whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 He's gone now to be with his MOW, he rented out an apartment and he's nesting...waiting for her to show up with her 4 year old son....she hasn't left her husband yet, but he assures me she will and that they will be great together He certainly is living in a fantasy world. She isn't going to uproot her 4 year old son and move directly into a new life with your H. She may want to, but it doesn't mean that's going to happen. Have you spoken to the MW's husband? Sorry, I can't remember if you did or not.
Author hopesndreams Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 It really won't matter whether the MOW finally does move in with him or not, does it? No, would like to think it doesn't anyway. Doing my best to move on, really am but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go. I am not a 100% there yet. Thanks gjack for reposting that poem. I wrote it in a fit of despair and have wrote many of the same types of poems but within the last week I have wrote nothing else. It must mean I am recovering somewhat and my thoughts are not always about him and this horrific situation. There are good guys out there. Of that, I have no doubt. Just hope that when I do meet someone that I don't pass them by because of my pining. It will take time, but please, oh please...let it be soon, as in before Christmas. I have lots of love to give and do not want the x to crawl back into my life when things go pear-shaped for him. I am vulnerable to say the least.
Author hopesndreams Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 She isn't going to uproot her 4 year old son and move directly into a new life with your H. I do believe she will leave her husband and he's setting up house nicely for her when she does. He will make her a good wife one day. He has been over the top in his preparation for her arrival and yes, he is keeping me informed by text and email on how things are going. Have you spoken to the MW's husband? No, I have not. I still do not know who the woman is that took my husband from me and our family. She works in a huge company that my stbx works in, have no idea of her job title, which department, etc, etc...I do know she recently told her H about her affair and he is pissed and is making it difficult for her to leave. They are both morally corrupt (her and my H) and deserve each other. Enough said.
Island Girl Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 He has been over the top in his preparation for her arrival and yes, he is keeping me informed by text and email on how things are going. Why haven't you told him you don't care and he is a complete jackass? Why are you still allowing him to "share" with you? He gets to share and chat with you as he has for these years that he was with you. You are allowing him to have all he used to from you emotionally. Just tell him you don't care to hear about any of it.
gjack Posted April 20, 2009 Posted April 20, 2009 Have you spoken to the MW's husband? No, I have not. I still do not know who the woman is that took my husband from me and our family. She works in a huge company that my stbx works in, have no idea of her job title, which department, etc, etc...I do know she recently told her H about her affair and he is pissed and is making it difficult for her to leave. They are both morally corrupt (her and my H) and deserve each other. Enough said. Talking with MW's husband is irrelevant to your healing process. It's only being spiteful. You said it yourself, they are both morally corrupt and deserve each other. Let that be that and move on. Don't concern yourself with his updates. You can probably block his texts/emails if you really need to find a way to get him to stop giving you updates. You don't care! Right!? DON'T let him crawl back at Christmas time either. Remember the narcissist...it will only feed his ego temporarily to know he could have you /get you back. That's not the future you want, is it? Now's the time to build your strength. Do you have a good support system (girlfriends, therapist, attorney, etc) that you can hang with socially? That will help. Your daughter/grandchild may be a good distraction too, but you need some peer support to help you move on.
Author hopesndreams Posted April 22, 2009 Author Posted April 22, 2009 I don't care who the MOW is and have no wish to contact her or her husband. What's done is done now and I suppose if I had a chance earlier to contact them I would have done it but had no idea who she was at that time....still don't. That part is behind me and has been for awhile. My main fight was finding the man I once knew but could not find him. That's the saddest part for me, and I do miss him very much. Not as the person he is now but the person he was then. You can probably block his texts/emails if you really need to find a way to get him to stop giving you updates. You don't care! Right!? That's right, I don't. It hurts to hear the small stuff as in he bought a brand new sofa and beds and is putting together an IKEA dining room table. That stuff hurts. Updates on getting the walls painted in the house we shared in order to sell it or when the junk truck will be there to take our garbage away is the stuff I need to hear about. Once the house sells may be the time I cut off all contact, but until then......btw, I never initiate contact (yay me)... only he does and I just reply....he may wait an hour or two, but I do reply. I never phone him either, he does the calling and this morning I was a bit abrupt and it didn't go unnoticed by him. No text from him since 2 o'clock and that's a good thing because everytime I do hear from him, no matter what it's about, it saddens me even more. We've only been living apart since last Wednesday so still reeling really. I don't have a support system. No one to talk to about this. That's why I come here and read other stories and share mine, that does help.
