She moved out, Is it over???????

[GorillaTheater]

I see from these posts either it is way one way or the other. Of course I guess it has to be. There is no compromise between moving out and not I don't guess. Its one way or the other. As far as dating and getting to know each other, I know her. Hell I've lived with her for 8 years.

I am pissed of because she all of a sudden realizes she never had a chance to grow up. Well damn if I did either. I graduated from school met her, fell in love and took care of her and her child. Now she wants to f*cking find her self. She loves me, she loves me not. Why doesn't she just get a damn flower and get to plucking.

She is trying to make me feel guilty about all of this. And if she truly wanted SPACE why doesn't she get a 1 bedroom apartment and leave the kids with me?

I appreciate all the help from you all.

 

She even left her kid from a previous marriage? Are you the adoptive father? If not, there's a legal issue there but I don't know what the answer is.

 

I don't have the experience with cheating spouses that many other posters have, but I can't help but think that the "space" she needs is the space to bang other men. The only other alternative I see is that she has some serious psychological problems (i.e., she's nuts).

 

The bottom line is that you need to decide whether or not you want to work on the marriage. Either way you decide, I would do the following: consult a lawyer, cancel credit cards and have them reissued in your name, and close any joint bank accounts. Regardless of why your wife's doing what she's doing, her judgment (including financial judgment) is suspect and you need to protect yourself.

 

Here's a list of other things you may wish to consider, some of which may not be applicable (it's geared toward the father getting child custody in a divorce) but it might give you some things to consider regardless of whether you want a marriage or a divorce:

 

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374

[TrustInYourself]

I see from these posts either it is way one way or the other. Of course I guess it has to be. There is no compromise between moving out and not I don't guess. Its one way or the other. As far as dating and getting to know each other, I know her. Hell I've lived with her for 8 years.

I am pissed of because she all of a sudden realizes she never had a chance to grow up. Well damn if I did either. I graduated from school met her, fell in love and took care of her and her child. Now she wants to f*cking find her self. She loves me, she loves me not. Why doesn't she just get a damn flower and get to plucking.

She is trying to make me feel guilty about all of this. And if she truly wanted SPACE why doesn't she get a 1 bedroom apartment and leave the kids with me?

I appreciate all the help from you all.

 

Well you are pissed about her moving out. If you don't relax, you're just going to screw the relationship by trying to control it. Your perception is different from her perception. You have to look outside yourself, see things from her side.

 

You think this is something that she thinks is easy or she came up with on a whim. No, this has been on her mind for a while now.

 

My wife said the same things and I chose to listen to her and allow her space. If I pressed her or got angry over things, she withdrew. I was controlling, angry, pessismistic. I learned to control emotions and you'll have to learn to control emotions. Not for her, but for you.

 

And you're right, it's wrong for her to take the children. I think you should plea to her that you want to be a part of the children's lives and share custody during the separation.

 

Control is an illusion. Give up the illusion.

 

I'm sure you're a great guy and she is confused and still wants to date you for a reason. You have hope. Build on your strengths and let go of those weaknesses. Best of luck.

[GorillaTheater]

I guess I misunderstood about the kids. Sorry for the bum advice, then.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Bottomline it isnt his fault she's the one that's doing this. She wants to leave again I say for wanting to pla the field. Dating while your still married is cool when your in the same house but when she's living somewhere else it's like WTF, are we together or we're not. She's softening the blow to lay the bomb on you.

 

My thoughts is that there's someone else in the picture or she's having an MLC.

[wifesgone]

Well she has gotten a house and gone and bought all furniture and such. I haven't talked to her more than 5 minutes the whole weekend. I have kept the kids all weekend and she wouldn't even answer her phone. She was supposed to come get them today and she acted all pissed off at me because she didn't get done moving all her stuff. I have a few questions and I think I know what the answers will be to most of them. Man this is killing me, the waiting. I have no body to talk to about any of this. People I have been there for my whole life are no where to be found to talk to.

 

Should I get the house keys and garage door openers from her?

Should I pretty much consider it over at this point?

Is there any hope?

Should I talk to an attorney just to find out what my legal responsibilities are?

