explain how I can learn to accept porn and checking out other women

[Trialbyfire]

The key word is "realistic".

 

My father is currently recovering from surgery from lung cancer. This has nothing to do with realistic expectations in a partner or life in general.

 

You have control over your own life. You also have control over how you react to external stimuli.

 

While people can be victimized, it's up to them to remain a victim or to take charge of what they need in life.

[manugeorge]

The key word is "realistic".

 

My father is currently recovering from surgery from lung cancer. This has nothing to do with realistic expectations in a partner or life in general.

 

You have control over your own life. You also have control over how you react to external stimuli.

 

While people can be victimized, it's up to them to remain a victim or to take charge of what they need in life.

 

This is VERY true.

[Jersey Shortie]

The key word is "realistic".

 

What is "realistic"? And should your idea of realistic be the carbon copy of another's idea of "realistic"? Is one person's idea of "realistic" the staple by which we should all live? Are you trying to say you have all of life figured out? I know I don't.

 

 

My father is currently recovering from surgery from lung cancer. This has nothing to do with realistic expectations in a partner or life in general.

 

The comment you previously made was that people complicate their lives for the sake of it. I disagree that that's all it amounts to.

 

Your life expectations can be vastly different from anothers and be no less wrong or right then anothers.

 

No one here isn't arguing that you don't have control over your life. But you don't dictate every thing that happens to you and gets thrown your way. You can however dictate how you handle it. Some people get it right, some people make mistakes. And yet other times, those people that got it right the last time, mabye they get it wrong another. People make mistakes. Yes, mistakes make life more difficult. But there is not one person here that can say they never made a mistake. Without mistake, we learn nothing. And no one here made any mention of playing the victim, so that part that you brought up confuses me.

[Trialbyfire]

This is VERY true.

Thanks.

 

Two years ago today, I was working my way through a separation, leading to divorce, from my cheating ex-H. One year ago today, I was working my way through the most challenging LD thing with someone who was in essence, toxic for me. This year, I'm engaged to someone who's very good for me, a wonderful, giving man, someone who prioritizes me, the way I prioritize him.

 

No doubt life has its challenges. When you keep hitting your head against a brick wall, you have to learn to walk away, for your own personal sanity.

[soserious1]

Logically I know that I cannot control him, plus most likely I would not respect a man I was controlling. I have read many of your opinions, stating that this is just what men like to do. But I must be honest and admit that when I realize he chooses to fantasize about being with other women, it stings - mostly because I do give him my best - caring so much about him and what his needs might be and then when I know he chooses to focus on fantasizing about other women, I feel hurt. Also, when I see him check out other women, that too stings. Since fighting about it, he just does not talk about it with me, but he sure got angry when I first brought it up, telling me that I should not tell him what to look at. I tried to explain that it hurts me. The ironic thing is that I partially agree with him - how can I respect a almost 50 year old man, if I try to tell him what to do? I am not stupid and realize that he still views porn when I am not in his company.

Are there any tools for me to use, in order to deal with this? One time, before he knew that it would upset me, he even told me when talking during foreplay, discussing fantasies, that wouldn't I like to imagine him doing two twenty years olds, one blonde, one brunette and I could watch and give him input. I cannot even tell you how sad that made me feel. He was surprised that I would get upset or hurt, over anything talked about during sex, as it was just a fantasy idea...But it made me feel that I was not attractive enough...(I am in my late forties, but honestly still receive a lot of attention from other men - most people say that they do not believe my age.)

I am not male bashing, I am honestly asking for help, in dealing with the jealousy and insecurity issues I feel when these things occur. I must be honest when I say that it makes me angry and a little less in love. I thought that if I provide him with sex, which I very much enjoy, that he would not need to look at porn. But it seems that I would want it more than he would, so there is not any underlying shortage of sex, causing hime to seek this out. I do not think that he is addicted to porn, but just enjoys it.

So, any ideas on how I can look at this, what thoughts to put in my head, other than the ones I have now? If he masturbates to these images of other women, and looks women up and down without even realizing it when an attractive women is in his view, why would I believe that if he is presented with an opportunity, that he would choose to actiually turn it down? He is more careful about being so obvious, since undergoing the wrath of my disgust one time. He has been married twice, was not going to get married again, "did not believe in the institution any longer", but did decide to get engaged when I explained that I needed that level of commitment or otherwise I would most likely need to move on, since I know that I wish to have a life time partner that I marry, and we have been dating for a couple of years now, and cohabitate. I must add, that he once told me that he had a six month long affair during his first marriage - simply because the opportunity presented itself to him with an extremely attractive woman. He explained that he felt so much guilt afterwards, that he learned from it, and would not wish to go down that path again. His wife ended up cheating on him years later and left him, and he never told her about his actions.

