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She moved out, Is it over???????


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  • Author
Posted
So you are going to be reactive to the circumstances?

 

Why the separation, why not a divorce straight up. That is what I would be asking myself and maybe her, if you feel like you can do so without going nuts over your feelings and emotions.

 

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I am not going to sit around with my thumb up my ass until she decides she found herself. As much as I want to see her happy with me if it ain't gonna happen I want it to be over ASAP.

I will probably give it a week or two before I have her served with the papers, but I'm not going to sit around forever waiting deciding what she wants to do.

Emotions will be hard for a while but I will get over it and move on. I can't let it affect me for the rest of my life.

Posted

nothing personal, and maybe its just me, but something seems to be missing from this story, then again i could be totally wrong.

Posted
I honestly don't know what to do. I am not going to sit around with my thumb up my ass until she decides she found herself. As much as I want to see her happy with me if it ain't gonna happen I want it to be over ASAP.

I will probably give it a week or two before I have her served with the papers, but I'm not going to sit around forever waiting deciding what she wants to do.

Emotions will be hard for a while but I will get over it and move on. I can't let it affect me for the rest of my life.

 

Will it really be hard if you are so willing to serve paperwork? It must have been rough for both of you. I agree. You should be taking actions to address the situation from your perspective. But as far as making a life changing decision to formally end the relationship, if that's what it takes to make you feel better, best of luck with that. Is that truly what you want or what she wants? Communication and understanding would be better tools to use, rather than ultimatums and distrust, wouldn't you agree?

 

In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

  • Author
Posted
nothing personal, and maybe its just me, but something seems to be missing from this story, then again i could be totally wrong.

 

Like what? I haven't said every word that has been exchanged that would take years.What part of the story doesn't make sense?

  • Author
Posted
Will it really be hard if you are so willing to serve paperwork? It must have been rough for both of you. I agree. You should be taking actions to address the situation from your perspective. But as far as making a life changing decision to formally end the relationship, if that's what it takes to make you feel better, best of luck with that. Is that truly what you want or what she wants? Communication and understanding would be better tools to use, rather than ultimatums and distrust, wouldn't you agree?

 

In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

 

Yeah it really would be hard. I love her with all my heart.

I do agree 100%. I would love to talk to her and see what she really has on her mind. She has closed up though. WOn't answer the phone and soon as I mention us she just gets pissy. I mean like she doesn't care. She says her moving out is the only way she sees to make it work. She said it is to make it easier on her.

Posted
Yeah it really would be hard. I love her with all my heart.

I do agree 100%. I would love to talk to her and see what she really has on her mind. She has closed up though. WOn't answer the phone and soon as I mention us she just gets pissy. I mean like she doesn't care. She says her moving out is the only way she sees to make it work. She said it is to make it easier on her.

 

Possibly. Maybe it's to make it easier on you. Who knows. It's rough and I think everyone here has a good understanding of that feeling of not knowing. Take care in these rough times.

Posted
Like what? I haven't said every word that has been exchanged that would take years.What part of the story doesn't make sense?

it just seems that if you really love her, you wouldnt, so quick to call it quits. i have a child and and in the same situation. wife needed space, not cheating, family issues, and i am willing to take it slow if thats whats going to get my family back together, appily together.

Posted

I'll be blunt...I don't get it either.

 

Women RARELY...as in almost NEVER...leave like she's done unless it's one of two things. The vast majority of time, she's running TO someone else. In your case, I honestly suspect that whoever you hired as a PI took your money and rooked you. There are so many classic signs of a "wayward spouse" in your story I find it hard to believe that she's not already involved with someone.

 

The only other common candidate is that she's running AWAY from something. As in abuse of some kind...emotional/physical/whatever.

 

Now...I'm NOT accusing you, so don't go down that path.

 

I'm telling you that I agree that something is missing...specifically, there is NOTHING that shows her real motivations for this. Normally, it's pretty easy to see SOMETHING that motivated someone to leave...in this case, we're not really seeing anything that makes any kind of sense.

