just need to talk

[addictingpancake]

its been a while since i've actually posted here, but things have been a lot better with me and my bf. cept for the past 3 weeks =\ this post is mostly just for me to get feelings off my chest. these are just some things that have been bugging me lately.

 

if you truly love and care about somebody, and they are having a bad day.. wouldn't you want to talk to them to try and make them feel better? And if you know that you are making things worse, wouldn't you feel bad? wouldn't you try to fix things.. not ask them "why can't you just feel better on your own?" (that's probably the most hurtful thing he has said to me.. but he was going through some stuff.. then again so was i..)

 

for some reason we aren't talking right now.. i'm not really sure.. normally it starts cause something is bothering me (by normally, i don't mean to say that this happens frequently..) and so i stop talking, and he's not the guy to express feelings, so he backs off as well. but then i will confront him and we talk things out and it's all better. but this time we just stopped talking. saturday we talked for most of the day, then that night we said less. sunday he got on (aim) and started talking about his ps3 and blah blah, which was interesting me at the moment, so i didn't really say much in response. about an hour later he said he's hungry. a few hours later, he tells me he took a nap (i hate it when he takes naps without telling me -.- not in a clingy way, but because he just disappears for 1-2 hours and i have no idea why. it makes me worry sometimes o.o) from what i remember, that was about it. monday, he didn't get on aim til about 7, normally he's on by 2. and i was sleeping (stayed up late working on a history paper the night before). when i woke up, i didn't realize he was on til about an hour later. and because he never said anything to me, i didn't say anything to him either. so that night we said nothing.

 

tuesday and wednesday he never got on aim at all. we haven't texted either. i don't really want to be the first to make contact. I want to see him make the effort this time.. especially since i'm not sure why he hasn't tried to make any contact.

 

wow that left my initial goal of a rant.. i guess i do want some advice >.< am i doing the right thing by letting him step forward, or should i go ahead and ask him what's going on. something similar to this happened just a few weeks ago.. only it was a lot worse.. but things got better. maybe something is going on in that he just isn't ready to talk about right now.. i miss him so much, i just want things to get better =\ sorry this turned out so long ^.^' and if you spent your time reading it, tyvm

[Island Girl]

its been a while since i've actually posted here, but things have been a lot better with me and my bf. cept for the past 3 weeks =\ this post is mostly just for me to get feelings off my chest. these are just some things that have been bugging me lately.

 

So there has been a problem for three weeks...

Initially reading through your thread you described what has happened only the last six days...?

 

if you truly love and care about somebody, and they are having a bad day.. wouldn't you want to talk to them to try and make them feel better?

 

Yes. Unless he doesn't want to talk about it and needs some alone time. Or everything I am saying isn't helping and then I would just leave him alone and he'll make himself feel better.

 

And if you know that you are making things worse, wouldn't you feel bad? wouldn't you try to fix things.. not ask them "why can't you just feel better on your own?" (that's probably the most hurtful thing he has said to me.. but he was going through some stuff.. then again so was i..)

 

If what I was saying was making him feel worse then it would become his problem to deal with however he wanted to deal with it really quick - and he can deal with it on his own because he is an adult - and if he was taking it out on me in some way I'd expect an apology when he got his head straightened out.

 

for some reason we aren't talking right now.. i'm not really sure..

 

If you don't know then there is a huge breakdown in communication.

 

normally it starts cause something is bothering me (by normally, i don't mean to say that this happens frequently..) and so i stop talking, and he's not the guy to express feelings, so he backs off as well. but then i will confront him and we talk things out and it's all better.

 

So this has happened enough times that there is a pattern? How awful. It isn't a healthy relationship whether it has always been that way or this is just recently only you can answer that.

 

Something bothers you so you shut down? That is immature, unhealthy, and in an LDR - deadly for the relationship.

 

You say you shut down and then he doesn't express his feelings. How is he supposed to feel when you back away from him and the relationship? Do you expect him to "chase" after you? Completely immature.

 

If you end up confronting him in the end anyway why not just cut out all the crap and talk to him about what you are feeling when you feel it.

 

It sounds like it is a weird type of game.