[mark982]

get house key and opener from her. start new checking accts, new credit cards, cancel old ones.i realise you love your step kid, but baby sitting a kid that ain't yours, not going to happen.not your responsibility to make her life easy. you want out? gotta take crap that comes w/ it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well she has gotten a house and gone and bought all furniture and such. I haven't talked to her more than 5 minutes the whole weekend. I have kept the kids all weekend and she wouldn't even answer her phone. She was supposed to come get them today and she acted all pissed off at me because she didn't get done moving all her stuff. I have a few questions and I think I know what the answers will be to most of them. Man this is killing me, the waiting. I have no body to talk to about any of this. People I have been there for my whole life are no where to be found to talk to.

 

Should I get the house keys and garage door openers from her?

Should I pretty much consider it over at this point?

Is there any hope?

Should I talk to an attorney just to find out what my legal responsibilities are?

 

Get your spare key, garage door openers and change the locks.

Yep it's over she buys a house and furniture? Are you paying for it, no. Then it's over. I would consider it so. I dont think she's gonna move back in detach and date other people.

Is it over... From where I stand, what woman in their right mind would upright leave a husband and her kids and buy a house for herself? and dont even have the heart to call her children? F-her!

Yes that is the first thing you needed to do!!! Because her buying a house while your still legally married and still legal attached could mess up your money or something like that. File for seperation or divorce, get your accounts taken care of and let people know what's going on.

[wifesgone]

I just talked to her on the phone. She still maintains she doesn't want a divorce. She said she feels this is the only way to work out our problems, pretty much not even asking my opinion. Well suck me sideways I didn't realize she was a therapist. I am begaining to get real mad about this whole situation, when I got off the phone with her I through my phone through the sheet rock in my bedroom wall, man that was smart. LMAO. I won't have the kids next week maybe I can get out and do some thinking. Get on my motorcycle and ride until my head is clear. I don't want to make a mistake that will mess up either us getting back together or will come back to bite me in the ass in a divorce. I am going tomorrow to buy me a punching bag and am starting back my running routine tomorrow at 4:00am, maybe this will help get some of my frustrations out. Because I just about can't talk to her without getting an attitude anymore. Her sister is moving in with her so she has someone to talk to, unlike me.

 

I also have an appointment with a lawyer to find out my legal recourse and rights. Like I said I don't want to make a mistake and screw myself.

 

I am going to talk to her tomorrow, to inspect the place she is renting. I won't let my kids live in a damn **** hole. I did find out I think her parents are pushing for this, they have always been jelous of me and my family as we are all well off and they have nothing. I am covering my ass though, documenting everything just in case it gets messy. I have things from the past that will come back to haunt her. I could probably get the child that is not mine, but I am hoping it doesn't come down to that. When I said I took her off the streets I literally meant that. She was within 3 days of losing her apartment.

I am going to tell her to give me my keys and opener, and tell her she can come get her things when it is convenient for me. It is killing my little 6 year old girl. She is crying all the time and saying she doesn't understand why she has to move to another house. She has never even asked to sleep in my bed in 6 years but both kids have slept with me all week.

As far as my step son. I was 19 when I met her, she was 21. I took her in and supported her and her son. I have recently had adoption papers done and all I had to do was sign the papers and go to a good daddy school and it was done. His father was a piece of **** and hasn't seen him since before I was around. He seems to want me to assure him that he won't loose me too. I think my wife has told him too much, about what his father did, for his age, or he wouldn't be bringing this up.

Of course when she said she needed to find herself I reminded her about all the freaking time I had to grow up before starting a family. This in no way is meant as resentful. I was young and fell in love. The way I see it you live with your decisions, you can't run from them.

 

I love this woman more than I ever thought possible, and again the thought of loosing her is creaping up more and more in my mind. The main worry is my kids. I want to be strong for them and do whatever I can to make it easier on them. I want to die everytime I see one of them crying over this crap that they have no control over, and no I am not an over protective parent. If they get hurt I tell them to get up and go play some more.

 

Sorry this was kind of long. I just don't have anyone much to talk to about all this. I am hoping maybe getting all this off my chest to some people that will listen will help the process also.

[wifesgone]

Do you all think I should back off and give her space?

Do you think it would make her start really thinking instead of making irrational decisions?

I am just wondering, what has worked or hasn't worked. I do know I won't live in separate houses for long before I throw in the towel and try to move on. I just can't keep on killing myself worrying.

