burningashes Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 When did you say, "I love you" to your SO? What were the circumstances at the time? This is sort of a offshoot from a thread I just read. I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months, and I've been enjoying my time with him so far. Lately, he'd say things like, "But you love me anyway," or "Would you love me if I did this or that?" Is this an underhanded trick people use on people to get them to say "I love you"? How would you respond? So far, I'd say things, "Oh, sure, I like you way too much," or I'd nod and smile. I avoid saying "I love you" because, 1) we've been in a commited relationship for only a couple of months. 2) I don't use the saying lightly and when I finally say it, I would mean it. I don't know, I feel a little pressure that I'm going to have to say it soon. I've already told him the extent of my feelings, and I said in a conversation we had not long ago that when I finally tell him that I love him, I would mean it. I think I'm going to tell him that I love him, but not just yet, only time will tell. I'd love to hear from you guys
GorillaTheater Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 A little background: when I was far too young (19), I was engaged to this girl. I think I asked her to marry me mainly because I was immature and was afraid to lose her. In other words, I became very clingy. Even though she said "yes", it didn't take her long to find somebody else and break it off. To my credit, I knew how I had screwed this up and gained a huge understanding of where I needed to set my boundaries, not only with others but with respect to my own feelings. Met another girl later on. AMAZING chemistry. She fell pretty hard and fast, but I tried to play it cool (as a self-defense mechanism). Started having sex. Because I was her first, she became pretty torn up over giving herself physically and emotionally to someone who may not share her feelings. But I did. As soon as I realized what she was going through, I dropped the "self defense" and told her that I was crazy-assed in love with her. Been married 25 years as of this past December.
Author burningashes Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 How did you become clingy, even if she said yes? Funny how you mention the self defense mechanism: I think I may be doing that as well. I've told my boyfriend how I feel about him, that I'm in love with him and all that. BUT, I'm afraid of going further than that, so I'm also sort of trying to play it cool. I've told my boyfriend that sometimes I hold back because I'm afraid of coming on too strong, after he mentioned that he thought i was distant sometimes. He said that it doesn't bug him, that it's okay if I do, he would rather have someone do that than being cold and distant. "Besides, I would have run already," he said. He's been awesome and I love hanging out with him, we laugh together and everything, I can see myself dating him seriously. I don't know what my problem is :/ How did you overcome your self defense mechanism?
socialight Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 >>When did you say, "I love you" to your SO? After they did first. Seriously. You have to wait for the girl to go first.
rlindzie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 i have said i love you way too many times, i have to admit i give under pressure, but i did mean it to one guy he was my longest relationship. I am learning to not give under pressure and to really mean it the next time around. so i think it is a trial by error for all of us, just wait untill you think you want to then wait some more then when you think youhave waited enough wait one more week. And that way you can wear your decision for a bit and see if it fits. the biggst lesson i have learn is its easier to be quiet and wait then say something and regret it, bc if you think about it you can always say it but you cant take it back.
Author burningashes Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 After they did first. Seriously. You have to wait for the girl to go first. Why? Why do women have to say it first? Talk about pressure, dude! just wait untill you think you want to then wait some more then when you think youhave waited enough wait one more week. And that way you can wear your decision for a bit and see if it fits. the biggst lesson i have learn is its easier to be quiet and wait then say something and regret it, bc if you think about it you can always say it but you cant take it back. Lol, it's all about the right timing. I think we all worry about whether it's too soon or too late :/ Thanks for the tip, I've come close a couple of times but held back because I wanted to wait. You mentioned pressure, could you describe that? What did your SO do to make you feel pressured into saying I love you?
White Flower Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 A little background: when I was far too young (19), I was engaged to this girl. I think I asked her to marry me mainly because I was immature and was afraid to lose her. In other words, I became very clingy. Even though she said "yes", it didn't take her long to find somebody else and break it off. To my credit, I knew how I had screwed this up and gained a huge understanding of where I needed to set my boundaries, not only with others but with respect to my own feelings. Met another girl later on. AMAZING chemistry. She fell pretty hard and fast, but I tried to play it cool (as a self-defense mechanism). Started having sex. Because I was her first, she became pretty torn up over giving herself physically and emotionally to someone who may not share her feelings. But I did. As soon as I realized what she was going through, I dropped the "self defense" and told her that I was crazy-assed in love with her. Been married 25 years as of this past December. Awwwwwwwwwwwww!
White Flower Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 >>When did you say, "I love you" to your SO? After they did first. Seriously. You have to wait for the girl to go first. Really? I have never heard of this. Is it a fear of rejection on your part? Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned.