gjack Posted April 23, 2009 Posted April 23, 2009 Having some support around you will help a lot. Stay strong...you're doing the right things.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 This just in. Been having very minimal contact with him and he sent me a little email. Poor guy is having it rough or still carrot dangling...? B4 I received this I didn't answer my phone, he had rang 4 times in 1/2 hour. Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy. I am not feeling too good myself, but mine is more a mood than a sickness. I miss so many things...you, cups of tea....there is no greener grass. There is no green grass at all, and I am struggling to cope with decisions I have made. My problem though, so worry not.
CaliGuy Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 This just in. Been having very minimal contact with him and he sent me a little email. Poor guy is having it rough or still carrot dangling...? B4 I received this I didn't answer my phone, he had rang 4 times in 1/2 hour. Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy. I am not feeling too good myself, but mine is more a mood than a sickness. I miss so many things...you, cups of tea....there is no greener grass. There is no green grass at all, and I am struggling to cope with decisions I have made. My problem though, so worry not. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson)??? I highly recommend it for someone in your position.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Caliguy is right, please please please get Love Must Be Tough! Dobson has a website too! www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce This was the best book I have ever had the privledge of reading. It is truly inspiring and gave me the courage to do what must be done for my self.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Another email came this morning and I responded with it's time he let me go. How's that for tough love? Of course he soon replied. Here they are. Also, he is coming round tonight...to talk. I don't have any time to read up on what I should do, not sure what I want either, but the cards need to be on the table. If anyone can see through what he has written, have been in his position, I would luv to hear from you. I do not want to make a complete fool of myself....again. Sorry about the email last night. I was feeling really really down, in fact I was feeling so bad I simply contemplated booking myself a one-way flight back home without telling anyone, and I would have just vanished. I think maybe one day that may well be the way I go, but we shall see. I suppose things take time to adjust to, but I honestly did not realize how difficult this could be. It was you that was in my dream last night!!! I made a selfish decision, and threw away what we had. I have passing flashes of happiness, but I now know I will never truly be happy. It has dawned on me just how selfish and needy I am, and though you may forgive me, and God may forgive me, I cannot forgive myself. I really can't imagine my life without you. It's so so difficult, and I probably really underestimated the love I have for you....even now. I am starting to look for jobs outside of (company he works for), and I hope I can get back to (city I live in) to work. That's not meant to say I want you to hang on for me, or that I want to keep you waiting in the wings if things don't work out. I want you to move on with your life and be happy, whether I am in it or not, but rest assured that if I do "vanish" back home, the only person in Canada I will tell is you. Whether we are together or not, you are still my best friend.
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 You DO need to take some time to read "Love Must Be Tough" and the web site that you were referred to earlier. You say you do not know what to do, but at the same time, are refusing to take a few hours out of your life to fix 10 years worth of marriage?! Doesn't that strike you as rather ironic??? Look, if you want to be armed with the right information and not go into this blind (and perhaps fail again) then you need to get educated on what do in situations like these. That is why I referred to you Dr. Dobson's book and the other poster referred you to his web site. We're trying to give you the advice that you need to figure this out. Take the advice, read the book, read the web site and you will KNOW what to do and not wonder out loud. See, this is an issue I have with many people here at LS. We're offering you something greater than just advice. We're offering you KNOWLEDGE, that you can easily obtain, that will not only tell you what to do, but also prevent situations like these from happening again. Take the advice, for your own sake, TAKE IT!
