mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Hi all, I'm new to the forums. I have no one else to reach out to, so please help me as much as you can. I can give any information you need in order to understand this more. If you have a little time, please read this and help me regain some sense. I am a 20 year old American man living with family in Tokyo, and I have a girlfriend for a year and a half. I met her, she was my dad's student, and we started going out more and more until we became a couple. A year later, I decided to go to school here, because I wanted to stay with this girl. I bust myself hard, to get into the school, and I couldn't be happier. But now, as this has all calmed down... for some reason, I'm confused with myself as to why I am thinking like I want to take a break from the relationship. We never fight, the time I spend with her is magical and fun, we never seriously had a bad date, and it's been fun for these past 18 months. However, while I should be happy, I feel like there is a lot of stuff in my life going on that is confusing me. Did I get into the right school, is this what I want to do with my life, should I stay with this girl, am I kidding myself with how I feel with her, why did I work so hard to stay with her only to feel like this... I called her and told her I wanted to break up, because I need some time to think. But after doing that, I had short breaths, and I started crying... and now I'm going to meet her today to talk to her that I do NOT want to break up, I just need some time to myself to see where I am right now. I made a list that described her...please let me know what is going on with me. GOOD -beautiful, sexy, cute, darling -can have a good conversation -loves me for who I am, not for what she wishes I was -soft and beautiful lips -feels right kissing her -doesn't judge me when I cry -does things for me no one else will -can work together in fashion industry -love hearing her play piano -really love her -hate the thought of her not being in my life -thoughtful; thankful; giving -makes me feel better about myself -can connect with me when I need her -cute, sexy -love feeling her hand in mine -feel like love when im with her -year and a half long relationship -eager to learn with me -can relax with her -get good and helpful advice -would never cheat -wants to work together towards a future -smart and skilled, good with money -experienced new stuff with her -makes me want to better myself -never ever fight, never had an argument -we make real efforts to meet up -happy going to meet her -have lots of fun together -best friend -all of this is coming from the heart -made good memories and think we still can -want to always look good for her -never been told I look like a king, until I met her -busted *** to be with her -never been able to be closer to anyone else -act so silly with her, and she likes it BAD -long distance, takes an hour for either to meet up -always sending the same stuff via texts -got a little boring -i didnt open myself enough to her -can not eat right without her, i havent eaten anything in the past 3 days -no cultural similarities -a little chubby -shyness annoys me at times but i figured out its whatever -feel like it's early People tell me I am still young, need to make mistakes, and understand what it is to lose a love. She is my first girlfriend, hence people telling me no matter what I do you'll be upset. One part wants me to stay, one part wants me to go out and explore. I'm so upset at myself as to what I want to do... Am I being selfish? Is me falling out of love in a relationship a bad thing? What can I do?
ruggy Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You are having second thoughts. Now that you returned the milk you regret it. You know, she is a person, and deserves to be treated like one. How can you one minute want to get rid of her and then the next minutes bring her back in your life? That is not fair to her nor the relationship. You may have shot yourself in the foot on this one. Were you drinking or high when you talked to her? If so, you can use that as an excuse.
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 You are having second thoughts. Now that you returned the milk you regret it. You know, she is a person, and deserves to be treated like one. How can you one minute want to get rid of her and then the next minutes bring her back in your life? That is not fair to her nor the relationship. You may have shot yourself in the foot on this one. Were you drinking or high when you talked to her? If so, you can use that as an excuse. I told her I am just very confused in my life, and that I need some time to think... I told her that I want to think over it... I never said it's over, but that I'm confused about this.
ruggy Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 You just said you told her you wanted to break up. That usually means it is over. You should had said you wanted to take a brake to get my (your) feelings in order. My opinion of course.