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I say it when I feel it. My last ex, I said it to, and she took almost a month to say it back. It really sucked, but Im an honest and upfront person, and if I get burned by speaking my mind, so be it. I can live with that a lot easier than I can with not saying what I wanted to, and regretting it later. As for the 'youll love me anyway', could honestly be nothing. People at work that Im not even remotely dating or interested on say stupid things like that. It could very well be a ploy to see if youll say you love him, but it could also very well be an innocent comment. I always wait until it just comes out. When you fall in love with someone, youll find the right time and place to tell them. It will just happen
Nicodaemos Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I told her I loved her, but didnt say I love you at first. What had happened was that after she signed off of MSN messenger, i would always leave a few more messages so that she would have something to read when she woke up. "I hope to talk with you soon *pet name*" her pet name uses her name. "Good night my love, hope you slept well" The next day, when we were talking, I told her i meant it. I love you. she told me she thought it was a mistake and that it surprised her. I never heard it from her. She broke up with me, but still wanted to be friends, and have me around, early January it happened. I told her about November i believe. It hasnt been fun recently, still trying to sort things out, but its the first time I have ever told anyone that i loved someone. She did behave alot like you though, I said it, she always said I like you alot too. but would also tell me she dreams of being with me. having kids and things like that. but she left, and wouldnt say why.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 After they did first. Seriously. You have to wait for the girl to go first. I (female) have never said it first, and most likely never will.
Sith Apprentice Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 As a guy I have no reason to say it. If I want to show someone I love them then I'll buy her a floppy pink dildo to express my love.
zaphodb2002 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 This is sort of a offshoot from a thread I just read. Ooh, was it my thread? I've been working up the courage to say it lately, but I seem to turn to mush whenever I'm around my girl. I'm really waiting for the right moment now. I'm really of the opinion that when the time is right, it'll just come out. That reasoning has seemed to work REALLY WELL in this relationship so far, lol. It is a scary thing though. Nothing ventured, nothing gained though, right?
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Saying "I love you" is a gift. Why should it be feared? I have a feeling socialight has never hugged his best male friend and told him he loves him. When you get older you'll understand why you do that Love connects people. I can't imagine putting my penis within someone I've not expressed my love to verbally. A man expressing his love in words and actions shows confidence, IMO. Confidence to be honest. Confidence to be vulnerable and open. YMMV, of course
Island Girl Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I (female) have never said it first, and most likely never will. Me either. I have the same rule only opposite. The guy says it first. In my previous relationships that was never a problem. My husband was used to women throwing themselves at him wherever he'd go. <literally squealing and running over to him when we'd go in a grocery store or restaurant - yes UGH!> So he thought I was goig to say it first at some point. I didn't. So he said, "you know I like you A LOT." And I said, "yeah, I know." Then he said, "no I mean I really like you. I MORE than like you." I said, "I get it." "You get what?" "You love me." I said. Only then did he say, "yes, I love you." Glad he could get over that hurdle. Because I knew he did. We've been married almost three years. And what is scary about those three little words?! --- Really...? Could someone elaborate?
GorillaTheater Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 How did you become clingy, even if she said yes? Funny how you mention the self defense mechanism: I think I may be doing that as well. I've told my boyfriend how I feel about him, that I'm in love with him and all that. BUT, I'm afraid of going further than that, so I'm also sort of trying to play it cool. I've told my boyfriend that sometimes I hold back because I'm afraid of coming on too strong, after he mentioned that he thought i was distant sometimes. He said that it doesn't bug him, that it's okay if I do, he would rather have someone do that than being cold and distant. "Besides, I would have run already," he said. He's been awesome and I love hanging out with him, we laugh together and everything, I can see myself dating him seriously. I don't know what my problem is :/ How did you overcome your self defense mechanism? To answer your first question, I was clingy before I asked her to marry me. Wierd situation (well, not so weird for LS, but pretty damn weird for me): the sex started out amazing, and I was hooked. But we both had a lot of issues: immaturity and an unhealthy desire to have a relationship at any and all costs on my part, and immaturity and past abuse on hers. The sex started to dry up (she almost never orgasmed, maybe due to the past abuse) and she made it pretty clear that I wasn't too close to what she considered her "ideal". Asking her to marry me was my attempt to keep her, which of course was extremely stupid. Who knows why she said yes, since it quickly became apparent that she didn't mean it. I probably didn't mean it either, I wanted to marry her for all the wrong reasons and the marriage, had it gone foward, would have been a nasty little disaster. After it was over, I grew up alot. Thus the value of even the disfunctional relationship: the opportunity to learn. As for your second question, I allowed myself to become vulnerable once I was comfortable that she truly loved me and that I truly loved her (and wasn't just saying the words in an effort to either keep her around or to get laid). I had reached a point where for both our sakes I needed to put my heart on the line and 'fess up.
