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What is the role of a step parent


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Posted

What are the expectations of a step parent vs. someone seriously dating someone with a child. My fiance has a 9 yr old son. Mother is not in the picture much. Some people tell me I am too involved with his son and others are saying I should be doing more. I've been in his life in some capacity since he was 2 yrs old. I've always acted like an aunt to him or something. My fiance says his son has never taken to anyone he's dated like he did to me. He said his son's love for me was a part in his decision to propose. His son lives with him full time. We do not yet live together but should soon (I'm the one who is waiting to move in).

 

I have always done a lot for his son (compared to his son's mom, I do a TON of things for him). I buy his school clothes, pick him up after daycare, help him with homework (fiance does this as well), make him dinner sometimes, bring him treats, take him to the movies (sometimes we just go by ourselves without my fiance) etc. I play games with him, talk to him about things that are bothering him, take him out to eat, have him read books to me to practice his reading, watch dvds with him. I am not trying to be his mother as he has one of those. But I am close to him and he loves me and of course I love him.

 

When it comes to discipline, my fiance and I have agreed that if my fiance is there he will discipline him. If I'm with him by myself, then I will. We've agreed to certain things like if he gets bad grades, no tv or video games for a week and more studying. He really doesn't do anything else that warrants punishment. He went off with a friend and did not tell anyone where they were going about a year ago and got grounded for a week.

 

I think it is a very fine line to walk. There are things I would do differently if he were my own and I've made some of those things known to my fiance but I don't tell him how to raise his son. I am confused because people who are parents are normally complain that my fiance is trying to make me his son's mother. Or that I am trying to be his son's mother. Again I don't feel that is the case. I do think my fiance wants him to have a good mother-figure in his life and since his real mom is not up to the challenge he is sort hoping I take on the role. Is the step parent expected to do everything for the child just as their own parent would do?

 

I ask because of an incident that bothered me the other day. I hate to post this because we've been having a great time and getting along so well and this is just a small thing that bothers me. The day in question, I had been staying the night so I could take his son to daycare in the morning (fiance had to get to work early for three days so I stayed and took him when daycare opened before i had to go to work) I picked him up after work, helped him with his homework, did some laundry (bedding), made dinner and was playing a game with his son when we discovered our heat pump was covered in ice. His son and I worked to get rid of the ice and my fiance came home. Now we have a rule at the house (this is different then his last apartment because the carpet was old) that everyone takes their shoes off when you come inside. Well his son had been playing outside and it was muddy and he came in the back door to ask me for some hot water. He stepped inside and got mud all over the floor. He knew what he did was wrong because immediately he said "I'll clean it up when I come in"

 

He walked in (and got more mud on the floor) about three more times. At this point I didnt' care because I knew he was going to clean it up. When he and my fiance came in his son started watching tv and then he remembered he had to clean up the mud. He asked me where the mop was. I said I don't know ask your dad, as I have no idea where he keeps it. Well he never asked his dad, he just kept watching tv so when my fiance came in I said to him "You have a mess to clean up by the back door"

 

He saw all the mud and got the mop and cleaned it up. I got dinner out and we sat down and what he said to me upset me enough that I wanted to leave. He said "Why couldn't you clean that up, it only took me two minutes". Now, he did not know that I had helped his son with his homework, did laundry, went grocery shopping that day. But he did know I picked his son up, made dinner and worked on the heat pump. I told him that I didn't make the mess so I didn't feel I should clean it up. That it was his son that made it, said he'd clean it up and didn't. I got mad because he was irritated at ME that I didn't clean the mud up when HIS son was the one who caused it. You want to be irritated at someone, go to the source!! His rational was it would only take two minutes to clean up so it wasn't a big deal and I just should have done it.