Is there something wrong with me to feel hurt? Can I fix or control my reactions? Can I learn to believe that fantasy does not need to become reality?

Please only respond if you have any positive ideas for me.

 

 

All I can say that contemplating marriage to a person who's already been married twice, who admits to infidelity at least once and who checks out other women so openly in front of you that it makes you uncomfortable is not a good idea.

 

 

I'm in my early 50's.. and paying alimony to an ex-husband who did the same sorts of things, the issues got so bad here that the marriage was totally sexless by his choice, he felt I should be grateful to have a husband and that my interest in sex was disgusting and unseemly due to my age. He's moved on and is exclusive with a 33 yr old woman who is 22 years his junior. I've got a couple of cats and a roomate.

[sxyNYCcpl]

As I said previously, I agree fantasies are normal. To a point and degree. I think people today over-indulge themselves and give themselves free licenses to do so because that is the easier path then exercising self control or thinking about what their partner could possibly need. Fantasy isn't bad. However, we live in a world of over-loaded information and yes over-loaded on "fantasy".

 

You haven't defined or quantified anything, so it's a little difficult to make a counter-point. Fantasy isn't bad, just don't go over the line? Where's the line? Why have a line at all?

 

The type of things grown men with families and wives might indulge in like thinking about their babysitters or three somes with 20 year olds...why even bother having a family if that's what your thinking about.

 

Be careful what you wish for, if the amount of men (and women, for that matter) who harbored such fantasies decided to not be in relationships, it would border on 100%. And since my relationship does occasionally include threesomes with 20-somethings (though no baby-sitters) I'll answer your hypothetical... We "bother" being in a relationship because we didn't enter into it for the sole purposes of having sex, of any kind.

 

What I did say, over and over again that you like to ignore is that men should exercise more self control then they do. And that just because you have a feeling for something, doesn't mean you should be acting out on it at your whim of fancy. Do men have the ablility to use self control or not?

 

Yes, you have said it over and over, but I don't think I've ignored it. All people, regardless of gender, have some degree of self-control. However, it seems to me that the act of watching a movie in private is something that crosses the line.

 

If you don't want to compromise, don't have a relationship. But why get into a relationship, saying how much you want to be with this one person, then tell that one person how much you need other women?

 

At the risk of being repetitive, if your requirement in a potential partner is that at no time will they ever view, notice, lust, fantasize, or imagine women other than you in their own sexuality, you are going to be searching for a long, long, long time.

 

But why is a man's desire to both have one mate and the ideas of other women to entertain himself with beat out what a woman can need or desire as a woman?

 

I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why can't I travel faster than the speed of light? It is what it is, and whining about it won't change it.

 

"Life isn't fair guys, so put down the porn and don't purposely seek things out that you know goes against the message of being commited and loving and loyal to your partner."

 

Aha! We get to the crux of the matter, the inner truth. Viewing porn goes against the message of being committed. Does watching the NFL imply I want to leave my job and play football? Does enjoying CSI mean I want to go out and kill people for fun? Of course not. Then why would you think that viewing images of sexual activity would mean that anyone was looking to violate their committments to their SO?

 

And a man that is taking the physical action to get off to porn and have sex with his partner on top of that is sending the message, to some women, that she is not good enough for him to be happy with. Maybe you think that shouldn't be true.

 

It's not that I think it *shouldn't be* true, it's that I think it *isn't* true. Big difference.

[Trialbyfire]

What is "realistic"? And should your idea of realistic be the carbon copy of another's idea of "realistic"? Is one person's idea of "realistic" the staple by which we should all live? Are you trying to say you have all of life figured out? I know I don't.

 

The comment you previously made was that people complicate their lives for the sake of it. I disagree that that's all it amounts to.

 

Your life expectations can be vastly different from anothers and be no less wrong or right then anothers.

