violettra Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I have been in a relationship with a MM for more than 2 years now. I am tired of being the OW. It has become a full on addiction and I know I need to stop and get away from it. But we work together. Our desks are not that far apart and it's a small office. I think that I should probably just quit my job, but at the same time I'm not totally unhappy there and I'm not financially stable enough to justify a move yet. So I keep staying and hoping I can deal with it somehow....But it hurts so much everyday. Anyone have a similar problem? Advice?
jasminetea Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Would it be an idea to look around to see what other jobs are out there for you? You don't sound ecstatic to be working where you currently are, so maybe a change of job would be a good thing anyway. Moving area maybe another thing you could consider, a change of job and a change of location would certainly help you to move on from this relationship! If neither are possible, is there a possibility to change jobs within the company you currently work for? Or alternatively move offices so you at least have some physical distance?
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 So I keep staying and hoping I can deal with it somehow....But it hurts so much everyday. Advice? Break up with MM and start seeing someone wonderful. That way you can still stay at your job, and the new man will help you think of something else other than MM... ie your obsession will not be holding you captive. I am curious... how come you put up with the crumbs of attention for two years? Why have you had enough now, after 2 years? What kept you in it for the time that you have? Were you happy with what little you got from him and over time have realized that its not going to grow into something more, and that its not enough?
thatsme123 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I have been in a relationship with a MM for more than 2 years now. I am tired of being the OW. It has become a full on addiction and I know I need to stop and get away from it. But we work together. Our desks are not that far apart and it's a small office. I think that I should probably just quit my job, but at the same time I'm not totally unhappy there and I'm not financially stable enough to justify a move yet. So I keep staying and hoping I can deal with it somehow....But it hurts so much everyday. Anyone have a similar problem? Advice? I am in a VERY similar situation! I am a receptionist and his office is directly behind where I sit (and his door is always open). I see/hear him EVERY SECOND of my shift. And there is no getting around speaking to him there, it is not an option. I know my job is totally expendable and I don't HAVE to work there as I could probably find another hourly job somewhere else, it's NOT a career, but...I am addicted to him. I do have an interview for another job set up soon, and I'm looking every day for other leads, but I still feel this strong attachment to my current awful position just because of this one person. I'm sure the thing to do is to just maintain composure and act professionally, treat him as if he was anyone else, do not let yourself break down, etc. Or just quit the job. But it's a lot easier said than done, right? Ugh.
Author violettra Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 Would it be an idea to look around to see what other jobs are out there for you? Yeah, I'm starting to look around. Part of me is all for it and then there's this other part of me that says, why do _I_ have to be the one that moves? But I know sometimes we have to pay for our choices.
Author violettra Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I am curious... how come you put up with the crumbs of attention for two years? Why have you had enough now, after 2 years? What kept you in it for the time that you have? Were you happy with what little you got from him and over time have realized that its not going to grow into something more, and that its not enough? In my delusion, yes, I thought it was going to become something more. He's been married 5 years and in that whole time he and his wife have never lived together. They work different jobs in different cities and see each other on the weekends only - if that. So the rest of the time he lives like a bachelor pretty much. Everyone forgets he's even married. It sure screwed my thinking over. But it's become apparent that he does not want a divorce and as odd as their relationship is there's nothing I can do about it.
Author violettra Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 I am in a VERY similar situation! I am a receptionist and his office is directly behind where I sit (and his door is always open). I see/hear him EVERY SECOND of my shift. And there is no getting around speaking to him there, it is not an option. I know my job is totally expendable and I don't HAVE to work there as I could probably find another hourly job somewhere else, it's NOT a career, but...I am addicted to him. I do have an interview for another job set up soon, and I'm looking every day for other leads, but I still feel this strong attachment to my current awful position just because of this one person. I'm sure the thing to do is to just maintain composure and act professionally, treat him as if he was anyone else, do not let yourself break down, etc. Or just quit the job. But it's a lot easier said than done, right? Ugh. I feel for you. It's terrible. Today I couldn't help but think: It's like being a crack addict and having to go work in the crack house everyday when you're trying to quit. You're constantly being exposed to it and you have little to no control of the situation. And yeah, finding a new job is not the end of the world, but I always end up thinking "GEEZ, be an adult and deal with it. This isn't grade school. You can control your emotions." But it is really really hard. Especially when they keep approaching you and tempting you.
jj33 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 If you can get out without ruining your CV, then leave. If you have to hang on either because of the economy or because it would ruin your CV then just remember, noone who really loves you and puts your interests first would want to see you in that situation if it is hurting you. Have you told him you want to stop the relationship? Tell him on no uncertain terms that it is hurting you and he has to stop approaching you. Be clear and stick to it. Is he your superior? By making it clear that any further invitations will be unwelcome he will get it if you are in the US. Noone wants to flirt with sexual harrassment. But to make it work you have to stick to your guns that it is over. No waffling. And get out as soon as you can. Take care
anne1707 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I am coming at this from the other side so to speak as in I am married and had an affair with a colleague. It all ended last Summer but I still work with the ex-OM. I also love my job but am looking for another one (I also know the ex-OM is not looking - he thinks we can continue to work together). All I can say is that the sooner you are no longer working together, the better it will be. I know that continuing to work with him has slowed down the recovery from the affair (for both my H and I). Whilst working together, keep it strictly professional - work and only work. Also be wary of potential games your MM may play with you. The ex-OM in my case still tries to flirt with me and eyes me up and down (even though he is now seeing someone else and has said that he does not want to have a relationship with me) so I just ignore it. In some ways I look upon him as a bit of a joke now and wonder what on earth was going on in my head for all that time. Hopefully you will feel the same and realise you are better off without this man and you can find someone who will love you and want to be with you and nobody else.
Owl Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 If you're not financially stable enough to up and leave...then you need to create, implement, and work an AGGRESSIVE plan to get you to that point. You need to get out of that situation...and if you "can't" right now, then you need to start working out a way to get to where you "can". Start working on it...today!
jasminetea Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Is there anyone at your company who you could tell about the situation and who would be able to move you away from him? Your HR department? Your boss? His boss? If you would be concerned about it coming out in the open if you did this, would that be such a bad thing? It's one way to ensure the affair is over for good.
jj33 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 OMG what a great idea tell them you f#ed a married coworker and now cant handle being around him... good move if you want to be laid off.... Ask to be moved and come up with some other reason. For similar reasons I would not go to HR. Tell the guy that it MUST end. If he doesnt stop (but again your behavior must be beyond reproach) tell him you dont want to have to go to HR with this... but NEVER go. It will all end in your lap. This is not something HR will be sympathetic to because you were a willing participant. Ladies have the right to change their minds, but they cant expect HR to back them up, no matter what the letter of the law says... And besides you dont hate this guy so dont get your employers involved.
jasminetea Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 I hadn't expected her to be quite so blatant about the situation and I would hope she would have had someone who she could speak to in confidence. Obviously you know her situation ar better than I do
jj33 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 There is no such thing as in confidence with HR. They work for the company. They are not there to counsel her. Thats what Employee Assistance Plans are for. This is not the sort of information that her company needs especially in a bad economy.
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