What are the common issues in a unhealthy Marriages?

[crazylady01]

I am new to this site and am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage after the A ended. what could be the common reasons for one of the spouses to cheat? Any advices will be appreciated.

[Reggie]

I think there are many issues in unhappy marriages, particularly in ones where one party has shown a willingness to cheat. That behavior shows a lack of integrity, communication skills, an inflated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. I think , by definition, a cheater is an abuser and ,many times, the cheating is just the tip of the abuse iceberg. Personality disorders are disproportionately represented among cheaters. So, there are all the abusive behaviors associated with these.

IMO, a cheater is showing you who they really are and continuing a relationship with one is not a good idea in many cases.

[Spark1111]

I think there are many issues in unhappy marriages, particularly in ones where one party has shown a willingness to cheat. That behavior shows a lack of integrity, communication skills, an inflated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. I think , by definition, a cheater is an abuser and ,many times, the cheating is just the tip of the abuse iceberg. Personality disorders are disproportionately represented among cheaters. So, there are all the abusive behaviors associated with these.

IMO, a cheater is showing you who they really are and continuing a relationship with one is not a good idea in many cases.

 

 

Oh Reggie, today of all days, I could not agree with you more. They also tend to avoid conflict because they lack proper communication skills. The can be angry at themselves but project their inner turmoil onto you and blame you for their unhappiness. They usually have low self-esteem and look for outward events or people to make themselves feel better about themselves. All of these character traits lead to poor, poor communication skills and abusive behavior. They are often depressed.

 

It takes two people working at 100% every day to make a successful marriage. If you truly want to save the relationship, get into Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling and hope for the best. That is, if the cheater truly wants to change. Good Luck to you.

[taylor]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I am new to this site and am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage after the A ended. what could be the common reasons for one of the spouses to cheat? Any advices will be appreicated.[/FONT][/COLOR]

 

Rather than look at the reasons a spouse cheats, rephrase your question:

 

What problems exist in a marriage that makes is weak and vulnerable to an affair?

 

Focus on the marriage, not the affair itself, if you want answers as to what to do with the marriage from here on out.

 

Marriages deteriorate for a number of reasons. What is your story?

What did your marriage look like prior to the affair?

 

A breakdown of effective communication is a common element in all marriages where an affair has taken place, IMO.

[soon2Bfiling]

1]Taken each other for granted. 2] Getting lost in the children and becoming roommates who raise children. 3] finding what you once had with the roommate with somebody else .4]The Fantasy and thrill that makes you feel young and crazy...till you get caught ! 5] falling out of love and do not have the courage to end it the right way or staying together for the kids.

[crazylady01]

Here is my story: (sorry .. long)

 

First all, I grew up in very traditional remote area in a small country where arranged marriages are very common. I am in an arranged marriage. we married young in our early 20s.

 

A little bit history from my Childhood: my mom always tells me that I am ugly, I am not pretty, which I have believed for almost all my childhood until when I get into college and people compliment me on how nice looking I am. I still do not understand why my Mom thought I was ugly..I think that has done a lot damage on my self-esteem. Plus, when I was 16 before I had the arranged marriage I loved one of my classmates, I was rejected. I suffered great depression after that as that made me believe more that I am ugly.

 

But I survived over it and got married. we had our first baby right after we were married, it was very hard to raise the baby because we were so young and did not have a lot help from our families as they were in another city. We fight once a while for the first a few years.

 

There are a couple of physical appearance aspects of my husband that always bothers me, I do not like the way they are. but my parents think he is good enough for me. So we struggled all these years, and I do not know why I am always angry with my husband and I know it is not fair. we fight more and more in the in the last a few years, at the end, I had the A, it provided me opportunity not only feel good about my self but also a place to escape from my marriage, I did not fight with my husband that much during the two years when I had that A. I basically totally shutdown to him and did not care that much.

 

I agree having A is wrong, wrong, I deserved to be criticized. But I have leaned a lot from my lover of the A, I learned what love is, the desire to make one happy, willing to do anything for him, and the deep caring that a woman can offer. All these, I have never experienced in my marriage, I do not have that feeling for my husband, I see my husband as a loyal friend.

 

Now, the A ended in the best way it could, my friend has moved on, I am suffering terrible depression, it hurts badly, at the same time, I start thinking about what I should do next, I do not want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I thought about devoice lately, but it will hurt a lot of people, my kids and our parents. In our relatives eyes, we are the ideal couple. I was always the good daughter and daughter in-law. My husband refuses to go to counseling as he just want to avoid the problem, every time when I try to talk to him about this, he start yelling and we could not continue the conversation. I am very frustrated and sad.