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 You just said you told her you wanted to break up. That usually means it is over. You should had said you wanted to take a brake to get my (your) feelings in order. My opinion of course. Oh man, I really messed up. I will apologize to her today, and tlak to her more seriously. I'm a little daft with relationships, but I hope she understands...
bella23 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 According to your good and bad list... I'd say the good list is longer than the bad list and maybe a sign to be with this person if you have already sacrificed alot to be where you are. BAD -long distance, takes an hour for either to meet up -always sending the same stuff via texts -got a little boring -i didnt open myself enough to her -can not eat right without her, i havent eaten anything in the past 3 days -no cultural similarities -a little chubby -shyness annoys me at times but i figured out its whatever -feel like it's early Distance can be a problem but like you I have to drive 45min to meet up with my bf or the other way around. But if there's a will there's a way. I get what you mean about texting, I suggest try talk more on the phone and less texting you might miss texting her then Well things get boring or repetitive some times but you have to be able to be creative or adventurous and make things exciting... no-one else will do it for you. About the culture differences, is that really an issue? I don't share the same culture experience with my bf but I do know a couple of things about his culture. Hey the chubbiness can try some exercise or walking together... The shyness... well that I can't really help you on that... you have to be really comfortable with someone in order to open up with them . If those can't really help you... mmm I tried my best trying to help you
Chinook Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Okay, so you made a list which is a mish mash of good and bad things about your relationship and/or her... pretty cool lists to have as it shows you're being analytical about things and looking at the positives and negatives. One thing is missing.... you. Why don't you show her the list and ask her to add her list about you/the relationship and see where you go from there...? Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, why don't you try to take a step back and really take a look at what's good/bad about YOU for her...?
ruggy Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Okay, so you made a list which is a mish mash of good and bad things about your relationship and/or her... pretty cool lists to have as it shows you're being analytical about things and looking at the positives and negatives. One thing is missing.... you. Why don't you show her the list and ask her to add her list about you/the relationship and see where you go from there...? Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, why don't you try to take a step back and really take a look at what's good/bad about YOU for her...? Doesn't really matter, he already done the deed. He jumped before thinking where to land.
Chinook Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I dunno, some women will be prepared to give a second chance. You never know. Hmm now I think about it, that trait has only really grown on me as I've matured and got older. When I was 20, once it was over, it was done. *sigh*
ruggy Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I dunno, some women will be prepared to give a second chance. You never know. Hmm now I think about it, that trait has only really grown on me as I've matured and got older. When I was 20, once it was over, it was done. *sigh* I guess it depends on location. In NYC if you are not 100% perfect on every level its done. Amazes me. I think I need to move to Iowa or something. Some place where the women are not all perfect. Anyways, poster, I would try and backpedal on this one. Say you were drunk and do not remember everything you said. If she buys it, you have your second chance. If she's a blonde, even better.
Surfer Dude Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Dude, I'm gonna tear you a new one. You live one hour away from each other? That's like nothing, I know tons of couples in Tokyo who live even further. LDR is when people live in different cities and countries, not in the same city but one hour away. She might live in Minato and you could live in Tachikawa, that's like one hour of travel. Drop your silly western notions that couples need to live around the block. I find this insultingly stupid, as me and many other people constantly had to make trips between Japan and the west, in order to be with our girlfriends. Shyness... well guess what, you're in Japan, better get used to shyness and timidness. No cultural similarities... no kidding? Japanese culture and American culture have nothing to do with each other, what were you expecting. With these kind of mindsets and expectations, it's best for you to go home and start dating western women, and leave all the J-girls to guys like me who appreciate them No one deserves to be treated with the amount of disrespect you threw her way. You don't just tell someone you want to break up and later reconsider when you realize what you've done. Either stick to your decision or don't even bring it up, because she will only lose respect for you. Girls hate flakiness and stupidity as much as we do.
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 I talked to her today, and explained to her that I ****ed up yesterday in telling her it's over. No one deserves to be treated with the amount of disrespect you threw her way. You don't just tell someone you want to break up and later reconsider when you realize what you've done. Either stick to your decision or don't even bring it up, because she will only lose respect for you. Girls hate flakiness and stupidity as much as we do. She does want to give me a chance, because well... I guess I realized how disrespectful I was and how mean it was for me to jump to something without thinking it over. Guys, I really messed up. But... like I really wanted to say... I meant to tell her I wanted to take a break. But I don't know how to go now. So, one month to think it over. Can I ask another question? When you are 20, and you question yourself, is it normal? Or is it a sign of breaking up??? Because the good list is just two times bigger than the bad list, maybe 3 times. I think I might regret this. I admit I made a mistake, but guys, please help me... I'm really desperate here and don't know how to think right now. I haven't eaten for 3 days, I wake up in the middle of the night and think about this... I'm sluggish the last few days... What is wrong with me?!
