Long running drama...what do you think?

[ftapache]

So, I met my ex-girlfriend back in the fall of 2006. We met at work, and instantly there was a connection. Not just any connection, but an intense, never wanted to be apart from each other connection. I knew she was seeing someone, but I didn’t really know the full story and she never really talked about him. For about a month, we were always with each other. Lunch would always be together, at the end of the day, when we were home, we would video chat each other, and not think anything of it. Eventually, about a month and a half later, I made the move. She was done with the guy she was seeing and I could tell and all signs were pointing towards this working. For about 6 months, our relationship was golden. We were best friends and spent all of our time together, and always thought it was odd that we hadn’t met before. We felt like we had known each other our whole lives. BTW, let me just add here, she is about 7 years older than I am, however, our maturity and behavior actually made me the “older” one.

 

It was odd. I was never one for dating growing up. It just wasn’t part of my lifestyle, or whatever you want to call it. She on the other hand, had dated approx. 10 guys since high school. Some of them were long term. Regardless, when we were with each other, pasts didn’t matter. I loved being with someone who had a lot of experience, and she loved being with someone who didn’t. It was all golden, romantic, and wonderful.

 

About 7 months into our relationship, she started taking various things out on me. Things that were making her crazed, outside things, she would bring into the relationship in various ways. One major problem is that we are in the same line of work, and I had started to go further in my job very fast, while she wasn’t. She got very competitive and started to take that out on me. It only made it worse when I tried to fix things. I was always trying to fix it or make it better, when I probably should have just let it be. We were still having a great time, our relationship was solid, but these problems were taking a toll. About 4 months later, she moved for work. Not far at all, and we were always visiting each other. Most of the time it was great, but she often would take out life’s frustrations on me. I very rarely got angry with her, again, my major problem was that I was always just trying to make it better. Times were good, times were bad, but were madly in love with each other.

 

Cut to last year, in June. We broke up. It came as a bit of a surprise, though looking back on it, I should have seen it coming. She broke up with me, over the phone, which I felt was a little wrong, and I was devastated. It wasn’t that I blamed myself, or blamed her, I was just so confused what had gone wrong. We had gotten to point where we were at each other’s throats so much, and I never understood why. I’d be in a fight and not even know we got there. In the time after the break up, we had trouble letting go of each other. We were still in communication, she said that she loved me, but she just needed to be alone, and single. At one point, she told me that she was interested in getting back together, but that didn’t happen. I was at her house one night, just having dinner, when I saw an instant message between her and this guy on her computer. This guy had pursued her from about 7 months into our relationship. They were good friends, from the same home town, had a lot of the same connections and people in common, but when he started telling her how he felt about her, she would always tell him, “I’m not interested in that, I’m in love with my boyfriend.” She tried to make it work with him as friends, but it never did, and so they were not in each others life. We often joked about him. She would get frustrated at how much of an ******* he was, etc... The instant message had started with her contacting him, saying “I’ve thought about you every day, let’s try a date, just a date. When I confronted her on this, she denied it, and said I misunderstood. Friends we had in common started telling me that they knew about her and the new guy, and I kept confronting her on it, and she kept saying it wasn’t true. Eventually, she told me it was true.

 

When they started dating, we stopped communication. It was a very hard few months for me. I felt totally alone, left behind and sad. At the end of last year, around October, she initiated communication with me again. I could tell by what she was saying that she missed me, a lot, and that she was still in love with me, as I was with her. But, she was still with him. We eventually were talking on the phone almost every day, sometimes for hours. I would ask her why she was still with him if she wasn’t feeling it with him, and she would say “it’s complicated.” That would be her answer to almost everything. Eventually, in December, she broke up with him. I was the first one she told. Apparently she ran home after breaking up with him to tell me. I went to go visit her, and she stated she was interested in seeing if there was any possibility for us to date again. She said she wanted to start off slowly, to be friends at first, and let the dating thing happen organically. She said “if there is anyone I don’t want to ruin this with, it’s you.”

 

In January of this year, she came to visit me for 3 days. I asked her to come, and after much back and forth, she agreed. She came, stayed with me, and we an amazingly romantic 3 day weekend. She told me everything I had always wanted to hear...how in love with me she still was, how much she missed me, how much she wanted to make this work. She also proceeded to tell me all the horrible things about the ex. Everything from his large ego, to his relationship issues, to the way he treated her, all of it. She said many times, I’m not in love with him, and never could be. She said there were still feelings there, but I was ok with that. I know those things don’t go away over night, but she was very clear in how she felt about me and how she felt about him. When she left here and went back home, I think the pace at which we moved freaked her out a little, and we had to call it off again. She had wanted to take it slow and let everything happen organically. Well it happened organically, but certainly not slow, and it was too much for her. We were in a full on relationship again and that was not what she wanted.