 

It is a way to sort my mind when I am writing this. Thanks for reading. Anyone out of there has similar situation?

[samprez]

I think there are many issues in unhappy marriages, particularly in ones where one party has shown a willingness to cheat. That behavior shows a lack of integrity, communication skills, an inflated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. I think , by definition, a cheater is an abuser and ,many times, the cheating is just the tip of the abuse iceberg. Personality disorders are disproportionately represented among cheaters. So, there are all the abusive behaviors associated with these.

IMO, a cheater is showing you who they really are and continuing a relationship with one is not a good idea in many cases.

 

Wow. I've been reading your posts and the broad brush by which you paint people in this category is unreal. As you know I had an EA, but I don't display any of those characteristics you described above. I saw you suggest on my thread a personality disorder for me. Man, can't good people do something bad or wrong? If you've been on my side of this, you'd understand that to some degree you lose your balance and things become unequalized. I know that there was a degree of awareness on my side but my ability to leverage cognitive dissonance enabled me to assume characteristics and compartmentalize the behavior. People do it all of the time in all sorts of walks of life. We ARE all far from perfect. The key is recognizing the problem and then taking action.

 

I know for the BS out here its very easy to look at black and white's and point the fingers for guilt, but the reality is that for those of in the situations, it's like an addiction.

 

Without blaming the BS's there are reasons why marriages fail. The numbers are staggering and the facts are that communication is the number 1 issue we all face today. My therapist suggests that those people who think the are impervious to an affair are often likely to have the as well. Enough with the broad stokes and let's focus on the individuals.

[Owl]

I'm not sure why you're asking the question that you're asking...

 

Why do YOU think that you chose to cheat?

What actual problems existed in the marriage that led to your choice to do so?

What problems within yourself led to this choice?

[Meaplus3]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I am new to this site and am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage after the A ended. what could be the common reasons for one of the spouses to cheat? Any advices will be appreicated.[/FONT][/COLOR]

 

If you cheated and your were married then what made you cheat? That might help your answer your question.

 

Mea:)

[Dexter Morgan]

All sorts of reasons. neglect....verbal/physical abuse.

 

And then there is the simple fact that some people just like having sex with different people. Call it being fickle.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Again, another woman who still doesnt understand the most simplest things.

 

If your husband hasnt abused you,beat or hurt you in anyway.

Then you cannot blame him for a crappy marriage.

 

It's unhealthy because of the issues that YOU have. Not him. Recognize that and understand that, In your first post in the responses it sounded like ou was condoning your adultery and you implied that if he did it you'd be cool with it? WTF?

 

But I've seen great marriages and just disrespectful and dumbed down spouses ruin their marriages thinking the grass is always greener on the other side.

[Reggie]

Here is my story: (sorry .. long)

 

First all, I grew up in very traditional remote area in a small country where arranged marriages are very common. I am in an arranged marriage. we married young in our early 20s.

 

A little bit history from my Childhood: my mom always tells me that I am ugly, I am not pretty, which I have believed for almost all my childhood until when I get into college and people compliment me on how nice looking I am. I still do not understand why my Mom thought I was ugly..I think that has done a lot damage on my self-esteem. Plus, when I was 16 before I had the arranged marriage I loved one of my classmates, I was rejected. I suffered great depression after that as that made me believe more that I am ugly.

 

But I survived over it and got married. we had our first baby right after we were married, it was very hard to raise the baby because we were so young and did not have a lot help from our families as they were in another city. We fight once a while for the first a few years.

 

There are a couple of physical appearance aspects of my husband that always bothers me, I do not like the way they are. but my parents think he is good enough for me. So we struggled all these years, and I do not know why I am always angry with my husband and I know it is not fair. we fight more and more in the in the last a few years, at the end, I had the A, it provided me opportunity not only feel good about my self but also a place to escape from my marriage, I did not fight with my husband that much during the two years when I had that A. I basically totally shutdown to him and did not care that much.

 

I agree having A is wrong, wrong, I deserved to be criticized. But I have leaned a lot from my lover of the A, I learned what love is, the desire to make one happy, willing to do anything for him, and the deep caring that a woman can offer. All these, I have never experienced in my marriage, I do not have that feeling for my husband, I see my husband as a loyal friend.

