Author wifesgone Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 i am in the same boat, almost exactly. i agree with you 100%, b ut that is our opinion. i am going with the flow, and am going out next fri with her. i want it to work and if she is not comfortable the way it was ( mostly because or me forcing the issue) , then it would not work. bottom line, how mmuch do you love her and what would you do to make it work? it took me m2.5 weeks to manswer this, but i did and i am doing whatever it takes. gl TIY I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I don't like her being gone. I wasn't saying I don't like having to change. In a daze. I just left her place and man what a relief. We talked for 3 hours. I am not sure we have done that since we first got together. We both got alot of stuff off of our chests. I told her don't hold back tell me what ever you want to say. We agreed we both need to change some things. We agreed that maybe this is what we needed. The saying you don't know what you got till its gone is right on. Luckily she hasn't signed a lease yet. I told her take her time but I can't keep this up for long. We pretty much agreed on a month. I can live with that. If it is what she needs to get her head straight then so be it. I really can see us working all this out now. We both see what we need to do and I think we can beat this. I have a very positive outlook, now.
Gunny376 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 In a book titled "Crazy Time" about divorce, the author relates a story about a corporate executive, who worked long and arduous hours in order to move up the corporate ladder. After years and years, he finally made it to the top floor corner office ~ vice president. He came home with champagne and roses, all a-beam with pride. His wife of thirty something years threw the roses to the side, set the bottle of bubbly to the side, and told him, "That's nice? But, I really just went you had spent more time with me and the children?" I too for the better part of my twelve year marriage focused on my career in the Marines, never working less than sixty hours a week, and more often than not more. When the wife left I was told three things as to the reason, (1) I was a workaholic, (2) I had to change, and (3) that she was going to divorce me to make me change? As has been stated "perspective" is one hell of a thing. Five different people can see a car wreck from a different perspective, and all five of them will have a different tale to tell? I retired early at age 38, not fully retired, ~ but if it came down to it I could make it off my military retirement and still keep a roof over my head, the lights, gas and other utilities on, and food in the fridge, along with medical and dental insurance ~ the basic necessities of live. But I wouldn't and couldn't really "live" and it would be tight. But, still in this economy that within itself is a blessing. But it was Hell getting here, and I paid a high and heavy price for it. But when the divorce went down I had only four years to retire, and with the wife and children gone it didn't make any damn sense to not retire? The problem you have is the same one that I had, but couldn't see? "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy ~ and most any and all women want to have fun, laugh, smile, and enjoy life. When it goes from "Wine, women and song ~ down to the TV, beer and the old lady" most women aren't going to stay around for too long. Her moving out to "find herself" isn't about her my friend ~ its about you. She's clearly placed the ball in your court as to what your going to do? Is it going to continue being the status quo, or are you going to do a serious 180 with your life, lives's aspirations, ambitions, re-define your career goals and objectives. The guy I work for is a self made multimillionaire (and we're talking hundreds of millions ~ not tens of millions) and is on his third marriage and one of the most miserable SOB's I know of? He's only a high school grad, never went to college, but was in the right place at the right time, knew the right people and made more "right" decisions than he did bad ones. I wouldn't trade places with him for all the tea, silk, and whatever else in China. The funny thing about it all is that now that I'm the other-side of my separation/divorce/the Marine Corps I work a forty hour week, make more money than I ever have in my life, owe less debt, have less stress, and turn down over-time unless the boss just needs me to step up to plate for him? What the XHEX and your wife fail to see is that in your youth you can play now and pay for the rest of your life, or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life. Sure it was hard, and times were tough ~ but now I'm reaping from those hard years. Its the analogy of the ant and the grasshopper ~ the tortoise and the hair? What is required and needed is balance? You want to retire by the time your 45 or 46, they you'd best be getting your happy @ss running for President of the United States! Having been retired from the Marine Corps and laid off from one job out here for six months ~ I said ****-it and drew my unemployment pennies for six months. Every Monday, I diligently called into the employment office, "Yea I'm looking for a job! Now send me my check!" It got old quick, fast and in a hurry like. I didn't need a job just so much for the money? But for the challenge, the intellectual stimulation, the personal inter-action, problem-solving, helping others, setting goals, over-coming objectives, etc. A job is much, much more than just a paycheck! Lose your job, and you will find out in a hurry who your true friends are? Lose your job, your wife, your family, your children and your going to watch you whole world collapse. Men don't make friends like women do, and once you've become involved with a woman ~ you're going to find out damn fast just how vast and deep your social network is? And how dependent it is upon the woman you're involved with. Women's social network is based upon feeling and emotions and such things as empathy ~ while men's are based upon doing things together. Your best friend my be all about deer hunting, golf, football, NASCAR, but if his wife puts her foot down and says, "No, we're going to my Mother's Easter Egg Hunting!" Guess where your Happy @ss is going? Its not going to be with your Happly, lonely single self! I'm here to testify and tell you that an empty apartement with just you and a dog on the "back-side" of thirty does not make a home! And I'm also here to stand up and testify that you can't drink away your problems and troubles! When my X left me all she left me with after the movers had gone was a fifth of an Elvis decanter of Jim Beam, a Fred Flintstone jelly glass, and "The Greatest Hits of George Jones", (don't go there ~ its just enough to send you over the edge! ) No matter how this goes down, nor turns out ~ there is life the otherside ~ and a life worth living. If it goes "south" there is life the otherside! You've just got to suck it up for awhile, improvise and make do! But like many of us, you find us yourself at a "cross-roads" and confussed as to which way to turn and to go? Nothing turns out the way we think it should, expect it should nor as it should. At best its a gamble! You throw down your money and do the best that you can. Life lies somewhere between a laugh and a tear! Most of swing back and forth between the two! Do the best you can, make do with what you got, deal with it and move on! There's the way things are, and the way things ought to be? And somewhere in there between the two? Is a little something called "reality!"