 

Now maybe I shouldn't have said what I did, but in my defense, if he wants to let his son be lazy and not be responsible for things and wants to pick up after him all the time, then thats fine. But I am not going to do that. A 9 year old is perfectly capable of wiping mud up off the floor. I told my fiance that he'd asked me where the mop was and I told him I didn't know. He said well why didn't you go look for it? I said well he could have done the same thing! His response was "do you expect him to be a freakin' genius?" I had to laugh at the thought that a 9year old (who is not mentally retarded or disabled in anyway) would be regarded as a genius because he could walk to a closet or go to the basement to search for a mop.

 

I don't have any kids so I used the analogy that if one of my cats had an accident or threw up on the floor and I was there at the time, I would expect to clean it up. I would not expect my fiance or his son to clean up their mess because my cats are MY responsibility. i realize that is not a great comparison but thats as close as I can get. If one of my friend's kids was at my home and made a huge mess I would expect my friend to clean it up. Now if it was something that required immediate action such as spilled kool aid then of course I would clean it up myself. And if his son had made the mud mess when his dad wasn't home, I would have pushed harder for him to clean it up or I would have just done it myself.

 

My fiance said he grew up where it didn't matter whose mess it was you just cleaned it up if you saw it. He did appologize to me for getting upset and said he understands that I felt like I was being treated like a maid or something and didn't mean to make me feel that way. He said he just feels that I want to divide everything into MINE and THEIRS and only be responsible for MINE. Well I don't feel that is true because I do things for his son I just don't want to pick up after him (I will do things like bring his dish to the sink after he eats if he doesn't, or if he spills something I help him clean it up.) He's a good kid and he didn't deliberately make the mud mess (he does do things like help with the dishes if you ask him) but for some reason I just felt it wasn't my responsibility to clean it up and got very hurt/irritated that my fiance thought it WAS my responsibility.

 

It may have to do with the fact I haven't lived with anyone in a while where we shared chores (we each did our own thing).

 

I guess I am just confused because it seems I am supposed to take all the responsibility just as his mother should but then I'm considered over stepping my bounds in other areas. For example, I went to a parent teacher conference at his school with my fiance, and the teacher would not let me sit in on it. Said only biological parents are welcome. That really upset me. I don't know if that was a legal thing or just the teacher's opinion. So what are the expectations of a step parent?

Posted

You have been in his son's life long enough to be a step parent. You are helping to raise him, regardless of whether you move in or not. You can and should act like a parent.

 

My H and I have been married nearly 4 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. Because she lives with us, although she sees her bio Dad - we are raising her in our home. Both of us.

 

The MOST important thing that I have learned (and this is HUGE).

 

Do not ever ever dispute or question the dicipline techniques of the other in front of the child.

 

Sometimes I think H is being completely unfair, sometimes too soft, sometimes I'm really opposed....and the same goes for him. We can disagree - and do - but NEVER in front of her.

 

At times (rarely) , after discussion later one or the other of us has had to change our minds about a grounding, etc....but she has never been part of the discussion.

 

To do so brings on manipulations and a power struggle with the child.

 

You will make every mistake in the book and thats OK. But make this a rule that is not optional.

Posted

Lexi -

 

Based on your previous posts, I have mixed views on this post. Firstly I can totally understand your fiance thinking you try to keep your responsibilities and his separate - reality is that you do.

 

You've made it clear on several occassions that his financial postion is precarious in your opinion, and you do not want to become responsible for his share of the expenses. I've never understood how you could feel ready to marry while not wanting to accept your half of a mutual support role.

 

As far as his son goes, you know that yoru fiance overindulges him - this has been another consistent theme of yours. IMHO your position was fine, I think the way you expressed it wasn't. You should have told him that his son committed to clean up the mud (before you even said anything) and you were holding him to his word. I would then say that you feel it is important to teach kids these things.

 

This has nothing to do with all the things you did with and for his son that day or in the past - this issue is all about teaching kids to be responsible. You know your fiance and you don't have the same views on this topic - so either accept that and move on, or just move on (and away).