 

but this time we just stopped talking. saturday we talked for most of the day, then that night we said less. sunday he got on (aim) and started talking about his ps3 and blah blah, which was interesting me at the moment, so i didn't really say much in response. about an hour later he said he's hungry. a few hours later, he tells me he took a nap (i hate it when he takes naps without telling me -.- not in a clingy way, but because he just disappears for 1-2 hours and i have no idea why. it makes me worry sometimes o.o)

 

There is so much in here I don't know where to start.

 

I think you meant to say you weren't really interested when he was talking about his ps3. So why didn't you just continue the conversation and talk about something else.

It sounds like you just weren't really responding and that is a problem. It can become a huge problem and it sounds like it is rapidly becoming one.

 

OMG. You hate it when he takes naps without telling you?!! WTH?

Does he give you updates on when he uses the restroom or each time he eats, too?

Give me a break.

Really. You can not think this is normal. He is an adult, right?

If you think his safety is in jeopardy just because he isn't visible for a couple of hours???

What is this really about?

You sound extremely insecure and immature in this relationship.

 

from what i remember, that was about it. monday, he didn't get on aim til about 7, normally he's on by 2. and i was sleeping (stayed up late working on a history paper the night before). when i woke up, i didn't realize he was on til about an hour later. and because he never said anything to me, i didn't say anything to him either. so that night we said nothing.

 

You were sleeping (did you check in?!!)

And then you log on and you don't even notice he's there for an hour?!

Are you really invested in this?

And then you play some childish game of "well he didn't say anything to me so I'm not going to say anything to him?"!! WTH?!!

Seriously that is so childish. And if that is the way you are going to handle these things then your relationship is doomed. You should just break up now and not waste any more of your time or his.

 

tuesday and wednesday he never got on aim at all. we haven't texted either. i don't really want to be the first to make contact. I want to see him make the effort this time.. especially since i'm not sure why he hasn't tried to make any contact.

 

If you aren't sure why there is no contact then that is a red flag that you need to make contact to find out what is going on.

 

He takes a nap for a couple of hours and you get "worried" but then he goes missing FOR TWO DAYS and you play this stupid game again?

 

Girlfriend you have some serious growing up to do.

 

wow that left my initial goal of a rant.. i guess i do want some advice >.< am i doing the right thing by letting him step forward, or should i go ahead and ask him what's going on. something similar to this happened just a few weeks ago.. only it was a lot worse.. but things got better. maybe something is going on in that he just isn't ready to talk about right now.. i miss him so much, i just want things to get better =\ sorry this turned out so long ^.^' and if you spent your time reading it, tyvm

 

Yes you do need to talk to him. For all you know he is in the hospital or worse right now.

And if he is just upset then you need to know why to be able to resolve it.

 

You also need to start getting honest and vulnerable in your relationship. Quit the game playing. You sound like you are in high school.

-- Maybe you are...?

[addictingpancake]