 

Cut to a few a days ago. She moved here. She moved to the town I now live in, in a totally different state. She moved here for work, same industry, different employer. She is all of 10 minutes away. It had been only a month since we cut it off again, after her visit here, yet it had all reversed. I saw her the day she got here, and she revealed to me that she wasn’t interested in going down the relationship road with me, we were over, and were bad for each other. She still had feelings for the ex, and when I asked her if they were dating again, she said “I can’t promise that we are not.”

 

I wrote her e-mails about how I felt, and she responded at length, but the most telling was when she said, “you only see what you want to see. You knew my head was cloudy.” My feeling is that I saw what I was shown. She came here and spent 3 days with me and everything was golden. On top of that all, she said her herself over and over again it couldn’t work with him cause she wasn’t in love with him. To me, she has no accountability for her actions, and just manages to blame me for when I’m upset. When she apologizes, she says “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” as opposed to “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

So I don’t know what to think. I think about her 24/7. I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that, but I do miss her. I also know that if she gets back together with the ex, it wont work, because it can’t. Her feelings for him have nothing to do with love as much as they do with her inability to be alone. They “should” work, but they don’t. Those are her words. Not only that, but he doesn’t live here.

 

I also know that end of the day, she is still in love with me, she has just convinced herself that we don't work.

 

So I dunno...thoughts anyone?

 

I know there is a lot of drama with this girl, hence the name of the post. She seems to be addicted to it. Here is a part of the story I left out.

 

When she was here for that romantic 3 day weekend, some photos of us ended up on Facebook. We were out clubbing with friends, and the friends put the photos on Facebook. We weren't making out, or really even being touchy with each other in the photos, but when the ex saw them, he freaked on her. All these texts were coming in fast and furious (I suppose I would have done the same thing.) And instead of her just saying sorry, or not answering, she went into this texting war with him. Even lying to him point blank and saying she was not here for me (which she was).

 

I knew at the time that this drama would just kill me in the long run. And I still know that. If we were still together, her drama would end up giving me a stroke. She seems to always be needing drama, games, etc... however, I miss her like crazy, and I don't know what to do.

 

I think my real question is how do I get over her? Or do I?

[Paralyzed]

I can't tell you how to get over her. I've had similar problems getting over the girl I am with now. We have been broken up 12 times in the last 2 years. I do know that you have to get over her. She is using you. You are her backup. She will keep coming back when things aren't working out with the other guy. Maybe you should try and realize what a liar she is. Realize what a horrible person she is, and start hating her. That would probably help a little. She is a drifter, and she is waiting for the right guy to come along. Once he does you will be history again. Perhaps if it works out between her and the next guy she will leave you alone for good. You will have to move on then.

[lostsunsets]

Well first of you know she is liar. whether it's to him or you. She was screwing both of you. Now she doesn't want to go down the relationship road again. The only way you will ever get over this is to completely cease all communication. Tell her you don't want to be friends. Or that you are not her little break from the other guy. Tell he she is a cheat and liar and you deserve better. Wish her well. but dump her. Within two months she will chasing you again. What will you do then. She seems to selfish and petty. Why would you want to be with her anyway?

[ftapache]

It's interesting, because I know all of this. Everything that is being said is something that I have said to friends of mine more than once. The hard thing its hard to imagine her as that person, even though she is. She doesn't seem it, and I suppose my brain does not want her to be. I hold on to those memories of the first 6-9 months with her and I just can't imagine her as the crazy person she became right in front of me. I suppose it's the old frog in hot water metaphor.

 

I think I was also thrown off, because over last summer, when we weren't together, it was not fun. It was really rough. A lot of it I was doing to myself, but whatever. Eventually, as I was starting to get over her, or at least the situation, she came back to me. Not saying she wanted to be with me, but saying everything but. It made me feel wonderful, it made me feel I was right in thinking "not having her in my life does not make sense."

 

You can't make someone the person you want them to be, I recognize that. But I don't know what to do now. She moved here. We are in the same circle, all the same friends, have events where we are going to see each other at. It's very odd. I also wonder if she will try to come back to me again. Is she really done with me, or are patterns simply patterns and she will try again?