 

People never do something for "no reason"...even if they themselves don't know what the reason is. The "reasons" she's given make no sense, nor are they anywhere near the level of severity that most women require to truly consider seperating.

Posted
it just seems that if you really love her, you wouldnt, so quick to call it quits. i have a child and and in the same situation. wife needed space, not cheating, family issues, and i am willing to take it slow if thats whats going to get my family back together, appily together.

 

I was married to my wife for 17 years when she started an emotional affair with another man she'd met online.

 

I still loved her VERY much at the time.

 

When she didn't end up flying away to live with him, we discussed a trial seperation as well. But when she was willing to sign a one year lease, and told me that she saw that seperation lasting at least that long, I was NOT willing to put my life on hold for a year waiting for the Sword of Damoclese to fall on my head.

 

I took exactly the steps I recommended to the OP here. I told her that if she wanted to seperate for that length of time, that I would file for divorce, and we'd be done. If she wanted to see where we were at in a year, she could do so...if I were still willing to give her that chance at that time.

 

And that's exactly what this poster needs to do here.

 

She's seeing him as her backup plan for whatever is going on now...she believes that she can do whatever she wants, and he'll be quietly waiting in the wings for her.

 

AND THAT JUST ENABLES HER TO KEEP DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING.

 

Wrong answer.

 

She needs to wake up and realize how destructive her behavior is...and see what its going to cost her if she doesn't change.

  • Author
Posted
I'll be blunt...I don't get it either.

 

Women RARELY...as in almost NEVER...leave like she's done unless it's one of two things. The vast majority of time, she's running TO someone else. In your case, I honestly suspect that whoever you hired as a PI took your money and rooked you. There are so many classic signs of a "wayward spouse" in your story I find it hard to believe that she's not already involved with someone.

 

The only other common candidate is that she's running AWAY from something. As in abuse of some kind...emotional/physical/whatever.

 

Now...I'm NOT accusing you, so don't go down that path.

 

I'm telling you that I agree that something is missing...specifically, there is NOTHING that shows her real motivations for this. Normally, it's pretty easy to see SOMETHING that motivated someone to leave...in this case, we're not really seeing anything that makes any kind of sense.

 

People never do something for "no reason"...even if they themselves don't know what the reason is. The "reasons" she's given make no sense, nor are they anywhere near the level of severity that most women require to truly consider seperating.

 

 

I just had a recollection from about 2 months ago. My wife came home all down and I asked what was wrong. She said, We are intereviewing new attorneys at the office. I used to go to school with one of them. I said Oh really well thats cool. Man apparently that was the wrong thing to say. She went off saying I have not even gone to college and here is someone I went to school with applying to be an attorney at my office "It's embarrasing". I said don't worry about it, you make as much money as him and don't have any student debt. That didn't work either. Since that time it seems that things have been going downhill. She quit wanting to have sex like we did at one time at least 2 times a day, she started gaining a little bit of weight, and all along I knew something was wrong but she always said nothing was wrong. She wouldn't talk about much at the office after that. WEll I went 3-4 weeks ago to eat lunch with her and she was trying to get me to meet this guy, that she went to school with.

 

I guess I pulled the wool over my eyes. I guess it could be she is really having emotional problems or either she is really having an affair with this guy in the office. This may not be it at all but It just hit me like a ton of bricks about 5 minutes ago.

Posted
I was married to my wife for 17 years when she started an emotional affair with another man she'd met online.

 

I still loved her VERY much at the time.

 

When she didn't end up flying away to live with him, we discussed a trial seperation as well. But when she was willing to sign a one year lease, and told me that she saw that seperation lasting at least that long, I was NOT willing to put my life on hold for a year waiting for the Sword of Damoclese to fall on my head.

 

I took exactly the steps I recommended to the OP here. I told her that if she wanted to seperate for that length of time, that I would file for divorce, and we'd be done. If she wanted to see where we were at in a year, she could do so...if I were still willing to give her that chance at that time.

