crazylady01 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I know this happens all the time in real life althoug we all know from the beginning, it is wrong, but we still do it. I was involved with a single man at work, I am married. The A lasted two years and ended after he moved to another city. We had wonderful time togather -- no doublt. We both knew that it is only for fun, nothing serious. But at the end, I did now know what was going on with him at one point, he wanted me to move to live with him, and have a baby togather. But it is not possible. I do not have the courage to leave my marriage, although I am not happy with it for many years. So he moved on, got a girlfriend. And I respect everything he is doing. I am happy for him. But hell, I am just so so SAD all the time and missed him so MUCH. can not stop think about him all the time. Please help! is this nornmal? Anyone has gone through this? I am trying to go NC, but am tempted to email, IM him and call him all the time. sometime he answered, we have a brief talk, and it does not help me feeling better at all. How long will it take me to get over all this? we still work at the same company, but in different city.... Any advice will be appreicated! I never expect this much pain to go through...
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Normal feelings for any person in any R (elationship) to feel at its demise. Affairs seem to be harder still as they offer escape from the M (arriage). So now, not only is one faced with the loss of a loved one but the loss of escape from a bad M. A double whammy. There is NO easy way to forget. There is no pill or medicine one can take for it. Only time. Except, you still pine for him and he has moved on...replacing you with another. Continued contact simply prolongs the agony. He is INCAPABLE of reciprocating as he lives far away...and oh by the way has a gf and has "moved on". So...NC it is. NEVER contact him again. NEVER respond to his attempts either. Each one is a setback. I would also suggest going forward with either a divorce or an attempt at reconciling with your H. One life on this Earth and don't live it in unhappiness. We ALL deserve a happy life.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You have no choice but to leave the OM alone. You were never going to leave your husband, he knew this, so he let go and found someone else, someone who he can share a life with and start a family. Do not call, email or text him.. Let him be. As for your marriage - Either fix it or end it. I'm sure your husband isn't happy either.
Author crazylady01 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Thank you for your response. He told me that the friendship was never gone, and he wanted to remain friend but it is so hard for me. I still have him as a contact in my IM list, I missed him badly and always want to check if he is online..we do not work at the same group anymore. I do not need to contact him, but when people at work mentioned his name and asked me about how he is doing, or talking about his girlfriend, it just hurt me to death. Gosh. when our boss showed me the picture of him and his girlfriend I almost fainted. I want to work with my husband, but all I see from my husband is the conparsion with him,he of course is much better looking and attractive. that made it hard to work thing out with my H. I am sooo lost and sad. Gosh, it just hurt so much. He is on vacation today, I can not stop thinking about what he is doing? I feel I still have a lot of questions to ask him and still want to tell him a lot about how I feel for him. Should I write a letter? Is it a good idea?
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You cannot be "friends" with him. Not after an affair, not for a long long time..Not until those feelings go away. You won't heal properly if he is still in your life. Also, stop comparing your husband to him. Your husband won't ever measure up because you've allowed yourself to become more emotionally attached and fall inlove with another man. How would you feel if your husband cheated on you? Fell deeply for another woman? Maybe you need to confess your affair to your husband, allow him to decide if he wants to stay married to you. Sorry to sound harsh, but focussing on a man whom you will never have is pointless. This guy HAS moved on and so should you..Don't be friends, tell the OM goodbye, that you cannot handle being a friend.
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 He told me that the friendship was never gone, and he wanted to remain friend but it is so hard for me. Right. Because you have deeper feelings for him than he has for you. Its perfectly fine for HIM to be friends (it isnt but we'll shelve that for now) but look how it affects YOU. Sorry, its almost impossibly difficult for two people to have an A and be "just friends". What makes you think you will abide by that boundary now - haven proven incapable of it before? I still have him as a contact in my IM list, I missed him badly and always want to check if he is online..we do not work at the same group anymore. I do not need to contact him,*sigh* NC is NC. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Delete and block his numbers, his email and his IM. The longer he lingers the longer you feel like this. but when people at work mentioned his name and asked me about how he is doing, or talking about his girlfriend, it just hurt me to death. Gosh. when our boss showed me the picture of him and his girlfriend I almost fainted.And to all you lurkers out there...this is why you NEVER cheat with someone at work. Dear OP, how can you go NC when everyone keeps talking bout him? You can't. Each time his name comes up it will sting. Endure them or find another job. I want to work with my husband, but all I see from my husband is the conparsion with him,he of course is much better looking and attractive. that made it hard to work thing out with my H. I am sooo lost and sad. Gosh, it just hurt so much.If you WANT to RECONCILE with your H you must do something even more horrific than "forget your lover". Schedule a session with an MC. And in this first session, admit the A to your MC AND your H. Believe it or not, this is the absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself, your H and your M. All you can see NOW are the downsides to revelation. But there is one UPSIDE you will NOT accept NOW. It is the foundation of your NEW M. Either to your H...or the your next H. Its best for you BOTH. He is on vacation today, I can not stop thinking about what he is doing?Still in the addicted "affair fog" phase. Again, its normal. But get him out of your mind. No magic pill and others will prolly give you advice on that better than I. I feel I still have a lot of questions to ask him and still want to tell him a lot about how I feel for him. Should I write a letter? Is it a good idea?One more time. NC is NC. Every thought and contact sets you back. His answers will only lead to more questions. DON'T. NC. Period. No letters, no calls, no IMs, no emails, no NOTHING. STOP holding on to what you never had nor could have.
