I feel like I am backsliding...

[redmelon]

Let me start by saying, I have not broken NC, nor do I plan to.

 

I guess I just can't believe that it's going to be this way now. I feel like I am slipping into a depression, though my therapist says that my feelings are normal. I thought I was done crying, not even close. I feel like I am just waiting, walking on eggshells, afraid of what happens next, even if nothing happens next, that will hurt me, too.

 

It's been a month and 2 weeks. I feel more fragile than ever. I feel socially phobic, afraid to go out and see people that might ask me about him, or worse, tell me about him. It's easier to avoid going out altogether. I live in a suburban area without any of my close friends nearby. I am isolated physically, though I talk to them often. I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't feel like I am really breaking away from the relationship entirely in my mind. I am having trouble with my anxiety, and am trying to find a balance without resorting to taking pills.

 

My ex seems to have really had a mental breakdown of some sort. This wasn't your typical breakup where someone just stops loving you, or something like that. He still loves me, and I him. THat's not the issue. The issue has been that he can't handle stress, and impulsively reacts in destructive ways, runs away from the relationship, and then returns. The difference this time, was me. I decided not to take it anymore. I simply can't live my life that way. I am not questioning that decision, but it's still very hard to cope.

 

I am pretty sure that it will come to the surface that among his many problems, that RAD/AAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder/ Adult Attachment Disorder) is the primary issue. I have been doing a lot of reading, trying to understand my role in all of this, and I think that I am probably codependent in a "caregiving" way. I never thought to myself that I can "fix" him, but I definitely put myself and my needs aside once he started getting help, and overlooked a lot of things.

 

I think I just needed to vent, but any feedback is welcome. I am just feeling very low, and very lost.

[lonelygurl]

I understand how you feel. I am also very low and lost. I already suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder and my breakup has made it worse. Now with medication changes everything has more than doubled if not tripled in pain and agony. I'm in a pit and I can't find my way out.

 

Maybe now would be a good time for you to read some books or look at some therapy for yourself if you think you are co-dependant. Learning to love ourselves and live on our own is something we must do. I have been trying to do a lot of reading, which is hard with my concentration, but one good book for you would be Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Another good book I just started again is Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. He talks a lot about being alone and how really we do most things alone. Also, read about grieving and the loss of a relationship. Grieving normally talks about death, but the five stages of grief are not just based on death. They are based on any type of loss.

[redmelon]

Thank you, lonely...

I am sorry you are having trouble with your meds. I know ALL too well what a nightmare that can be. I hope it gets resolved very soon.

 

In response to your comments, I am currently in therapy, and we are trying to figure out what I should learn from the demise of this relationship, and what I need to change, if anything, about myself to be more successful in the future. I don't know that I am co-dependent, just throwing out some ideas. I always seem to feel I have the best intentions, but then I cross that line and end up caring more about him than he cared about himself. That's a problem, not sure whose.

 

As for being on my own, I had lived alone for 5 years when I met him (and he had for 4), I am definitely not a person who "needs" to be in a relationship, or is afraid of being by myself. It was scary for me to let him in and make him a part of my life in that way, but I did it full steam, at his coaxing.

 

I guess it's just really hard to break the mind of that forward future thinking when it involved someone else, and now all of a sudden it just doesn't anymore.

 

I wish you the best, and hope you will feel much better very soon.

[Ronni_W]

Hey red.

Sorry you're having a tough time of it. Sometimes it just feels like we have to "breathe through" the crappy stuff to get to the good, doesn't it?

 

we are trying to figure out ... what I need to change, if anything,

...end up caring more about him than he cared about himself. That's a problem, not sure whose.

Not sure how you meant that first thing, but it isn't up to your therapist to decide what YOU WANT to change/improve. There is always something that we can do better than we currently do, so it's just up to you to choose which thing you want to start with.

 

For the 2nd thing, I'd say that it is a problem for the person who feels most negatively impacted by it. NOT that it is necessarily that person's "fault", just that that person ought to take necessary steps to get back to feeling happy and fulfilled. (If that makes sense?)

 

Anyway. Hope things will improve for you soon. In the meantime,

Sending hugs and good wishes.

[redmelon]

Hey Ronni...thanks for your comments. I guess I need to clarify what I said about my therapist.

