MinusTwo Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Hey all, I'm surprised there's no sticky for general LDR dos and don'ts I'll be entering a LDR in about a month. We've been together for just about a year, and we're currently living together. We're going to be LD for about 2.5 years, so at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel (we'll likely move in together again after this point if we're still together). The thought of being away from her is hard.. I'm going to miss the few hours after work before we go to sleep. Having breakfast together in the mornings. Taking strolls along downtown to grab a bite or a flick. And running to the little video shop on the corner to have a glass of wine and watch a sometimes terrible movie. I know, I'm being over dramatic. But I feel like I'm losing her. I'll still be able to see her once a week most of the time. But I've been with her pretty much everyday from the moment we first started dating. So, my question for you veterans. What are the dos and don'ts of LDR? What are the little tips to making this work? I truly love her and would like our relationship to last. So here are some questions: - Skype vs. Text vs. Phone - I should probably switch to the same phone company as her to get mobile to mobile minutes right? I would hate to run over every month! - How to build strong trust and avoid jealousy - We're going to try and see each other every weekend, but how do you avoid jealousy on those busy weeks when one or the other is busy or going out with friends? - Tips - Any little tips that help you all through the distance would be lovely. I'm glad this forum is here! Misery loves company, and it's great that we can all get together and help each other through our little bumpy roads. :cool:
LikeCharlotte Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Hi Minus! I like skype. Its cheap or free and it work great most of the time. You can also use a cam with Skype. You can do this. You aren't losing her. Just stay calm and learn to do things on your own. It's not easy but it isn't impossible. There are lots of things you can do at a distance. Communication and trust become very important. Don't forget to share your schedules. I've read lots of things that people do in LDR's to keep things interesting. I believe someone posted a thread not long ago with ideas. When you need help come here and talk to the veterans. They help me all the time. Also, don't think of it as misery. I'm not miserable. You get a chance to make it work and that is never bad. GL!
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Hey MinusTwo I am in an LDR that started off just about like you guys. In person and together about a year and a half - living together the last year of that. Then we went long distance. We did not know how long it would be - thank goodness the two of you have a deadline! We are both prone to jealousy and in long distance even people who are normally not jealous can have issues with this. There can be jealousy and resentment because people are able to see and spend time with her/him and the LD partner can't. We set some ground rules from the very beginning to help with this. One is - if we are in our "recreational time" the SO comes first. There is never anything that we are doing that is more important than him/her. I have gone to the movies and of course I am not going to answer the phone during the movie - so I tell him what is happening before hand. We made an agreement that we are open books to each other. There are no questions that are off limits or considered "stupid". We both answer questions directly. And it doesn't matter if the question has already been asked, etc. We never ever answer a question with a question. Like "Why do you ask?", etc. My husband just knows how I am - and I know how he is. There have been times when he is in mixed company and I hear the girl(s) in the background. That is a trigger to be sure. I ask who he is with he tells me all of their names. If I say who is the girl (usually a cousin) then he tells me and if I ask he hands her the phone. I know that seems extreme - perhaps it is - but we don't have the luxury of seeing each other. During this entire time (seven years) there have been two visits. But I would do the same. The worst insecurity is ignited by a person of the opposite sex "hanging out" or being around your SO when you can't be there to see what is really going on. Be conscious of expressing truly how you feel. If you are feeling insecure then you need to say that. It does come out anyway - in all sorts of weird ways that are bad for the relationship - so it is best just to get it out there and talk about it. Both my husband and I try to keep each other safe from those fears. Reassurances are never a problem or too much. One of the posters here has "game night" with her SO. They log online and play against each other all the while talking etc. Almost like being right there. Skype is WONDERFUL and free as long as both people have the program. And as LikeCharlotte said you can web cam and talk too. You can still surprise her often by sending letters and gifts in the mail. Don't tell her you are doing so - but occasionally send them and she will get a heartwarming surprise. She may return the favor as well. The gifts can be anything and can be things that will inspire memories of times you have shared together or things you have doen together. Being long distance can make the two of you stronger and more intimate then two people rarely get to be when you are together. It is really up to each person to make themselves completely vulnerable. It can be really hard to completely bare yourself to someone. And when you do not have non verbal queues that are telling you the other person is receptive it can be even harder. You have to really have the ultimate trust. I hope that helps!
gracielou Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Hey all, - Skype vs. Text vs. Phone - I should probably switch to the same phone company as her to get mobile to mobile minutes right? I would hate to run over every month! My boyfriend and I do all of the above. Due to the 3 hrs time difference to actually talk to each other for long periods of time we use skype. We also have set up a talk time every night. When the time doesn't work out with our schedules because we are both going out for the night or homework or we are just busy we try to arrange another time. Some nights we just can't talk but those are very few. We also IM and text pretty constantly. So we are in constant communication most of the day. (we both have unlimited texting plans which is a major plus) - How to build strong trust and avoid jealousy - We're going to try and see each other every weekend, but how do you avoid jealousy on those busy weeks when one or the other is busy or going out with friends? That is a hard one. It has helped that we were very trusting while we were together. We were together for just over a year before i moved out to califronia for grad school. Last year, while we were both in undergrad there were nights where we would go out and do our own things and then meet up later in the night at the same party, or since i was older id head out to the bar with my friends for the night. So that trust was already there. The only thing i worry about when he goes out is him drinking too much and getting sick since this has/still is a little bit of a problem. He knows it bothers me and he knows my stance on that. Hes been able to curb the behavior for the most part. I use to bug him while he was out and "check up" on him however i have slowly stopped doing that. I find that i will randomly just send him a text saying that i love him and he responds then i let him be - Tips - Any little tips that help you all through the distance would be lovely. I'm glad this forum is here! Misery loves company, and it's great that we can all get together and help each other through our little bumpy roads. :cool: as for other tips- Have some sort of end date. Ours is july 2010 From what you said u will be doing the LDR for 2.5 years, make sure you try to stick to that and have a guaranteed month of when it will end. As it gets closer then a day can be figured out. Be creative in showing affection to each other You can also do "date" nights via skype where you watch a show together or cook dinner together. My boyfriend and I watch a show together ever week, I have a friend who will "spend" saturdays with his partner on skype where they will both grade the sections they have to TA for "together" and they also cook dinner together. Its a matter of trying different things and finding something that works for both of you. The one thing you must learn to do is communicate. Communication is key!
KikiW Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 As others mentioned - SKYPE. It's free and invaluable in LDRs. Text if you can, too. I would say that you aren't losing her, but you will experience a feeling of loss. You are losing the one on one time together, and that is significant. If you both are committed to staying together, you need to make the effort to stay in touch often, share your days with each other, and visit as often as you can. It is hard work, but it can be done. As for jealousy, if YOU are the jealous type, you need to tell her that, but also not be such a jealous person that she feels she can't make any new friends or have a social life. If she says she went out for coffee with a new friend, it's ok to be jealous, because YOU want to be the one she has coffee with. But make a date night where you both make a pot of coffee and talk about stuff. Or watch the same TV shows and chat during the commercials. Watch the same movies and talk about how good or bad it was... Good luck!
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