Author crazylady01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thank you WF and others. I have noticed some very angry people here at this site, but I understand. My A ended a couple months ago because my OW is single and he wanted to start a family, But I could not. I did not have the courage to leave my marriage, still do not. He has moved on, and I respect him whole heartly and told him stop contact me in anyways. So it is over. It still hurts… and we started NC a couple weeks ago. No my husband does not know it at all. My husband never had any other woman in his life. We just grow apart more and more. Now I do not know how to communicate to him. Now after the two years of fantasy, I have to face the reality now -- my marriage. It is hard to put my head together now. I do not know where to begin. I just know I am not happy, in deed never happy about my marriage. So, are you happier after you devoiced exH? How did your kids handle it? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 My husband refuses to go to counseling as he just want to avoid the problem, every time when I try to talk to him about this, he start yelling and we could not continue the conversation. I am very frustrated and sad. Then come clean and tell your husband about the affair. Maybe then something will change. Either he'll forgive you and want to give you another chance, or maybe it'll be the final nail in the coffin and you two can divorce. Forget family, friends and whomever...This is YOUR life - You only have one lifetime live, so if your marriage sucks and you don't enjoy being a wife to your husband, you don't love him, get divorced. Take control and stand up for what YOU want. Your family will get over it and hopefully your friends will support you. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Well Honey, you say you're black and white but I see lots of color in YOU! Stop that! Get your eyes checked? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thank you WF and others. I have noticed some very angry people here at this site, but I understand. My A ended a couple months ago because my OW is single and he wanted to start a family, But I could not. I did not have the courage to leave my marriage, still do not. He has moved on, and I respect him whole heartly and told him stop contact me in anyways. So it is over. It still hurts… and we started NC a couple weeks ago. No my husband does not know it at all. My husband never had any other woman in his life. We just grow apart more and more. Now I do not know how to communicate to him. Now after the two years of fantasy, I have to face the reality now -- my marriage. It is hard to put my head together now. I do not know where to begin. I just know I am not happy, in deed never happy about my marriage. So, are you happier after you devoiced exH? How did your kids handle it? Sounds to me like you just wanna bury your head in the sand and pretend it didnt happen. that aint gonna work. Two years of fantasy hmm? Why dont you just tell him what you did? You are destroying your marriage with your lack of actions! You need to take action and tell him and stop moping! now is not the time to slip into a depression! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 You are destroying your marriage Go read her other thread. It seems their marriage was an arranged one and neither of them are inlove or are acting like husband and wife. A loveless, sexless, no respect for one another marriage. NOT that it's an excuse or a justification to cheat but it IS a reason for a divorce, reguardless of how the extended families feel about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Go read her other thread. It seems their marriage was an arranged one and neither of them are inlove or are acting like husband and wife. A loveless, sexless, no respect for one another marriage. NOT that it's an excuse or a justification to cheat but it IS a reason for a divorce, reguardless of how the extended families feel about it. LOL she said that divorce wasnt an option? Hmm but cheating was? WTF I dont know what she's smoking but I would love to know! If she isnt happ in her marriage there's onl 2 things to do. FIX IT or get the hell out! He probably isnt satisfied in his marriage either. Why dont she just come out and say what's been going on! why the need to act like she's the victim!? Her inactions is only making it worse. if she told her husband maybe he could finally get off his a** and put some work it. Maybe just then she could focus on what kind of man he is? Why be married to man in a loveless marriage that her herself does not want to divorce??? WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazylady01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Ok I agree with you there but there's a difference between wanting to fix yourself and self introspection and dwelling on it. Reminiscing about it. And ending the A isnt apology enough. A's are not something to just say your sorry about it takes actions as well. Not just words. In the first post alone it looked like she was saying the OP is a nice person and what not calling him her lover and friend? WTF why dont she repeat the words to her husband and see what he thinks about that? A man who has an affair with a married woman knowingly and not caring about it, is not a friend and not a good person. It's not like she was seperated she caused this to happen. Her mindframe isnt highly remorseful about it. Withdrawal or coming out of the fog is no excuse. I'll let it slide because i have read man sites where women that do cheat take longer to emotionally detach, I get that. but it doesnt sound like she's sorry for the affair within itself. If you live in my life, you will not be so sorry for the A. It does not mean that I did not think it is wrong. I am not sure what makes you so angry here, but I would guess it is something hurt deeply. Sometime it is no one's fault, it is just life, the nature of human. We all need to learn how to let go from either side.