DunnoWhat Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Any way I can approach this? I want her to lose it without hurting her feelings. All she does is sit and study all day and never excerises. She thinks shes naturally fat then but it's just that she doesn't do any physical activities. In school she never took part in sports either because of her bad ankle.
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Why don't you take some romantic walks with her - or get her out and take a picnic in a scenic spot that you have to walk to? Try and think of things like that. Cook some meals and make them low calorie, etc. but look up recipes online and make sure they are tasty ones. There are plenty of things that you can do to get her active with you and they are fun so she won't even know you are trying to get her to exercise.
Author DunnoWhat Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I forgot to mention its a long distance relationship. We met at the weekend again. She gains alot of weight from when I last saw her. She told me a few weeks ago about it over the phone and sounded depressed about it. She also tells me how she loves chocolate and could eat it all day. Maybe the first things I'll do is I'll stop sending her chocolate.
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Ahhhhhhhh. Well it doesn't help that she is longing to be with you so much! I don't mean you should end it - it's just that chocolate can be a substitute for sex/love. It gives the same rush. She can't be with you and this can lead to those kinds of cravings. Any plans on shrinking the distance between the two of you at some point?
DanTheMan Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 While I do think those are good ideas Island girl and you definitely have the right idea, I don't think your actual ideas are really all that practical when it comes to actually getting her to lose weight. You're going to have to approach it some way or another. She knows she's gaining weight, trust me. You just have to let her know you noticed too. Personally the best way without any form of mis-communication would just be to come out and tell her, but it's probably not the most tactful way. You should ask her to go jogging with you, or if that's not possible because of her ankle, maybe to go swimming. She's not going to lose weight unless she wants to, so you gotta help spark that fire a bit. Just try to make it into an activity for you guys to spend together, like Island Girl suggests. EDIT: oh long distance? Eh... Didn't see that.
2sure Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Tough one. Sometimes I gain weight , so I have to make a conscious effort to monitor it and lose it before it gets to be too much. I always thank my husband afterwards for not mentioning it. Of course, he always says he didnt notice. LOL. Recently we both decided to go back to a regular gym routine and I lost weight right away while it takes him more work. He said "Thats OK because there can only be one fat one in this relationship, and it has to be me." Honestly, there is NO WAY for a man to tell a woman she is getting fat without risking everything. You could try positive reinforcement. If she mentions she has gained weight and it is bothering her: You are beautiful and I know you wont let yourself go. OR I'm glad you are the kind of woman who recognizes she needs to take care of her body and does something about it.
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Honestly, there is NO WAY for a man to tell a woman she is getting fat without risking everything. SO completely true. A remark, while made with the best of intentions, can cause major insecurities that will last and last. It can be very damaging to the relationship. You could try positive reinforcement. If she mentions she has gained weight and it is bothering her: You are beautiful and I know you wont let yourself go. OR I'm glad you are the kind of woman who recognizes she needs to take care of her body and does something about it. I disagree with the comments posted. It is very easy to hear either of those statements that between the lines can say "I won't love you anymore if you are fat". If you must say something try talking to her about how you want her around forever - a very long life - and that her health is so important to you. Try talking about it that way instead. Then it sounds very loving and supportive of her as a human being.
electric_sheep Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Assuming for the moment she CAN do something about it, it will require nothing less than a radical change in her outlook on the world and her views and attitudes about food and exercise. Such radical lifestyle changes don't come easy, but it's possible. Unfortunately, if she can't change, for whatever reason (no reason to even bring up the genetics/environment, free will/determinism debate, because the reason is of no importance really), then the ball is back in your court. Whatever your decision, it should be yours, and it should come from deep consideration. Don't get hung up on societies ideas about beauty, passion, sex, and attraction, and their roles in a relationship. Discover how you feel about these things for yourself. At the same time, don't get hung up on the contrary opinion that physical attraction, beauty, etc... play no role in romantic attraction. These are things you have to decide for yourself. Don't get caught up in the shallow/guilt crap. You create your own values, and determine what's important to you. Have no guilt. It's your life. Lastly, in the long term, try not to "settle". "Settling" should be a short term tactic only. In the long term, either accept someone fully, or move on. Don't feel guilt either way.
movingonandon Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Assuming for the moment she CAN do something about it, it will require nothing less than a radical change in her outlook on the world and her views and attitudes about food and exercise. Such radical lifestyle changes don't come easy, but it's possible. Unfortunately, if she can't change, for whatever reason (no reason to even bring up the genetics/environment, free will/determinism debate, because the reason is of no importance really), then the ball is back in your court. Whatever your decision, it should be yours, and it should come from deep consideration. Don't get hung up on societies ideas about beauty, passion, sex, and attraction, and their roles in a relationship. Discover how you feel about these things for yourself. At the same time, don't get hung up on the contrary opinion that physical attraction, beauty, etc... play no role in romantic attraction. These are things you have to decide for yourself. Don't get caught up in the shallow/guilt crap. You create your own values, and determine what's important to you. Have no guilt. It's your life. Lastly, in the long term, try not to "settle". "Settling" should be a short term tactic only. In the long term, either accept someone fully, or move on. Don't feel guilt either way. Yep, these are the realistic options. Whatever you do, don't fall into the "I guess that's how it;s gona be" mindset. If she does not engage in a credible attempt to lose the weight, and expects you to love her anyway, that's a dealbreaker in more ways than one. Would you expect her to be attracted to you if you ballooned? I didn't think so, so it's only fair. By all means, be gentle and sensitive, but do not let it slide.