 

Now, the A ended in the best way it could, my friend has moved on, I am suffering terrible depression, it hurts badly, at the same time, I start thinking about what I should do next, I do not want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I thought about devoice lately, but it will hurt a lot of people, my kids and our parents. In our relatives eyes, we are the ideal couple. I was always the good daughter and daughter in-law. My husband refuses to go to counseling as he just want to avoid the problem, every time when I try to talk to him about this, he start yelling and we could not continue the conversation. I am very frustrated and sad.

 

It is a way to sort my mind when I am writing this. Thanks for reading. Anyone out of there has similar situation?

 

You need counseling for your self esteem issues. I do not see how counseling will help your husabnd's physical appearance, which you have focused on. If you were in your 20's, an adult, why would you agree to marry someone you were not attracted to? Where was you sense of responsibility? It is not your husband's fault you are not attracted to him physically. You were dishonest going into this thing.

[Reggie]

Wow. I've been reading your posts and the broad brush by which you paint people in this category is unreal. As you know I had an EA, but I don't display any of those characteristics you described above. I saw you suggest on my thread a personality disorder for me. Man, can't good people do something bad or wrong? If you've been on my side of this, you'd understand that to some degree you lose your balance and things become unequalized. I know that there was a degree of awareness on my side but my ability to leverage cognitive dissonance enabled me to assume characteristics and compartmentalize the behavior. People do it all of the time in all sorts of walks of life. We ARE all far from perfect. The key is recognizing the problem and then taking action.

 

I know for the BS out here its very easy to look at black and white's and point the fingers for guilt, but the reality is that for those of in the situations, it's like an addiction.

 

Without blaming the BS's there are reasons why marriages fail. The numbers are staggering and the facts are that communication is the number 1 issue we all face today. My therapist suggests that those people who think the are impervious to an affair are often likely to have the as well. Enough with the broad stokes and let's focus on the individuals.

 

I do see this as black and white. It is wrong, just like fudging on your scorecard. Does not matter to me if you did it because you were desperate to win due to extraneous pressure or simply because you felt like it.

We all have these "justifications/reasons" for dissatisfaction. What do you think distinguishes those that cross the line from those that do not? It is integrity and the ability to empathize, qualities absent in the disordered.

Not all cheaters are disordered, but a great many seem to be. Not just by virtue of their cheating, but it is evidenced by the continued lying(as you are doing by ommission in not telling the other guy) and justifying/blameshifting.

By the way, your therapist seems to be painting with a broad brush, as well. Do you oblect to his/her generalizations?

[cmoonl7]

IMO and experience this IS the right question:

"What problems exist in a marriage that makes it weak and vulnerable to an affair?"

 

soon2Bfiling and samprez are on the right track.

Common problems (excluding physical/emotional abuse):

1) Communication

2) Lack of interest in the other/growing apart (i.e. focus becomes children)

3)Disagreement over how to run things (finances, houehold chores, etc...)

4) lack of physical affection

5) and on and on...

 

The key here is that one party is not getting something they need from the other. First mistake is not to communicate that need. Second mistake is to find someone else who fills that need. Third - like samprez says - rationalizing that cognative dissonance, we all do it to varying degrees every day. I'm a Republican, I work for the state, I am in a union...I disagree with unions in general, I tend to think state emloyees are lazy, but I still come to work and am able to rationalize my position to the point that I don't feel conflicted (i.e. I'M NOT LAZY, the UNION IS GOOD IN THIS ENVIRONMENT). That's what you do when you are having an EA. Also, the feeling of being 16 again, the excitement of sharing yourself with a new person..it is a drug and it becomes an addiction that iis very hard to break.

 

But the cause started long ago with a communication breakdown...

[Reggie]

A "degree of awareness"? Were you lobotomized? You were not aware of what you were doing?

Cognitive dissonance is a fancy way of saying you actively sought to justify your actions to yourself. It is not like being non compus mentis.

[samprez]

A "degree of awareness"? Were you lobotomized? You were not aware of what you were doing?

Cognitive dissonance is a fancy way of saying you actively sought to justify your actions to yourself. It is not like being non compus mentis.

 

Life is far from black and white. Before I ended up in my situation I would have thought I'd be the last person to engage in an EA. No excuses, but one conversation leads to the next to the next and so on. And the next thing you know you're in a world of trouble. But I'm not going to sit here and debate with you that making mistakes (we all make them) means that a person is forever determined to have a personality disorder. I could argue that seeing everything black and white is a personality disorder in a world with so much grey.