 

As far as the teacher conferences go, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in this day and age of all types of mixed families. Are you sure the school said only biological parents, or perhaps only parents? While you have accepted a substantial amount of parenting responsibilities for his son, you are not yet a parent, or even someone who is raising him - you are still just helping his father out. Once you move in to the house, you will be helping to raise him - and I would find it hard to believe that they would keep you out of the room.

Posted

i would say that you handled your actions just fine. the words you used could have been more clear with the child.

 

when he didn't do as he said, you could have reminded him what he committed to doing and that he hadn't done it yet, giving him some direction on where the mop may have been or a time limit to be finished with the task.

 

you are in a no win and non rewarding situation. you need to accept it for that because that is what it is. his father always lets him off the hook when it comes to being a responsible and accountable kid. this will cause concerns as he gets older. this will always place you as the bad guy unless you stay completely out of it (which is really hard!).

 

also, the boy will resent you whether you do nice things or not nice things to/with him. this is because he secretly wishes it were his MOM doing these things instead of you. this is a tough one because you are in a no win situation! if you do something nice - he's mad that his Mom is incapable of doing THAT nice thing. it happens instinctively. it sucks - BIG TIME!

 

i'm sorry - it's hard...

 

he is going into some tough teenage years and it will become more difficult for all of you... can you handle it for the next 10 years? his Dad doesn't seem to have a firm boundary on the dynamics between the three of you and that just adds fuel to the fire. it will make you feel disrespected and discounted at every turn.

 

again, i'm sorry - i do know these things from experience though, and it's very painful... you will need a lot of strength and courage to get through with your sanity intact. hugs

Posted

What has one persons relationship with another got to do with a child from another relationship? If you aren't the childs parent then you have no responsibility to the child.

 

If you were to attempt to assume responsibility for - say - my child I would refuse it. The child is from another relationship and as such is responsibility of your fiancee. You might want some responsibility... but it isn't yours to ask for. Your fiancee may even want to give it to you. But it isn't his to give away.

 

The child is immune from both infantile fantasies. Have your own children. The child from your fiancee and another woman is theirs to deal with. That is part of the responsibility involved in safe sex, and well you get it... sex in general out of wed LOCK.

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Posted
The MOST important thing that I have learned (and this is HUGE).

 

Do not ever ever dispute or question the dicipline techniques of the other in front of the child.

 

 

To do so brings on manipulations and a power struggle with the child.

 

You will make every mistake in the book and thats OK. But make this a rule that is not optional.

 

 

Good advice, I actually learned this from my parents and my fiance and I NEVER disagree about discipling his son for this exact reason.

 

I grew up with married parents(and still are to this day) My dad was the bread winner, my mom a stay at home mom. There were so many times when my mom would punish me for something (once when I was 15 I stayed out all night with a friend and never called home. my mom was worried sick and grounded me for a week. Next day my dad said oh dont' worry you're not grounded anymore and totally undermined mom's authority. Other examples were when my dad would punish me or my sister and I for something (once we were grounded and not allowed to use the phone or watch tv) My mom would let us watch tv and talk on the phone when dad wasn't home. They would also argue over the punishment in front of us. So yes, I know this is a big mistake to do so.

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Posted
i would say that you handled your actions just fine. the words you used could have been more clear with the child.

 

when he didn't do as he said, you could have reminded him what he committed to doing and that he hadn't done it yet, giving him some direction on where the mop may have been or a time limit to be finished with the task.

 

you are in a no win and non rewarding situation. you need to accept it for that because that is what it is. his father always lets him off the hook when it comes to being a responsible and accountable kid. this will cause concerns as he gets older. this will always place you as the bad guy unless you stay completely out of it (which is really hard!).

 

also, the boy will resent you whether you do nice things or not nice things to/with him. this is because he secretly wishes it were his MOM doing these things instead of you. this is a tough one because you are in a no win situation! if you do something nice - he's mad that his Mom is incapable of doing THAT nice thing. it happens instinctively. it sucks - BIG TIME!

 

i'm sorry - it's hard...