 

No one here isn't arguing that you don't have control over your life. But you don't dictate every thing that happens to you and gets thrown your way. You can however dictate how you handle it. Some people get it right, some people make mistakes. And yet other times, those people that got it right the last time, mabye they get it wrong another. People make mistakes. Yes, mistakes make life more difficult. But there is not one person here that can say they never made a mistake. Without mistake, we learn nothing. And no one here made any mention of playing the victim, so that part that you brought up confuses me.

My comment about realistic has to do with you throwing in your father's illness as an example of negativity that affects your life. It had nothing to do with my response to Mr. Lucky, about walking away. Go back to what Mr. Lucky was being sarcastic about.

 

All I'm saying is that if your life is filled with negativity and you're not getting what you want, perhaps it's time to do something about it. You're not trapped in any place. You can affect change, be it attitude or environment.

 

Having said all that, I think this particular thread has two elements to it. One is porn or the skin industry, which is something that I don't personally find threatening. If anything, it's a joke to me.

 

The other aspect is cheating. One isn't synonymous with the other, unless you believe it to be so.

[manugeorge]

My comment about realistic has to do with you throwing in your father's illness as an example of negativity that affects your life. It had nothing to do with my response to Mr. Lucky, about walking away. Go back to what Mr. Lucky was being sarcastic about.

 

All I'm saying is that if your life is filled with negativity and you're not getting what you want, perhaps it's time to do something about it. You're not trapped in any place. You can affect change, be it attitude or environment.

 

Having said all that, I think this particular thread has two elements to it. One is porn or the skin industry, which is something that I don't personally find threatening. If anything, it's a joke to me.

 

The other aspect is cheating. One isn't synonymous with the other, unless you believe it to be so.

 

Attitude, enviroment AND PEOPLE too. If you keep picking the ones that insists on sh*tting on you, then guess what? it's not them, it's you, you're the common denominator and there is something you are doing, be it consciously or subconsciously that keeps leading you to the same kind of crappy men that are not good for you. There is some need in you that they are fufilling that you probably are not even conscious of...get thee to therapy ASAP.

 

And if you let the actions of one, just one, dictate your attitude towards life and towards men in general, then you are making yourself a victim and giving him the permission to rule your life. You are essentially telling yourself, him and the world that you are chicken sh*t and deserve to be controlled, manipulated and preyed upon. Remember, we teach people how to treat us.

[Enema]

These things take time, you can't just "learn to accept".

 

You'll break up with this guy about porn/perving, the next guy, the next guy, and maybe the next guy after that.

 

As you mature you will either wake up naturally and it just won't bother you, or you'll cling to the childish feelings and be unhappy unless you find a minority guy that doesn't look at porn/other women.

[Jersey Shortie]

And when do men wake up Enema? When do men wake up to the point that if they choose to be in a relationship, it's not just all about them anymore. To wake up and learn that porn is actually in many way's about a man's insecurity in his own sexuality.

 

When do men have to learn to "accept it". Accept that women aren't porn stars and life isn't a porno fantasy and learn to accept being happy with what someone gives them as a woman, a human being. Not a sex toy that has no needs of her own. Maybe the boy that wished that the porn fantasy was true should grow up and really learn to accept a woman for who she is and be happy with her for the woman she is and what she can give you then forever seeking out a fantasy world that tells you you need more more more. Perhaps men need to move on to acutally growing up themselves and realizing that real women are more important then porn? Why is always the woman that have to make the consessions. Are men not capable of giving themselves? Is porn truely that important a part of men's lives today that most men can't life without it? If that's the truth then that's really very sad.

 

Porn caters to men's weaknesses and insecurities about themselves. That's not maturity. I actually think porn is pretty immature and panders to a man's or boy's insecurities. Most men start looking at porn as boys and it appeals to them as boys. What does it say about men if something that appealed to them as boys still appeals to them as men? I think it says something about the break down in maturity.

 

There is nothing in porn that's about maturity, respect, or anything that is about treating women with kindness and like they are actually human beings with needs of their own. Porn is about feeding into the areas that men are unsure of. Their sexual prowness. Their desirablity to women. Their control over a situation. Their pleasure. Their performance. All these things men worry about that porn feeds their egos about a fantasy that doesn't have to worry about how a women thinks or feels during the experience. Even though supposedly sex requires two.