 

The point I'm making is that marriages have cycles and sometimes factors enter in and out of your life that cause you to find yourself on various roads. Yes, decisions are made, but understanding concepts like cognitive dissonance help any of understand why certain choices are made at certain intervals. It doesn't make me proud or happy that I made my decisions, but I am comfortable knowing that at the root of this, I'm not a bad person. I am paying for my mistake in many, many ways.

 

Marriages don't have to be "unhealthy" for things to happen. There are trials and tribulations that confront us daily or for longer periods of time that put us in decision making modes. As my W and I go to MC, it's interesting watching her listen to me discuss some of the disconnects we've had over the years. She thought we'd be there discussing my A; instead, we're examining us. The facts are that while she's not responsible for my behavior and actions, that to simply suggest that the WS has a personality disorder allows the BS to own no responsibility for an unhealthy marriage. The two can be exclusive. Poor decision making and behavior versus a poor marriage. If my W hasn't been fully participating in the marriage; regardless of my actions, didn't she contribute to an unhealthy marriage.

 

Reggie, life ain't black and white. We all make bad decisions (an 8 iron instead of a wedge) and we live with the results. I'm not going to back down and wear a scarlette letter forever because of a bad decision and forget all of the good I've done in my life.

[Reggie]

I have no idea if you have a personality disorder and never suggested you did. I merely said it was something you might want to take a look at as they are common among cheaters.

In any case, I realize life is nuanced. But, some things are just clearly wrong, some moreso than others. This is not buying a driver and not telling your wife.

Most therapists will tell you infidelity is considered the most severe form of emotional spousal abuse. It has longlasting effects and inflicts incredible pain.

And, I don't subscribe to the belief that folks cannot change. Nor do I think that the WS is the sole contributor to marital problems or that issues other than the affair need to be addressed.

But, if you read much on this, most "experts" that have published have reached the conclusion that in the vast majority of cases, it was the Ws who was the main contributor to the marital problems, even pre-A(not that this is a competition). And, that makes sense. By virtue of the fact that the WS has given concrete proof of a willingness to lie, inflict immense pain, fail to communicate or adequately problem solve, conclusions can be drawn about his or her pre-A qualities that interfere with a good relationship.

At this early point, with the affair in the forefront, it is hard to understand much of a focus being placed on the other issues. I've seen the analogy that if a house is on fire, one does not address the termite problem at that point.

It's good to be aware of your proclivity for cognitive dissonance and I agree we are all susceptible to this, although using it to facilitate an affair is extreme.

I beleive folks make mistakes. Lord knows, I have. I do not believe one is forever branded by virtue of having abused a spouse in this way.

[bentnotbroken]

Life is far from black and white. Before I ended up in my situation I would have thought I'd be the last person to engage in an EA. No excuses, but one conversation leads to the next to the next and so on. And the next thing you know you're in a world of trouble. But I'm not going to sit here and debate with you that making mistakes (we all make them) means that a person is forever determined to have a personality disorder. I could argue that seeing everything black and white is a personality disorder in a world with so much grey.

 

The point I'm making is that marriages have cycles and sometimes factors enter in and out of your life that cause you to find yourself on various roads. Yes, decisions are made, but understanding concepts like cognitive dissonance help any of understand why certain choices are made at certain intervals. It doesn't make me proud or happy that I made my decisions, but I am comfortable knowing that at the root of this, I'm not a bad person. I am paying for my mistake in many, many ways.

 

Marriages don't have to be "unhealthy" for things to happen. There are trials and tribulations that confront us daily or for longer periods of time that put us in decision making modes. As my W and I go to MC, it's interesting watching her listen to me discuss some of the disconnects we've had over the years. She thought we'd be there discussing my A; instead, we're examining us. The facts are that while she's not responsible for my behavior and actions, that to simply suggest that the WS has a personality disorder allows the BS to own no responsibility for an unhealthy marriage. The two can be exclusive. Poor decision making and behavior versus a poor marriage. If my W hasn't been fully participating in the marriage; regardless of my actions, didn't she contribute to an unhealthy marriage.

 

Reggie, life ain't black and white. We all make bad decisions (an 8 iron instead of a wedge) and we live with the results. I'm not going to back down and wear a scarlette letter forever because of a bad decision and forget all of the good I've done in my life.

 

 

 

For me life is black and white. For some apparently not so much.

[White Flower]

I am new to this site and am trying to figure out what to do with my marriage after the A ended. what could be the common reasons for one of the spouses to cheat? Any advices will be appreicated.