'

[ftapache]

Ok...so a little update..

 

I sent her, earlier this week, 2 emails, in which I laid out the entire situation to her, described how I felt, why I felt that way, and what she did that was not cool. I said a lot of harsh things in the e-mail, very harsh, but all of it truthful. Not to mention, it was a very well written e-mail. She could only respond by yelling at me and saying "you only saw what you wanted to see, you knew my head was cloudy..." blah blah, not even apologizing for the confusion. She would only say sorry by saying "I'm sorry you're hurting." Anyway, over the past few days, I got guilty about the emails I wrote. I still stand behind everything I said, but it's not me to just scream at someone, say all these horrible things about them, and then just leave it there. So, this morning, I e-mailed her, and said the following:

 

"Listen, I'm sorry I came at you the other day with those e-mails. I said some pretty harsh things, that didn't really need to be said. I was extremely hurt by your actions, and I took it out on you in a manner that didn't need that kind of severity. I am confused by your choice, but I understand we have different opinions."

 

She wrote back:

 

"It didn't seem like you. Thank you for your email. I'm having a bday party on march 7th."

 

WTF??? An invite to her birthday party? Obviously I'm not going, but still...is she delusional? Is this her way of taking control of the situation?

WTF??

[ftapache]

So, I didn't respond to that e-mail about the birthday. And yesterday, I get a call from her. I didn't pick up. Voicemail said something about "just wanted to see if you wanted to talk about all this, anything else you wanted to say, etc..."

 

I didn't respond.

 

Today, first comes a phone call. Dont pick up and no voicemail. Than an email "We have to figure this out."

 

No response.

 

Later today, another phone call. Than a 2nd e-mail:

 

"Look, you can keep ignoring me if you want. I try to remind myself

of the awful things you said to me (the worst anyone has every said in

30 years on this planet), all in the span of two days. But stronger

than my feeling of hurt about that is my concern for you. I know

you're fine, but I just want to hear it from you. However, I'd

prefer not to start an email conversation. Talking is better."

 

So....I still don't want to respond. Good idea, right?????

[thegoodlife]

Yes very good not to respond. I'm not sure if you are doing it just to feel like you have the upper hand, or because you just really have no desire to speak with her, but for both reasons keep it up.

 

As I'm sure you are well aware, this on and off thing with this girl needs to be done for good now. She has no real interest in making amends or being with you ever again and she has made that clear. The only reason she is continually pushing for contact to "talk things out" is because she feeds off any response you give her and that gives her the upper hand again to just turn around and cut off all ties until she's ready to come around again. Don't let her have this control. Don't respond and don't show her any ounce of sympathy. She had her time with you, and she had plenty of chances to make things work but she screwed up and now it's time for her to face the music.

 

Just hold your ground. Even if it's tough and you want to give in, just know that you're doing yourself an enormous favour by getting out of this now. I know you love her still and care for her so it's normal that you will miss her, but trust me, once you're further down the road you will see she wasn't worth all the trouble and you will be glad you got out when you did.

 

It's the typical break up scenario. She breaks up with you, you try to make things work and it falls apart again, you keep trying for a while and eventually go NC, then she starts to come around, you will give in and then find that you don't even feel the same for her anymore anyways. You miss what you had with her, but if you were to be with her again it won't be like it was.

 

She was right when she said her head was cloudy, this woman doesn't know what she wants. Time to take care of yourself now.

 

Good luck! Keep posting.

[Goldstar]

I wrote her e-mails about how I felt, and she responded at length, but the most telling was when she said, “you only see what you want to see. You knew my head was cloudy.” My feeling is that I saw what I was shown. She came here and spent 3 days with me and everything was golden. On top of that all, she said her herself over and over again it couldn’t work with him cause she wasn’t in love with him. To me, she has no accountability for her actions, and just manages to blame me for when I’m upset. When she apologizes, she says “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” as opposed to “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

I think I dated this same woman in the past. Trouble my friend. Wonderful, indescrible, delicious when you are clicking, so intense, but oh so toxic.

 

The part about not apologizing, very good you see that for what it is. Refusal to take any ownership whatsoever for anything about your feelings or the relationship in general. Very big red flag there.

 

She is chasing you now because you aren't playing the game anymore and in the end that is what it is to her...a game. Stop hurting yourself, keep up the no contact.

