee in life. Don't freak out. Just take it easy and keep going with the relationship. When you feel it's right (no one can tell you when it's right, you just have to go with your instincts), have the "exclusive" talk. Then you'll know for sure. All these -- OMG, he picked his nose in front of me, what does that mean -- is only going to drive you nuts. Because chances are for men, it doesn't mean anything. We don't communicate like that. When we pick our nose, we're not trying to make a statement about our comfort level in front of you; we do that because there's a booger there. As for the sex, it doesn't impact the guy, or the relationship. You can't change fate with sex. It's simply not that powerful. But it may impact you. Some women get attached after sex. So the bad thing would be you're taking an extra risk. You are making yourself attached prematurely. Whatever will happen will still happen. If you two are destined to be together, then early sex won't make any difference. If you two are NOT destined to be together, sex or no sex won't change that fate. If you are extra attached, then you'll have extra emotions to work through. But outside of the possible attachment issue, sex is simply yet another attribute that you two should match on, nothing more.
Illiandra Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I was kinda in the same situation except it took us 3 months to have sex, then i met the parents 3 times. we never had the talk and it slowly started to break away before the holidays. So i was open with him that i did hook up with another guy and the guy that i was seeing said trust was the most important thing. How can i violate trust if we never had the talk lol his response was if i didnt like i wouldnt introduce you to my rents. In the end we stopped talking and i miss him like crazy. If you want to have the talk do it, before it is too late
ruggy Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Hmm, maybe you should not had put yourself in that position in the first place? You should play the same game he is playing, not giving a crap and see what happens. Amazing how women are attracted to men who care little about them. But, the ones that do want to care about them are kicked to the side. You reap what you sow.
fishtaco Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I was kinda in the same situation except it took us 3 months to have sex, then i met the parents 3 times. we never had the talk and it slowly started to break away before the holidays. So i was open with him that i did hook up with another guy and the guy that i was seeing said trust was the most important thing. How can i violate trust if we never had the talk lol his response was if i didnt like i wouldnt introduce you to my rents. In the end we stopped talking and i miss him like crazy. If you want to have the talk do it, before it is too late Well then he should have had the exclusive talk with you. In fact, I would put exclusive talk BEFORE meeting the parents. He did it wrong.
Author sveltskye Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Ok, so yes, I did put myself in the situation and am still putting myself in the situation. Maybe I shouldn't have and shouldn't, but I am and really right now I'm just being honest with myself that perhaps I'm being stupid and its very possibly going to blow up in my face. But I like him, and if I break it off completely now there's no chance at all that it can get better, so I'm being stupid for a little while longer. So, went to his house today and basically, yeah, I was acting kind of like I had issue face, and he commented on it, so I brought the whole thing up. I didn't say I needed him to be my boyfriend, in fact, I said I didn't want to have that talk, but I just kind of fumbled around saying its hard to tell that you actually like me when we're just sleeping together and a girl has to be careful to protect themselves when they sleep with a guy that early because then its hard to know how much they actually like you for you. It was kind of weird and awkward and he wasn't super reassuring, but I basically got this out of it: 1) He is exclusive and doesn't sleep with more than one person at a time 2) He "wouldn't hang out with me if he didn't like me" 3) He pointed out that he didn't hang out with me right away and said that he would resume not sleeping with me again if it would make me feel better 4) He said he hasn't been in a relationship for a while, doesn't know what he wants, doesn't like labeling things, just wants to see how it goes, etc. I said that that was actually a good idea, completely understandable, that I didn't expect him to say that we were in a relationship yet since we were just getting to know each other. I said that it was just more about the feedback I was getting than anything else, like needing labels or something (which eventually I will want, but within reason, not now). I just said that I was worried that we didn't want the same things out of this and that I was just trying to protect myself to some extent so if he didn't think he was interested in a relationship at all maybe we could just be friends... He gave an answer that said that he wasn't totally closed to the idea (or at least that's the impression I got out of it) but it was all kind of weird and convoluted. I also got some wishy washy stuff about being scared of being hurt.. yada yada yada and that when you ease into it you have less chance of being hurt (to which I kind of pointed out that you run the risk of getting hurt whatever you do really) I may sound high maintenance here, but I swear to God I'm not. I'm actually pretty low maintenance, I'm just a little worried that he doesn't want the same things out of this as me. And I guess I got my answer- he doesn't really know what he wants. I guess I'm craving a little more affection. There's a lot of guys out there who would want to be with me and would make me feel special, and eventually I'll feel better, or I'll break it off and find someone who will. Oh, and btw Ruggy, I've gone out with guys who were over the moon for me right from the beginning and then had a complete change of heart a few months in. I don't kick to the side every guy that likes me, but at the same time, you're attracted to who you're attracted to, you know?
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 sveltskye - If you want a relationship - or even to see if there is a possibility start changing how you "hang out". If he suggests going to the bar (I hope at least you are making him pick you up - not just meeting him there!) then you tell him you don't really feel like doing that but dinner or a movie sounds good. Avoid hanging out in his house. Avoid sleeping with him and see if he'll take in you out in public and if he'll want to see you again after not "getting any". -- Make sure when you are out you mention something about an early morning early on and just don't get in the position where sex is possible. And make sure he knows how much you are enjoying his company. Then he won't feel like you are yanking his chain or playing a "game". If he calls you again - he does call doesn't he? not just texts? - then he is interested and you are changing the way the relationship is headed. But you are still going to start restructuring the boundaries so it doesn't slip backwards toward "booty call"
Author sveltskye Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Great advice, Island Girl, thanks. I have already suggested that we go out and do other things and he seemed receptive but maybe I can be more purposeful about it. He calls and texts but is definitely heavy on the texting end. He said he would go back to not sleeping with me if it would "make me feel better" but that kind of made me feel like I was in friend zone or something.
Island Girl Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Great advice, Island Girl, thanks. I have already suggested that we go out and do other things and he seemed receptive but maybe I can be more purposeful about it. He calls and texts but is definitely heavy on the texting end. He said he would go back to not sleeping with me if it would "make me feel better" but that kind of made me feel like I was in friend zone or something. You shouldn't talk to him about any of this. Not at this stage. To him, you are confident and sure of yourself - even if you aren't feeling that way. So don't discuss any of this with him just -- on your side -- take things back a notch. Have fun, talk about whatever, enjoy yourself. You can still kiss, you can still let him know physically and verbally that you want to. Don't turn into a church girl all of a sudden. Just steer things so that you aren't in a position to do anything about it. Then, all of sudden, you're dating! heh heh heh
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