Surfer Dude Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I could live with dating a slightly rounded girl, but if she ever became fat and refused to rectify it, dumping would be in order. Physical appearance is manipulated so easily, there is never any excuse for looking bad (unless someone has health issues, that's a different story altogether). Genetics have nothing to do with it, everyone can look attractive if they try to.
electric_sheep Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Sometimes I gain weight , so I have to make a conscious effort to monitor it and lose it before it gets to be too much. I always thank my husband afterwards for not mentioning it. Of course, he always says he didnt notice. For some people, there is little correlation between weight and attraction. So, it's possible he really doesn't notice, or doesn't mind, or even (more rare, admittedly), he may even LIKE it. SO completely true. A remark, while made with the best of intentions, can cause major insecurities that will last and last. It can be very damaging to the relationship. The problem is NOT saying anything can also be very damaging to the relationship. It's sort of a catch-22. Depending on the people involved, passion and chemistry can end up getting drained out of the relationship, which is pretty detrimental in and of itself. If the one partner doesn't say anything to the other, out of fear of hurting their feelings, how can a dialog or debate begin? For some people it is a bigger issue than for others. It may also depend on just how much weight we are talking about, 10 lbs. or 70 lbs. My gf gained 65 lbs. in total, and I didn't start the "dialog" till she had already gained 30 or 40, and I wish maybe I had started it before, to be honest. Our relationship is heading into a decidedly asexual direction with each pound gained.
electric_sheep Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Physical appearance is manipulated so easily, there is never any excuse for looking bad (unless someone has health issues, that's a different story altogether). Genetics have nothing to do with it, everyone can look attractive if they try to. I'm not so sure I agree with this. You should watch the BBC documentary "Why Thin People Are Not Fat". I think the issue is more complicated than this, and hence I think it's pretty meaningless to talk about it in terms of guilt, blame, and responsibility. I'm not sure looking at it from this "moral" framework of responsibility gets any of us anywhere anyway. If you don't find fat women attractive, does it even matter why they are fat? Even if you 100% knew it was due to genetics, it's not like you would suddenly find them attractive would you? I think this tendency to want to blame and place responsibility is a gross oversimplification and a Western "disease". There is no reason to "blame" anyone for their physique, and likewise there is no reason for you to feel any guilt for not being attracted to overweight women. What is... is.
fral945 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 You’re just delaying an inevitably bigger confrontation/problem if you don’t speak up soon. I agree with the other poster in using the health argument. Does she have any friends that do any kind of exercise/dance classes? Since you aren’t close to her most of the time, a support group of friends who are active might be beneficial. Women seem to be more likely to exercise when they have a supporting cast around them. As far as diet goes, it's truly a challenge to make major permanent changes. Women seem to be more prone to emotional eating for comfort as well. My only advice is when you are together maybe cook some healthy meals together and/or don't eat junk around her. I'm not sure what you can do when she is away, though.
Author DunnoWhat Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I'm not attracted to overweight women or skinny women. They don't look healthy. My girlfriend has gained about 15lb (a rough guess) since we first met. She's naturally good looking otherwise apart from that. I agree that she needs a big change in mindset. She thinks herself as being fat and people who think themselves as being fat usually do things to make themselevs fat. Any plans on shrinking the distance between the two of you at some point? Yeah in about 18 months. Until then we'll just have to meet every so often. We met last weekend.
socialight Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 have her go to www.bodybuilding.com and look at the "daily transformations" for women. Have her understand that fitness and health are important to you. Lead by example. Make some of your activities together revolve around fitness. Hopefully she will come around.
Author DunnoWhat Posted February 27, 2009 Author Posted February 27, 2009 I told her about excerising tonight and she said she knew I was letting her know she's too fat. I think she was upset and crying but she was ok in the end. I told her that she has to stop thinking of herself as being fat and she agreed to try change how she sees herself.
socialight Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 yeah, don't use the term "fat". Just keep saying "you are really out of shape".
clv0116 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Any way I can approach this? I want her to lose it without hurting her feelings. All she does is sit and study all day and never excerises. She thinks shes naturally fat then but it's just that she doesn't do any physical activities. In school she never took part in sports either because of her bad ankle. Get a his and hers gym membership and make it a shared activity.
Green Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Seriously theres practicly nothing you can do. You can constantly invite her to do athletic activities but really you can't controll her and this is such a touchy subject I wouldn't bring it up, just either accept her or break up with her you really shouldn't feel selfish if you feel you have to break up over this I just wouldn't be blunt... say something like you no longer feel the spark and you have to be honest you want to see other people... ie don't say your dumping her because she got fat
jadelil25 Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 What Island girl said is a good idea. Just get more active together. Go out for nice walks or go Ice skating or something else which is active together. That way it looks like a date and something that you are doing together. Dont say anything to her though because that will hurt her feelings.
Recommended Posts