[in a daze]

if you throw in the towel, you are doing EXACTLY what she is doing. give her space, i am going through the same **** and everyone here has told me this. as soon as i backed off, things started to improve( not perfect) but much better. it took a long time to get to this situation, and there are no " quick fixes". it took me 2 months to realise this. good luck, ill be following

[wifesgone]

My problem is we are married. Two married people can't live in separate houses. What about trust? How do I know she isn't cheatiing. I mean I am playing 1000 questions every minute now.

[in a daze]

My problem is we are married. Two married people can't live in separate houses. What about trust? How do I know she isn't cheatiing. I mean I am playing 1000 questions every minute now.

i am married too. if you dont trust her, you shouldnt of been married in the first place

[LakesideDream]

My problem is we are married. Two married people can't live in separate houses. What about trust? How do I know she isn't cheatiing. I mean I am playing 1000 questions every minute now.

 

 

That 1000 questions thing will happen as long as you let it. While blunt, Gunny is correct. You are a 27 year old man. It sounds like you are an honorable man. Raising another mans child as your own is a very honorable thing indeed.

 

The problem is this is the 21st Century. Honorable men have almost no rights, and certainly no rights you don't fight for in the legal system. Your wayward wife can do whatever she wants to do and have the full weight of both the government and society on her side.

 

Something that hasn't received much play on this thread is the sad fact that your wife's reasons for leaving the marital home are all well established as code for "I have a new love interest". That's reality. When you hear those "I need space" words, 98% of the time it's really "I need time to explore the possibilities available with the new man I am sleeping with". You need to know that and act on that reality.

 

The whole new furniture thing, purchased in such a hurry is evidence of the above. She wants a fresh new nest to share with her new guy. She can't stand the thought of sitting on her old couch, smooching and petting her new man, she wants a new couch. Ditto bed.

 

Get your keys (for all the good that does), get your garage door opener, and tell her to email you when she needs access to your home. Put a date certain when that access will end. And..... change the locks, and recode the garage opener. If you don't, when the fog clears she will use the copy of your keys she has made to "liberate" your posessions and even out the property settlement to her liking.

 

Thank your stars that you didn't finalize the adoption. It costs a million dollars to raise a child to adulthood. If you had adopted her, that responsibility would be yours. You will have enough problems trying to stay in your own daughters life.

 

Start looking for that lawyer today, and file for your divorce. There is a 2% chance that filing will shock her into the realization that she's playing adult games now. If not, it has to be done anyway. Do it while the advantage is yours.

 

You are 27 years old, with a lifetime ahead. Use the mistakes you have made to shape the future. Be happy this isn't happening to you 20 years down the road.

[TrustInYourself]

WIG, stop wigging out. Give her some space. Be a good dad.

 

I understand your concerns, but she's not telling you divorce. You have a chance, but right now you need to support her in whatever fashion you can. If you love her, you'll respect her decision for space.

 

What is the alternative? Lose it emotionally and get in her face? Make demands you can't back up? Show that you are weak and afraid?

 

Give her what she wants. You are the stronger person in this, if you can do that.

 

Is there someone else involved?

[wifesgone]

WIG, stop wigging out. Give her some space. Be a good dad.

 

I understand your concerns, but she's not telling you divorce. You have a chance, but right now you need to support her in whatever fashion you can. If you love her, you'll respect her decision for space.

 

What is the alternative? Lose it emotionally and get in her face? Make demands you can't back up? Show that you are weak and afraid?

 

Give her what she wants. You are the stronger person in this, if you can do that.

 

Is there someone else involved?

 

YOu are one of only 2 or 3 people that say let her have her space. If she wanted space she should have asked for space not walked out the door with no reason. I mean I don't honestly see how anyone could say this is a good idea or I should just role over and let her leave whenever she wants to and then come back, when she goes bust.

 

I don't think there is anyone else. I am damn sure gonna ask tonight when I go check out her place.

 

I gotta run now. Going to meet with a lawyer and am going to go let her in the house to get some of her clothes, if I get time. I changed the locks this morning and recoded the garage door opener.

[LakesideDream]

YOu are one of only 2 or 3 people that say let her have her space. If she wanted space she should have asked for space not walked out the door with no reason. I mean I don't honestly see how anyone could say this is a good idea or I should just role over and let her leave whenever she wants to and then come back, when she goes bust.