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 I'm sorry guys, I'm just really confused right now. Apologies for thinking so rashly. Thinking it over, the bad things aren't REALLY bad at all. I guess I just needed a correct mindset.
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Dude - first off eat something - your brain wont function properly without it secondly - if she is willing to give you another chance - take the time now to decide whether or not you REALLY want that second chance...do you fear being alone? What was the driving force of wanting a break in the first place... And lastly - be respectful regardless of the outcome - because for every girl you dont want to date - there is 100 guys who will - so dont be so eager to throw away....
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Dude - first off eat something - your brain wont function properly without it secondly - if she is willing to give you another chance - take the time now to decide whether or not you REALLY want that second chance...do you fear being alone? What was the driving force of wanting a break in the first place... And lastly - be respectful regardless of the outcome - because for every girl you dont want to date - there is 100 guys who will - so dont be so eager to throw away.... I'll eat something today, promise lol Well, the driving force was ultimately, at the time I can't picture myself with this girl in the future. The near future, yes, but I feel it was too early to think about marriage, and it scared me off a bit. And I will be respectful. I seem to not getting it through my head that I found the perfect girl, and I think I'm willing to throw it all away for some other girls and looking around? What is going on with me, I wonder.
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I'll eat something today, promise lol Tres Bien Well, the driving force was ultimately, at the time I can't picture myself with this girl in the future. The near future, yes, but I feel it was too early to think about marriage, and it scared me off a bit. Well your 20 - marriage for you is a bit early and thats not unreasonable - for some they can commit at this age - for others no...I guess I should ask why did the marriage thing come up in the first place?? What made you go down that path? Is she 20 also?? And I will be respectful. I seem to not getting it through my head that I found the perfect girl, and I think I'm willing to throw it all away for some other girls and looking around? Your head schmed - leave him out of it for a minute - and your penis - what does your heart tell you - because if your not into it - if you want to explore other pastures then such a fabulous girl should be free to do the same. Look you sound like a good kid - I think people have been a bit harsh - but when it comes down to it - if you dont think she is the one - express it to her - with respect, that you love her, that you adore her that you enjoy being with her but you dont see a long term future and let her decide is she is happy to roll with you or not What is going on with me, I wonder. Your 20 and male - its normal Dont stress you will work it out
Author mishka1088 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 OK, had some pork and rice, feeling a little fuller I'm 20, she's 24. We talked about marriage and that while I was scared at first, it seems like this is the kind of girl that I wanted to be with, and after some long thinking, still want to. My heart tells me... that she is the one. I looked over the bad things, and I realized that none of them are really bad at all. Simple things that I will work on myself to learn to love. I have no reason to think she's not the one. Just some thoughts from hearing friends that yeah you love her and blah blah youre young going into a new school youre gonna meet a better girl or whatever... But I don't think no one has met a girl of this caliber. And yeah, being 20 sucks. But it's a process.
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OK, had some pork and rice, feeling a little fuller Good boy! I'm 20, she's 24. We talked about marriage and that while I was scared at first, it seems like this is the kind of girl that I wanted to be with, and after some long thinking, still want to. Im 28 next month my partner 24 next month - he had the same struggle you had in the beginning - we were in Oz and he was going home to France - I was everything he wanted in a girl with a few 'flaws' - and yes Chubby was one of them - which he has come to love - he calls my wee belly 'baby brioche' now. But he did have a war with himself - he was 22 when we met - I had been married and he was leaving in 3 weeks - he had only been with one girl for a year, he was young and confused - so he went back to France and 2 months later was back in Oz packing up my life - Im now in France - we get married next year. My heart tells me... that she is the one. I looked over the bad things, and I realized that none of them are really bad at all. Simple things that I will work on myself to learn to love. Dude - write a list of whats good and bad about you - nobody's perfect and you need to love her in her entirety - and yourself. I have no reason to think she's not the one. Just some thoughts from hearing friends that yeah you love her and blah blah youre young going into a new school youre gonna meet a better girl or whatever... But I don't think no one has met a girl of this caliber. Then you know where your heart belongs And yeah, being 20 sucks. Sure does - but suck with style But it's a process. Your going to be fine - and always communicate with her - make sure of that.
Recommended Posts