 

he is going into some tough teenage years and it will become more difficult for all of you... can you handle it for the next 10 years? his Dad doesn't seem to have a firm boundary on the dynamics between the three of you and that just adds fuel to the fire. it will make you feel disrespected and discounted at every turn.

 

again, i'm sorry - i do know these things from experience though, and it's very painful... you will need a lot of strength and courage to get through with your sanity intact. hugs

 

 

Thanks! It is fine with me if my fiance wants to let his son off the hook from his responsibilities or to clean up his own messes etc. If he wants to raise him that way- fine. He's not my child and I can't dictate what the rules or his responsibilities are. But I will NOT enable his son's behavior (or his) as in I won't clean up after him if he's supposed to clean something up, I won't dress him (yes, at times he still wants his dad to dress him which since we've moved in together dad has refused to do thankfully.) and also I won't let him sleep in my bed unless it is something like a thunderstorm (dad stopped letting him sleep in his bed when they moved into the new place and I'm surpised its worked!). Basically my feelings are I will do whatever I can to help him and nuture him and be a step parent and friend but I wont' clean up after him or baby him (as in clean his room, take his dirty clothes to the hamper, pick up his toys etc) If my fiance wants his son to not have any responsibilities so he can have a fun childhood, that is fine, I'll stand by him but I let him put part of the responsibility of that on me.

 

In other words, I feel if he doesn't want his son to have to clean up after himself then HE can do it but I don't feel like he should expect ME to clean up after him as well.

  • Author
Posted
Lexi -

 

Based on your previous posts, I have mixed views on this post. Firstly I can totally understand your fiance thinking you try to keep your responsibilities and his separate - reality is that you do.

 

You've made it clear on several occassions that his financial postion is precarious in your opinion, and you do not want to become responsible for his share of the expenses. I've never understood how you could feel ready to marry while not wanting to accept your half of a mutual support role.

 

As far as his son goes, you know that yoru fiance overindulges him - this has been another consistent theme of yours. IMHO your position was fine, I think the way you expressed it wasn't. You should have told him that his son committed to clean up the mud (before you even said anything) and you were holding him to his word. I would then say that you feel it is important to teach kids these things.

 

This has nothing to do with all the things you did with and for his son that day or in the past - this issue is all about teaching kids to be responsible. You know your fiance and you don't have the same views on this topic - so either accept that and move on, or just move on (and away).

 

As far as the teacher conferences go, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in this day and age of all types of mixed families. Are you sure the school said only biological parents, or perhaps only parents? While you have accepted a substantial amount of parenting responsibilities for his son, you are not yet a parent, or even someone who is raising him - you are still just helping his father out. Once you move in to the house, you will be helping to raise him - and I would find it hard to believe that they would keep you out of the room.

 

 

Hi how have you been, I haven't seen you on the boards for awhile.

 

You are right- I do keep things separate. Not worried about finances any longer though- my fiance had an interview and was thinking of taking this lower paying job and his boss found out about his interview and gave him a $2 raise so things are ok there.

 

I agree I probably went about the situation incorrectly. I didn't want to tell him that his son agreed to clean it up because I wanted to keep his son out of it. He was irritated that I just didn't take the time to clean it up and I was furious that he'd get irritated and expect me to do so like it is all my responsibility. That was the problem. I guess with feeling lately that I dont' really matter (as a co-parent, step parent, whatever) in his son's life especially after being so rudely banished from the parent-teacher conference (his own mother doesn't know or care what grade he is in) because I'm not biologically related to him, I just felt like I was being treated like a maid or something because I really have no right to help parent him but I'm expected to clean up after him and make dad's life easier. I guess that was my attitude.

 

I also think I am terribly afraid to be used by ANYONE so I want everything to be nearly equal or close to as fair as possible and thats why I want responsibility for my bills, life, etc and want him to have his responsibility accordingly. I'm willing to accept my half of the mutual responsibility but not the whole thing (responsibilty for everything) if that makes sense. I'm just afraid of being or feeling used.