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 We both knew that it is only for fun, nothing serious. I suspect that there's a moral to this story somewhere.
Author crazylady01 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Thanks for all your response. we could not resist the attraction. At the begining, I did not give too much thought. We were attracted to each other. I felt bad everytime after I left his place. To my suprise, it last two years, I did not know much about A at all. If I have been a site like this, I would have done things differently, I never thougth devoice is a option for me because my husband takes care of me. I do not know how to confess this to my husband, I do not want to hurt him. He refuses to go to MC with me. I am hoping that I somehow can get over this all by myself.
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I never thougth devoice is a option for me because my husband takes care of me. I find this despicable. I think I'll bow out of this thread.
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I never thougth devoice is a option for me because my husband takes care of me. Of course he does. To a degree. He MEETS SOME of your needs and fails at others. Same with every other married couple on this planet. My own marriage included. I do not know how to confess this to my husband, I do not want to hurt him. He refuses to go to MC with me. I am hoping that I somehow can get over this all by myself.Then I think your path is clear. If he is UNWILLING to work on your M and you are unhappy...get a divorce. To stay in an unhappy M is no way to live. You can't change your H. You can only change you. Your options, as I see them, are to file for divorce or continue in your M as is. Personally, when a spouse chooses to NOT work on the M, you're already divorced anyway.
Author crazylady01 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Thanks you all for your comments. This helps. I am looking for another job and I am thinking about a way to get out my M. I amonly in my early 30s. I can not imagin to be in a unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. The NC makes sense, some of the comments may sounds harsh, but it made me aware how bad I was and how stupid I have been, I did not know what I was doing? I have never had any of this experience. I just know it was worng but the A gave me the happiness that I have never experienced. So I guess, my problem was my marriage, no A will fix it. I know better now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 The problem is not the marriage!!!! Goddamit!! Someting is F-ed up inside of you why wont women ever learn that!!! instead of connecting with your husband you went two years behind his back and slagged another dude and then got the gall to come to this thread and trash him for YOUR affair and blame him like it's all his fault? WTF? You said your husband is on vacation??? Really? I wonder what he's doing right about now? lol. he doesnt want to go to MC, He's financially well off. Hmmm All he needs is one little reason to step out. Makes me never want to get married to any self absorbed woman out there.
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 but the A gave me the happiness that I have never experienced. So I guess, my problem was my marriage, no A will fix it. I know better now. I have heard a psychologist say that many an A saves a marriage, meaning, that the marriage will (limp along?) continue when the CS is having some of their needs met outside the marriage. Now your A has ended, you are faced with the state of your M. There's no avoiding it anymore by escaping to the A on the side. Yes, you do have a decision to make.
Reggie Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I think the problem lays within you, as well, and that may be the reason you have an unsatisfactory marriage. If one partner is satisfied to be "taken care of' and shows a willingness to lie and be unfaithful, no one can have a good relationship with such a person. Your H, on some level, probably realizes that he picked someone that is not marriage material as a spouse. I can understand why he is unwilling to invest in counseling or the marriage as he probably realizes it is a lost cause. Believe me, I speak from expierience, that once the initial pain subsides, your H will be grateful that you have given hin justification to get away from you. You would be doing him a very big favor if you told him and gave him the opportunity to divorce , which he desperately needs. No one should have to go through life with an uncaring spouse and he deserves the chance to find someone better suited to marriage.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Your husband provides for you, but that isn't a real reason to stay married to him. If you're afraid to make it on your own, get a job - Rely on close friends and family members to help you and support you..But please DO NOT stay married to a man you do not love. He deserves a chance at happiness..Maybe you should open up and really talk to him... Did you ever love your husband? Why did you marry him?