 

I personally think that the real leap is men learning to be grateful and appreciative of what his partner gives him everyday, in bed and out of it, instead of seeking out fantasies that feed into his own insecurities as a man and never learning to be happy with what he is offered or learning how to feel like a man without having to engage in a hyper extended sexual world. Because that's exactly why porn is so enticing to men. It makes them feel like men. Perhaps men are the insecure ones that they need something like porn to make them feel like men.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

Be careful what you wish for, if the amount of men (and women, for that matter) who harbored such fantasies decided to not be in relationships, it would border on 100%. And since my relationship does occasionally include threesomes with 20-somethings (though no baby-sitters) I'll answer your hypothetical... We "bother" being in a relationship because we didn't enter into it for the sole purposes of having sex, of any kind.

No, at least that would be more honest. At least men wouldn't get into relationships pretending they cared about really being true to a woman, meeting her needs and being commited to her. And at least she wouldn't have to be with a man that wanted to be with 20 something girls with implants having threesomes. The real reason I think men have relationships is because they desire the same things women do. I however think men want it both ways and don't deam women important enough to them to make the hard choices sometimes to deny themselves something out of respect for their partner. Don't have a relationship if you only care about your desirse and wants and only want your partner to accept yours and be unwilling to make any consessions your self. So many men don't ever want to make any consessions on the sexual aspect and expect women to be the ones making all the consessions at the expense of their own needs.

Yes, you have said it over and over, but I don't think I've ignored it. All people, regardless of gender, have some degree of self-control.

Exactly. I don't sit there and eat cake every night even though it would feel good. I control myself. I ask that men do the same. If I ate cake the same amount that the average male in a relationship views porn, I would be over weight.

At the risk of being repetitive, if your requirement in a potential partner is that at no time will they ever view, notice, lust, fantasize, or imagine women other than you in their own sexuality, you are going to be searching for a long, long, long time

.

The fact that you have utter this statement proves to me that you have picked and choose the comments of mine that you want to aknowledge and ignore. I know I have said to you more then once that I never said at no time did I not expect a man' to not lust after another. What I expect is he do his best to control it. Huge difference you continue to ignore.

Originally Posted by Jersey Shortie

But why is a man's desire to both have one mate and the ideas of other women to entertain himself with beat out what a woman can need or desire as a woman?

You: I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why can't I travel faster than the speed of light? It is what it is, and whining about it won't change it.

 

How is this a logical response to the question I asked? My question is a very good one. Your question is going off on tangents that have nothing to do with the subject. Bascially what your reponse tells me that men do think their needs are more important then a woman's and hers don't matter so she should shut up, not mention what she desires because that's "whining" and just let him have all the desires he needs, try to fullfill his but keep hers on the back burner. That seems to be what you are saying.

 

Aha! We get to the crux of the matter, the inner truth. Viewing porn goes against the message of being committed. Does watching the NFL imply I want to leave my job and play football? Does enjoying CSI mean I want to go out and kill people for fun? Of course not. Then why would you think that viewing images of sexual activity would mean that anyone was looking to violate their commitments to their SO?

Because you aren't masturbating to a football game. You aren't lusting after other women when yuo watch CSI. The fact that porn includes men, women, sex and how men and women relate to each other is reaseon alone to understand why your asexual comparison to a football games makes absolutely no sense.

Originally Posted by Jersey Shortie

And a man that is taking the physical action to get off to porn and have sex with his partner on top of that is sending the message, to some women, that she is not good enough for him to be happy with. Maybe you think that shouldn't be true.

You: It's not that I think it *shouldn't be* true, it's that I think it *isn't* true. Big difference.

Well, as I said. A man's actions speaks louder then his words. A man that defends porn but says it's not important is actually doing the opposite of what his words are saying. Actions will always speak louder then words and there are alot of women getting the message everyday that their men are willing to look at porn at the cost of their relationships.

[Enema]

And when do men wake up Enema? When do men wake up to the point that if they choose to be in a relationship, it's not just all about them anymore.

 

 

That's why they just look........

 

Take note women, if you don't grow out of it - you turn into a Jersey. Scary.

[soserious1]

I think it is important to deal with reality. As a divorced woman in her early 50's the reality for me is that if a man is expressing physical/sexual interest in me it's because of the following.

 

1. I'm either paying him or he senses that I can give him things, help him out

 

2. He figures I'm old enough to be desperate and grateful-assuming the one down position of power in a relationship

 

3. He assumes that I am easily disposable, a warm,wet hole that will be good enough for now till a woman he likes more comes along. He will also most likely be shocked if I get upset when the relationship ends.. I should have known going in after all that this was short term

 

4. Chances are good that in order to become aroused enough physically to be sexually intimate with me, he's going to need to use porn and a lot of it,he's also going to need to think about/visual other women while he is with me because at my age my face and body aren't attractive enough to incite any sort of physical lust and I'm also going to need to learn to use things like flattering lights in the bedroom and lingere to cover and conceal my worst body flaws lest I turn him off visually.