[FONT=Arial]omg! it did it again! my internet is being so slow today. the pages keep messing up. *sigh* i guess i will start again.. my 3rd attempt at a reply..[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]everything is better now, we've talked it out. both of us were just feeling a lot of stress in our life, especially him (personal stuff). He needed some time alone, which i understand.. but we could've gone about it in a different way. Although everything is ok now, i think i gave you a pretty bad impression about my relationship. i really would like to some things up and maybe change your opinion. i don't want to leave a bad impression about myself.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]we normally do not have any problems. especially not like this. we've never been in a bad situation for quite as long as these 2 problems, and in such a short span of time. 1st week[COLOR=white]-[/COLOR] bad. 2nd week[COLOR=white]-[/COLOR] good 3rd week[COLOR=white]-[/COLOR] bad again.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]yah, there is a breakdown in communication, which is the problem. idk why it happened.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]i'd like to stress that we don't fight very often at all. not that this is really a fight.. i don't really know what you would call this. it is very rare that we get into bad situations.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]about the shutting down. i know that is very bad in a relationship, especially ld. It's not that i completely remove myself, i just don't talk as much, or talk in the same way i normally would. it's how i act when i'm in a bad mood, except when there's something wrong between us, i feel a lot worse than just "a bad mood". also part of the reason why i back off is because i'm trying to figure out whether something is really wrong, or if i'm just overracting. for example, there's been a time where i got this stupid idea in my head, that he doesn't care about me. after hearing his voice, and talking to him, i realized that i was just being dumb. i think it was just one of those times, when what is really bothering me, is that all i really want is to be able to hug him, to feel his touch. sometimes just reading "i love you" doesn't comfort me. so i ended up turning "i want a hug" into "you don't care about me" which was dumb [COLOR=white]-[/COLOR].[COLOR=white]-[/COLOR] but he thought it was cute. (i didn't make a big problem about it or anything, nothing bad. he didn't even know something was wrong til i told him all of that).. i think i got a little off topic... after typing this two times already, i'm starting to lose track.. sorry..so uhh.. *trying to remember my point* when i "shut down" it isn't to block him out.. that's just how i react when i'm hurt.. but i'll work on it.. i realize it's not the best thing to do. when i do get like that though, sometimes i do wish he would say something to me that would just completely change my mood, make everything better. but no, i do not expect him to chase after me.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]yes i did mean to say that i wasn't really interested, sorry about that. the reason i acted the way i did, is partially for what i said earlier. i wasn't in the best of moods plus i just didn't really feel like talking about games. i did try to move the conversation onto a different topic, but he pulled it right back. that isn't really a reason for me to have stopped talking altogether, but he pretty much did as well. i guess we were both being dumb [COLOR=white]-[/COLOR].[COLOR=white]-[/COLOR][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white][/COLOR][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]lol, this part needs some further explaining.. when i said that i hate it.. i didn't mean that i need to know what goes on in his life every second of every day. i'd rather not keep a record about his entire life.. what i meant was that sometimes we'll be talking on aim, and then all of a sudden he falls asleep, without telling me. it's annoying when that happens. i mean.. it's not hard to say "gonna take a nap, bbl" or something. what i meant by worry is that it's especially annoying when i say something like "i love you" and there's no response. i do realize now though, that after about 30minutes of nothing.. he probably fell asleep. so i usually don't worry anymore.. it depends on what we were talking about and stuff.. i may at first thing i said something wrong. i don't think it's insecure to want to know if he's going to fall asleep while we're talking. if he comes home and wants to take a nap or something, he can do that, he doesn't need to tell me. i just want him to tell me out of courtesy, not so i know everything he does.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]lol, no i did not check in, but now i'm thinking that i probably should have o.o this is why i didn't realize he logged on: i fell asleep with aim already signed on, so i didn't log in and just not check for him. i usually close out of my buddy list for room on my taskbar, so when i woke up, that wasn't there for me to look at. the only chats i had up were ones i had with friends before i went to sleep, which doesn't include him. so i didn't see anything saying he logged on. i didn't really think to check my buddy list to see if he was signed on because he normally, when i'm idle or something, he'll send me a message saying "wake up!" or "come back!" (not being mean.. just messing around and wanting to talk) but i didn't have one of those, so i just figured he was still signed off. when i opened up my buddy list to ask a friend a question, about an hour after i woke up, i saw that he was on. if i wasn't invested in this relationship, i wouldn't have made this post, or stayed with him for 1yr 3mts.. that would be pointless.. [/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][COLOR=white]-[/COLOR]my intent in not talking to him, wasn't to get revenge or something.. i agree, that would be very immature. i didnt say anything cause i was sad that he hadn't said anything in the first place. if he didn't want to say anything to me, then i didn't want to start a conversation with him. i didn't want to force him to talk to me. why would i want to talk to somebody who doesn't want to talk to me? if that makes sense... idk if you still find that childish.. i was just unsure and hurt i guess..[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial]-hopefully you see what i meant by "worried" when he takes a nap now.. and i do worry when i don't talk to him for a long time. i wasn't worried about his safety in this situation though, if that's what you mean. he didn't just disappear one day, then i would've been concerned. this didn't come as a total surprise because of what happened before this.I[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial] hope that you will change your opinion about me and my relationship now. I hope that you won't see me as immature and insecure. =\[/FONT]

[addictingpancake]

wow.. that font stuff really messed up that post.. sorry

[Island Girl]

wow.. that font stuff really messed up that post.. sorry

 

That's okay.

 

About what I see in your relationship.

 

I am just a cyber being and my opinion doesn't have to matter to you.

 

But since you posted your follow up I'll tell you that there are terrible communication problems between the two of you.

 

It seems like you can't be open about how you are feeling. There are two reasons I think. One, that you want him to just know how to reach you and fix it. And two, if you do open up completely at those times you are scared that he is going to be lacking in his acknowledgment of those feelings and will not reassure you.