 

I don't think there is anyone else. I am damn sure gonna ask tonight when I go check out her place.

 

I gotta run now. Going to meet with a lawyer and am going to go let her in the house to get some of her clothes, if I get time. I changed the locks this morning and recoded the garage door opener.

 

Wifeisgone, Let her have all the space she wants, and take the same amount for yourself. You can't do anything to hold on to her, so why try?

 

It is the 21 Century. Until society's money runs out (which appears to have accellerated somewhat) your WS will hold all the trump cards. The only one you hold is her abandonment of the marital home. Let that lawyer use that in your best interests.

 

Good work on the locks and recode. Better safe than sorry eh? I'm sure she hasn't offered you keys to her new love nest.

 

Gawd Speed, and good luck. LS is always here, and that's a help.

[wifesgone]

Wifeisgone, Let her have all the space she wants, and take the same amount for yourself. You can't do anything to hold on to her, so why try?

 

It is the 21 Century. Until society's money runs out (which appears to have accellerated somewhat) your WS will hold all the trump cards. The only one you hold is her abandonment of the marital home. Let that lawyer use that in your best interests.

 

Good work on the locks and recode. Better safe than sorry eh? I'm sure she hasn't offered you keys to her new love nest.

 

Gawd Speed, and good luck. LS is always here, and that's a help.

 

No she didn't offer her keys but I have intentions of asking for a set tonight. Just like I do for her car.

[Owl]

If she wants space...give her space.

 

As you've suggested, get the house keys/garage door/etc... back from her. Bag all her stuff, put it in the garage (or rent a storage facility for ONE month, and tell her that she's taking over the rent on it or they'll repo her stuff). Cancel all her credit cards, remove her from any joint checking accounts, remove her name from the mortgage, etc...

 

And...go down today to talk with a lawyer about divorce.

 

Tell your wife that you hear that she doesn't want divorce...but tell her that you're either married, or you're not. She doesn't want to be married (she moved out, wants to live without you), so clearly it's time for divorce.

 

MAN UP...this is NOT all about what SHE wants, no matter what she tries to convince you.

 

And...I strongly suggest that you realize that she's ALREADY cheating on you with someone else. That's why you couldn't get ahold of her over the weekend in her new lovenest.

 

File for divorce...tell her that you're not willing to put your life on hold for her to go blow off some steam and sow some oats.

 

Seriously...either it'll help you move forward...or it'll make her realize that she's going to lose you with what she's doing. Either way, it's an improvement over where you're at right now.

[LakesideDream]

If she wants space...give her space.

 

As you've suggested, get the house keys/garage door/etc... back from her. Bag all her stuff, put it in the garage (or rent a storage facility for ONE month, and tell her that she's taking over the rent on it or they'll repo her stuff). Cancel all her credit cards, remove her from any joint checking accounts, remove her name from the mortgage, etc...

 

And...go down today to talk with a lawyer about divorce.

 

Tell your wife that you hear that she doesn't want divorce...but tell her that you're either married, or you're not. She doesn't want to be married (she moved out, wants to live without you), so clearly it's time for divorce.

 

MAN UP...this is NOT all about what SHE wants, no matter what she tries to convince you.

 

And...I strongly suggest that you realize that she's ALREADY cheating on you with someone else. That's why you couldn't get ahold of her over the weekend in her new lovenest.

 

File for divorce...tell her that you're not willing to put your life on hold for her to go blow off some steam and sow some oats.

 

Seriously...either it'll help you move forward...or it'll make her realize that she's going to lose you with what she's doing. Either way, it's an improvement over where you're at right now.

 

 

Wise 'ol Owl. How I wish I would have understood these truths when it happened to me. I hope the OP follows through.

[TrustInYourself]

YOu are one of only 2 or 3 people that say let her have her space. If she wanted space she should have asked for space not walked out the door with no reason. I mean I don't honestly see how anyone could say this is a good idea or I should just role over and let her leave whenever she wants to and then come back, when she goes bust.

 

I don't think there is anyone else. I am damn sure gonna ask tonight when I go check out her place.

 

I gotta run now. Going to meet with a lawyer and am going to go let her in the house to get some of her clothes, if I get time. I changed the locks this morning and recoded the garage door opener.

 

Yeah, and I got my wife back. Hmm, imagine that.