PrincessPeach Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Me either. I have the same rule only opposite. The guy says it first. And what is scary about those three little words?! --- Really...? Could someone elaborate? If it's not so scary to you then why do you have that rule and have never said it first? What makes it so that you can't ever say those words first? Why would anyone make it a rule never to say it first? That seems ridiculous to me. No one knows whether or not they are going to love someone, loving someone isn't something you plan on happening, it just does.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Ideally, you'd never say them. You just hang out with somebody, have fun, trust each other, and then one day at the age of 85 you look back and realise that you've lived a happy life.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Me either. I have the same rule only opposite. The guy says it first. In my previous relationships that was never a problem. My husband was used to women throwing themselves at him wherever he'd go. <literally squealing and running over to him when we'd go in a grocery store or restaurant - yes UGH!> So he thought I was goig to say it first at some point. I didn't. So he said, "you know I like you A LOT." And I said, "yeah, I know." Then he said, "no I mean I really like you. I MORE than like you." I said, "I get it." "You get what?" "You love me." I said. Only then did he say, "yes, I love you." Glad he could get over that hurdle. Because I knew he did. We've been married almost three years. And what is scary about those three little words?! --- Really...? Could someone elaborate? I wish more women had this rule. Then a surefire way to avoid commitment would be to just shut up.
Island Girl Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I wish more women had this rule. Then a surefire way to avoid commitment would be to just shut up. Ahhh Sam - but there is no avoiding commitment when it is what you want. And you do want it when you fall in love. Now if you aren't in love - then there should be no commitment so you, and the other, can pursue relationships with others that will possibly lead to that end.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Ahhh Sam - but there is no avoiding commitment when it is what you want. And you do want it when you fall in love. Now if you aren't in love - then there should be no commitment so you, and the other, can pursue relationships with others that will possibly lead to that end. Yep, true all dat. But falling in love is largely a conscious process, mostly independent of the symbol of saying I love you. It makes me feel weird saying it, even in cases when it is actually true. Eartshaking romances are rare, and not a good relationship foundation anyway. Or relationships where everything "feels right". Been in one, fell apart anyway. Bottom line, If I'm with someone and not miserable, and not looking for a way out, chances are I do or will love them.
Author burningashes Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Wow, you guys, thanks for your replies I think people fear saying it because it puts them in a really vunerable place where they can get burned quite easily if the other person does not feel the same way. It is a risk we all have to take, I suppose. That's the easy part, the hard part is deciding when and how to do it, lol. I can live with that a lot easier than I can with not saying what I wanted to, and regretting it later. As for the 'youll love me anyway', could honestly be nothing. People at work that Im not even remotely dating or interested on say stupid things like that. It could very well be a ploy to see if youll say you love him, but it could also very well be an innocent comment. I always wait until it just comes out. When you fall in love with someone, youll find the right time and place to tell them. It will just happen I totally agree with you. I really want to say it, because I want him to know how I feel, and not have regrets. I guess, no pain, no gain, right? That really put my perspective back on track, thanks, BCCA. As for his comments, I really don't think it's innocent at all. We've had discussions on how he doesn't want me to feel like I have to put up barriers and that it was okay if I shared my feelings with him. The most recent discussion was a few days ago, and I was at his place last night. He said something along the lines, "You love me, I think so," which was probably the bluntest thing he's said so far to me. Then he said, "Oops, I forgot we weren't supposed to share deep feelings yet." I just don't know what to think here, I'm just not ready to say it because it means I have to be utterly vunerable and I'll be pretty hurt if he doesn't say it back after putting me through this. I'm afraid if I hold off too long, he's not going to want to stick around and if I say it too soon, it will be before I'm ready. Should I just sit him and tell him that I'm just not ready to say it without coming across as if I'm not interested? I'm really into him and want to get this figured out :/ It was cute at first, but the pressure is starting to get to me. Maybe I could turn the tables on him next time he says something like that, and say, "You love me too, I know it so!" Geez, this is weird, lol.
Author burningashes Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 As for your second question, I allowed myself to become vulnerable once I was comfortable that she truly loved me and that I truly loved her (and wasn't just saying the words in an effort to either keep her around or to get laid). I had reached a point where for both our sakes I needed to put my heart on the line and 'fess up. Thanks for your comment... you can read my previous post, it's also related to what we're talking about here if you're interested, I'm just not going to repeat myself I'm glad you learned something from your first relationship and, oh, aww, congratulations on your 25th anniversary Makes the pain worth the lesson you learned, look where you are now! Glad things worked out for you in the end
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I just don't know what to think here, I'm just not ready to say it because it means I have to be utterly vulnerable and I'll be pretty hurt if he doesn't say it back after putting me through this. Stop this. Do you kiss each other? Do you have sex with each other? Come on. Look him in the eyes after you kiss him and tell him you love him, if that's what you feel. If he's not on the same page, then that's how it is. Heck I do this with long-time friends. It's not like you're going to die. Do it tonight
Island Girl Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 If it's not so scary to you then why do you have that rule and have never said it first? What makes it so that you can't ever say those words first? Why would anyone make it a rule never to say it first? That seems ridiculous to me. No one knows whether or not they are going to love someone, loving someone isn't something you plan on happening, it just does. You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I did what was best for me. I'm now in a very happy marriage with a wonderful man. I hope you are in a fulfilling relationship as well. If not, I hope it happens soon!
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