 

And that's exactly what this poster needs to do here.

 

She's seeing him as her backup plan for whatever is going on now...she believes that she can do whatever she wants, and he'll be quietly waiting in the wings for her.

 

AND THAT JUST ENABLES HER TO KEEP DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING.

 

Wrong answer.

 

She needs to wake up and realize how destructive her behavior is...and see what its going to cost her if she doesn't change.

 

Yeah, I agree, if the dynamic is the same. Sometimes, there is no one else. Sometimes there is. Sometimes, the cheating spouse actually can think of others, rather than themselves. Sometimes not.

 

There has to be consequences created by actions. A cheating spouse does not deserve understanding. However, a confused and hurt spouse who has been mistreated and hurt does deserve some understanding, if you hope to keep your marriage going.

Posted

Cut and dry and a response to your thread.

 

It's not over unless you want it to be over.

Posted
I just had a recollection from about 2 months ago. My wife came home all down and I asked what was wrong. She said, We are intereviewing new attorneys at the office. I used to go to school with one of them. I said Oh really well thats cool. Man apparently that was the wrong thing to say. She went off saying I have not even gone to college and here is someone I went to school with applying to be an attorney at my office "It's embarrasing". I said don't worry about it, you make as much money as him and don't have any student debt. That didn't work either. Since that time it seems that things have been going downhill. She quit wanting to have sex like we did at one time at least 2 times a day, she started gaining a little bit of weight, and all along I knew something was wrong but she always said nothing was wrong. She wouldn't talk about much at the office after that. WEll I went 3-4 weeks ago to eat lunch with her and she was trying to get me to meet this guy, that she went to school with.

 

I guess I pulled the wool over my eyes. I guess it could be she is really having emotional problems or either she is really having an affair with this guy in the office. This may not be it at all but It just hit me like a ton of bricks about 5 minutes ago.

 

He's a very likely candidate, to be sure.

 

And if it's all "in the office"...your PI wouldn't spot it. You can't track her work email, nor her activities while she's at work.

 

And...people from your teenage/school years are one of the most common affair partners out there.

 

I'm not saying that she IS cheating with him...I don't have anyway to know from my side of the internet. But, it sounds like you're starting to piece some things together that could well be indicators.

 

Is there ANYTHING you can snoop and check? Anyone at her work that might tell you the truth about what they see going on?

 

Have you looked for an "affair phone" that she might be keeping hidden from you? Samething for personal communications like email/IM? Does she use Myspace or Facebook? If not...try finding her out there now. It's possible she's set stuff like that up without your knowledge.

 

I'm serious...in my nearly five years on this site, I can remember MAYBE one case similar to yours where she WASN'T cheating...vs. the hundreds who were.

Posted
Cut and dry and a response to your thread.

 

It's not over unless you want it to be over.

 

 

TIY, That's not true. In todays society it's over when the Woman says it's over. That's reality.. not pablum.

  • Author
Posted

I don't know what she is thinking. I just got back from her place and "talking" it was really more of a shouting match. Anyway she wouldn't give me her keys, she doesn't know I have changed the locks though. I did inform her I was going to. SHe tried to give me a key to her place instead. I didn't take it of course.

I told her I wasn't going to contact her anymore except to talk to the kids. She ran to me and hugged me saying please don't let this be it. I said well come home, she said no. So I told her this conversation is over then and I left.

Posted

Damn that sucks to know but hey if she dont wanna come home, then what?

 

You keep on moving. I think your doing the right thing. She doesnt want to loose you i sense that but she cant have it both ways where she's single and still married to you. That insane.

  • Author
Posted
Damn that sucks to know but hey if she dont wanna come home, then what?

 

You keep on moving. I think your doing the right thing. She doesnt want to loose you i sense that but she cant have it both ways where she's single and still married to you. That insane.