Author hopesndreams Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 I've come to the understanding that I am still being played. He's hedging and I just can't do this anymore. There was a glimmer of hope but his emails have 2 sides to them, he's still undecided and until she is out of his life I will continue the minimal contact. There will be no more steps backward, it's full steam ahead, he knows where I am when he no longer plays games but by then it may be too late. I expect "the talk" to be much the same thing and the disappointment is creeping through me. I hate opening myself up to this stuff. Enough is enough.
gjack Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hopes, I'm glad you're back. Been worried about you. Don't do it! His emails are stringing you along. He thinks you're vulnerable and susceptible to his words...if he can string you along and make you feel sorry for him (as the victim) then his ego is fed, while you are left in a shambles. Of course the grass isn't greener for him, but you knew that. Obviously the OW isn't cooperating with his original plan. If she was, would he still be emailing you too? You need to be strong and confident in your resolve. This situation - is not good. If you open yourself up, all you will feel tomorrow is the pain and emptiness that you feel today times 10. Make choices now that are in your best interest. What would a healthy future for Hopes look like? What do YOU want? That's your new reality. Don't let the narcissist derail you.
gjack Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Another email came this morning and I responded with it's time he let me go. How's that for tough love? Sorry, couldn't resist one more parting comment. It's not HIS choice to let you go...that gives him way more power over you than he has/deserves. He has broken agreement with you. Can you accept this behavior as a pattern in your life or not. He doesnt hate himself for what he did, he's feeling sorry for himself because it didn't work out with the OW and now he's alone. There's a HUGE difference and it's not the foundation of a reconciliation. Now, it is up to you to choose what is right for you...and then pursue it with passion.
scootncash Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Caliguy, your great! Glad to hear someone else has read the Love Must Be Tough book. I think your absolutely right about being informed. This book, if she would just take that step to read, would most definitely help her understand the situation and take the right steps to do whats right for her regardless to whether she leaves or stays. I for one didnt know what to do or where to turn to then I got the book and from that point forward Im an incredibly different person who is able to make the right choices for my life. The website I continue to go to just for a refresher course if you will! Its an extension of the book but more importantly a connection to Mr. Dobson's knowledge and experience with dealing with hundreds of people in all of our situations. But you know what they say Caliguy, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Hopefully she will read the book and find the answers, direction that she so desperately needs, and a road to healing her.
2sunny Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 stand firm. to sway with his every whim of emotion would be subjecting yourself to a tornado over a calm lovely day at the beach. keep him away! you are doing great on your own! i am proud of you. when i read his words it appears that all he is thinking about is himself... but it's designed to fool you into thinking he cares more for you than himself. come on - total manipulation at its highest level. is he always so full of empty words? tell him that his ACTIONS have spoken everything. you don't need his useless words anymore. i also notice the turn in his attitude. i'd be willing to bet money that his MOW has recently told him that she's not moving out of her house with her H. he heartbroken and looking to see if you might still be available if it doesn't work out with her. jerk! the car... make sure if the insurance pays money on it - that it is stated that the money goes to you. he may hide from you the actual amount the insurance pays. yes, expect him to get sneaky and controlling and very manipulative. remember, he's only ultimately thinking of himself... his selfish actions have always said that. tell him to stop sending you notes. you don't need ANY updates as to his well being. his good/bad moods are not your concern anymore. why does he think you are supposed to carry the burden of HIS bad day/mood? what is he expecting you to do about it? oh no, have you slept with him recently? is this way of getting your sympathy so you'll console him? his actions will always tell you his truth - stop working with any of his words at all... they are only designed to drum up old emotional memories and for his own selfish reasons. he will always try to keep you on the back burner... narcissistic personalities do that! yep, i think he is. probably with a little touch of passive aggressive tossed in.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 You say you do not know what to do, but at the same time, are refusing to take a few hours out of your life to fix 10 years worth of marriage?! I have spent months trying to fix 10 years worth of marriage all to no avail. Even after we went our separate ways a month ago, I still clung to hope. When I started to see things more clearly and started the very limited contact with him, he threw me some bait to see if I would bite. I did bite. I feel foolish.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Now, it is up to you to choose what is right for you...and then pursue it with passion. Thanks gjack. Words to live by. He's not the only man in the universe, my obsession with him is not healthy and I do need to get on with things that do not involve him.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 i'd be willing to bet money that his MOW has recently told him that she's not moving out of her house with her H. She has moved in with him but her husband is preventing their son from having overnights with her and her new man. So I've been told anyway. Considering how many lies have been told it's hard to separate fact from fiction. the car... make sure if the insurance pays money on it - that it is stated that the money goes to you. The cheque was made out to me and I did get the full amount. I bought a car a few weeks ago. It's a bit of a clunker but there really wasn't much of a payout and did the best I could with what I had. oh no, have you slept with him recently? absolutely not he will always try to keep you on the back burner. I am worth 10 of her and he knows it. He misses me. That's it. That's all.