 

First of all, welcome to LS!

 

Ignore the Black and White thinkers on this board because they obviously do not wish to help you find yourself. You are seeking self-awareness and trying to understand what you did to yourself and to your marriage. They will shed the quickest and brightest light on the fact that you did something 'wrong', but you seem to already know that. Hmm. I guess you were looking for some deeper and more meaningful answers.

 

Conversation is the answer for you. And there happen to be many colors within a conversation, whereas one-liners in black and white only make you feel bad and not want to come back for the more meaninful discussion.

 

Many of us will converse with you with the hope that you will find the meaning behind all of this. It might take time, but if you keep at it you will find some answers.

 

Now about your self-esteem. I am aware that in some countries superstition is stronger than religion. My children were constantly called ugly by the old-timers (because they were actually very beautiful) and there was a great fear that the evil eye would damage my children's gorgeous looks. (ExH was MidEastern). It did not bother me because they would say it in their language and my babies didn't understand it. Ignorance was bliss.

 

Sometimes mothers within these cultures fear that their GORGEOUS daughters will become tempted to sleep with the first boy who comes along and calls them pretty so they will do ANYTHING to guard the purity and the reputation of their daughters, including telling them they are ugly. I suspect this may be true in your case. If she just said it to be mean that is another issue, yet all lead to poor self-esteem. But I am not sure it was poor self-esteem that lead you to cheat.

 

I assume that you were not allowed to date. You were not allowed to develope a sense of intuition (with regard to men), which kind of male chemistry matched with your own, and which 'type' of man you even liked. That is the problem with arranged marriages. Yes, your parents BELIEVE they know what is best for you, but if they did not take you both for a DNA chemistry match test (saw it on Good Morning America this week) then your parents DON'T know which husband is best for you.

 

Did you end your A because you got caught? Felt guilty? Loved your husband? Felt you OM needed freedom? It would help to know more info before addressing your question.

 

Does your H know about your A?

 

I'll go and look at some of your other posts so I can get a handle on your story.

 

WF.

[bentnotbroken]

First of all, welcome to LS!

 

Ignore the Black and White thinkers on this board because they obviously do not wish to help you find yourself. You are seeking self-awareness and trying to understand what you did to yourself and to your marriage. They will shed the quickest and brightest light on the fact that you did something 'wrong', but you seem to already know that. Hmm. I guess you were looking for some deeper and more meaningful answers.

 

Conversation is the answer for you. And there happen to be many colors within a conversation, whereas one-liners in black and white only make you feel bad and not want to come back for the more meaninful discussion.

 

Many of us will converse with you with the hope that you will find the meaning behind all of this. It might take time, but if you keep at it you will find some answers.

 

Now about your self-esteem. I am aware that in some countries superstition is stronger than religion. My children were constantly called ugly by the old-timers (because they were actually very beautiful) and there was a great fear that the evil eye would damage my children's gorgeous looks. (ExH was MidEastern). It did not bother me because they would say it in their language and my babies didn't understand it. Ignorance was bliss.

 

Sometimes mothers within these cultures fear that their GORGEOUS daughters will become tempted to sleep with the first boy who comes along and calls them pretty so they will do ANYTHING to guard the purity and the reputation of their daughters, including telling them they are ugly. I suspect this may be true in your case. If she just said it to be mean that is another issue, yet all lead to poor self-esteem. But I am not sure it was poor self-esteem that lead you to cheat.

 

I assume that you were not allowed to date. You were not allowed to develope a sense of intuition (with regard to men), which kind of male chemistry matched with your own, and which 'type' of man you even liked. That is the problem with arranged marriages. Yes, your parents BELIEVE they know what is best for you, but if they did not take you both for a DNA chemistry match test (saw it on Good Morning America this week) then your parents DON'T know which husband is best for you.

 

Did you end your A because you got caught? Felt guilty? Loved your husband? Felt you OM needed freedom? It would help to know more info before addressing your question.

 

Does your H know about your A?

 

I'll go and look at some of your other posts so I can get a handle on your story.

 

WF.

 

 

Aaahhhh WF, I don't like being ignored.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ahhh so going through life morally gray is what your saying to do?

 

If that's the case I suspect when you do something grievously wrong what are you gonna say, hey I see things in gray it's not wrong? Cheating isnt wrong, right? Catching STD's isnt wrong right?

 

I mean if you own your mistakes and apologize for it, that would be the first step in doing things on the right track instead of being defensive and so offended when your the injuring party things would be better off, now wouldnt it?

