sl2050 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Alright, so after reading some great advice, I have decided to post my problem. I am sure that I know the answer, but maybe I just need to hear it from someone else...or maybe someone out there can give me advice to help me save my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have lived together for a year and half. We have always had fights, which usually end up with me in tears and him telling me that maybe we should break up. OR they end up with me screaming, yelling and freaking out because I was so mad at him...and him calling me "psycho" (my temper issues are a result of my holding things in, since i don't want to argue with him and then letting it all come out at once...which is bad I know) We always argue over stupid stuff...petty stuff, things that I don't think couples should argue over. Examples: He got ticked when my Mom bought me tickets to see Kenny Chesney for my birthday. His reason? Because he doesn't like Kenny Chesney and I went to a concert on our 3 month anniversary(which at the time he didn't care) when we first started dating and that I "blew" him off for some country singer. He said that Kenny Chesney is a sell out and a stupid country singer. And that I have bad taste in music. He wanted me to sell my tickets, I told him No, that I was going with my mom and he was ticked. He said that since I broke my promise of never going to a Chesney concert (I don't remember making that promise) that I have to make it up to him. He still tells me (every time we fight) that I have to do something to make it up to him, and it has to be huge...but I can't spend money on it...and he will decide when I have made this up to him.(BTW I don't make fun of the music he listens to!) That is the most on going fight we have. He also tells me that he doesn't trust me, because of things that I have done in my past (before we dated) and that he will probably never trust me. Today, he got angry because I didn't answer my cell phone while I was at work. I told him that if it was a huge deal that he could call the office phone and I would talk to him. He then informed me that I had an attitude. I told him that I was sorry that he thought I had an attitude, but I didn't...but I had to get back to work. I then asked if we were going to the gym tonight, and his exact words, "What does it matter you never work out hard enough to ever lose the weight you have gained." This put me in tears...because I get comments like this ALL the time from him. He is always telling me this kind of stuff. And I am not exactly fat! I am tall, and I do have a few extra pounds on me that I am not happy about, but I am not obese or overweight. It really hurts my feelings. Which I have told him this, and he said that he had tried to be nice to me about it but that didn't work and he is trying to give constructive critisicm. Every time we fight I end up apologizing for me being wrong (even if I wasn't) and he never apologizes to me. He tells me that I am the reason we fight. Okay, I am sorry that it was so long. But the thing is, when we aren't fighting we are such a happy, fun loving couple, that all of out friends love to be around....it is like when we fight (which has been often lately) we turn into ugly green monsters...and we don't care what we say to each other, no matter how much we don't mean it and hurt the other person. I feel like we are breaking each other down, and its going to end bad. Should I leave and move on, or take a break? or is there a chance to save us? Someone help, I have been going thru this way to long. And the thing is we are 22 years old, I feel like we are fighting like kids.
socialight Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 >>And the thing is we are 22 years old, I feel like we are fighting like kids. You ARE kids. And what the hell are you doing living together for 1 year and a half outside of marriage at that age anyway?
Scottdmw Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Are you perhaps really upset with each other about some deeper issue which you don't discuss? A lot of time that's what petty fights are about. Different ideas about where the relationship should go (marriage, children, moving to a new area . . . .)? Struggling to control or not be controlled? If you want to end petty fights, one thing you might try is being less reactive. If your boyfriend starts picking a fight it's not that you don't respond, but don't let it get to you. Try to stick to issues rather than letting emotions go. Make sure you get across that you understand how he feels, but you don't necessarily feel that way or agree. Scott
Author sl2050 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 >>And the thing is we are 22 years old, I feel like we are fighting like kids. You ARE kids. And what the hell are you doing living together for 1 year and a half outside of marriage at that age anyway? Because his mother had a level 5 stroke (the worst that you can have) that left her paralyzed both physically and verbally BTW she is only 53 years old...her age saved her life is what the doctors said. After close to a year of trying to take care of her himself, he asked me to move in and help. PLUS I don't think you have to be married to live with someone. You can all have your own views on living together before marriage, but I am not against living together before marriage. And my parents supported my decision.
moman Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 it sounds to me like he has some sort of resentment towards you to keep bringing up something that happened 3 years ago. Maybe he doesn't think you're being forthcoming? If you want to save this, tell hiim that you love him the next time he starts a fight. If he doesn't back down, he probably doesn't love you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Um, he sounds like an immature little jerk. Comments about your weight are unacceptable, period. His sly little comments are cruel and *should be* unwelcome. He sounds controlling and manipulative. The fact that you keep apologizing regardless of whose fault it is should be a red flag to anybody. You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Sure - anybody can be the cute, happy, fun couple around other people - even abusers/abusees. But that doesn't mean your relationship is healthy.
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