Bella Jordan Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 My bf and I have been together for 6 months. We fell for one another instantly and, within 2 months, he told me that he knew I was the woman he wanted to marry and I told him I felt the same way. It was unlike any other relationship either one of us had had before. Unfortunately, we went through a rough patch shortly thereafter: he was already committed to moving to LA when we met (he's a bartender/aspiring actor) while I was and am unemployed after leaving behind a career in government affairs in DC 7 months ago. I've since been trying to formulate a new career trajectory in the wake of my bf asking me to move with him to LA. I'm hesitant to make the move for what I believe are legitimately good reason. On the one hand, we've only been together for 6 months and I believe that moving in together, much less across the country together is unwise at this early stage in our relationship. I DO love him and I DO want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, but I feel that we still have a great deal to learn about and from one another before taking such an enormous step. Additionally, I am concerned about his career choice and the lifestyle that this will entail. Despite being an incredibly hard and dedicated worker within his trade, he has a very small income as a bartender and, if I'm being completely honest and realistic, will have even less as a working actor in Los Angeles. He's a very talented artist with excellent representation, but I think he has yet to grasp the rejection and hardships he will face when he arrives. And while I have no doubts about his love for me, in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how much of his attraction to me and desire for me to move with him is tied up in my financial stability. I left behind a successful and lucrative career in DC to take care of my mother here in Georgia and have since been working to reestablish myself professionally. I had always planned for this to be a temporary move and to relocate as soon as possible, but LA was never on the list of possibilities. And with a background in international affairs, it certainly isn't an ideal fit. I also have to take into account the fact that it will be MY car that we drive cross-country in and MY income that will support us. Ultimately, I feel that I'm the one in the relationship who's being asked to take the enormous risk and make sacrifices while my boyfriend is neither risking nor sacrificing anything. And yet, despite all of this, I can't bear the idea of not being with him and of not having him in my life. I know that this could be a wonderful adventure for us both, and I'm certainly at a place in my life where I'm ready and able to take a risk.
SophieA Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 IMO 6 months is waaaaaaay too soon to be moving in together- let alone moving across the country and in together. You say you feel he might be asking you to move b/c of your financial stability. Why? What behavior led you to believe this?
SophieA Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Ultimately, I feel that I'm the one in the relationship who's being asked to take the enormous risk and make sacrifices while my boyfriend is neither risking nor sacrificing anything. This can lead to resentment really quickly. And yet, despite all of this, I can't bear the idea of not being with him and of not having him in my life. I know that this could be a wonderful adventure for us both, and I'm certainly at a place in my life where I'm ready and able to take a risk. You can be with him long distance for awhile and see how that works. I wholeheartedly believe if a relationship is strong and if it is meant to be it will last. Then maybe 6 more months or a year down the road if things are still well you could join him.
Author Bella Jordan Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 IMO 6 months is waaaaaaay too soon to be moving in together- let alone moving across the country and in together. You say you feel he might be asking you to move b/c of your financial stability. Why? What behavior led you to believe this? I feel this way in large part because of his attitude toward money. While he IS a hard worker, he's TERRIBLE at managing his income and doesn't seem to have any intention of improving. In addition, he saves NONE of what he earns and spends it all on frivolous things. I, meanwhile, am the planner and the saver and am not ready to subsidize his frivolous lifestyle. He also does not own a car and has made zero attempt to ascertain one. As such, it would be my car we'd have to take cross-country. He promises he'll buy one as soon as we've gotten settled, but on whose dime?
SophieA Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Hmmm...not sure what the statistic is exactly...but many many relationships end due to money issues. So please, please before you make a decision ask him about this! How does he plan to afford a car? An apartment? Who will pay for what etc.
thegoodlife Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I don't think it's a good idea to move with him. Like another poster suggester perhaps you two could try long distance for a while and see how that goes but the relationship is much too young to be making a move like that. Especially, since LA was never somewhere you planned to go. Maybe if this was something you both wanted to do prior to starting the relationship it would be different, but that's not how it is. I say for now, just take care of yourself and do what you have to do, if you two are destined to be together then it will happen and your paths will cross again.
bean1 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Bella, I moved in with my SO after only 3 months together. We have been together a long time and are very strong. That being said, he is financially wise and stable, and I was never "uneasy" about the situation. I think you should listen to what your gut is telling you. Although it CAN work, all the pieces need to be in place. The last place you want to live with a financially irresponsible person is California! Why would you uproot your life and support an aspiring actor? What if you got pregnant or lost your job? Would he suddenly become responsible? I don't think so. Do what you want, but if you decide to go, make sure you have a backup plan for YOURSELF.
voldigicam Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Having moved to be with a woman, and possibly taken up an inappropriate career in the process, I wish I'd stayed put, visited when possible, and not provided support to someone I ultimately ended up without. Although we had 10 years together. 15 if you count the wind chill. Somehow I get the impression having you to lean on might be an enabling aspect in the actor game, which rarely works. Maybe some distance wouldn't be a bad thing. Would certainly have been good for me at times in the past!
You'reasian Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 I feel this way in large part because of his attitude toward money. While he IS a hard worker, he's TERRIBLE at managing his income and doesn't seem to have any intention of improving. In addition, he saves NONE of what he earns and spends it all on frivolous things. I, meanwhile, am the planner and the saver and am not ready to subsidize his frivolous lifestyle. He also does not own a car and has made zero attempt to ascertain one. As such, it would be my car we'd have to take cross-country. He promises he'll buy one as soon as we've gotten settled, but on whose dime? Time for him to get serious about his financial planning - and stick to this plan - its up to you to take this point to him if you're serious.
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