[White Flower]

Crazylady01, you said: Now, the A ended in the best way it could, my friend has moved on, I am suffering terrible depression, it hurts badly, at the same time, I start thinking about what I should do next, I do not want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I thought about devoice lately, but it will hurt a lot of people, my kids and our parents. In our relatives eyes, we are the ideal couple. I was always the good daughter and daughter in-law. My husband refuses to go to counseling as he just want to avoid the problem, every time when I try to talk to him about this, he start yelling and we could not continue the conversation. I am very frustrated and sad.

It is a way to sort my mind when I am writing this. Thanks for reading. Anyone out of there has similar situation?

 

I had a similar situation only in that when I tried to get my exH to go to counseling he just wouldn't go, or he would go and try to tell the counselor how to counsel us! Control freak all the way.

 

I also found certain physical features difficult to tolerate. Funny when I was young and in love I overlooked them but when the love wore off these things were very hard to ignore. My M was not arranged, but I was very young and his family did put the pressure on us to marry so that he could get his green card quicker. Being a Christian who didn't want to 'burn in lust', lol, it was easy to cave in to the pressure of marrying sooner. So, I understand what it is like to be married at a young age. I was 21.

 

Knowing that my M was on the rocks and soon over I began an A with a MM. It was the first time I ever loved caressing a man's skin, his scent, his looks, everything about him. Not one thing on this man bothered me. I could have ate him up!

 

I so wish that society wouldn't allow young girls to get married until they feel this feeling. I wish there were no moral taboos about pre-marital sex. How else are we going to know how well matched we are before plunging into a life time contract?

 

Anyway, had I been able to know then what I know now I would not have married my exH. And it wasn't just his physical attraction, or lack thereof, it was all the other stuff too.

 

Now about divorcing your H and making all those people unhappy. Will they be happy if you sleep all the time due to your depression? Will they be happy if you take all kinds of medicine to control your depression? Will they be happy if you go over the edge and do God knows what? Honey, YOU are what is important and YOUR happiness should be your main concern as well as the happiness of your children. If you cannot be happy in your M, then get out. It sounds like you have ended the A and tried to get your H into counseling. What else can you do?

 

You could try reading a few self help books such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray among others, but like others have said communication is very important and if your H can't offer that, then there is little hope in anything else.

[White Flower]

Aaahhhh WF, I don't like being ignored.

Well Honey, you say you're black and white but I see lots of color in YOU!

[White Flower]

Ahhh so going through life morally gray is what your saying to do?

 

If that's the case I suspect when you do something grievously wrong what are you gonna say, hey I see things in gray it's not wrong? Cheating isnt wrong, right? Catching STD's isnt wrong right?

 

I mean if you own your mistakes and apologize for it, that would be the first step in doing things on the right track instead of being defensive and so offended when your the injuring party things would be better off, now wouldnt it?

Morally gray, that's cute. No, that is not what I am saying.

 

I just happen to recognize that this woman is already HURTING and is DEPRESSED. Maybe you don't know what that is like, but when you can't get out of bed and think of never waking up again, COLOR is what helps you rise and deal with life.

 

It sounds to me that she has ended her A (maybe that in itself is an apology), and now she wants to understand the reasons WHY it happened. There is nothing wrong with self-introspection and becoming self-aware.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Morally gray, that's cute. No, that is not what I am saying.

 

I just happen to recognize that this woman is already HURTING and is DEPRESSED. Maybe you don't know what that is like, but when you can't get out of bed and think of never waking up again, COLOR is what helps you rise and deal with life.

 

It sounds to me that she has ended her A (maybe that in itself is an apology), and now she wants to understand the reasons WHY it happened. There is nothing wrong with self-introspection and becoming self-aware.

 

Ok I agree with you there but there's a difference between wanting to fix yourself and self introspection and dwelling on it. Reminiscing about it.

 

And ending the A isnt apology enough. A's are not something to just say your sorry about it takes actions as well. Not just words. In the first post alone it looked like she was saying the OP is a nice person and what not calling him her lover and friend? WTF why dont she repeat the words to her husband and see what he thinks about that?

 

A man who has an affair with a married woman knowingly and not caring about it, is not a friend and not a good person. It's not like she was seperated she caused this to happen. Her mindframe isnt highly remorseful about it. Withdrawal or coming out of the fog is no excuse. I'll let it slide because i have read man sites where women that do cheat take longer to emotionally detach, I get that. but it doesnt sound like she's sorry for the affair within itself.