 

So you do not fully trust him with your emotions.

While that is hard (yes extremely hard) after a year+ I would think you'd be a bit further down that path than you are now.

 

Expecting him to somehow read your mind and know what to say to suddenly make your world brighter is an immature idea. People are just people and although we love them dearly if we set our expectations too high they still may let us down in some ways.

I am sure he didn't pass Psychic 101 and can not read your mind. He is at even more of a loss because he can not even see your body language to pick up on what you are feeling. You need to talk to him about what you are feeling when you are feeling it.

 

Get it done and out of the way so it doesn't take days to figure it out.

That was a lot of wasted time these last couple of days, wasn't it?

 

Also - about the falling asleep/nap thing.

Whether you are irritated, nervous, worried, etc. doesn't matter. The fact that you have any emotion toward him doing that when you do exactly the same thing (you fell asleep while you were logged in - right?) is hypocritical.

You should hold yourself to the same standard that you hold him to. So few things in this life are fair. We should at least create an environment of fairness for each other, don't you think?

 

You say you back off because you feel like something may be wrong but you aren't sure of what you are feeling or why. So you shut down.

There is no reason why you can't just say, "I'm just having a bad day and need to get myself out of this funk I guess. So I'm going to go take <a walk - a bath - whatever it is that you do in your alone time>" or something like that.

 

Or you can talk it over ahead of time. Talk about the fact that you have had this situation happen a few times before and you don't want to handle that situation the same way again because it is not good for either of you.

 

I know you deeply care about each other.

 

I am glad everything is better. I do wish you the best.

[addictingpancake]

Thank you for replying to my post again. Your opinion matters to me because i always see your advice on other threads, and you always seem to be right on target. You obviously know a lot when it comes to ldr. I really appreciate you taking your time to help me out. Also, i'm very excited for you and your husband. You've been through a lot, and i hope that immigration will stop giving you such a hard time finally and let you two finally be together. You definitely deserve it.

 

firstly, i see what you mean about being hypocritical and unfair. but i think it is a little different, going to sleep when talking vs. going to sleep when the other person isn't even on. Also, this isn't a big problem. I mean, it is annoying to me, but it's not something i freak out about. I have mentioned it to him a few times, but i haven't caused an confrontation. In the end, it's just not that big of a deal. I will try to stop being so bothered by this though.

 

I thought a lot about what you said, and i have come up with something. However, i'm not sure if it's something crazy that i came up with, or if it's something that actually makes sense. I think that i am hesitant when it comes to sharing feelings with him. At least ones that are bad and about him. This is not to say that we aren't open with eachother. I tell him everything and he tells me everything. I think that maybe you were somewhat right about me not fully trusting him with my feelings.

 

I think it might be because one, it's just not something i'm used to sharing. I mean, i tell him about things my friends, parents, etc do that hurt me, and i feel completely fine. But when it comes to something he has done, i feel uncomfortable. It's very rare that i do have a problem with him, and it normally isn't a big deal. So when something big does happen, i hesitate, which ends up making things worse. I think that after some more time, (not saying that i want bad things to happen so i can get used to talking to him about it) i'll be able to talk about these things without being so uncomfortable. I will definitely work on that. I will talk about this with him too, when things get a little better.. i don't want to cause any more trouble right now.

 

The second thing that i think is effecting my trust is that he hasn't been able to completely comfort me in the past. I know past experiences aren't always a reasonable excuse, but i think this is an exception. He has a really hard life. I'm not going to tell you about it, because it's not my place. But it was definitely screwed up, to say the least. Because he didn't always have people expressing their love for him while he was growing up, he isn't able to really express it himself. Sometimes he has trouble showing he cares and sharing his feelings. He has gotten over time though.The point is, that in the past when i have talked to him about something bothering me, he wasn't able to help me much. I ended up doing most of the talking, and comforted myself. I do acknowledge that he does try, and i appreciate it very much. Just knowing he tries makes me feel better a lot. Being in a ldr just adds to the challenge of showing that he cares. I think that because of this, i've had a feeling (which i didn't really realize until now) that talking to him alone won't fix the problem. So i end up reasoning through things myself. Like i can't depend on him to be of much help when it comes to these things. Looking back on it.. that is really ridiculous for me to think. I know he will do what he can to help me. I guess there is a bit of insecurity here, but because of what happened in past times. I'm going to work on trusting him more again when things like this happen again. I'll bring this up as well when i talk to him.