 

I am one who goes into a session wanting to know the "facts" about myself. Don't beat around the bush, lay it on me, and be blunt! I can take it! So, I asked her what she thinks I have done to contribute negatively to the situation. Am I needy? No. Am I clingy? No. Do I have a problem with that nurture/caregiver thing? Maybe.

I am not looking for her to tell me what to do necessarily, but more shed light on where I am lacking, so I can jump on looking at it carefully and change what I can. I just feel like I can't see my role clearly. I don't know what I have done wrong, but again, I find myself with a narcissistic crazy person. Not the first time for me, to be honest.

 

I had one other long term relationship, it lasted for 10 years, and I am seeing some of the similarities between this one and that one now. The individuals were SO different, but the patterns that played out were eerily similar. So, I am beginning to see that there is something about me that attracts these broken people - and I really want to change whatever that is, to spare myself from heartbreak like this ever again.

 

In the meantime, gearing up to learn about meditation, and start some yoga training. Anything to get me out of this funk, it's terrible. I could barely talk today. I was so low and sad that I barely said anything to anyone at work. I literally felt like I couldn't open my mouth, so weird. I hate feeling like this more than most anything. The anxiety is pervasive and ever-present. I feel really surprised that I haven't heard one peep out of him, and it makes me feel like he just forgot about me and doesn't care anymore. For some reason, I still really care about that - and it's like I need to know that he still loves me, and cares for me, even if we can't be together. I sit and dwell and stew and conjure up all sorts of terrible things he must be thinking about me. I just wish sometimes there was an OFF button for the brain. It's all so exhausting.

[Ronni_W]

Am I needy? No. Am I clingy? No. Do I have a problem with that nurture/caregiver thing? Maybe.

I would take her "maybe" as something meaningful...because she was clear in saying "no" to the other two.

 

It's frustrating cos the therapist's role is to help the client arrive at his/her own insights and conclusions. But, if we could do that on our own, we wouldn't be in therapy, right?

 

Possibly you can throw another term at her -- "over-responsibility" (or Google it, maybe.) That was one of my issues that came to light.

It's under the umbrella of needing/wanting to care-take others; feeling responsible/obligated for their mental, emotional, financial, physical and/or spiritual health, safety, security and well-being.

 

Part of it is (us) not having strong, healthy, appropriate boundaries -- we take on more than what is actually within our power, control and authority. We feel obligated to do, and "fix", and make life easy for others...and we exhaust and deplete ourselves...and we make them feel inadequate, incompetent and entitled (even though that is NOT our intention.)

 

Like you, I ended up with the same dynamics in many of my relationships -- mom, brother and (ex-)husband, most significantly. Yes, they end up with narcissistic tendencies, unappreciative and taking us for granted. But. Yes, WE nurtured and supported them to act like that. (Same as they nurtured and supported us to act out OUR dysfunctional crap. For me, that included control issues, perfectionism, unreasonable angry outbursts, procrastination and addictive tendencies.)

 

Anne Katherine has a couple of books on 'boundaries' which I found very helpful for my specific set of "issues and blocks".

 

I sit and dwell and stew and conjure up all sorts of terrible things he must be thinking about me.

If you suppose that your psyche is receiving some benefit(s) from you doing that, what might those be? What does thinking about what HE is thinking about, stop YOU from thinking about? That is, what would you start thinking about if you stopped thinking about what he is thinking about? (Did that make any sense? )

[redmelon]

Wow, this is really interesting. Thank you so much. I got on Amazon, and just from reading the blurb about some of Anne Katherine's works, I can tell that I am heading in the right direction. I am going to get a few different books on the subject of boundaries and see what I find out. Amazing. I can't thank you enough, and I hope I will discover through educating myself on these types of behaviors that I am able to break my own part of this pattern.

 

It's so incredible to me that people attract who they do, based on who they are, and they may not even have a clue or be remotely self aware. It's all just so fascinating to me. Crazy that all this time has passed between my 10 year relationship and this one, I thought I took time to know myself, to be alone, to live and be independent, and know what I wanted. But somehow, I ended up with another person in crisis. Next time, I want to be much more in control of myself, before I let my little heart take over.

 

I feel a little better at the thought of progressing in a positive direction, and thank you so much for your suggestions.

