Ballbear Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I recently found out that my wife (15 Years) had a e-mail affair with one of my friends. We met this couple a few months back, they live in a nother town, when they come and visit it`s always a sleep over. I had my suspisions but kep it to myself, one day I confronted them and they said I`m paranoid and that there is nothing between them. So I left it there. A couple of weeks ago I decided to buy my wife some flowers and delivered it personally. Her office layout is in such manner that she does not see when someone comes in, well I delivered the flowers and she was busy with a e-mail to him waht I saw horrified me and upon askeing her what the F%&K is going on she slammed the laptop closed and turned pale and said the the `friend`s` wife did not look good the previos day due to a operation. Whell the mail was not about his wife, but to him explaining her love to him. I then contacted the IT department and asked for a lay out of the mail`s between them. I was shocked why me ? What dit I do ? What did the kid`s do to deserve this ? Mostly the e-mail was about him not having a good marrage and that he envied us about our perfect marrage, and how good she was with their kid`s and that he would do anything to have relationship like ours. Telling her how beutifull she is, mostly compliments to her. After a while her told her that`s he is in love with her. Then it turned to Cyber sex, how, when and where. I stopped reading. After work she came home, me in a state of rage told her to leave and that she was a lying low life whore. She told me everything form the begining. How it started, everything, also told me that there was no phisical contaced between them. I was (still) is so angry, feeling betrayed, hurt, self blaiming. But whe got thru it. Next day the IT departmet phoned me and said that I must get there as soon as possible, there is more.... Turns out that there was a phisical encounter one time, no sex, but she giving him a hand job and he returned the favour, phoned her and asked why didn`t she tell me about this, she said that it was the one time only and she regrets it. She didn`t tell me because she was scared I would leave her. Also said that she felt a bit tipsy that night after a couple af drinks and when I left with his wife to the supermarket to buy so stuff for BBQ, it happened. I was devistated, broken, cried the whole day. I can see that she has remourse of her actions, but I can`t get the feeling of disgust out of my system. We did brake-up the friendship, the IT Department still monitors her mail and phine calls, seems that everyting stopped. How can I get to trus her again ? I still love her very much but this thing is eating me alive.
LakesideDream Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 First.... unless you own the company, or are a very high level executive what the hell is the IT dept doing giving your copies of anything she does on company time/computer? That being said, what you discribed isn't unusual at all. Email and IM affairs are extremely common these days. This age of technology has opened a brave new world of oppertunities. I know, I've been on both sides of it and I'm an old geezer. Instant communication makes cheating easier and more attractive. There is enough instant gratification to keep enven long distance relationships going. Sometimes electronic communicators have more interaction that husband and wife in real time. Where to you go from here? That's really up to you. Are you the kind of guy who can get past the betrayal and jealousy you suffer as a BS (betrayed spouse)? I don't envy your situation. Regardless of what happens you have a ery difficult road ahead of you.
Owl Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 YOu might suggest to the moderators that this thread be moved to the infidelity section, rather than the OM/OW forum. With that said...what are the two of you doing now to reconcile? Marriage counseling? Have you insisted that end all contact with him? Given you full and complete access to her computer/phone/etc...? Trust can often be rebuilt...there's a process to this. Also...how long ago did you find out?
stuckinoz Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 LakesideDream - I agree - Why on earth would an I.T. department be so forthcoming with information? Ballbear: Did you go to the I.T. department in hopes that your wife would lose her job? Have you spoken to your "Friend" yet? What is his side of the story? Do you also plan to tell his wife what happened?....afterall you are all friends.
wuggle Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Just for clarity, you spoke to the IT dept and asked them for copies of her emails and they gave them to you ? and they are monitoring her calls and emails ? Is this legal for them to do that ?
2sure Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 As in most cases of infidelity the first thing you have to do to begin the process of recovery is reveal the affair. Tale the secretness away from it . Make them the victims of their actions, not you. Right now the only person suffering consequences is you . The OM wife has got to be told. Period. The next thing is...I'm sorry, but I find it unbelievable that your wife's employer would give you copies of emails without a court subpoena.
Geishawhelk Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I smell a rat here. This sounds completely unreal... this bit in particular..... Next day the IT departmet phoned me and said that I must get there as soon as possible, there is more.... Turns out that there was a phisical encounter one time, no sex, but she giving him a hand job and he returned the favour Why would he need to "get there as soon as possible"...? how would they know about the physical encounter? Do we really believe employees, within one company, would e-mail each other about all this stuff, in this way, so brazenly and openly, knowing their mail is monitored and accessible by the IT department? Jeesh, where I worked, we couldn't even send each other a "good morning!" without the IT department calling us and asking: "Is that really necessary?"
jwi71 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 ballbear, Do NOT get to caught up in her lies. Of course she lies. Its part of the nature of the beast. Its more important to gather your senses and slow down. Breathe. Collect your thoughts. Actions -> Consequences Words -> Consequences So lets not SAY or DO anything that makes a horrific situation worse. First thing, the A MUST end in a verifiable manner. The BEST way to end an A is to enforce NC ( no contact) between your W and her lover. And the best way to do THAT is to expose it. To everyone. EVERYONE. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Church. Everyone. You NEED the extra eyes and the support. This does include the OM's W. Then DECIDE NOTHING. Make no decisions on ANYTHING. Just try and survive. Focus on eating and sleeping. Go to a divorce lawyer. Not to file divorce but to LEARN the law and your options. To get a trained legal advocate on YOUR side. Pay the hour fee and go. If you do NOT do this NOW, you will REGRET it later. When your W and you get into heated arguments - and you will -, she MAY spout out about taking this or doing that...you would be ARMED with the the truth of what she CAN or CANNOT actually do. Its very reassuring. Trust me on this (been there my friend). Now, go to MC. Commit to 3 months of weekly sessions. You must be honest and open. Tell NO lies in MC. Be open and honest but not in an attacking way. The goal here is to see if the M CAN survive. And it can. These are the first awful days of a long and painful fight. It DOES get better. And for those wondering, I do NOT see any obvious violations by the IT staff. Emails are considered the property of the company so they can do whatever they damn well please with them. The IT staff may have violated company guidelines on releasing company IP to the public but no legal lines were crossed. Following up on 2Sure...it requires a court order as company's typically do NOT like divulging anything they don't have to. To me, the OP either human engineered his way to the emails, has formal power to order it or simply asked and the IT guys being human complied.
jj33 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Totally agree with you JW. And wow they must not really like the wife to give the H her emails. It is their property but also not typical for them to give out the emails and then continue to notify him of further developments (they now have their own reality show at work...). Unless of course he has a higher position at the company. Even more reason to get a lawyer NOW
stuckinoz Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 This story was 'gripping'....too bad it ended. I work in an I.T. department & have had an affair........was kinda hoping this story took on a life....... Any updates ball?
White Flower Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I was thinking maybe he had a friend on the inside. I actually visited my I.T. department because I had reason to believe the I.T. guy was approached by my exH. The I.T. guy was so forthcoming about the situation, opened his email account to show me the last few months correspondence and totally cleared himself of any connection with my H. Phew! Before he did that for me, I was told by co-workers that he could have lost his job for handing over any kind of information on me or any of my accounts. Every move he ever made could be traced by others as is usually true with all I.T. personnel. All I had to do was say I was thinking about opening up an investigation and he worked with me, but I think he would have anyway, nice as he was. The I.T. personnel in OP's story could be SO busted!
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