 

I know how wonderful it was and the loss you feel is very real and profound, but you have got to let this go for good. Now is the time.

 

Work on you, find someone not crazy. Yes, it is hard to believe she is crazy, I didn't want to belive that about my girl either, but in the end she was really crazy. I was just the last to see it.

[gavinus]

My advice is if she REALLY REALLY wanted to be with you, she would be!! Its thats simple. She knows what she wants and what she does not want. Keep keeping NC, don't make the mistake I made which was break NC (I felt worse afterwards and gave her all the power). Keep NC for yourself so you can move on. I understand what you are going through, it is the intensity, the passion, the unknown which is the addiction, but in order for you to have a happy and sane life, let her go for you,

[msjules]

Here I go again. I am a social worker, clinically trained. I do not have a clinical practice currently, but have been a social worker for 22 years. I can't diagnose this person because I have not seen her in person. But I can give you my impression.

 

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder on the internet and see if it fits this girl. If it does, run for your life. Even if it doesn't, you need to cut this one loose. She's trouble with a capital T.

[ftapache]

Hmm,

 

I just looked up various definitions of Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know. She never has had any problem with drinking, drugging, and certainly no suicide issues. However, the mood swings are very prominent. I used to tell her that if a little issue came up, like, can't find the remote, or forgot to get milk... it was like a "little armageddon." It would be bigger than it needed to be. The tone of her voice would get serious and dire, that I would always try to fix it, because it sounded like something that needed fixing. Then she would get upset at me for "making a big deal out of nothing." The truth was, it was the other way around and I was just trying to match it.

 

It just seemed like if something didn't go according to plan, I knew that it was going to be a rough night. She would take it out on me by telling me it was my fault somehow, or that just being around was holding her back from going farther in her career. At one time she said to me "I don't know what it is, but when you are near, I hate myself. It's not your fault, but you are doing it." I never understood that one. If she got really upset at me, she would start to drive the car down residential streets really fast with me in the passenger seat until I stopped talking. There was def. that switch that would go off sometimes where she would just loose it. The thing is, she is a great friend and person to hang around. This just happens when you date her.

[LoveUrselfFirst]

I just think that as hard as it may seem to let her go, it's time that you do. In time you will realize why it needed to end, even if you didn't want it to.

 

I'm not a dater just like you and when I do get involved with someone I hope for the best, but if it doesn't work out, we grieve in our own way and try to move forward.

 

I feel as though you should just tell her that you need your space. If you have facebook or myspace or any social networks with her pictures on them or if she is on your buddy list, remove them (because being reminded of her will not help whatsoever).

 

Get into activities you use to do or even try new things, whether it's reading, watching comedy movies (not sad, love flicks that will remind you of her), exercise, a club, anything that will keep you busy.

 

I wish the best for you.

[msjules]

She may then, be bipolar. The mood swings you describe suggest that she may suffer from one of the bipolar spectrum disorders. This business of driving fast with you in the passenger seat is emotional hostage taking and is terrible. How you put up with that is beyond me. She is also blaming you for what appears to be a fairly serious mental illness and you are not to blame. Repeat, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF THIS.

 

"I don't know what it is, but when you are near, I hate myself. It's not your fault, but you are doing it."

This is the statement of someone who has a serious emotional problem. It's emotionally abusive and crazy. She is blaming you and not blaming you in the same sentence. You are much better off without this person in your life. You do not want to marry and have this person have your children, trust me. Life with her would be sheer hell. She is going to get worse before she gets better. I wish you the best of luck. Cut your losses now before they are much worse.

[ftapache]

So, everything you guys have said, I've really taken to heart. I've never felt as good about this whole situation. I think I finally just grew tired of the drama, and I honestly did let her go. Don't get me wrong, I miss the good times, but I can't say that the yearning feeling to be with her is still there.

 

That being said, I got an email this morning from her. All it said was "do you still have my sweatshirt? It's cold here." She is referring to a sweatshirt that she left here all the way back in June of last year. She didn't ask for it all through the winter, and when she stayed with me back in Jan of this year, and I reminded her about it, she didn't seem to care about it then. So I feel like this asking about the sweatshirt is just a way for her to contact me. I really really want to keep NC, but I still have this sweatshirt and I don't want to just throw it out. I know where she lives here, so I suppose I could just drop it off, but isn't that a form of contact?

 

I dunno, I'm a little stuck.

[Goldstar]

So what did you do with the sweatshirt?