blair08 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I see alot of threads on here about people in sexless marriages. I see too where some people say that if a spouse isn't getting sex sometimes they will seek it out from another. So here is my question on that. What about the spouses who DO get sex. Frequent sex, sex of various ways, etc, but that spouse that is getting sex still cheats! Then what is their excuse? Lots of people have said if a person cheats (especially a man, it was more than likely due to lack of sex or no sex at all from their partner) So what do you feel their excuse might would be if they WERE getting sex from their spouse? Some might say there is no excuse, which is right, to me there is no excuse. But, there will usually always be one they will present.
fral945 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 The bottom line is cheating (and not cheating) are choices by the individual. The only control you or I have in a relationship is creating an environment that limits the temptation and possibility of a spouse or partner cheating (assuming both partners are looking for a monogamous, committed relationship). Since sex is such an important aspect for most guys, by having regular/varied sex you are creating a very strong incentive not to cheat (from a sexual standpoint). If you give a decent guy (key word "decent") enough variety and quantity, you’ve pretty much eliminated any sexual reasons to stray. As a guy, I would consider that a huge plus. It seems that a lot of women who have a hard time accepting that argument have been burned in the past by men. They’ve given sex as described and still been cheated on. So therefore, they start to develop a mindset that all men cheat and have a "why bother?" attitude. If, as a woman, you are truly giving sex with enough frequency and variety to satisfy the guy for the most part, but are still being cheated on on a regular basis, you have to start looking at the men you are choosing or letting into your lives. The reality is quite a few men will cheat no matter what you do sexually. In those cases, there is nothing you can do, and there likely aren't going to be any good excuses. But IMO it does no good to punish the decent guys because of the bad behavior of your a-hole/jerk exes.
Author blair08 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 The bottom line is cheating (and not cheating) are choices by the individual. The only control you or I have in a relationship is creating an environment that limits the temptation and possibility of a spouse or partner cheating (assuming both partners are looking for a monogamous, committed relationship). Since sex is such an important aspect for most guys, by having regular/varied sex you are creating a very strong incentive not to cheat (from a sexual standpoint). If you give a decent guy (key word "decent") enough variety and quantity, you’ve pretty much eliminated any sexual reasons to stray. As a guy, I would consider that a huge plus. It seems that a lot of women who have a hard time accepting that argument have been burned in the past by men. They’ve given sex as described and still been cheated on. So therefore, they start to develop a mindset that all men cheat and have a "why bother?" attitude. If, as a woman, you are truly giving sex with enough frequency and variety to satisfy the guy for the most part, but are still being cheated on on a regular basis, you have to start looking at the men you are choosing or letting into your lives. The reality is quite a few men will cheat no matter what you do sexually. In those cases, there is nothing you can do, and there likely aren't going to be any good excuses. But IMO it does no good to punish the decent guys because of the bad behavior of your a-hole/jerk exes. Thanks fral, that makes sense. Yeah, I guess that is the main thing, if YOU are giving your spouse lots of sex etc, and you feel you're doing the right things, and they still stray, then yeah it comes down to the types of men a woman keeps choosing, or vice versa.
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 People don't get it. When people cheat, it's not the cause of the break up. Cheating is a symptom of a greater and deeper problem than just wanting to have sex elsewhere. It's never about the sex. The cheating is a by-line. having sex somewhere iesle is an indication that there is already an existing problem within the relationship. The sex within the couple's relationship might be wonderful. That's no indication of a perfect marriage. That's just an indication that sex isn't the issue.
Author blair08 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 People don't get it. When people cheat, it's not the cause of the break up. Cheating is a symptom of a greater and deeper problem than just wanting to have sex elsewhere. It's never about the sex. The cheating is a by-line. having sex somewhere iesle is an indication that there is already an existing problem within the relationship. The sex within the couple's relationship might be wonderful. That's no indication of a perfect marriage. That's just an indication that sex isn't the issue. I can see that too. You know, I have a friend whose parents have been married for close to 50 years. Pretty much that entire marriage the husband cheated on the wife. My friend says her mother says that her husband blamed her for why he did what he did. He told her it was ALL her fault that he chose to cheat, that he chose to work late all the time, and that it was her fault that he drank! WOW! Its amazing how some people will never own up to, or take the blame in anything isn't it? I guess she put a gun to his head and said, "Go cheat!" Unfortunatly she stayed with that man and then today wonders why she stayed. I guess she stays now because they are older and so much more dependent on taking care of each other due to physical aliments etc. I just think its sad that he cheated over and over again, then blamed her for his actions, and then she chose to stay. Anyway guess that doesn't have alot to do with my original question, but thougtn I'd throw that in there because sicne he cheated alot, and because its s symptom of a deeper issue, when he was asked what it was she did to cause him to choose to cheat, he couldn't seem to tell her what it was.
JackJack Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I can see that too. You know, I have a friend whose parents have been married for close to 50 years. Pretty much that entire marriage the husband cheated on the wife. My friend says her mother says that her husband blamed her for why he did what he did. He told her it was ALL her fault that he chose to cheat, that he chose to work late all the time, and that it was her fault that he drank! WOW! Its amazing how some people will never own up to, or take the blame in anything isn't it? I guess she put a gun to his head and said, "Go cheat!" Unfortunatly she stayed with that man and then today wonders why she stayed. I guess she stays now because they are older and so much more dependent on taking care of each other due to physical aliments etc. I just think its sad that he cheated over and over again, then blamed her for his actions, and then she chose to stay. Anyway guess that doesn't have alot to do with my original question, but thougtn I'd throw that in there because sicne he cheated alot, and because its s symptom of a deeper issue, when he was asked what it was she did to cause him to choose to cheat, he couldn't seem to tell her what it was. He is a coward! Instead of trying to talk to his wife about whatever issues he/they were having, he chose to cheat! Sounds like a winner to me! Maybe she tried to communicate with him and he shut down for whatever reason, who knows. BUT, he is also a coward in the sense too, that he chose to put ALL of the blame on on her. It is sad, not just because he cheated over and over, but because she allowed his rotten behavior to continue by staying, so therefore in his mind he probably felt he was justified and it was ok for him to keep cheating. JMO. There were both at fault IMO.
jasminetea Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 My ex was having sex with me at least once a night every night and we were together for five years. He cheated on me with a number of women from a year into the relationship until I caught him three years later. The weird thing is, our relationship wasn't bad at all, we got on great - a year after finally dumping him he's still sending me cards telling me I was his best friend etc. and how sorry he is. The only clue I had that something was off was his reluctance to take me with him on business trips and the way he would sometimes start arguments with me when he got back; out of guilt, I now know. I think his reasons for cheating were quite simple, he is essentially very insecure and uses women to boost his ego. I think he may also be addicted to sex; the amount of sex we were having just isn't normal - he was totally unable to take no for an answer! I would guess the reasons for cheating in a relationship have certain commonalities, but essentially are as individual as the people concerned, whether or not they're getting sex.
Recommended Posts