LadyDi Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 NC for 3 weeks. Successfully avoided each other at work (different shifts) until a seminar today. Seeing him & talking with him again is just plain torture. I feel I'm right back at square 1 tonight. What a downhill spiral. No wonder everyone says total NC is the only way to get over an A.
NoIDidn't Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 On another site, they post NC = no new hurts.
jj33 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Well done LadyDi. You can do this. It is the easiest way to move forward.
tchrgrl Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I know exactly how you feel about being back at square one. I was doing okay with a couple of weeks of NC and then I lost it one day and sent an email which received a luke warm reception....6 word answer about leaving me alone so I could get over this faster, etc. Then I called, he let it go to voicemail, I emailed back and got nothing in return..felt like I was slapped again with it ending. I finally was able to delete his contact info from my cell...know the email address by heart and struggle every other day to not send something nasty or nice. I found the phrase on here about "think the moment through" and I try and say that to myself. Good luck!
KismetGirl Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 NC probably works the best, it's just hard to do in some situations....like when you work together, or have mutual friends , or whatever. I've failed miserably at it on and off for 4 years. You can do it though, just think about all the hurt you go through every time you're tempted to email or call. Count to ten and think about the last time he made you cry. Hopefully that helps to keep you from contacting him again.
samprez Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 I never believed this would work, but I'm now weeks into NC and I'm doing ok. What I've done is use markers to get from one point to the next without trying to reach out. Meaning I look at the clock and say, "ok, I'm going to watch this basketball game, and not think about it." I've also blocked all access points inbound. But it's hard. It's like detoxing from an addiction. I have a buddy of mine I can text when I'm in need of a fix, and that seems to help. But the reality is that what I'm left wondering is does the OW feel the same withdrawal I do, then I think, so what. It's just a ride and a process like anything else in life.
jj33 Posted March 1, 2009 Posted March 1, 2009 Samprez let there be NO doubt in your mind she is doing the same thing. No doubt. Look at all the posts here. Everyone goes through the same thing. Its just how a matter of discipline and focusing on your goal which is saving your marriage. No contact doesnt mean that someone doesnt care about you - it means that they do and they want you to be able to move on.
Owl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 NC probably works the best, it's just hard to do in some situations....like when you work together, or have mutual friends , or whatever. I've failed miserably at it on and off for 4 years. You can do it though, just think about all the hurt you go through every time you're tempted to email or call. Count to ten and think about the last time he made you cry. Hopefully that helps to keep you from contacting him again. KG, you should take the time to reread the above post as though it were written by someone else, and look for the irony in your own words. "I've failed miserably at it on and off for 4 years. You can do it though..." YOU couldn't. The vast majority of posters here who have tried ALSO failed miserably. Why do you think this has any chance of being a successful tactic, if it's failed for you, and for so many, for all this time? LC DOESN'T work in the tremendous vast majority of cases. And it's clearly something that you should consider in your own situation. It's very clearly a major contributing factor into why your own affair has gone on for so long without resolution. NC is PERMANENT, and it includes ALL FACETS of interaction between the two affair partners...no communication or contact of ANY kind...personal OR professional. The only way to do it is to burn the bridges behind you.
samprez Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Yep...I can tell you that the last 24 hours have been a HUGE struggle for me. I'm doing my best to avoid any contact from my side and I'm dying. Really have things I want to say to her and I know it will do no good...but I'm frustrated...oh well...focus..focus..focus.
Owl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Samprez, what are you doing to fill the void of time/attention/energy/etc... that you used to spend on her? Instead of being with her...what are you doing in place of that? Going to the gym? Resume an old hobby? Start a new one? Take up martial arts/running? Excersise is a huge, huge help in dealing with the stress of the end of a relationship. And "filling that void" is another key step as well. Get involved in something that requires a lot of mental and/or physical effort...something that will require your entire attention, and leave you exhausted enough to sleep at nights.
samprez Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I'm fairly busy and engaged. Actually re-engaging in things. Something triggered yesterday and I've been unable to shake that UGH feeling. It's just the overall feeling of "what the hell happened here" and why do I feel like this...hey, I think there are up and down days.
Author LadyDi Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Good to know I'm not alone strugggling with this. I guess its universal. I'm doing well in the part of not e-mailing, not texting, etc etc., I know I'm not wanted anymore and being a little prideful is helping me stay away that way. BUT......I can't seem to resist a peek once in awhile at both W & MM's networking page. Bad I know, i KNOW. Hers is filled with little quiz's and polls about how happy they are etc. I'm a sadist.
samprez Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 You are most definitely not alone. I truly believe that this process is part of the price we are paying for being in these relationships. What is the purpose of contact anyway? We can't do anything but fix our current situations and move forward. The thing for me is I feel like I never got to say what I felt when the NC was instituted. And while I'm in therapy, things are building inside of me that I feel a need to express. So I've been writing things in a secure place; expressing myself. And then I re-read and I feel better. I'm allowing the human side of me to exist through this experience. But it's tough.
tchrgrl Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 There are some days I feel like I need just one more conversation "for closure". Such BS I feed myself! The one or two times I have sent off that nasty email that gets out all that I wanted to say before NC is ignored and leaves me feeling embarassed and regretful. I now come here and read/post or I write the e-mail, save a draft, reread it and then delete it. My old therapist used to have me hand write them out, address them with the city/state marked "HELL" and actually mail them. Can be cathartic....
Author LadyDi Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Ok, I month down now, but occassionally I have a VERY bad day. A day I feel like it just happened yesterday. Damn the pain is still strong during those days.....what's up with that????
Meaplus3 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Ok, I month down now, but occassionally I have a VERY bad day. A day I feel like it just happened yesterday. Damn the pain is still strong during those days.....what's up with that???? Good for you ladyDi. The early days are the toughest and it looks like you've passed that point. It's not uncommon to still have a bad day here and there I remember them all to well. But, the longer the NC the more you simply just won't care anymore. You will get there. Glad to see your making progress. Mea:)
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