 

 

5. if the man is even moderately attractive and successful, chances are very good that the relationship will not last if the man is within 3 yrs of my age... men in their early 50's have many more options open to them romantically than women in their early 50's.. why would he settle for me if he can get a 37 yr old?

 

 

OP,you either deal with reality and learn to settle, being grateful that he bothers to have sex with you at all or you stay single, get a roomate and a cat or two because in mid-life the power shifts over to men in terms of romance and dating.

[Lovelybird]

I think it is important to deal with reality. As a divorced woman in her early 50's the reality for me is that if a man is expressing physical/sexual interest in me it's because of the following.

 

1. I'm either paying him or he senses that I can give him things, help him out

 

2. He figures I'm old enough to be desperate and grateful-assuming the one down position of power in a relationship

 

3. He assumes that I am easily disposable, a warm,wet hole that will be good enough for now till a woman he likes more comes along. He will also most likely be shocked if I get upset when the relationship ends.. I should have known going in after all that this was short term

 

4. Chances are good that in order to become aroused enough physically to be sexually intimate with me, he's going to need to use porn and a lot of it,he's also going to need to think about/visual other women while he is with me because at my age my face and body aren't attractive enough to incite any sort of physical lust and I'm also going to need to learn to use things like flattering lights in the bedroom and lingere to cover and conceal my worst body flaws lest I turn him off visually.

 

 

5. if the man is even moderately attractive and successful, chances are very good that the relationship will not last if the man is within 3 yrs of my age... men in their early 50's have many more options open to them romantically than women in their early 50's.. why would he settle for me if he can get a 37 yr old?

 

 

OP,you either deal with reality and learn to settle, being grateful that he bothers to have sex with you at all or you stay single, get a roomate and a cat or two because in mid-life the power shifts over to men in terms of romance and dating.

Women are much more than a sexual partner. Just because some men view women as only sexual object, yourself don't have to do so. You have to find that value for yourself first. Aging isn't so terrible thing than the heart aging. One can age and be gracious, joyful and young

 

In the end, men aren't women's gods, whenever a woman looks at their men as gods, the bitterness would find her. KEEP OUR SOUL HEALTHY is the only way to win, and compromise to porn using is destroying our souls

[soserious1]

Women are much more than a sexual partner. Just because some men view women as only sexual object, yourself don't have to do so. You have to find that value for yourself first. Aging isn't so terrible thing than the heart aging. One can age and be gracious, joyful and young

 

In the end, men aren't women's gods, whenever a woman looks at their men as gods, the bitterness would find her. KEEP OUR SOUL HEALTHY is the only way to win, and compromise to porn using is destroying our souls

 

With all due respect, in terms of romance, intimacy, finding and keeping a new relationship is in large part based on physical attractiveness. A good looking 35 yr old is going to be a LOT more visually appealing to a 50 yr old man than a 50 yr old woman is. That single 50 yr old man can easily find women in all age ranges to date and even to marry, the 50 yr old woman has much more limited options and a lot more competition. She's either going to accept that she's going to have to set her sights on a man in his 60's to early 70's in order to have a relationship or she's going to have to content herself with a series of short term flings till she's at the age when nobody wants her. That is reality and I didn't write the rules.

[Jersey Shortie]

That's why they just look........

 

Take note women, if you don't grow out of it - you turn into a Jersey. Scary.

 

You are not making any sense. I think that it's men that need to grow out of it. Grow up and be real men we can love and respect. And not remain these little man-boys that don't want to act adults and then wonder why we are frustrated with you because you act like you can't control yourselves.

[Lovelybird]

With all due respect, in terms of romance, intimacy, finding and keeping a new relationship is in large part based on physical attractiveness. A good looking 35 yr old is going to be a LOT more visually appealing to a 50 yr old man than a 50 yr old woman is. That single 50 yr old man can easily find women in all age ranges to date and even to marry, the 50 yr old woman has much more limited options and a lot more competition. She's either going to accept that she's going to have to set her sights on a man in his 60's to early 70's in order to have a relationship or she's going to have to content herself with a series of short term flings till she's at the age when nobody wants her. That is reality and I didn't write the rules.

true for many in the world. My point is that man isn't the ultimate source that keep us feel alive and joyful. Love is sweet and like heaven, but the moment we idolize them (do whatever suit them even that means violate morals, and think men are our happy and life source), the moment it will become hell.