 

In response to your "what would you be thinking about if you weren't thinking about what he is thinking" question, I would probably be thinking that I am scared about my future. There is so much unknown, and that prospect is going to take some getting used to. I still haven't even begun to digest the loss of my future with him, and considering we were engaged, the end of the relationship felt like I was in middle school or something.

[Ronni_W]

I would probably be thinking that I am scared about my future. There is so much unknown....I still haven't even begun to digest the loss of my future with him,

If you don't mind, I'm going to disagree with that last part...seems as if you are fully in the process of digesting the impact of your loss. Maybe more in the middle, or closer to the end, but definitely have already begun .

 

Your challenge now is to recognize that it's not a wise strategy for your long-term, to ignore/deny your deeper fear(s) by keeping your mind distracted with thoughts of what HE is thinking about.

There's another book, 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers, which I haven't read but have heard excellent things about.

 

Which you are doing, anyway -- day by day, moving away from the past and working towards a different happy and successful future. May as well do that with more consciousness, and a clearer, more focused mind, yes?

 

I know what you mean, though, about feeling beyond sad over the death of the old relationship and life dreams. I was an emotional zombie after my separation/divorce. At the same time, it WAS a totally dysfunctional, codependent relationship, where we weren't facilitating each other's personal growth and spiritual development.

And, at the end of the day, NO!...I really did NOT want to be party to that -- not for my Self, and not for him, either.

 

Which then, I wasn't grieving the loss of him/the relationship so much as MY lost hopes and dreams. [EDIT: He/the relationship just represented MY own dreams and vision of MY future.] Which is kind of easier because one can eventually come to logical conclusions that our individual hopes and dreams don't actually die of their own accord...WE have to kill them ourselves (if that is what we want to do with them), or WE have to transform them a bit in our minds so that we can fulfill them as best possible within current-day realities. (Not sure if the latter will feel like a possibility for you now...think it took me quite a long while to get to that.)

 

 

If I also could suggest to just get ONE book at a time, on 'boundaries' (or whatever topic) -- otherwise it can get confusing because each author has a bit of a different take; and overwhelming because we just end up with too many books and pressure to read them, and possibly don't read any of them 'properly'; and non-productive because we just keep taking in new information but not really processing/integrating any of it.

 

Again, wishing you the best.

[D-Lish]

I am sorry you are going through this red... I too have struggled with finding the right meds when it comes to my depression...

 

Just curious what type of therapy you are engaging in, is it psychodynamic? You seem pretty insightful and bright- and they usually employ this type of "back to the childhood drawing board" to work through your issues. It's intensive- but it's extremely enlightening.

 

I was amazed at how quickly my psychiatrist pegged me. He pegged me right down to what I was feeling on the inside and how I portrayed the opposite on the outside (I strut around like nothing is wrong although I have a low sense of self worth). Faking it I guess.

 

I like therapy though.

 

I think the more you understand youself and how you tick, what your motivations are and where certain negative thoughts derive from will change a lot of things for you.

 

One thing I have learned is that the only person you can ever truly understand and change is yourself. Others are responsible for their own actions and issues.

[iwillbebettersoon]

Anything to get me out of this funk, it's terrible. I could barely talk today. I was so low and sad that I barely said anything to anyone at work. I literally felt like I couldn't open my mouth, so weird. I hate feeling like this more than most anything. The anxiety is pervasive and ever-present. I feel really surprised that I haven't heard one peep out of him, and it makes me feel like he just forgot about me and doesn't care anymore. For some reason, I still really care about that - and it's like I need to know that he still loves me, and cares for me, even if we can't be together. I sit and dwell and stew and conjure up all sorts of terrible things he must be thinking about me. I just wish sometimes there was an OFF button for the brain. It's all so exhausting.

 

I'm experiencing the same right now. I dont know if you'll find any consolation in knowing that there is someone crying with you in another part of the world. I pray for strength for all of us feeling this way. We will be better soon.

[redmelon]

Dlish: Thank you for the compliment. I like to think of myself as a problem solver, and someone who knows how to utilize her resources in a proactive way. I have been seeing my therapist for well over a year now, and she is an anxiety specialist. So, the focus has mainly been my "what if" thinking and tendency to over analyze and catastrophize. I have been doing really well.