 

Does that make sense to you? or should i do a little more thinking..? I think if i talk to him about that stuff, things will get a lot better. I know that in the end, he will always be there for me. He will always do his best to support me. And likewise, i'll always be there for him. I love him more than anything, and i know that things will always work out.

[addictingpancake]

oh, i forgot to mention that i don't expect him to be able to figure out what's going on and magically fix it.

[Island Girl]

Thank you for replying to my post again. Your opinion matters to me because i always see your advice on other threads, and you always seem to be right on target. You obviously know a lot when it comes to ldr.

 

Thank you very much.

That is very kind.

And the LDR - well, yes, I have been doing this for a very long time. And at a much greater distance for longer times without seeing each other than most everyone I read about. We have come through a lot and have had to resolve A LOT of problems.

 

I really appreciate you taking your time to help me out. Also, i'm very excited for you and your husband. You've been through a lot, and i hope that immigration will stop giving you such a hard time finally and let you two finally be together. You definitely deserve it.

 

Thank you again! I'm very excited too. I honestly can hardly believe it is finally happening. I hope immigration will see all that everyone does here and just gives him the visa as quickly as possible.

I don't even dare to dream about him being here. I have tried lately to imagine him walking through the door at the end of a days work - and I get a partial picture - and it disappears.

In any event, thank you for your best wishes and I hope soon I will be saying "He's coming home!".

 

firstly, i see what you mean about being hypocritical and unfair. but i think it is a little different, going to sleep when talking vs. going to sleep when the other person isn't even on. Also, this isn't a big problem. I mean, it is annoying to me, but it's not something i freak out about. I have mentioned it to him a few times, but i haven't caused an confrontation. In the end, it's just not that big of a deal. I will try to stop being so bothered by this though.

 

In your scenario you went to sleep while you were logged on. It wasn't purposeful but it happened.

He nods off when he is logged on talking to you.

They are more the same than they are different.

I don't think you should be less bothered. I just think you should address it as something that happens on occasion and something that both of you can try to avoid.

Perhaps talk to him about getting off chat with you earlier if he is feeling sleepy.

But at the same time, if it does happen when he is on with you, then you can be a bit more understanding since it has happened to you too and it wasn't something intentional.

 

I have a fantastic story that illustrates my point.

 

My husband and I have a rule about answering the phone because they use cell phones only there and it is just one of the things we have in place to keep insecurities at bay.

 

Well, one day I call several times and he doesn't answer. Approximately four hours go by and he doesn't answer during that time.

So I was thinking "what if something happened" and then also I was boiling mad knowing that more than likely he was not hurt but causing my worry when we already have an understanding about that.

 

So he finally answers and I find out he is fine. But he explains that the power had gone out the night before due to storms and he couldn't charge the phone. So when the power company fixed it he plugged in his phone to charge. The employee told him that the company expected outages that night as well, so he had left his phone charging though he had to go to town to run errands.

Well, I was already angry and I pushed the point that it was a mobile phone and that it should be where he is.

And I wasn't very nice about it (I can be quite a b*tch to be sure).

I told him I didn't want to talk to him then because I was still angry and we'd talk later.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks later.

I go to dinner with a friend of mine and we are gone for six hours.

I had forgotten my cell at home. So I get home and there are four missed calls. They are all from him.

I am sitting there trying to figure out how to get around the fact that I am SO in the wrong - doing exactly what I had just gotten so incredibly angry at him about (only worse on my side because he had a reason and I had simply forgotten).

And the phone rings. It's him so I brace myself for everything being thrown in my face.

 

Me: "Hello" (hesitantly)

Him: "Hi Honey!" - sounds normal - "I tried calling you few times. Do you see it?"

 

Me: "yes..."

Him: "where were you honey?" - still normal

Me: "I went out to dinner with Cristina."

Him: "Oh Cristina! How is Cristina? You guys have such a good time talking and laughing so much huh."

Me: "yes..."

 

At this point I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is just being normal - not overly nice - no sarcasm

 

Him: "you know honey, I was thinking, your phone is a mobile phone too, huh?"

Me: "yes"

Him: "I was just saying it's kinda funny"

 

long pause. And now I am feeling like crap because I really let him have it when he didn't have his phone. And he isn't, so it is humbling.

