Author Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 Could not see, know this: It is still about you, you, you. If you did not want to cause her pain, you shouldn't have had the affair. The damage has already been done. Her pain, if it is like mine, is immense. Your actions have already caused it and you and she cannot undo what you did, as much as you both may like to. To heal, I believe you owe her the truth, as you may percieve it, without justifications, revisions, or omissions. Just say what happened. Will it be painful? Of course! Will she be angry? Definitely! Could she leave you? Maybe, but that is her choice and will always be the case. But you will at least have taken the high road, the one with integrity and maturity. I am learning the hard way, after all the hard that has already happened, that I respect him less; that it is impossible to restore intimacy without truth; that in trying to protect my feelings, he is also protecting his own (are you?)...and it is driving me away. Once that is done, strive every day to be a better man. She will see that. And hopefully come to admire and respect your truthfulness and your change of behavior. Not telling is to me, another form of control and also serves to protect the cheater from the natural consequences of their actions. I don't respect it. Does she?
65tr6 Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 that it is impossible to restore intimacy without truth; that in trying to protect my feelings, he is also protecting his own (are you?)...and it is driving me away. very well said. And the truth/honesty is revealed at home between you and your spouse.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Posted February 28, 2009 And you know what? I'll wait for the whys but I need to know where the money went. I need to know all the lies he told be to my face about his whereabouts. I think it is a three step process for me to heal from it: I need to forgive the affair: Done. I need to forgive the lies and deception, processed to a point where they don't hurt as much anymore. Stuck here. I need to restore trust, and then, RESPECT, before going wholeheartedly into the future. The longer I am stuck at number two, the more number three becomes unachievable. I am reaching the NO LONGER CARE POINT. Very, very dangerous and I have told him so. He is stuck where you are CNS. Good Luck to you.
NoIDidn't Posted February 28, 2009 Posted February 28, 2009 Spark I had a feeling all your posts were leading up to this. I really feel for you. Now is the time to consider separating for your sanity and so you can make rational decisions. I'm sorry he is not giving you what you need to truly reconcile with him. Based on his anger and hatred of you, you may not have much to reconcile. If he needed to hate you to cheat, he may not be past that place yet. If you are feeling like this, I can only imagine what he is feeling. Its sounding like neither of you is really being totally honest with the other. You need to tell him what you wrote in this thread. And be honest. Completely honest. And be ready to go through with whatever choices you are willing to give him and the marriage. You are in a tough spot. You have my prayers.
2sure Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 In a previous post I said I did not get details about my H's infidelity and in retrospect, part of me feels that not having all of the details was a good thing. But the things you are talking about I understand. Details like that, I wanted. I put it to him this way: Maybe I can get over this. But :I HAVE KNOW WHAT IT IS I'M TRYING TO GET OVER.
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