 

My anxiety manifests itself in bizarre physical ways. My hands burn and feel fat, my arms feel like they will blow off the sides of my body, and of course, the chest tightness and subsequent breathing issues. I have learned a lot and can control it when it happens. It's been an empowering experience, overall.

 

Now my focus in therapy is the demise of this relationship, I am finding that I have trouble with not having a true understanding of what has happened. He truly ended this relationship on a whim, in a moment of anger and defensiveness. It was not preplanned. He regretted it almost immediately, but his pride got in the way of trying to make it right, and now, it's just too late. My therapist feels that my ex has a lot of undiagnosed issues going on, and that one of them is certainly an attachment disorder. She can speak to his behaviors because he has been a part of my therapy sessions on many occasions.

 

So, I feel that I have a lot of discovery to make about myself. In the meantime, is it okay that I am feeling less than social? I am making an effort to have dinner or lunch with a friend once a week, and of course keep in touch with my pals through email, text or phone calls. I feel like, from reading a lot of posts on here though, that I should be "out and about" more. I do feel like I am hiding a bit, and not making a lot of effort to get out in the mix of things. I just don't feel up to putting on a smile, and putting on a cute dress, and acting like I am fine when I am definitely not. It seems like a recipe for drama, to me. What do you think? I am also afraid of getting used to being by myself too much, too. Like I said, I am lost.

[Ronni_W]

In the meantime, is it okay that I am feeling less than social?

Red,

That's something you might want to discuss with your therapist. Mine always said, "If it's working for you, why are you questioning it?" ("Er, because I'm a freak?" And then we'd both laugh .)

 

I think a lot of the "get out and about" suggestions may not necessarily be what is best for any specific situation. And sometimes people use that as a (misguided) strategy to ignore and deny their deeper, more painful feelings.

 

IME, it is not unusual to need a lot of solitude and 'me time' to process and integrate, without too many external distractions. In any case, it sounds as if you're doing a good job maintaining contact with your "outside world".

 

But...your therapist likely will be able to help you alleviate any fears or concerns you're having about it.

[redmelon]

I will discuss it with her again, and I did last week. She said just what you did, that I need to do what I think is best for me right now, as long as it's progressing in a positive direction. I am trying so hard to remain positive. I am reading a lot, and focusing on making my home MY SPACE again, instead of OURS. I am seeing my home as a place of comfort and respite, and I feel relaxed being here.

I would be very uncomfortable going out. I am very involved in the local music scene, and that's how I met my ex. It's a huge group of people that are all "friends" and know both of us. I am not ready to be around those people and hear what they have to say about all of this, and probably hear about whatever they have told him. I am deathly afraid of being hurt more.

 

So, in that way, I feel I am hiding, and not doing what I would normally do. I agreed last week to go to a show tonight, with friends, but then backed out for fear that he might be there. I didn't see that I could possibly enjoy myself, and would be anxious and fearful that he might come. This is the truth of where I am right now. Thoughts? I dont think I am handling this as well as I appear to be...

[Ronni_W]

I dont think I am handling this as well as I appear to be...

How about you are handling it as best you know how, while exploring ways to learn as much from your experience as possible?

 

You are expending yourself, mentally and emotionally -- that can be exhausting and depleting if one is not careful. IMO, you are demonstrating self-awareness and practicing excellent self-care.

 

Is there any chance that you're being too hard on yourself and expecting too much from your Self? (I used to do that, due to my perfectionist and self-critical tendencies.)

 

To me, "going into hiding" is an energy and mental picture of you cowering in a corner, immobile, not functioning at all. That definitely isn't the sense that I'm getting from any of your posts -- I'm much more getting "creating a sanctuary, recuperating, building strength & courage, self-reflecting, learning, growing, healing." It's an active energy; it's positive and forward-moving even though, right now, the movement may be so subtle as to be hardly detectable.

 

When you consider monks and priests who go on spiritual/meditation retreats, their withdrawal from every-day to go inward is definitely is not about "hiding" -- it is about growing and developing, and it is important and heavy-duty work.

 

Maybe it's more like you are "on retreat"? And maybe it doesn't really matter how long it will last? Your Intuition will let you know when you are done.