Posted

I get what you are saying, and it makes me believe that this is not the right man for you. When you find the right one, these concerns stop existing.

 

What if something g-d forbid happens and one of you can no longer earn a living? Are you so committed to this man that you would pay the full freight for the entire family? Or would that make you feel used?

 

As far as bringing his son into it - there is most definitely a way to do it without being nasty or negative. You could have said, oh yes, son said he would clean it up, without my even asking - isn't that wonderful? I'm so impressed that he tries to pull his weight. Since he volunteered, I was leaving it for him.

 

Not everything needs to be a battle or perceived as an attack.

Posted

I don't think there is any one answer to the question you are asking. There are people doing it successfully every which way - keeping the parenting separate, blending it together, etc. The only thing that matters is that you and your fiance agree on what your role is to be and that the child understands it.

 

When I remarried, my now husband became a second dad to my kids because this is what they wanted. He's now been in their lives for 11+ years and, while they still see their biological dad each week, my husband is the primary father figure in their lives. This is how they wanted it, and he was happy to take on the burdens and blessings. But I also have friends who have remarried and their situations are different. There's mom, there's dad (not in the home) and there is the step-dad. The relationship is not the same but it works.

 

Parenting is an act of love, not biology.

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Posted
I get what you are saying, and it makes me believe that this is not the right man for you. When you find the right one, these concerns stop existing.

 

What if something g-d forbid happens and one of you can no longer earn a living? Are you so committed to this man that you would pay the full freight for the entire family? Or would that make you feel used?

 

As far as bringing his son into it - there is most definitely a way to do it without being nasty or negative. You could have said, oh yes, son said he would clean it up, without my even asking - isn't that wonderful? I'm so impressed that he tries to pull his weight. Since he volunteered, I was leaving it for him.

 

Not everything needs to be a battle or perceived as an attack.

 

 

I have just felt that in ALL my relationships. My last fiance (in my early 20's) had a good job as in made about $50,000 yr and that was just when he was starting out. I had a job that paid $11.50 hr. Yet, it turned out that I paid almost every single time we went out to eat because he'd never carry any money with him. He also bought me a really cheap engagement ring that I hated (cost him $400) and yet after we broke up he paid over $500 for a 2nd date with some girl he never saw again after that date. If you read my thread in the Family forum you'll see how again I feel someone is trying to take advantage and use me. So I'm very guarded when it comes to making sure everything is equal.

 

however, to answer your question about what would I do if my fiance were unable to work,would I take on all the bills for the family? in that case, yes I would. Just as if my fiance had a broken leg or was sick or something and his son made the mess, yes I would just clean it up. But when someone is healthy and able, I expect him to take care of his responsibilities.

Posted

Perhaps it's just the words you use. At what point will you feel his and hers responsibilities turn into OUR responsibilities? Instead of saying we each have to pay half - how about this is our total nut, I make more (if this is true) - so I'll contribute X and you contribute Y?

 

I responded to your post in the family forum, and frankly I do not consider your sister's friends taking advantage to at all be in the same ballpark as a fiance. To my knowledge you never expect to share your life with your sister's friend.

  • Author
Posted
Perhaps it's just the words you use. At what point will you feel his and hers responsibilities turn into OUR responsibilities? Instead of saying we each have to pay half - how about this is our total nut, I make more (if this is true) - so I'll contribute X and you contribute Y?

 

I responded to your post in the family forum, and frankly I do not consider your sister's friends taking advantage to at all be in the same ballpark as a fiance. To my knowledge you never expect to share your life with your sister's friend.

 

 

Sure, and I understand that, I am just pointing out why I think I am the way I am (want everything to be fair and equal) because this is what I've gone through in everyday life where people try to take advantage or have used me because I am the responsible one and because I feel bad saying no.

Posted

Everyday life is not the same as the man you share your life with. Tearing down those boundaries is part of what makes the relationship you share with HIM more important and special than all others. Otherwise you're just roommates.

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