-- forgiving. I believe it will bring more peace in one's life. I do often put on my husband's shoes, I know it will hurt him badly if he knows the A, The nature of my marriage and the desire of a true love were the reasons I had the A. It is clear. I understand there is no excuse can be accepted in the black and white world. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 If you live in my life, you will not be so sorry for the A. It does not mean that I did not think it is wrong. I am not sure what makes you so angry here, but I would guess it is something hurt deeply. Sometime it is no one's fault, it is just life, the nature of human. We all need to learn how to let go from either side.-- forgiving. I believe it will bring more peace in one's life. I do often put on my husband's shoes, I know it will hurt him badly if he knows the A, The nature of my marriage and the desire of a true love were the reasons I had the A. It is clear. I understand there is no excuse can be accepted in the black and white world. LOL dont turn this around and try to psychoanalize me! I'm not angry just mad your not getting to the heart of the matter and you appear to be minimalizing what your doing. You cheat and yet dont want to divorce. You appear to be pining after the OM but wont tell your husband, You appear to stay in a marriage where feelings isnt shared between your spouse but it's justified to turn to another man. It isnt black and white, it's right and wrong. What do you want from your life from here on now? Are you ever gonna confess what you did, will you do it again? I mean what are you gonna do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazylady01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 LOL dont turn this around and try to psychoanalize me! I'm not angry just mad your not getting to the heart of the matter and you appear to be minimalizing what your doing. You cheat and yet dont want to divorce. You appear to be pining after the OM but wont tell your husband, You appear to stay in a marriage where feelings isnt shared between your spouse but it's justified to turn to another man. It isnt black and white, it's right and wrong. What do you want from your life from here on now? Are you ever gonna confess what you did, will you do it again? I mean what are you gonna do? Tough question for me now. I do not know yet, need time to sort my head out. One thing I know for sure, the A made me aware of how much I missed in my marriage. and both my husband and I deserv better marriage. I have had left the marriage years ago if I do not have children. I am not sure I will be happy if I devoice and watch my kids suffer. I really do not know, I am trapped, do not takeme wrong. I mean my H and I, we both are victim. Not only me. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Primary reason why even the most intelligent people cheat? They are broken inside. When an A is discovered, they blame the BS, work, travel, spouse gained weighed, arranged marriage, etc. Yet once the A is out in the open, they rarely look within themselves to find the reasons why they cheated in the first place. It's usually someone or everybody else's fault, but theirs. Until the cheaters reassess what is at stake, only then might they consider attempts to work on the marriage. It takes one second to decide to NOT cross the line. Yet it can take years repairing that broken line. For some, that line can never be repaired. Crazylady--my guess is that you're afraid to fess up to your husband of your A because it will only compound your insecurity. But I think there's a lot more to the story than you're leading us to believe. My other guess is financial reasons? You have two options. 1. You can continue living this charade of lying to your H and run the risk of him finding out. This will eat you alive. 2. Fess up and find "new" ways to communicate. Either way, your marriage will be resolved. The lesser of the two evil is number 2. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Yes, divorce is an honorable option.Then , her H can seek similar fulfillment. Why is it that WSs don't understand that the BS deserves to feel love and affection etc. , as well? Thereis never any consideration given to the fact that the BS, in reliance on the lies, is being deprived of fulfilment, as well. Just because a WS no longer loves the BS , do tey have to rob him/her of opportunities like the ones they have found? Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Yes, divorce is an honorable option.Then , her H can seek similar fulfillment. Why is it that WSs don't understand that the BS deserves to feel love and affection etc. , as well? Thereis never any consideration given to the fact that the BS, in reliance on the lies, is being deprived of fulfilment, as well. Just because a WS no longer loves the BS , do tey have to rob him/her of opportunities like the ones they have found? This is very true. BS truly deserve to find love and happiness. That was one of my problems with exMM. I kept telling him his W deserved to find someone who would be true to her and love her and that he should give her her freedom before it is too late, meaning she still looks great and young for her age. But I'm sure he didn't feel the same way I did. I genuinely thought he should release her for her own benefit but he probably saw it as me trying to get my way. I never pushed for it, but only suggested it. Besides, he is pretty good at making her think she is loved (and