 

Me: "you're right -"

Him: "I'm not right honey I'm just saying sometimes things happen."

Me: "okay well, I'm sorry - "

Him: " No no no honey don't be sorry I'm just saying. Sometimes things happen."

 

 

End of story.

 

What I am trying to explain to you is that lesson I had to learn - that sometimes things happen and we are better off if we don't go flying off the handle about it. Lest we put our foot in our mouths like I did.

 

 

I thought a lot about what you said, and i have come up with something. However, i'm not sure if it's something crazy that i came up with, or if it's something that actually makes sense. I think that i am hesitant when it comes to sharing feelings with him. At least ones that are bad and about him. This is not to say that we aren't open with eachother. I tell him everything and he tells me everything. I think that maybe you were somewhat right about me not fully trusting him with my feelings.

 

Yes I think so. So now you have to figure out why. What are you afraid will happen? A huge fight? That your feelings will be ignored or shoved aside as insignificant?

 

If you are having an issue with him then it really is something that you need to discuss with him as soon as you can so you aren't holding that in and feeling upset. Especially because it could be something you have misconstrued or misunderstood. If you don't handle it right away then you waste a lot of time feeling terrible feelings and having terrible thoughts when it all could be resolved so quickly.

 

I think it might be because one, it's just not something i'm used to sharing. I mean, i tell him about things my friends, parents, etc do that hurt me, and i feel completely fine. But when it comes to something he has done, i feel uncomfortable. It's very rare that i do have a problem with him, and it normally isn't a big deal. So when something big does happen, i hesitate, which ends up making things worse. I think that after some more time, (not saying that i want bad things to happen so i can get used to talking to him about it) i'll be able to talk about these things without being so uncomfortable. I will definitely work on that. I will talk about this with him too, when things get a little better.. i don't want to cause any more trouble right now.

 

I understand now is not the time to discuss it.

Perhaps you just work out why you are fearful on your side. Just being open about all of you - all thoughts and feelings - will be a tremendous help.

Then you can work on how he reacts, if indeed there is a problem there. We don't know yet, right?

 

The second thing that i think is effecting my trust is that he hasn't been able to completely comfort me in the past. I know past experiences aren't always a reasonable excuse, but i think this is an exception. He has a really hard life. I'm not going to tell you about it, because it's not my place. But it was definitely screwed up, to say the least.

 

I am sorry he has had such a difficult past. And of course experiences are what teach us how we act and react to people and our environment. But that doesn't mean we can't learn new skills. And especially with those we love.

As you can tell from the story above, my husband has taught me A LOT about being understanding and patient.

You can help him with giving you what you need. All you need to do is explain how you are feeling and what you need.

 

Because he didn't always have people expressing their love for him while he was growing up, he isn't able to really express it himself. Sometimes he has trouble showing he cares and sharing his feelings. He has gotten over time though.The point is, that in the past when i have talked to him about something bothering me, he wasn't able to help me much. I ended up doing most of the talking, and comforted myself. I do acknowledge that he does try, and i appreciate it very much. Just knowing he tries makes me feel better a lot. [/quote

 

I think you just answered the question. You end up talking and comforting yourself - which helps you - but by talking it out with him he is learning how you process information and how you work through issues. So he is learning how to give you more of what you need as well.

And he does try - so he is willing to learn what you need and give.

 

Being in a ldr just adds to the challenge of showing that he cares. I think that because of this, i've had a feeling (which i didn't really realize until now) that talking to him alone won't fix the problem. So i end up reasoning through things myself. Like i can't depend on him to be of much help when it comes to these things. Looking back on it.. that is really ridiculous for me to think. I know he will do what he can to help me. I guess there is a bit of insecurity here, but because of what happened in past times. I'm going to work on trusting him more again when things like this happen again. I'll bring this up as well when i talk to him.

 

Good for you. I am so happy that you are examining things like this. If you are more open and trusting it creates more trust. You'd be surprised how just adjusting a little bit - being just that much more open - can strengthen your relationship.

And you'll feel less insecure which will help the relationship as well.

All good things.

 

Does that make sense to you? or should i do a little more thinking..? I think if i talk to him about that stuff, things will get a lot better. I know that in the end, he will always be there for me. He will always do his best to support me. And likewise, i'll always be there for him. I love him more than anything, and i know that things will always work out.

