Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 This is odd. I am a hopeless romantic, yet at the same time, I tend to be practical where romance is concerned. I've had tons of crushes, but none that I still really "feel," none that stands out to me as my ultimate crush. To me, love is something that develops over time. And even if I have a brief intense spark with someone, though I don't forget it, I tend to sort of push it out of my mind pretty quickly. I definitely think this is something that I have learned. I try to reserve my romantic "energy" for actual relationships, not crushes. I would go crazy if I thought too much about all this. Now, I feel like things either work out or they don't, there is no such thing as falling in love before you get to know someone. I would have thought this unromantic a few years ago, but now I think it's pragmatic. There is always room to be crazy in love, but I have learned not to extrapolate feelings from mere attraction. I think years of being single have taught me a lot, really. I am not saying I am perfect or that I will never mix up lust and love. But I think I realize that there is no sense in getting all in a tizzy about a crush that may never lead to anything at all. This makes it easier for me to be relaxed and just have my eye on a number of guys without feeling overly intense about any individual before I've even gotten to know them well. Maybe someday I'll let go of this cautiousness, open myself up to hurt. But I'm definitely not going to do that without very good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I think when I'm in a situation where I know the man I am interested in is interested in me, I am quite a "practical" person in the relationship. However, the minute I feel I like the guy more than he likes me, I start to over analyze even the smallest of things. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 In my case yes, and it's a practicality born of painful experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I think when I'm in a situation where I know the man I am interested in is interested in me, I am quite a "practical" person in the relationship. However, the minute I feel I like the guy more than he likes me, I start to over analyze even the smallest of things. Yes, it's best to be (nearly) equal in interest level. That is hard to find and sometimes it takes time for it to level out, but I think it is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I think when I'm in a situation where I know the man I am interested in is interested in me, I am quite a "practical" person in the relationship. However, the minute I feel I like the guy more than he likes me, I start to over analyze even the smallest of things. By the same token, if he was more interested in you than the other way around, you would probably lose interest Catch 22...gotta love dating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 By the same token, if he was more interested in you than the other way around, you would probably lose interest Catch 22...gotta love dating! She didn't say "more," she said simply "interested" Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 the minute I feel I like the guy more than he likes me Sure looks like it says 'more' to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Sure looks like it says 'more' to me Not sure exactly what she meant. But I'm sure the ideal for everyone is to like someone and know they like you! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Maybe someday I'll let go of this cautiousness, open myself up to hurt. But I'm definitely not going to do that without very good reason. this "caution" of yours has been built up thru age and experience and should be embraced and not let go... Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Well I believe in love at first sight because I've experienced it. It didn't work out however, I was married at the time (to a friend I thought I'd grow to love). Love is either there or it's not. That's what I've learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 You may be right, Alpha. I find that when I "let myself go," in any aspect of life, I end up a total mess; going with my instincts just doesn't work for me. When I control myself things always work out better. I am not saying that I don't allow myself to feel emotions, or that my sex drive isn't out of control, but I'm much more inclined now to keep them on the back burner until they actually contribute to my life--not make it harder for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Well I believe in love at first sight because I've experienced it. It didn't work out however, I was married at the time (to a friend I thought I'd grow to love). Love is either there or it's not. That's what I've learned. I don't really agree. Love can be learned, but there has to be something there to begin with. Maybe there wasn't enough of a spark with you and your ex. But it can most definitely grow out of a small flame, from what I've seen of other people's experiences (not myself). It's CHEMISTRY that's either there or not. Not love. If love is meant to be it will come, given sufficient initial interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I try to reserve my romantic "energy" for actual relationships, not crushes. I would go crazy if I thought too much about all this. Yup, crushes are fun little hormonal spikes! They become obsessions or limerence when pandered to. This doesn't mean you shouldn't like someone when you're dating. I'm talking about the unrequited kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Yup, crushes are fun little hormonal spikes! They become obsessions or limerence when pandered to. This doesn't mean you shouldn't like someone when you're dating. I'm talking about the unrequited kind. Yup, I understand this all too well. I don't "feed" them anymore. LOL I understand that a lot of relationships do progress quickly and some people feel something akin to love at first sight. That must be a lovely feeling but even in those situations I think one should give themselves a little time to develop that full blown intensity. In fact, I have difficulty "liking" someone when I'm not getting any signals back, whereas I used to have unrequited crushes. I am still open to getting hurt of course like everyone else, but at least I've learned not to worry about people I'm not getting feedback from. Works much better that way. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Love is either there or it's not. did you also learn that its a two-way street? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 BTW, I am not saying that relationships should be purely practical. I've seen people look at it that way and that's very depressing. No, I just mean that feelings should be reined in in some situations, and reserved for times when they will bring you happiness and not unnecessary drama. There is enough hurt possible in relationships, without creating your own via 1) unrequited crushes or 2) feelings for people that you can't or shouldn't date. Link to post Share on other sites
voldigicam Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 This is odd. I am a hopeless romantic, yet at the same time, I tend to be practical where romance is concerned. . . . To me, love is something that develops over time. And even if I have a brief intense spark with someone, . . . Now, I feel like things either work out or they don't, there is no such thing as falling in love before you get to know someone. I would have thought this unromantic a few years ago, but now I think it's pragmatic. . . . Maybe someday I'll let go of this cautiousness, open myself up to hurt. But I'm definitely not going to do that without very good reason. I'd have been more or less in agreement. But. I was divorcing, living alone. Fairly well beat up. Thinking I'd take a year or two, then start really thinking about finding another SO. At a friend's suggestion, I invited his younger sister over for dinner. Cuz she was nice and I thought it would be interesting and different. She was a bleach blond ditzy hair dresser, former horse trail guide. And I was a Ph.D. scientist working in complex things. We had dinner, chatted a bit. Played her some piano. We were both a little shy. Shook hands, she left. We both had the same experience. "Oh crap, I'm not ready to fall in love with this person but I think it's too late to stop now." So we were very cautious and careful and slow [pragmatic, in the above post] and didn't really figure out we were completely utter hopelessly smitten with each other (rather than just being a one-way thing) for a goodly amount of time. So it happens sometimes. Dragged kicking and screaming into love by that first spark. I think that's probably very rare and takes people willing to hold back and get to know each other without tipping the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 This is odd. I am a hopeless romantic, yet at the same time, I tend to be practical where romance is concerned. No, sorry can't relate - I'm not practical about my romantic feelings at all. I wish I was. I've learned how to control them as I've gotten older... but they're still in there, as irrational as ever. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I tend to be pretty "practical" with my feelings. Of course, there are times when I am struck with cupid's arrow and feeling completely irrational and full of butterflies and walking on could nine. But, these feelings are most *physical* not necessarily *mental.* I am old enough to know that love is more than just *feelings.* Emotions are fleeting. Feeling excitement and passion will eventually subside, but real love is commitment, trust, honestly and going through the good and bad times. So, maybe it's not that I'm practical, but maybe that I just have a realistic understanding of what goes into a successful relationship. The one thing you can't force is chemistry though -- I don't mean that in a purely sexual matter -- it's really about how well you vibe with a person on an intangible level. You either have it or you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isolde Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I tend to be pretty "practical" with my feelings. Of course, there are times when I am struck with cupid's arrow and feeling completely irrational and full of butterflies and walking on could nine. But, these feelings are most *physical* not necessarily *mental.* Precisely! It's funny: I get infatuated so easily. That's how I discovered, ironically enough, that while I have a lot of crushes, they don't stick with me in the long run because there is very little "mental" component. Of course, many deeper feelings do start as crushes, so I'm not trying to demonize the whole concept of "the crush" here. Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Good attitude Isolde. I tend to get too carried away. Its not helpful. I think the way you operate is more common than we think. It just doesn't make a good TV show or movie. So, you don't hear about it as much. Link to post Share on other sites
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