 

Women have to find that joy and strength before they find their lovers. many 50' women are VERY attractive. what make them attractive?wisdom? grace? gentleness? peacefulness? joyfulness comes directly from their souls? they are young forever. you don't have to label yourself just because some immature men did

[Lovelybird]

True happiness cannot come from violating morals, sooner or later one will receive the bad consequences that come from violating the ultimate morals

[Mr. Lucky]

You are not making any sense. I think that it's men that need to grow out of it. Grow up and be real men we can love and respect. And not remain these little man-boys that don't want to act adults and then wonder why we are frustrated with you because you act like you can't control yourselves.

You do say the same thing every time, Jersey. It's always some version of "why can't men look at things the same way I do? Why can't they think the same way, have the same priorities and value the same things?"

 

Does that question really need an response? I think the answer is obvious but you don't seem to want to accept it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackJack]

I think Jersey is consistant in how she feels...

 

Just as those who love porn are.....

 

Bottom line IMO is, if your spouse or partner is doing something that bothers you, then its a true concern...address it the best way you can...if it falls of def ears and continues to do so,then perhaps you're with the wrong person.

 

No one should have to just accept anything, that bothers them.

[Jersey Shortie]

JackJack, the diplomat.

[sxyNYCcpl]

When do men have to learn to "accept it". Accept that women aren't porn stars and life isn't a porno fantasy and learn to accept being happy with what someone gives them as a woman, a human being.

Jersey, I have news for you... Sometimes life IS a porno fantasy. Really. Mine certainly is.

 

Porn caters to men's weaknesses and insecurities about themselves.

How ridiculous. How do you figure?

 

At least men wouldn't get into relationships pretending they cared about really being true to a woman, meeting her needs and being commited to her.

Watching sexual imagery and harboring fantasies does not imply a lack of committment.

 

And at least she wouldn't have to be with a man that wanted to be with 20 something girls with implants having threesomes.

Very few such men exist. And believe it or not, there a great many women who want threesomes with 20-something girls with implants, too. Moreso than you would ever believe.

 

So many men don't ever want to make any consessions on the sexual aspect and expect women to be the ones making all the consessions at the expense of their own needs.

Why should anyone make a concession?

 

Exactly. I don't sit there and eat cake every night even though it would feel good. I control myself. I ask that men do the same. If I ate cake the same amount that the average male in a relationship views porn, I would be over weight.

Cake has fat and calories. Porn does not. Unless the porn is replacing the sexuality between partners, it has no downside. That does happen from time to time. Whether it's a symptom of an other disease, the disease itself, or sometimes both I don't know.

 

I know I have said to you more then once that I never said at no time did I not expect a man' to not lust after another. What I expect is he do his best to control it. Huge difference you continue to ignore.

You have indeed. But just about every other word that comes out of your mouth (or fingers, I suppose) belies the opposite.

 

How is this a logical response to the question I asked? My question is a very good one. Your question is going off on tangents that have nothing to do with the subject.

You asked, loosely translated, why it was reasonable for a man to want (and have) a relationship with a single partner, only to have lust and fantasies for others. Notwithstanding I don't think it's a man/woman thing, as women have as many fantasies as men do, my answer was "why is water wet". It simply is what it is, because we are the way we are.

Because you aren't masturbating to a football game.

So effing what? What difference does it make what we are masturbating to? As long as we're not doing it so much that we can't (or don't want to) perform when you want a little something-something, it's irrelevant. And what if your man DOES masturbate to football, will you then place that off limits?

[popey]

The simple fact that people get so personal about this subject reveals (to me at least) how much is going on with it undre the surface. If it was a simple "it is what it is" people would feel fine w/ it being a matter of opinion. But very often, it is not... on both sides of the argument.

 

I am someone who has changed views on this subject. I did so by questioning. Those questions lead me to some really impactful readings.

 

here's a good start if you're interseted..

 

http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~rjensen/articles_gender.html

 

As for you're relationship OP, I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he has problems w/ empathy, validation and intimacy. Porn really is just a symptom. I know that is a tough situation. I hope for resolve for you.