Reggie Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Your husband provides for you, but that isn't a real reason to stay married to him. If you're afraid to make it on your own, get a job - Rely on close friends and family members to help you and support you..But please DO NOT stay married to a man you do not love. He deserves a chance at happiness..Maybe you should open up and really talk to him... Did you ever love your husband? Why did you marry him? $$$$$$$$$$:bunny:
Author crazylady01 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My gosh, when I read all these, I am amazed by how a message can be misinterpreted, looks like I have very poor communication skills. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I always make more money than my husband, I am always financially independent. When I said my husband takes care me meaning he is sweet, when I am sick or in danger, he will be there for me. He is my best friend, I trust him. That is what kept me in this marriage. We stopped having sex for 3-4 years. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Did you ever love your husband? Why did you marry him?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]It was an arranged marriage and we married very young: (20 and 21). I never loved him, I see him as a nice guy and a good friend. Devoice was not option because it will make both our families upset and will break a lot of people’s heart. Plus I never know how it will feel if you love someone, which I have just discover and learned from the A.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Anyways, if my husband cheated on me, I will be sad too, but I would understand per our marriage situation. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I understand that people from other countries will not understand this. But please do not be too harsh. I am here seeking for help, and advice not for insults. [/FONT][/COLOR]
Author crazylady01 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 My gosh, when I read all these, I am amazed by how a message can be misinterpreted, looks like I have very poor communication skills. I always make more money than my husband, I am always financially independent. When I said my husband takes care me meaning he is sweet, when I am sick or in danger, he will be there for me. He is my best friend, I trust him. That is what kept me in this marriage. We stopped having sex for 3-4 years. Did you ever love your husband? Why did you marry him? It was an arranged marriage and we married very young: (20 and 21). I never loved him, I see him as a nice guy and a good friend. Devoice was not option because it will make both our families upset and will break a lot of people’s heart. Plus I never know how it will feel if you love someone, which I have just discover and learned from the A. Anyways, if my husband cheated on me, I will be sad too, but I would understand per our marriage situation. I understand that people from other countries will not understand this. But please do not be too harsh. I am here seeking for help, and advice not for insults.
Reggie Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Well, I think the best thing to do would be to tell him and let him seek true love, as well, then.
White Flower Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 $$$$$$$$$$:bunny:No, after reading two of her threads one can see she did not marry for money. It was an arranged marriage so she wasn't even in love. Not her fault, but a concept most Westerners do not understand. And now that her A has ended she is seeking to understand why it happened. To another poster, not Reggie: this means she is NOT self-absorbed.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Okay not self absorbed but very selfish and a golddiger if she just married him for his money correct?
D-Lish Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 Okay not self absorbed but very selfish and a golddiger if she just married him for his money correct? She just stated she is the bread winner in this marriage as well. Cultures with arranged marriages don't offer a choice to the unwilling participants. It may not make sense to us because we don't have to live in that world... Parents/families arrange the marriage- more often than not, leaving the marriage is not an option. Sometimes you just have to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment in order to try and make sense of what someone else is experiencing.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 She just stated she is the bread winner in this marriage as well. Cultures with arranged marriages don't offer a choice to the unwilling participants. It may not make sense to us because we don't have to live in that world... Parents/families arrange the marriage- more often than not, leaving the marriage is not an option. Sometimes you just have to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment in order to try and make sense of what someone else is experiencing. Bullshi*!!!! If she's such a breadwinner she could pay for the divorce she just doesnt want to disappoint her family, but if that's a problem why the hell did she agree to get married to him in the first place? maybe it's a cultural thing we don't understand but if she has free will to have an affair within her marriage, she got enough free will to file for divorce instead of making a mockery of the marriage. And if I was in the husband's shoes I'd rather be alone than to be married to a woman who can't even be my wife. but wait we're married! lol. Please. give me a break. Why suffer in a loveless and sexless marriage just to keep the facade up to keep the approval of family. Her who life with this guy has been one big fat lie. When does it end?
Reggie Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 As iI understand it, then, anyone in an arranged marrige should feel free to cheat. Is that it? Maybe someone should tell her husband about this rule. He must have missed that class.
White Flower Posted February 27, 2009 Posted February 27, 2009 She just stated she is the bread winner in this marriage as well. Cultures with arranged marriages don't offer a choice to the unwilling participants. It may not make sense to us because we don't have to live in that world... Parents/families arrange the marriage- more often than not, leaving the marriage is not an option. Sometimes you just have to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment in order to try and make sense of what someone else is experiencing. Exactly. Unless you've exposed yourself extensively in another culture one finds it hard to believe and accept the actions of others. She may be shunned and cut off forever EVEN BY HER OWN PARENTS if she leaves her H. She may lose HER ENTIRE SUPPORT SYSTEM. Her parents will lose face if she makes a mockery of THEIR DECISION to pair her up with this man. She feels she is stuck and she needs to create a support system of her own with a tight circle of friends if she really wants out. Crazylady, I hope you don't feel as though I am speaking about you while you're not in the room. How are you doing?
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