tory2000 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I have been friends with a woman for about 9 months...it's totally platonic. She's into someone else, and I am too. Still, we have spent the last three months getting to know each other as friends, and we have spent a lot of time talking to each other about spirituality, relationships, and just coping with life's challenges. in the last couple of months we've emailed, texted, and talked on the phone daily...sometimes we visit in person and spend hours talking. She has recently been seeing spiritual practitioners to help her with some unresolved issues in her past, some dealing with abuse as a child. Recently she went to see one and ever since then she has vanished from my life. I asked her over email after a couple of days if everything was okay, and she wrote back saying that she just needed to be "quiet", that she would be back soon, and that she would talk to me soon... a week went by and I emailed again saying that I hoped that she was doing okay or that it wasn't something that I had done to drive her away... she wrote back saying that it has been very hard for her lately, she is going through a lot right now dealing with emotional flashbacks of pain and anxiety from when she was very little. She says she is in a lot of pain right now, is trying to protect herself, and that she will eventually "be back" but is currently in need of healing and solitude. I guess I am trying to understand everything, and also be completely supportive of her need for this alone time...I can't imagine what it must be like, and the least I can do is be there, by not being there. Nevertheless, her absence has left a huge void in my life, and I really miss her. We had shared so much with each other, and she has disappeared from my life literally overnight. It's also hard to believe that after spending so much time together that we are completely out of touch...I want to say or do something, but I feel as if I have been asked to step back. Should I just wait, and for how long? It's going on two weeks here, and I am crushed...worrying about her well being, and missing the daylights out of her...any advice would be most appreciated.
flash582 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 We all need alone time every once and a while. Give her her space would be my advice.
lovestory5 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Hello dear! First of all, I can say that there are two ways of this problem. First way is that she really has big emotional problems and she has found the way for her to solve them, that's why she hides. Believe me, when you try to solve the problems in your own mind, the best way is to be alone. In this way you should better wait for more time. Another way is that she wanted more relations with you than friendship. Have you thought about it? Many women begin friendship in hope for further relations. And then she saw that nothing more happened and decided to leave you. [/FONT][/COLOR]
Author tory2000 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Hello dear! First of all, I can say that there are two ways of this problem. First way is that she really has big emotional problems and she has found the way for her to solve them, that's why she hides. Believe me, when you try to solve the problems in your own mind, the best way is to be alone. In this way you should better wait for more time. Another way is that she wanted more relations with you than friendship. Have you thought about it? Many women begin friendship in hope for further relations. And then she saw that nothing more happened and decided to leave you. [/FONT][/COLOR] Thanks. I did consider that hiding out might be her best option, and that makes me think that giving more time is appropriate, but how much is more? I think I need to lose my attachment to the idea that we will have a day to day relationship at this point, and maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't. And even if she does, it may not be for weeks, months, who knows? If it is a long time, I can only guess that things may never be as they were. But isn't that what life is, a constant state of change, and no relationship is ever static, but always in some state of change. In that case it comes down to me and my fears.... afraid that I won't like the future as much as I've enjoyed the past with her. As for the second notion, we had a discussion early on about her commitment to her man and my commitment to my situation. I do think that our common ground made us at times feel closer to each other than with the persons we are with, but I wasn't going to let it get in the way of our friendship, which to me was more important. I am also pretty unassuming and don't think of myself as being seen as anything more than a friend. She is beautiful inside and out, and while I can say that I love her deeply, I have not allowed myself to think of her romantically. I'm pretty sure she doesn't think of me that way. Anyway sure wish I knew what was going on. But I am willing to wait, pray, think positive thoughts on her behalf, and hope for the best in her life. I do miss her though, and I spend much of my day with a big ol' ache in my heart.
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Having gone through a lot of this myself I can tell you that sometimes dealing with these issues are so exhausting that just living a day to day existence is overwhelming. When one is in a friendship there is a certain amount of sharing and effort. There just is. There is no way around it. Even if the friend wants to just be supportive it can be that the conversations pull at delving into the issue or, if the issues are put aside, just the effort to be social (friendly, talking, etc.) is way too much. It is unfortunate but it is just that way.
Meaplus3 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Nevertheless, her absence has left a huge void in my life, and I really miss her. We had shared so much with each other, and she has disappeared from my life literally overnight. I completely 100% understand where your coming from here as I had the same sort of thing happen to me at one time and it hurt like heck. So many questions unaswered and everything with this person just left up in the air.. painful.. very painful. But, if she's not in touch with you then there has to be a reason. Perhaps she is trying to take care of some personal issues. It's also hard to believe that after spending so much time together that we are completely out of touch...I want to say or do something, but I feel as if I have been asked to step back. Should I just wait, and for how long? It's going on two weeks here, and I am crushed...worrying about her well being, and missing the daylights out of her...any advice would be most appreciated. I think this depends on what you can accept here. If you write and there is no reply can you deal with that? That's what I had to do when it came down to this person who vanished from my life. I did write on more than a few occasions. and NO reply back. But, I'm ok with that. I did it more for my own personal benefit than anything else.. if that makes any sense. Really it's up to you here. Good luck. Mea:)
Ronni_W Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 makes me think that giving more time is appropriate, but how much is more? She is the ONLY one who will know when she is ready to be back in touch. Which means that, if you want to totally respect what she has told and asked of you, you will wait for her to contact you. In the meantime, you may want to reflect on where that consistent "big ol' ache in your heart" is coming from. IMO, it is somewhat over the top for the relationship that you've described, which you and she have developed. (So) Is it possible that there's more to it for you, but you just haven't crystallized the feelings and words yet? Or perhaps that this situation is triggering a deeper issue within yourself, that remains unexplored/unhealed? NOT that we don't feel some sadness when we temporarily lose touch with our important people, of course. But healthy, platonic friendships CAN (and do) withstand such absences without too much drama.
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