 

It doesn't hurt to explore your feelings a bit more. You need to find out why you feel insecure. What you are afraid of. That will help you to know more about what you need and give him more of an idea of how he can help too.

 

You sound very much in love and I do hope all of this will only make the two of you better for each other and stronger in your relationship.

[addictingpancake]

i've tried imagining what it's going to be like when we are finally together. How it will be when we see eachother. Pretty much all that i've come up with is that i'm going to freeze up and just start crying.. but it's hard to imagine what it'd be like after =\ I can't wait until i see your post telling us that he's coming. It gives me more hope to know that after all you've been through, you are finally going to be together. It reassures me that if you can go through all of that time and trouble, then i can make it through my situation as well.

 

i understand better now by what you mean about the falling asleep situation. If he falls asleep on me again, i'll be sure to ask nicely if he would tell me that he is feeling sleepy ahead of time, like you said. Likewise, i'll do the same if i ever feel like i'm going to pass out.

 

thank you so much for your help ^.^ hopefully things will get straightened out soon. So far things are going very well. maybe part of the trouble this time, was that we both just needed a little time alone. i'm still going to talk about these things though. I feel a lot better now, thanks again for your help. I'll be waiting for your post announcing that your husband is coming. good luck ^.^

[Island Girl]

i've tried imagining what it's going to be like when we are finally together. How it will be when we see eachother. Pretty much all that i've come up with is that i'm going to freeze up and just start crying.. but it's hard to imagine what it'd be like after =\

 

Don't I know it!!

I've been trying to think about what is going to happen learning little behaviors again and working out the compromises.

 

Friends of mine who knew each other before (who are amazed the we both are still together after all this time and situations we have been through in the relationship) say it'll be a lot like that movie What Happens In Vegas.

 

I guess we'll just have to see how we're all going to work things out. What's important is that we do right?

 

I can't wait until i see your post telling us that he's coming. It gives me more hope to know that after all you've been through, you are finally going to be together. It reassures me that if you can go through all of that time and trouble, then i can make it through my situation as well.

 

Thank you and I can't wait until I can post that too!

 

I use the same tactic when I look at my situation and I have posted it here before.

I have to consider myself lucky compared to a lot of others.

 

There were women who were married just before their husbands left to go overseas in WWII. Or the women who had been married to their husbands for years and had children when their husbands left.

Those women did not have the technology as we do now.

Even though I can really only use the phone to talk to my husband, I still have THAT. If I want to hear his voice I can just pick up the phone.

They had to write letters and send them out not knowing where their husbands were or even if they were alive.

Every once in a while they got a letter but daily, weekly, or even monthly they had nothing.

And yet they held on.

 

Where there is a will there's a way.

 

i understand better now by what you mean about the falling asleep situation. If he falls asleep on me again, i'll be sure to ask nicely if he would tell me that he is feeling sleepy ahead of time, like you said. Likewise, i'll do the same if i ever feel like i'm going to pass out.

 

Exactly and remember that occasionally we are human and we do make mistakes.

 

thank you so much for your help ^.^ hopefully things will get straightened out soon.

 

You are very welcome. I am glad I could help.

Really.

You seem like a really sweet girl.

I hope everything gets straightened out soon as well.

 

So far things are going very well. maybe part of the trouble this time, was that we both just needed a little time alone. i'm still going to talk about these things though. I feel a lot better now, thanks again for your help. I'll be waiting for your post announcing that your husband is coming. good luck ^.^

 

I am so glad you feel better and I am glad you are going to talk about these things.

You can help each other feel better about being open and safe with each others feelings.

 

And sometimes we all need to be alone.

I often wonder about that with the technology we have at our disposal if people take that into consideration.

Logging in and then the immediate pressure is there to have to talk - and talk the entire time.

I don't know how I'd be with that.

Sometimes, when I have had a challenging day, I don't really feel like talking. I don't want to be happy - or effect someone else's day with my mood. And it is pretty easy to do that when you are close to someone, don't you think?

 

Things with you guys will be fine. You just have different life experiences and are learning about each other. The both of you can grow together. You just have to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and share exactly how you are feeling when you feel it. Don't sit and stew on anything. The other person feels you are behaving differently and that can just cause a whole mess of problems.