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You say you do not know what to do, but at the same time, are refusing to take a few hours out of your life to fix 10 years worth of marriage?! I have spent months trying to fix 10 years worth of marriage all to no avail. Even after we went our separate ways a month ago, I still clung to hope. When I started to see things more clearly and started the very limited contact with him, he threw me some bait to see if I would bite. I did bite. I feel foolish. For that reason alone you should be reading the book I suggested and reading the web site as well. Dr. Dobson will explain to you how to interpret the behaviors of a wayward spouse and what to do in those situations. And, he will tell you a what point you should fish or cut bait. Again, the book isn't that long and what's a few hours of your time to salvage a 10 year marriage OR to truly set yourself free? God helps those who help themselves you know....
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Caliguy, your great! Glad to hear someone else has read the Love Must Be Tough book. I think your absolutely right about being informed. This book, if she would just take that step to read, would most definitely help her understand the situation and take the right steps to do whats right for her regardless to whether she leaves or stays. I for one didnt know what to do or where to turn to then I got the book and from that point forward Im an incredibly different person who is able to make the right choices for my life. The website I continue to go to just for a refresher course if you will! Its an extension of the book but more importantly a connection to Mr. Dobson's knowledge and experience with dealing with hundreds of people in all of our situations. But you know what they say Caliguy, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Hopefully she will read the book and find the answers, direction that she so desperately needs, and a road to healing her. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, absolutely The only thing I can do is help her try and get informed so that she can make the right decisions on her own and do what is right for HER. If she refuses to read the book and the web site, well, that's the best we can do.
scootncash Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, absolutely The only thing I can do is help her try and get informed so that she can make the right decisions on her own and do what is right for HER. If she refuses to read the book and the web site, well, that's the best we can do. you are absolutely right! At least we put the information for help out there to her and at best she might give it a try... I wish her much success and for her to find some peace in this nightmare.
Lisalisa2 Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Another email came this morning and I responded with it's time he let me go. How's that for tough love? Of course he soon replied. Here they are. Also, he is coming round tonight...to talk. I don't have any time to read up on what I should do, not sure what I want either, but the cards need to be on the table. If anyone can see through what he has written, have been in his position, I would luv to hear from you. I do not want to make a complete fool of myself....again. Sorry about the email last night. I was feeling really really down, in fact I was feeling so bad I simply contemplated booking myself a one-way flight back home without telling anyone, and I would have just vanished. I think maybe one day that may well be the way I go, but we shall see. I suppose things take time to adjust to, but I honestly did not realize how difficult this could be. It was you that was in my dream last night!!! I made a selfish decision, and threw away what we had. I have passing flashes of happiness, but I now know I will never truly be happy. It has dawned on me just how selfish and needy I am, and though you may forgive me, and God may forgive me, I cannot forgive myself. I really can't imagine my life without you. It's so so difficult, and I probably really underestimated the love I have for you....even now. I am starting to look for jobs outside of (company he works for), and I hope I can get back to (city I live in) to work. That's not meant to say I want you to hang on for me, or that I want to keep you waiting in the wings if things don't work out. I want you to move on with your life and be happy, whether I am in it or not, but rest assured that if I do "vanish" back home, the only person in Canada I will tell is you. Whether we are together or not, you are still my best friend. The fact is he made a choice. He chose to have feelings for someone other than his wife. He knows he doesn't truly love you. If he did he wouldn't have hurt you, and continued to hurt you. He chose to lose you and a life with you. We all make choices. We all make promises. We all say things. His actions say he does not love you. Hang on for him? I'd be leaving him in the dust! Then again, I know how much easier that is said than done. I still miss my ex who left me after 10 years 6 months ago.
Author hopesndreams Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 CaliGuy I'm doing the so you want a second chance that's on your signature. I will follow it to a T. I need to feel empowered, whatever the outcome. I did go to Dr Dobsons site and read whatever was online from his book but why didn't it fill me with any promise? What am I missing from reading what Dr Dobson has put out there?
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