 

 

She said she wants to try councilling while she is moved out. She said it is the only way she sees to work out our problems. She said that I won't listen and won't compromise. I don't see exactly how moving out is compromise on her part. I just cannot agree to trying to work out problems not even living in the same house. I told her come home and we will go to councelling every day if we have to.

Posted

What do you have to lose going to MC while separated?

  • Author
Posted
What do you have to lose going to MC while separated?

 

 

$155 a session :laugh:

 

Sorry I couldn't pass up a joke.

  • Author
Posted

Seriously. I am just going to back off for the week or two. I am not going to talk to her anymore until I am ready. I told her to have the kids call me at night before bed. I want her to wonder she has done. I am tired of doing all the wondering. I am going to take the next couple weeks to clear my head. Then I will think about whether I want to go to marriage councelling or not.

I can't talk to her without getting pissed off. All I think about is her packing her **** and moving. She said she feels this is the only way to work out problems, well I see it the exact opposite.

Posted

Agrree with Carhill, don't let your pride stand in the way. Do it for the kids! Sounds as though she's confussed about what to do and is grasping for straws like a drowning man?

Posted

she sees it one way and you see it another. exactly why you need counseling, to better your communication. you sound like two 7 year olds fighting over a ball.

  • Author
Posted

I am trying really hard not to let my pride stand in my way. I want to work it out with her. I want to work it out for all of us. I truly do love her, and I believe she loves me.

I have so many people telling me different things I am spinning in circles. Some say she is cheating, some say its her hormones, I found out she isn't taking her Prozac like she is supposed to. All of this may be the cause or none of it, I don't know.

 

This is kindof off base but I am wondering and this is a question for the women. She had a hysterectomy when she was 24 for several disorders she had. The doctor said her ovaries should produce whatever chemical it is for 10 years and then she would have to get on meds. Is it possible that she may be deppressed? Could her ovaries have quit making whatever chemical it is that keeps women sane? I am not a doctor and it has been 4 years since I have heard the terms so I don't remember what all the medical lingo for this is, I am just throwing some stuff out there. I don't want to offend her by asking, I know for a fact it can have an effect because my dad told my mom to go get some meds like the doctor said or she was going to be by herself. It fixed her problems after her hystorectomy. I mean it was unbearable to be around my mom for 6 months or so.

 

I am not being nieve I am just asking questions.

Posted
TIY, That's not true. In todays society it's over when the Woman says it's over. That's reality.. not pablum.

 

Depends. It's over when you agree it's over. Sometimes that's done out of necessity.

Posted
I am trying really hard not to let my pride stand in my way. I want to work it out with her. I want to work it out for all of us. I truly do love her, and I believe she loves me.

I have so many people telling me different things I am spinning in circles. Some say she is cheating, some say its her hormones, I found out she isn't taking her Prozac like she is supposed to. All of this may be the cause or none of it, I don't know.

 

This is kindof off base but I am wondering and this is a question for the women. She had a hysterectomy when she was 24 for several disorders she had. The doctor said her ovaries should produce whatever chemical it is for 10 years and then she would have to get on meds. Is it possible that she may be deppressed? Could her ovaries have quit making whatever chemical it is that keeps women sane? I am not a doctor and it has been 4 years since I have heard the terms so I don't remember what all the medical lingo for this is, I am just throwing some stuff out there. I don't want to offend her by asking, I know for a fact it can have an effect because my dad told my mom to go get some meds like the doctor said or she was going to be by herself. It fixed her problems after her hystorectomy. I mean it was unbearable to be around my mom for 6 months or so.

 

I am not being nieve I am just asking questions.

 

Why all the powerplays? Why no compromising? Why no understanding? If you loved her and wanted it to work out, why can't it be on her terms? You're building resentment and negative reinforcement. That's just going to bite you later on.

 

You can set ultimatums and they can work, but don't you think that those attempts at control because you feel so out of control, are counterproductive long term?

 

Why would you not be understanding towards a separation? Especially if no one else is involved?

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