 

Don't ask, it's pointless. Just find out. Be prepared for the truth. Losing control of emotions is just going to make your position weaker.

 

I would be cautious about changing all of the locks, unless this was agreed upon.

[TrustInYourself]

If she wants space...give her space.

 

As you've suggested, get the house keys/garage door/etc... back from her. Bag all her stuff, put it in the garage (or rent a storage facility for ONE month, and tell her that she's taking over the rent on it or they'll repo her stuff). Cancel all her credit cards, remove her from any joint checking accounts, remove her name from the mortgage, etc...

 

And...go down today to talk with a lawyer about divorce.

 

Tell your wife that you hear that she doesn't want divorce...but tell her that you're either married, or you're not. She doesn't want to be married (she moved out, wants to live without you), so clearly it's time for divorce.

 

MAN UP...this is NOT all about what SHE wants, no matter what she tries to convince you.

 

And...I strongly suggest that you realize that she's ALREADY cheating on you with someone else. That's why you couldn't get ahold of her over the weekend in her new lovenest.

 

File for divorce...tell her that you're not willing to put your life on hold for her to go blow off some steam and sow some oats.

 

Seriously...either it'll help you move forward...or it'll make her realize that she's going to lose you with what she's doing. Either way, it's an improvement over where you're at right now.

 

You're forcing her hand without her having a chance to realize what it is she needs with separation. This is good advice if you are prepared to live without her. This can be done after the divorce as well. You will get answers in any case. Question is, are you ready for the answer that you will get?

[Owl]

If he DOESN'T force her hand, he's almost certainly headed to divorce anyway.

 

I have NO doubt that she's been cheating on him, and this is truly what has led him to where he's at today.

 

If he does NOTHING...then she's going to continue down this same path without change.

 

If he takes charge, and if he shows her exactly what she's risking...then this gives some opportunity to make a change.

 

I know of what I speak...I went down this exact same path as a result of HER emotional affairs, about five years ago.

 

We're happily recovered today.

 

I would ALSO suggest that he start doing some hardcore investigation...because I am certain he's going to find out that there's been an OM in the wings for some time now.

 

Once that's out in the open, he has a chance to fight for his marriage. Until it occurs, he's fighting a ghost.

[wifesgone]

If he DOESN'T force her hand, he's almost certainly headed to divorce anyway.

 

I have NO doubt that she's been cheating on him, and this is truly what has led him to where he's at today.

 

If he does NOTHING...then she's going to continue down this same path without change.

 

If he takes charge, and if he shows her exactly what she's risking...then this gives some opportunity to make a change.

 

I know of what I speak...I went down this exact same path as a result of HER emotional affairs, about five years ago.

 

We're happily recovered today.

 

I would ALSO suggest that he start doing some hardcore investigation...because I am certain he's going to find out that there's been an OM in the wings for some time now.

 

Once that's out in the open, he has a chance to fight for his marriage. Until it occurs, he's fighting a ghost.

 

 

Papers are being drawn up as we speak. I am going to ask her one more time to come home tonight. If she won't the next time she hears from me other than something about the kids is by a process server. Maybe once she sees I am serious she will quit this little escapade she has been on.

 

She is not cheating. I have had an investigation done over the last week, He could come up with nothing. When she said she has been at her moms thats where she has been. Miles add up on her car no weird cell phone call volumes or anything like that, GPS system on car shows no odd places she has been. No text messaging on cell phone.

If I really thought she was cheating I would call it off right now, with no chance of working out problems, I would never be able to trust her again.

[wifesgone]

You're forcing her hand without her having a chance to realize what it is she needs with separation. This is good advice if you are prepared to live without her. This can be done after the divorce as well. You will get answers in any case. Question is, are you ready for the answer that you will get?

 

I understand where you are coming from but hell, I am living without her now, no communications, not seeing her, not even in the same damn house.

What do you mean by "what it is she needs with separation"?

[TrustInYourself]

I understand where you are coming from but hell, I am living without her now, no communications, not seeing her, not even in the same damn house.

What do you mean by "what it is she needs with separation"?

 

So you are going to be reactive to the circumstances?

 

Why the separation, why not a divorce straight up. That is what I would be asking myself and maybe her, if you feel like you can do so without going nuts over your feelings and emotions.