in a daze Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 TIY I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I don't like her being gone. I wasn't saying I don't like having to change. In a daze. I just left her place and man what a relief. We talked for 3 hours. I am not sure we have done that since we first got together. We both got alot of stuff off of our chests. I told her don't hold back tell me what ever you want to say. We agreed we both need to change some things. We agreed that maybe this is what we needed. The saying you don't know what you got till its gone is right on. Luckily she hasn't signed a lease yet. I told her take her time but I can't keep this up for long. We pretty much agreed on a month. I can live with that. If it is what she needs to get her head straight then so be it. I really can see us working all this out now. We both see what we need to do and I think we can beat this. I have a very positive outlook, now. my wife signed a 3 month leases( that was the shortest she could sign at the place which was near our home so she could easily see our daughter). up until 2.5 weeks ago iwas pushing for a quick fix. this made things worse. as soon as i really " listened" things have gotten better allbeit for 2.5 weeks. at least we are moving in the right direction. i am sure she will want to use the remaining 2 months to actually see if the changes i am making are real. i dont have a problem with that as long as the relationship starts to get back on track, and hopefully it will. keep up the good work and dont do what i did and look for a quick fix( especially after a few brews). gl
toddro Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I would love to see factual percentages , a study, of reconciled marriges after seperation. Anybody got this info, wha is the success / failure rate?
Mountains10 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I would love to see factual percentages , a study, of reconciled marriges after seperation. Anybody got this info, wha is the success / failure rate? Toddro, when you find this info. I'd be interested to see it as well. I've talked to just 2 people in the last week, whom I found out divorced, and within a year, they were back together again. Then again, I've also talked with plenty who never got back together. I definitely would like to see those stats.
TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 If it was 20% or 2%, what difference would it make? I look at it the same way I would a business. If your chances to be successful are 2%, are you going to focus on the fact that your chances of failure are 98%? Or are you going to focus on the fact your chance of success is 2%? The common percentage I hear about reconciliation after separation is 2%. I consider myself part of that 2%. I think the number is higher than that though personally. Just reading these forums I would say that would be accurate. But when I talk to people and hear stories of how marriages get off track and then get back on track (spouses moving out), I think the number is closer to 15%-20%. As far as divorced and then remarried, it happens. My boss took me into the office when I was going through my separation and told me about his grandparents. They had divorced twice and remarried twice and were still married now after the last divorce, which was 30 years ago. Anything can happen, in my opinion. With that being said, there are some people who are just not ready to be married and do not have any inclination to stay married. That's okay as well. I think you really have to identify your situation and assess realistically whether or not it's worth saving. Then there's a whole methodology to approaching the situation. You can't just beg them back or plead for love. There is no quick fix.
Author wifesgone Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Toddro, when you find this info. I'd be interested to see it as well. I've talked to just 2 people in the last week, whom I found out divorced, and within a year, they were back together again. Then again, I've also talked with plenty who never got back together. I definitely would like to see those stats. I dont' know what the numbers are but I would just about bet 2% isn't far from correct. Most people don't give it time to work out. I was about 5 minutes from filing for divorce, and I backed off. Now I see us back together and working out all our problems. Most people act out of anger just like I did, instead of trying ot see the whole picture. THey dont' give it time. That's my point of view on the situation anyway.
TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I dont' know what the numbers are but I would just about bet 2% isn't far from correct. Most people don't give it time to work out. I was about 5 minutes from filing for divorce, and I backed off. Now I see us back together and working out all our problems. Most people act out of anger just like I did, instead of trying ot see the whole picture. THey dont' give it time. That's my point of view on the situation anyway. Agree completely. Even after the fact, the emotions of loss and betrayal do not allow people to see clearly.
Author wifesgone Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Well we had a great weekend. We went out Saturday night then back to the house, man was that awsome. I spent alot of time at her place Sunday. Things went great then too. Today I get an email full of doubt. She acts like there is no way to work out our problems. A bunch of questions that I knew she had. Neither one of our parents are supporting us. We don't have any time to talk without children running in every 5 minutes. Today it just seems to all fall apart. She was going to come over tonight, I was going to cook her a steak dinner and we were going to talk, but she cancelled on me. I know it sounds like she is cheating but she isn't. I know for a fact. I trust her completely. Man I was looking foward to her being there tonight. I guess it will just take time, there is still alot of resentment and hurt on both our parts. We have decided she is not moving back in until she is comfortable that most of the changes have taken place. As much as I dont' like the idea I feel I must do this and not pressure her, pushing her further away. We were going to go to councelling but she said she doesn't think we need to after the way we have been communicating. I still think she is questioning whether my changes and feeling are real or if I am just putting on a show. I really do want to work it out with her. Man this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, being away from my wife this long. I still hope and pray every day it will work out for us.
TrustInYourself Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 It will get better. Use the free time to improve yourself. Make the changes real for yourself. Stay positive, it always gets worse before it gets better.
Gunny376 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 A couple of books that might help" "Light Her Fire" and for her "Light His Fire" and "How Can We Light A fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?" by Ellen Kreidman (Goggle) "Notes To Each Other" "Love Is The Answer ~ Creating Positive Relationships" "The Two Minute Lover" If nothing else I would highly recommend the first three. The one thing is that she doesn't get to read "Light Her Fire" and you don't get to read "Light His Fire"
Author wifesgone Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Well she did come over Monday night. We ate dinner and talked for about 3 hours. We talked alot about us and our future. I told her don't hold back she was saying she had some stuff to say but didn't want to hurt me. I said say it now or if we do work out our problems it will come up later. So she said a bunch of hurtful things but I saw an instant relief on her face when she got it out. As much as it hurt me. I feel it is for the best. So I didn't see her Tues at all. Emailed back and forth not really getting anywhere. I just kept on and on apolagizing, and I guess she got tired of it. Yesterday she emails me and says lighten up, you are an ass hole you always have been. You are a businessman not a sissy. Just quit. I told her I wasn't trying to be I just wanted her to know I was sorry for all I had done to hurt her. 15 minutes later she calls me we talk all through lunch. Best conversation yet. I go to my desk at about 2 and have an email that is pretty much begging me to come over, she said she was getting off at 3, I said I'll be there. We talk for a long time and then we had the most amazing sex ever. I really think we will be ok. We are talking good. She is actually mentioning coming back home now. I still think it will take a while. Here is the kicker. Her sister has moved in with her. A 28 year old with no hopes no dreams no plans for her future. She is like a little kid. Well they are having alot of fun together and she says she doesn't know how to tell her when she gets ready to come home. She said I was going to ask you if she could stay with us when I come home for a couple of months. I said, we need to be focused on us when you come home. I told her, I'll pay her rent until she gets a better job and can afford it but I won't do that forever. I can't. So it is looking up finally. NO fights at all in 4 days. I am feeling much better am less stressed out and don't actually want to be under her 24 hours a day now.
in a daze Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 space worked for you, CONGRATS!!! i hope it works for me.
Author wifesgone Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 space worked for you, CONGRATS!!! i hope it works for me. Hopefully it will work out for you. Hopefully it will work out for me too. It's not over yet, but the sparks are back again.
TrustInYourself Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Good for you. A success story as long as you keep up with your changes. I'm happy for you.
Author wifesgone Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 I have posted earlier about my wife and I separating. Well she says she wants to come home, BUT her head is not clear that none of the problems will come up again. She said her heart is all in but her head is telling her different. I have hurt her in the past, working all the time letting work affect my home life. Staying stressed all teh time. I have since cut my hours in half, to show her I am willing to work on my problems. I have worked on myself. I have cleared my head. I have let the past go. She says she has let the past go also, but she is still confused. I don't know what to do. I want to make her happy, I want to show her I reallize what I took forgranted. I had put her way down my list of priorities, and I was wrong for that. Anyway she tells me she feels like I am trying to buy her back, that I am going overboard, she wants me to be myself. I was just venting. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this. Just getting some frustrations out.