who knows, maybe she really is) so she may not even want to look elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 This is very true. BS truly deserve to find love and happiness. That was one of my problems with exMM. I kept telling him his W deserved to find someone who would be true to her and love her and that he should give her her freedom before it is too late, meaning she still looks great and young for her age. But I'm sure he didn't feel the same way I did. I genuinely thought he should release her for her own benefit but he probably saw it as me trying to get my way. I never pushed for it, but only suggested it. Besides, he is pretty good at making her think she is loved (and who knows, maybe she really is) so she may not even want to look elsewhere. What your Xmm did was called having his cake and eating it too. Selfish and one sided. If anything he knew if she left on her own free will he wouldn't be happy. That's how cheaters do it. have one for the fun times, keep one as the safety net. and more often than not the BS be the safety nets. I will never be a woman's safety net!!! I made that promise to myself a long time ago. Never again... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I will never be a woman's safety net!!! I made that promise to myself a long time ago. Never again... Amen to that. To me it is all or nothing. She either wants to be married and commited or she doesn't. If she doesn't she gives up everything that goes along with it. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Is divorce a realistic option for you crazylady? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazylady01 Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Is divorce a realistic option for you crazylady? Not really. It seems everyone here just ignore the fact that I have two kids. When you do have them in your life, they are the unvisible leashes. I do not see a way yet to get out this dead marriage although I'd love to do it years ago. Under the big flam from the reply to my posts, I see some wise comments, but I started realize, really, noone can help me. I got to figure it out with my H. I am going to take off from this site as I feel I am more depressed by reading all these. and thanks to everyone for your time Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Crazylady, Setting your children aside for the moment, can you divorce him? Will there be adverse reactions to your family (parents, siblings) or his? Will it damage your standing and reputation in your community? Will it adversely affect any businesses or business relationships? I am looking to see if a divorce has a material impact on the families or businesses (if any) involved. We'll talk about the kids later. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Kids do quite well after divorce. Many times, they are happier not being around the toxin an affair brings to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Perhaps one of the things that led you to choose to cheat was because you've also decided to view life in shades of grey instead of black and white? I too am a 'black and white" person. And my observations from being on this site and others for several years, as well as my own life have shown me that it's the ones who refuse to view life as "black and white" are the ones who more often find themselves involved in "grey areas". One step towards recovering...both personally AND your marriage...might be to intentionally changing you thinking back to a black and white view...and stop accepting the grey decisions in your life. Look at it this way...would your H view your affair as grey? Or black? What about your family, your friends...pretty much anyone who isn't involved in it...how would THEY view it? You know the answer. This tells you that your "grey view" is distorted from what the rest of the world is seeing. Grey thinking leads to poor boundaries...which leads exactly to the situation you're in right now. Go back to black and white...it's your first step out of that grey fog that's swallowing you. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Crazylady, I know people are asking you to love a man you did not choose to marry. If you can't love him, try your best to set him free. Many children do just fine after a divorce. Are you currently living in your country or are you now in the West? Many people of different cultures find that cultural morés are not as important to them once they live outside their country of origin. I know so many 'foreigners' who come to the US to divorce just because they can do it here! Freedom means so many things to so many people. And setting your H free to love someone else is actually good for him, your children, and you. On the other hand, if you are in your own country it is very difficult to get beyond accepting new ideas. I understand the predicament you are in and can only hope you find love for this man or leave the country. Let us know how you are doing. WF. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 I think there are many issues in unhappy marriages, particularly in ones where one party has shown a willingness to cheat. That behavior shows a lack of integrity, communication skills, an inflated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. I think , by definition, a cheater is an abuser and ,many times, the cheating is just the tip of the abuse iceberg. Personality disorders are disproportionately represented among cheaters. So, there are all the abusive behaviors associated with these. IMO, a cheater is showing you who they really are and continuing a relationship with one is not a good idea in many cases. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
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