Owl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 So tell her that the two of you can work together with a professional to come up with a gameplan to ENSURE that she's not hurt again...and neither will you by her actions as well. Insist on MC...with a counselor that can help you get over what she's done, help her get over what you've done, and help the two of you come up with a good foundation and gameplan to help your marriage recover and prosper. Make sure that there's a good plan to help develop communication, identify and meet each other's emotional needs, and "affair proof" your marriage.
TrustInYourself Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I have posted earlier about my wife and I separating. Well she says she wants to come home, BUT her head is not clear that none of the problems will come up again. She said her heart is all in but her head is telling her different. I have hurt her in the past, working all the time letting work affect my home life. Staying stressed all teh time. I have since cut my hours in half, to show her I am willing to work on my problems. I have worked on myself. I have cleared my head. I have let the past go. She says she has let the past go also, but she is still confused. I don't know what to do. I want to make her happy, I want to show her I reallize what I took forgranted. I had put her way down my list of priorities, and I was wrong for that. Anyway she tells me she feels like I am trying to buy her back, that I am going overboard, she wants me to be myself. I was just venting. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this. Just getting some frustrations out. Patience and understanding are key. Don't press hard for anything, give her time. Just keep doing what you have been doing. Be there. Communicate. Go get a counselor and tell her you're going to continue working on yourself and she's welcome to join you if she feels like it. If not, whatever. It takes time. I felt like after the first 2 months I was ready to get back together, but I did not push it. I let the flames increase. I let the passion pick up. I made sure my changes stuck. Continue to press with turning this crisis into one of the defining moments of your life and marriage.
Author wifesgone Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Well this week we had gotten alot accomplished. She still hadn't decided to move back home though. She said she needed more time so I agreed to it, like I really had a choice. LOL Anyway I get a long email this morning, saying she is starting to see what she has to do to fix herself. She is realizing that she made mistakes too, and is willing to correct them the best she can. I am feeling really great at this point. I say hey we are coming close to fixing everything, and will be happy again. Well in the past we have talked about moving out of state in the future. Our families both suck. They don't really have a lot to do with us so, we have always talked about moving away, and restarting our lives. Well I get an email about 30 minutes later that says, "Lets move this weekend" "Let's just leave everything behind go this weekend and buy a house in another state. I have faith do you?" "As long as we are together we can do anything right?" I am completly confused. I am not one to make irrational decisions at all, I am not very spontanious. I like to think long and hard about things before I follow through, especially life changing decisions. I mean what would one say to this? Like I said I am oblivous as to where this even came from. I am now lost again. I have reclaimed my faith in the Lord over the last few weeks. I feel like he is guiding me and helping me a great deal. I guess I am just kindof venting AGAIN. Everyone said it would get worse before it got better, well it looks like things may be getting worse in the next couple of days.
imagine Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Hey there Wifegone, don't let you be deterred from God's path. I want to encourage you to read the articles from marriagebuilders.com. They are free and will REALLY help build your marriage. I'm still learning at 52 years.
Author wifesgone Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Hey there Wifegone, don't let you be deterred from God's path. I want to encourage you to read the articles from marriagebuilders.com. They are free and will REALLY help build your marriage. I'm still learning at 52 years. Imagine, I had not read a book front to back since I graduated college 10 years ago. In the last month I have read over 25 books on marriage, making my wife happy, making myself happy, and about children and divorce/separation. I have read the marriage builder stuff, I think you refered me to it before. I have found it very helpfull all of it. Thanks for the info.
Author wifesgone Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Well we have been emailing back and forth all day. She says she doesn't think she can let go of the past and trust me with her feelings any more. SHe said she has been wishing that I wasn't trying to work on myself and wishes I would have just filed for divorce in the begaining. I think it got her when I said I didn't want a divorce, and she could file if she wanted, but I wasn't going to. It is so hard to keep up hope when things turn bad. I would never wish any of this on anyone. I have kept the kids 5 out of 6 weeks and she was supposed to have them this week but they have stayed with me 2 nights so far. She has pretty much just been focusiing on herself being selfish, she said all she cares about is herself and her happiness. What the f$#@, we have kids to consider in this, not just us. I told her I was not going to give up, on us. SHe acted like she got mad about that also.
imagine Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Log all events. Keep track of her contact with kids. Do not EVER talk about your plans for marriage, just do it. Keep gentle text contact with her. Focus on a solid plan A. Remember MB tactics.
TrustInYourself Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 A ton of advice from people who ended up getting divorced. Be pessimistic and crash and burn. Be optimistic and there is hope. Your mindset, will be your reality.
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